Q: I had a date planned with a woman, and I hadn't heard from her in two days. I texted "Are we still on for coffee today?" and she never responded.
Then another _ matched with a woman on Tinder, had some good chats and seemed to be going somewhere, and then all of a sudden, no responses, she just disappeared.
_ Trevor, 39, Atlanta, Ga.
A: I agree that it is so odd when people just disappear. I wish I had an explanation for that. Some are scared, some are flakes, some are cowards, and some are forgetful. Regardless, I do recommend asking a woman out sooner rather than later so there's less drop-off. If you match and send a message and she replies, then you can ask her out in one of the next two messages. Also, for the one with the coffee, try for the confident confirmation, "Looking forward to seeing you for coffee. Can you please confirm you got this?" It just sounds more secure. Granted, the result would likely have been the same. (And, this does not make things better, but I get complaints from female clients about the same behavior from men.)
Q: Grrrrrr. Another one who lied about her age. Not 56, as advertised, but probably 62. She would not tell me anything except that she lied and "all women had a right to."
That aside, the date was pretty good. Said she had had too many first dates to count. At the end of the date, she wanted reassurance that I had a good time and wanted to see her again. She then texted me a thank you and called to make sure that I got home okay. A bit much. And while I of course said that I would call her after the holiday, I am not sure.
There's still the (other woman) I met. Will know more about her after Saturday night. And then there's the lie about her age. As much as I am used to hearing it, it really bothers me. Thoughts?
_ Bernard, 61, Los Angeles
A: All women have a right to?? What an awful, entitled way to think. I could say I'm 6'4 and won a Tony Award, but that doesn't make it okay. From everything you've said, it sounds like she's insecure in many ways. When you close your eyes and think about it, do you want to see her again, based on the date alone? Let that drive your response. If you don't, it's important to tell her that and not just disappear.
And, yes, you have every right to be bothered by lies. For what it's worth, I once berated a man who lied to me about his age. (I was 32 at the time. He said he was 39 and was really 45.) Everyone has different tolerances. But, I do not let my female _ or any _ clients lie in their profile. If they want to, I will not work with them. So that's where I stand.
Q: Had drinks last night. Like most of the people I've met on these apps, she has a lot of good qualities. We have plenty of things in common. But ... she's very type A. High strung. Works a lot and seems to find her job pretty stressful. She's already messaged to say the date was "very fun" and ask if I want to go to yoga (something we talked about) or go hiking.
How do you tell someone, "I don't think I want to date your personality type ... it would get exhausting" without hurting her feelings (or telling the truth, obviously)? I do a lot of post first date rejecting, and although I try to be as gentle as possible, I really hate doing it.
_ Bobby, 38, Santa Fe, N. M.
A: Before I answer this specific question, what if you did go on the second date just to see? It sounds like she has a lot of good qualities and was very open and honest with you, which is a good thing. Was the physical attraction there for you? If so, there's never any harm in a second date just to see. And no one can be too stressed doing yoga!
Follow-up Q: I was a little surprised you tried to talk me into this one. Perhaps that's your job ...
The problem with a second date, especially what she's proposed (yoga), is that it probably isn't going to add much information, and it won't change what I already know about her. To some extent, I'm used to playing the listener/therapist role. But I couldn't escape the feeling that with her, I might be signing up for a little too much drama. Life is hard enough as it is.
I really, really don't enjoy rejecting people, especially when they seem obviously interested. And as a consummate over-thinker, I do question whether I'm making a mistake. But my gut was telling me no here.
Follow-up A: It's less trying to talk you into something and more trying to get you to see that you don't have to make these big "decisions" after a first date. A second date is just a second chance to get to know someone. Nothing more, nothing less. Coming at dating as an interview for a potential partner is not what I recommend. I recommend just taking it all as a chance to get to know people. You can't know everything after one date. And why I am pushing you on her is that you didn't say anything negative about how you related to her on the date. Had you said, "We had no rapport" or "I wasn't attracted to her at all," that would be a different story.
All of that said, if you still say no, then the best thing to do is to reply, "I had fun, too! Thanks again for meeting me. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass on meeting again _ just think our lifestyles don't align how I'd want _ but I only wish you the best! Namaste."
