Not long ago, I decided to try an experiment. For a week, I attempted to respond to every email I got on OkCupid that I would normally not respond to for one reason or another ... usually because of explicit sexual content. (And, when I say "attempted," I really mean it. I got frustrated after about half a day.) Why did I do this ... for kicks and giggles? Not so much. My goal was to figure out what many men are thinking and see if my hypothesis was correct that:
1. Men used to actually send real, personalized messages to women but got a low response rate.
2. They got frustrated.
3. They then started to resort to asinine, impersonal emails to women since "it doesn't work anyway."
4. Rinse and repeat.
If you're thinking, "This seems like an over-generalization," that's because it is. I could never get inside the brains of everyone, nor does everyone think the same way. You also might think that some of my answers are rude, and perhaps they are, but I'm probing with a reason ... to show that, as women, we are real people with real feelings that can really be hurt. We _ still speaking from the woman's perspective _ need to stand up to men who say things to us that are undeserved (most women will simply delete the crass messages ... as I usually do) and show them that it's worth taking the time to write something genuine to a woman of value.
If I have helped even one guy in the process, then my work here is done. (As a note, when women send the first message, the same advice applies: Send something unique and tailored to the person's profile. It's a two-way street.)
Without further ado:
MESSAGE 1
Him: I figured you might appreciate this one I'm a magic genie. You have two wishes. What are they and why?
Me: And why would I appreciate this?
Him: Your profile makes me believe you enjoy storytelling
I like meeting people. I think a lot about what makes a great first meet and how to get to know folks. Through that, I came up with a set of questions that are fun and work. That was one I picked for you
Note: Still nothing remotely specific to me.
Me: I generally prefer to get a unique email, not a question you send to tons of other women. But I wish you all the best!
Him: I was pretty clear on that one being chosen for you. You made yourself clear so I won't message anymore but here's some food for thought.
I appreciate the response. Yet, I'd ask that you consider that. How many messages, regardless of image, profile or thoughtfulness do you think men send to get a response? Much less even read in the first place. You get flooded with so many, so you should be able to do the math.
I take the time to read your profile and I choose one, while adding a touch to tailor to your profile. If you want more than that, your expectations are far too high. And any guy who has that much time on his hands ...
Me: You nailed what I was trying to say! You (and many men) send the same message to everyone (I know you said yours was tailored, but it was not) ... therefore, fewer and fewer responses. Then you tailor less. Then even fewer responses. A vicious cycle. I'm not expecting too much. I'm worth a unique message.
Note: Hypothesis proved!
MESSAGE 2
Him: I know exactly what you're thinking and yes the rumors are true ... we would make ridiculously cute half-Asian babies!!
Me: And what makes you think I'd be thinking that?
Him: Lollll just an icebreaker. How's your day goin'?
Me: Is it an icebreaker that often works for you? How do you know whether I want children or not!
Him: 60 percent of the time, works every time. Your body, your choice blah, blah, Lol jk, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. How 'bout we grab a glass of scotch tonight? One Ice cube on the side.
Me: I'll pass but very much appreciate it.
Note: Even with it meant as a joke, it was not appropriate.
MESSAGE 3
Him: Hi there! WOW, you are gorgeous!!! Alex here, head chef in NYC, "good, giving, and game," kinky, and an all around fun guy! How are you tonight?
Me: What are you hoping to get from sending this email telling me about your sexuality? Did I do anything to indicate I'd appreciate that? Did I say I was looking for casual sex? Is my attractiveness the only thing you liked?
No response
MESSAGE 4
Him: Excuse me, would you be interested in corresponding in the hopes of obtaining one another's numerical combination to our communications devices for some form of mutual gain?
Me: May I ask how many people you've sent that to?
Him: Counting you, just three. They were sent a week apart from each other.
Me: Points for honesty.
Him: I don't like walking through the door with a guilty conscience. Cheapens the connection. Plus I'm too old to not be up front.
Note: Best response yet.
MESSAGE 5
Him: Hey what's up? My name's Bryce :) how are you?
Me: May I ask how many women you've sent this to today and why it would work?
Him: Haha I guess that's a fair question. I try not to send the same opening line to anyone, but this is a rather generic intro. As far as why it might 'work,' I just think it's a friendly short hello. I intentionally don't have my name on my profile because I like to introduce myself. I'm just genuinely trying to meet people and strike up a conversation.
Me: I suggest something specific next time. Makes a girl feel like she's not one of a million you copied-and-pasted to. All the best to you!
Him: Gratzi
MESSAGE 6
Him: I like what I see! Any chance I can hold you in my arms and kiss your neck and complement your beauty?
Me: No
Note: In what world would a woman say yes to this?
MESSAGE 7
Him: Drinks at my place tonight?
Me: Does that work on very many women?
Him: I think you know the answer
Me: Then no
Him: If 9 out of 10 girls say no and there are millions of girls then do the math.
Me: Wouldn't you rather take the time to write something unique that, say, three out of 10 high-quality women like? Or are we fishing for the bottom of the barrel to see who bites? Asking to learn your thought process.
Note: Hypothesis proved again! Send as many women (in this case "millions") the same horrific message in the hopes that one of 10 bites. Wow.
And with that, a lesson to the men: I know online dating is hard. I sympathize. I know response rates are low. Despite what you might think, it's that way for women too. But, a woman would much rather receive a message from a guy who takes the time to say something unique and acknowledges that she's a human being, not just a pretty picture. If you don't have time for that, then it's worth reconsidering how high of a priority it is for you to meet someone of quality, or which online dating site you try. Everything in life that is important takes time and work, and this is no different. Would you send the same cover letter out to 100 different jobs without tailoring it to the job you're looking for? The same concept applies here. But we are not jobs. We are people.
This is not one-sided, though. First, as I said before, when women send the first message, the same advice applies: Send something unique and tailored to the person's profile. A "Hey" or "How's it going?" simply won't cut it. Also, if a man takes the time to read your full profile and write a kind, specialized note to you, it can't hurt to send back, "Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful note! While I don't think we're a match, it didn't go unnoticed." And men? Please don't berate her for taking the time to reply, asking her why she's not into you. Take it as the compliment it is.
Last but not least, I've ignored one large group here: the group doing it right. In the course of that week (ahem... day), I also got some wonderful, personalized messages, and ended up meeting those people. I can't thank those men enough for taking the time to read what I wrote and express your interest. You are appreciated.
As I expressed here to men, don't generalize how women will respond. And, as women, we have to recognize the good from the bad and not assume because some men act atrociously, all do.
