In this week’s edition of “Ask Erika,” clients ask dating questions ranging from texting to cynicism to closure.
Q: [He] rescheduled our meet for next Saturday, which is no problem, except that all he does is text. I used a variation of the line you recommended: "Sorry for the delays — I'm not a huge texter.” My question, however, is this: Why would a guy want to spend weeks texting instead of meeting? I’m losing interest and beginning to find his witticisms annoying (before they were cute).
— Shannon, 36, Charlotte, North Carolina
A: You know how I feel about overcommunicating before a date! I'm glad you used my line... too bad it's not helping.
I agree — it makes no sense why someone would want to text endlessly before meeting. What was his reason for rescheduling?
Every time you answer, though, it reinforces his desire to text you. Do you feel comfortable nicely saying, "Hey! I'm definitely more into getting to know all about a person in person. Save the good stuff for then!" Or something not-rude that shows you want to meet him but not chit-chat so much before you do. These men (and people in general) shoot themselves in the foot sometimes.
Q: Disappointing news — I think... [She] texted me shortly before our date with this message: "sry, i don't feel comfortable today. i cannot make it today" I fairly quickly texted back and asked if she was available for drinks later in the week, but as now (about three hours since she read the text) there has been no response. I think this probably isn't going to work out and trying to think of how to come off strong, but not scolding her, or should I just delete her from my phone and forget about it?
— Scott, 30, Washington, D.C.
A: While I am all for expressing yourself and your disappointment, she's not worth it. She canceled with no intention of rescheduling. If you do want the closure, just for yourself, here's what I'd write sometime later in the week:
"I just wanted to let you know that I had been looking forward to meeting you. I hope you feel better, and best of luck to you."
Then move on. To be clear, though, she was a flake. You did nothing wrong.
Q: The date last night was OK. I mean, it was nice and the food was great — but we both struggled to come up with substantive things to talk about. He asked how is it possible that I'm not married, which was nice I guess, in a kind of backhanded way. We just struggled to connect, like the chemistry wasn't there from my side and again he talked about his financial struggles and deals he was counting on not coming through. He asked me out again. I really struggle with asserting that closure in a way that is comfortable, respectful and still reflects what I want. I don't know why that is so hard for me.
— Mary, 46, Seattle
A: I'd send a closure text if you're 100% sure you don't want to see him again. Something like, "Thank you so much for a lovely time last night. After some thought, unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I'm looking for, but I enjoyed getting to know you and wish you all the best." It just puts a nice finish on things.
Response: He responded back that he felt the exact same way and thanked me for sending the note.
Q: I had a lively second date with [her]. Bottom line: She is beautiful, sexy, very smart, but cynical, dark, judgmental, argumentative, and otherwise too different from me to reconcile. Where I left it: I told her I would see her again, but that she should think about it. She said, "I don't know. We would fight too much." She is right. She smiled but did not laugh easily.
Anyway, I told her that she was a hard read for me. She responded, "It is better to hold your cards back." I retorted, “How can you learn about yourself through the eyes of others unless you are forthcoming?” Apparently, this is not a goal of hers in early dates. After all, she said, with a sly sarcastic smile, “It's internet dating.”
She is extremely intelligent, but she has a cup half empty view of the world. Having said all that, I did learn about myself — I am a positive person and need to deal with the same.
— Braden, 52, New York
A: The best thing I've ever learned, both though personal experience and experience as a dating coach, is that when someone tells you or shows you his or her true colors, you should listen.
It sounds like [she] has shown you hers in that she's cynical and putting walls up... the exact opposite of what you're looking for. As sexy as someone might be, there's no substitute for a positive attitude. I agree that she's not the right fit for you, despite her other great qualities. It is nice when someone can push your beliefs a bit since you don't want a replica of yourself, but you also don't want someone diametrically opposed either.
