A client sent me an article recently called, "How to Reject Men Safely and Respectfully." This particular (male) client has a pattern, as I am sure many others (both men and women) do, of getting into, what I'll call, "a ghosting pattern." In this case, he'll reach out to someone after a date that he thinks went well. She doesn't answer. He writes again. She doesn't answer again. He writes again. Rinse and repeat. While most of us can see from the outside that she's obviously not interested in seeing him again, some people just don't get it. So, for the woman in this scenario, I can't encourage you strongly enough to use a gentle yet firm form of this: "I'm no longer interested, but I wish you all the best."
I have tried time and time again to get this client to STOP sending messages after a non-response (or two). She got the message. She made a deliberate choice not to reply. Let it go. But it wasn't getting through to him. He thought he still had a chance since she never gave him a direct "no."
After reading the article above, below is the new advice _ verbatim _ that I gave to that client to try to come at things from a different angle:
"I liked the article. And I've never disagreed that the best way to reject someone is to actually reject someone. None of this no-response business. For that part, I am 100 percent in agreement with you.
But, not everyone is capable or comfortable (they lack courage, confrontation skills, etc.) to do that, unfortunately. Do I think that's ridiculous? Yes. Do I tell all of my clients (both male and female, mind you) to send the "rejection text" to close things out? You bet I do. However, if someone doesn't give you the courtesy of doing that, this is where my most recent advice to you comes in: You have to take her non-response as a proxy for rejection. While it doesn't give you the closure you need, it's still a firm "no."
As I mentioned, I have a new way I'd like you to look at the situation. Rather than want her more when she doesn't reply, I want you to go through this thought process instead:
Why would you ever want to be with someone who can't express herself? Who can't write a simple 'I'm not interested' to you? Who can't be both confident and courteous enough to say 'stop writing to me'? They don't want to 'hurt your feelings.' We all know that's a bunch of baloney. They are too uncomfortable with confrontation to do it. So, is that someone you'd ever want to be with? I think not. If someone can't even give you the 'no,' imagine how life would be with this person. Awful."
Note: Do I, Erika, necessarily believe all of this? Only to some degree, but I was trying to get through to him from another angle.
"But, where I'm asking you to change is to stop writing to people who don't get back to you. They've made it abundantly clear that they don't want to communicate or continue seeing you. The only communication I'd like you to use after a non-response is a "closure" type of message from you to them:
'I'm disappointed I never heard back from you. I was looking forward to getting to know you. All the best.'
And that will have to be the same for you as her saying it outright. I've used messages like that before with men who have ghosted me (and there have been plenty _ you're not unique in that way). It's just something that allows me (and, in this case, you) to be the bigger person and have the last word, essentially saying, I'm better than being ignored. Please notice the difference between this note and the ones you're sending. In yours, you keep trying for something you know is off the table. In this one, you're confident and expressive; and know how to end something. She has already closed the door. You just need to lock it.
Rather than defending your patterns of behavior that are apparently not working, or sharing with me why you do what you do (which I see clearly, and always have), it's time to change that pattern, and this is the perfect opportunity to do it. That's where I'm here to help."
