As a dating coach, I get this question a lot: How much time should I devote to online dating? This is obviously a broad question, given that people are on, what I'll call, "traditional" sites like eHarmony and Match.com, in addition to apps like Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge.
Just like I could never tell anyone how much time to spend at the gym, in the bath after a long day, or in bed finally getting up after hitting snooze, I could also never predict the "right" amount of time for anyone to devote to online dating per week. The one thing I can tell you, though, is that you have to devote some amount of time greater than zero.
Let's say it's January 1st and you sign up for the gym, as so many people do. Yes, you're paying for it every month. And yes, you went to Athleta (my mild obsession) and bought the $79 pair of yoga pants that you had to have. But are you losing any weight? Not if you don't set foot in the gym other than to work your finger muscles at the water fountain. In this case, it's unreasonable to say, "The gym doesn't work." The gym does, in fact, work, but you just didn't use it properly. The gym is simply a tool to help you reach your goals.
Why, then, do so many people think that online dating works any differently from the gym? No, the goal here is not to fit into a size 4 by the summer. The goal is even greater _ to find a partner ... for one night, one month, or, more often, for the rest of your life.
The evening might go like this:
_ Friends having a glass of wine together.
_ Friend No.1 encourages Friend No. 2 to create an OkCupid profile.
_ Friend No. 2 has had just enough wine to oblige.
_ The friends then craft a very generic profile saying that Friend No. 2 "likes to laugh and have fun" and "is just as comfortable in a little black dress as jeans and a t-shirt."
_ A week later, Friend No. 2 proclaims, "Online dating does not work!!"
When pressed, we find out that not only hasn't she fixed up her profile a bit, but she used her most recent Facebook photos which are less than flattering, and she didn't reach out to a single person in that week. Not to mention that a week is no time at all! You wouldn't expect to achieve your fitness goal in a week, so why should you find a potential life partner in that short timeframe?
Again, while I can't tell you exactly how many hours to spend on an online dating site per week or how many emails to send, here are my recommendations as a start:
On the traditional sites:
Do 15 minutes a day, perhaps at night when you're relaxed. On one night, find the people you'd like to send a message to, and on the next, send that message. It's much smoother and less stressful that way if you're not both searching and writing at the same time. In terms of how many messages to send, as a baseline, my Package 2 clients send five a week. I would recommend five to 10... or more, of course. Online dating is a numbers game.
On the apps:
It's almost too easy. Swipe in bed, swipe on the bus, swipe when you look like you're engaged in note taking at a meeting, swipe, swipe, swipe. But what's the point of all that swiping if you're not actually engaging. Yes, it's fun to play the game, but the real point is making a connection. If you get too swipe-happy, I recommend limiting yourself to a certain number of matches per day, say five. When you've matched with five people, stop swiping and start making some plans. As someone who is obsessed with keeping her inbox small and using Gmail labels like it's my job (second career as a KonMarie organizer, perhaps?), I can assure you that this method works. If you then write to all five, let's say two get back to you. Of those two, one turns into a date. Not too shabby!
Just as some people prefer to work out in the morning and some prefer the evening (I've been known to do a midnight workout on occasion), everyone has their own method of making time for the things that are important to them. My recommendations are just a starting point. The real takeaway is that in order to get the results, you have to consider online dating a tool, and then put in the necessary time.
