When I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving this year, I thought it would be fun, both as a dating coach and as their daughter, to interview them about how they met and how their relationship progressed. March 16th will mark their 40th wedding anniversary, so I would like to give tribute to them in this article.
The main two questions I wanted to ask were these: How was dating different for them? Do they think things are easier or harder today?
They both agreed that dating is more difficult today, which I thought was interesting. I'd like to break it down into two categories: meeting people and actually dating.
Meeting people is definitely easier today. Before, you either had to live near each other (which my parents did) work together, or get set up by friends. Now, all of those are still viable options, yet the option that provides the most efficient way to meet the most people is, of course, online dating. Online dating is an aggregation of single people, like those insurance sites are an aggregation of where you can insure your car. (No, people are not cars ... just saying.) So, now that we have established that finding available people to date, simply by more access, is easier, let's talk about the second part _ dating itself.
In my parents' generation and before, there were some major differences in how people date. Most dated for marriage. It was a straight path _ meet, date, fall in love (hopefully), get married, have kids. Now, while many still want _ and take _ this route, there are additional options that are slowly becoming more socially acceptable _ casual dating, dating without the intent of marriage, not having children, etc. Why do I mention this? Because it becomes a question of someone's intentions. I believe that when my parents met, marriage was the natural path for them. Today, while one person on Bumble may want marriage, the next just broke up with a significant other and just wants to fool around for a while. Did people want the latter a generation ago, too? Maybe. But either people were too shy to say it, or the options just weren't as readily available.
How about "the paradox of choice," which Barry Schwartz, who coined the term, describes as "the fact that in western developed societies, a large amount of choice is commonly associated with welfare and freedom but too much choice causes the feeling of less happiness, less satisfaction and can even lead to paralysis." This definitely happens to many people online. I see it every day with my clients. They find someone who has 95% of the qualities they are looking for, but they still want to search for that 100%. Is it wrong to want the best fit for yourself? Who am I to say? But is it realistic? I am certainly not saying to settle because I believe complacency has no place in our lives, but I am saying that it's often worth giving people a chance before deciding that your next date is just a swipe away. Sometimes the grass on the other side is just as green ... or even a little brown.
There is no conclusion here except to say that each generation has its pros and cons when it comes to dating. In 50 years from now, who knows what will be the norm? Our grandchildren may laugh at "swiping" at potential dates on our phone, and traditional marriage may be rarer than ever. Perhaps they'll take a cue from Black Mirror and come up with an algorithm to determine your compatibility, and dating itself will be a thing of the past! One thing is certain: dating will never stop evolving.
