WAVING GOODBYE
The Round of Arsenal has become one of the highlights of the European football calendar. Held every February, it marks the point at which Big Cup gets really serious, as 15 hopeful clubs join Arsenal for a football jamboree to decide which eight of the 15 move on to the next phase. Arsenal are – this is the only way we can make any sense of it – just happy to be there, and cheerfully wave the lucky eight off as they continue on their journey. Yes, we’re just happy to have been there, it’s the taking part that counts, and I’m definitely glad I didn’t spend any of the billions in the bank on a reliable defensive midfielder, smiles Arsène Wenger, still waving furiously, a light frost forming over his teeth as he fixates on a spot exactly 1,000 yards into the distance and stops blinking.
Wenger’s Wave is one of those pointless yet delightful folk traditions that people observe every year just for the hell of it, like piping in the haggis, bothering a large rodent for a long-term weather report, or asking your boss for a pay rise. But this season it may have to be cancelled, with Arsenal in grave danger of failing to turn up for their own party for the first time in 16 years. This is a result of having channelled their inner Tottenham and losing their first two group-stage fixtures against Basingstoke Town FC and a five-a-side team consisting of Eric Pickles, Steve Evans, Piers Morgan, Adam Lallana and Morrissey as rush goalie. Now they desperately need a result at home to Robert Lewandowski, who has scored 15 goals in his last seven games. And if that wasn’t difficult enough, Robert will be taking 10 of his Bayern Munich team-mates along for support. Oh!
Given that Bayern have played 12 matches so far this season, winning them all, scoring 40 goals while letting in just the five, this looks like being quite a tall order for Arsenal. Then again, Bayern coach Pep Guardiola has managed to talk the Gunners’ chances up while keeping a totally straight face, thereby proving anything in this world is possible. “I can imagine my team with zero points and playing in Germany against Arsenal,” he says. “I can imagine the mentality of my team – we would be an animal because it is our last chance, you give everything, and that will happen with Arsenal.” Indeed his opposite number Wenger has pretty much promised exactly this. “We have our backs to the wall,” he says, “but the confidence level is there. We know exactly what is required. We have to attack.” With that man Lewandowski lethal on the break, Arsenal might be playing a risky game. But they’ve little choice, because as things stand, come the new year, Wenger will most conspicuously not be waving. He’s not quite yet at the drowning stage either, mind, though come Tuesday evening his side might start to thrash around quite a lot.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Steve Evans doesn’t lie in bed and dream … Steve Evans is a manager opposition fans won’t like …” – the new Nasty Leeds manager at his big Elland Road reveal.
FIVER LETTERS
“Is there really any need to keep referring to the club as ‘Nasty Leeds’. Sounds immature” – Danny Ryan.
“With Jürgen Klopp’s ostensible ‘heavy metal football’ and now Massimo Cellino’s demand for ‘heavy metal football’ (yesterday’s Fiver), can we soon expect a Jonathan Wilson analysis of this exciting new style? Will we soon see a new breed of coaches expanding and refining it, with the creation of death metal football, black metal football, new wave of British heavy metal football, metalcore football, powerviolence football, blackgaze football, and so on? And what does Robbie Savage have to say about all of this?” – Michael Hann, Big Paper/Website music editor.
“No headlines for Sam Allardyce? Alec McAuley (yesterday’s Fiver letters) can do one. Black Cats squeeze into Big Vase, only to be pegged back in next season’s play-offs by a last-minute equaliser away to Dundee United: Allardyce Tannadice Paradise Put on Ice” – Ben Jones.
“Since Alec asked … bear with me. Sunderland boss discovers that the club canteen has been buying counterfeit tinned meat from a former big Dutch international defender. Ahem: Big Sam Slams Stam’s Sham Spam Scam” – Iain Plummer.
“I thought you were done with this but … the new Liverpool manager has ordered haircuts for all players, the better to see the ball, and each other. He then went to return a gift to a high street store, but refused to take a gift certificate as he had wanted a refund. While in the car park he noticed policemen arriving, parking, but leaving in different cars from the ones the arrived in: Klopp Crops Kop Flops’ Mop Tops, Stops Top Shop Sock Swap Sop, Spots Cops’ Chop Shop Drop” – Declan Houton.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Iain Plummer.
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Take a look at the numbers behind Fifa’s Ballon d’Or final 23, all to the sound of some fancy music.
BITS AND BOBS
Djinkin’ Djibril Cissé broke down in tears on French TV as he announced his retirement from football aged 34. “The body says stop, now it’s over,” he sighed. “I can’t practice high-level football.”
José Mourinho says he is a lonely kind of dude. “I live in a different world. I’m not with the power. I’m not with the power. I’m a lonely guy in this modern world of football,” he lamented, strumming his guitar and gazing out from his porch.
Fifa has named 26 February as the day it elects a scrupulously unimpeachable clean-up presidential successor to Sepp Blatter. Well, a presidential successor anyway.
Meanwhile, human rights campaigners have called for Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa to be barred from standing for president, accusing him of taking part in a crackdown against pro-democracy athletes in Bahrain in 2011.
Tottenham’s Nacer Chadli is out for six weeks with a spot of ankle-gah.
You’ve missed Raheem Sterling’s Mr 15%, haven’t you. Haven’t you? “The new Liverpool manager probably would have been a great fit for Raheem – passionate, disciplined in the right way, new ideas, not afraid of trying new things. He’ll do great at Liverpool,” trousered Aidy Ward. “It could have been a dream come true.”
And Swansea City face a rap on the wrists after the Liberty Stadium’s naughty big screen showed replays of Jack Butland’s studs-up challenge on André Ayew during their 1-0 defeat to Stoke. “The screen shall not be used to show action replays of negative or controversial incidents,” reads catchy League rule 39.4.1.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on … Howard Kendall.
A tremendous interview with John Robertson about tragedy and miracles, by Donald McRae.
Jamie Vardy … knows how to party. Jamie Vardy … knows how to party. In the citaaaaaaay of Leicester. In the citaaaaaaay of Ratae. In the citaaaaaaay of Caer Lerion. He keeps it rockin. He keeps it rockin. Stuart James reckons it’s time for some Jamie Vardy Love.
The German FA has left too many questions unanswered over its 2006 World Cup bid, reports Raf Honigstein.
Arsenal have plenty of reasons to be fearful against Bayern, warns Jacob Steinberg, with pretzel-driving’s Douglas Costa among them.
Spain’s usual suspects are a little less usual this season, writes Sid Lowe.
This week’s edition of The Gallery stars … Jürgen Klopp, and isn’t half bad. Next, send us your Jamie Vardys!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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