I have an account on Instagram (@ALittleNudge) where I post online dating messages and profiles — often bad ones. I don't post them with the goal of making fun of someone, of course. Rather, I post with the objective of teaching people a lesson, often what not to do. The common theme of these posts is that each one highlights one particular issue (ghosting, for example) and asks people who follow my account to comment on what I post.
A dating — and life — issue that comes up time and time again is that some people these days, perhaps due to technology or just due to their nature, don't have the same sense of commitment that others do. I have too many clients who get ready for Zoom dates (and I do recommend dressing as you would for a real first date ... at least from the waist up) only to discover that their date is a no-show. Or someone will arrange a date for a Monday and finalize those plans the previous Thursday. By the time Monday rolls around, that person is long gone, and the date never happens.
Pre-COVID, I posted this exchange from the dating app Bumble, where the woman has to write first:
Her: Friday happy hour works! (I'm seeing a show at 8.)
Him: Happy hour Friday is perfect! What area do you need to be at 8? I will find a place convenient for where you need to be. Want to plan for 5:30/6?
Her: Perfecto! Let's do 6 pm. And the show is at (insert location).
Him: Plenty of options around there. Want to meet at (insert bar)?
Her: That's perfect! Looking forward to it. I also appreciate your taking the initiative in planning. :)
Him: Great! Looking forward to it as well. No problem on the planning, it's my pleasure.
Him (a day before): Good morning! Just wanted to say hello. Looking forward to tomorrow. Have a great end of the week.
Her: Confirmed! Looking forward to it, too. Happy TGIF eve. :)
I then wrote this caption to my Instagram followers: "Take notes... this is the proper way to arrange a date. He's decisive, chivalrous, and responsible. Most women (and men) appreciate all of these qualities, especially the 'confident confirmation' vs. the weak 'Are we still on?' that so many do. So many people struggle between asking someone out and then making the actual date happen. (And many clients complain about someone dropping the ball.) Follow this person's lead to have a much better conversion rate."
This post got comments from women like, "OMG, THIS IS A HUSBAND RIGHT HERE!" and "I would date him based on that conversation alone." All it takes is some good ol' planning. Nothing more, nothing less. I can't stress enough the importance of keeping a calendar ... and sticking to it.
Now, let's compare that conversation to another one that a female client of mine received:
Him: Was (asking you out) too forward?
Her: Not at all! Was just looking at my schedule actually. :) I could do next Wednesday or Thursday. Either work for you?
Him: Let's shoot for Wednesday. Shoot me a text and we'll play it by ear. (Insert his number)
Her: Wednesday it is. How's 6:00? Let me know if you have a favorite place to meet. (I'd actually rather just make the plans on here if that's okay... keeps me organized.) And since I have a daughter, I'm more of a "write in stone" than play by ear type. Cool?
The comments people wrote for this one included, "People today don't write anything in stone and flake out too easily because of texting," and "Play it by ear means 'We'll see if something better comes along.'" I don't disagree. I also have a problem here with the man essentially shoving his number at the woman and expecting her to do all the work, when she was already the one to reach out first. Let's use a little finesse.
As you can see, both men wanted dates. Both men asked. Both women said yes. Then things diverged. Bachelor #1 stepped it up, committing to plans and maturely scheduling them. Bachelor #2 is slowly losing his chance at getting to the date simply because he's hedging his bets. Both men are in their 30s. Both live in major U.S. cities. The difference? Commitment, maturity and follow-through.
