As we know, Thanksgiving is this week. As we sit around the table and give our thanks (or whatever our traditions are), our family and friends sometimes use the holiday as an opportunity to talk about (ask about? harp about?) our singledom.
Time and time again, over a big helping of turkey and yams, Aunt Doris decides to break out the question, "So, when are you going to bring someone home for the holidays? How hasn't anyone snatched you up yet?" This is when we start turning the color of the cranberry sauce (canned for me, thanks) that's sitting in front of us. Why can't this question just be forbidden to ask?
This intense curiosity, or backhanded compliment if you will, is certainly not restricted to the holiday dinner table. It also happens on first dates. Believe it or not, a client emailed this to me right while I was in the middle of writing this article:
"I get this question a lot on a date, 'Why are you still single?' I swear, I hate that question so much! I feel like men think it's a compliment, like, 'Oh, you're so attractive that it's hard to understand why you're single.' Or maybe they are just trying to find out if I'm crazy or not, but I never know how to answer it. I want to say it's because men don't act right, but I realize that might be a turn-off. LOL. How do you think I should respond?"
I have clients who also don't know how to respond when their first dates ask equally inappropriate questions, like:
"Why did you get divorced?"
"Why haven't you ever been married?"
"Why don't you have children?"
I'd lump Doris "interest" in with the questions above. They're things that shouldn't be asked, at least not in front of a crowd or on a first date ... but that doesn't mean that people won't ask them anyway.
How do you graciously deflect questions when family asks about your dating life during the holidays, especially if you're actively searching for a partner? As I would say to anyone trying to avoid the inevitable discomfort, just respond with something that does not put you on the defensive but instead looks to the future. Rather than yelling out the first instinct _ "Leave me alone! I just haven't met the right person yet! Pick on someone your own age!" You could instead reply, "You don't want me to bring just anyone, do you? When it's right, I'll let that special person in." Or, "Being single is a life choice, and it's one I choose to make right now." Some other alternatives that might get the job done are, "I respect myself too much to be with just anyone."
Just remember that the only person who has the right to judge you is, you guessed it, you. So, rather than hurling an equally low question at Aunt Doris _ "Why did you and Uncle Marvin get divorced again?" _ Just hold your head up high. You know that wherever you are in the process, or whatever life decisions you choose to make, no one has the right to make you feel bad about them. If all else fails, just tell her how delicious her pumpkin pie is.
Lastly, here are a few ways not to simply tolerate, but to embrace, being single this holiday season (or anytime really):
_ You can go to any party and meet anyone you want.
_ You can completely and utterly enjoy time with family rather than focusing on a partner. Family is forever.
_ You can watch an entire marathon of Gilmore Girls, and no one (except your cat) will say a word.
_ You have the freedom to be yourself, do your own thing, and just embrace life (any time of year).
