For a certain type of cap-wearing, fist-bumping, vest-wearing douchebag, this month’s Entourage movie represents the cinematic high point of the year. For them, it’s been too long since Entourage stopped being a television programme. They’ve had to endure four long years of not knowing what’s going on in Vinny Chase’s life. How many vacant starlets has he listlessly banged? How many minor celebrities has he got to bro-out with? How many meaningful conflicts has he been in since the show went off the air? None? Is the answer none? It’s none, isn’t it?
However, for critics, the Entourage movie presents a different – but just as irresistible – opportunity. It’s a chance for them to revive their favourite sport: mercilessly shoeing an ill-advised TV adaptation.
The film isn’t even out yet, and already Slant has deemed it the cinematic equivalent of a dad bod. Then there’s Time Out, who called it “the masturbatory fantasy of a men’s-rights activist”. And Variety, in perhaps the cruellest review of all, said that it “plays like an average but feature-length episode” of the TV show. Given that an average but normal-length episode of the TV show was about as much fun as being maced in the face with a full can of Lynx Africa at Tim Lovejoy’s Kasabian-themed stag party, these are strong words indeed.
Chances like this don’t come around very often for critics. The last one was in 2010, with the gleeful pile-on that accompanied the release of Sex and the City 2. And that was ages ago. The world’s film critics cannot possibly be expected to go that long without a feast. So, to help them out, here are some film pitches for other ill-advised movie adaptations of TV shows. Hopefully at least one of these can be rushed into production, and provide our critics with another target. Spoilers abound, obviously.
The Sopranos: the Musical
The movie starts with a slow fade-in from black. We’re back in the same diner as we were in the final scene of the TV series. But this time Jim Belushi (now playing Tony Soprano) is wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask and getting ready to perform a stirring opening number entitled I’m Just a Sobby Mobby Blob (And My Heart Belongs to You).
House of Cards: Viva Espana!
Frank and Claire Underwood decide to take a break from all the poisonous treachery of Washington DC, and spend a two-star, half-board fortnight in Majorca. Laugh! As Frank puts on a silly sombrero and mounts a beach donkey back to front. Cry! As Claire flirts with a Spanish waiter and steam literally comes out of Frank’s ears. Applaud! As Frank calls calimari “foreign muck” and goes to sleep by the pool with a knotted hankie on his head.
Breaking Bad: the Return of Heisenberg
Jesse Pinkman wakes up one morning to find a familiar figure sitting at the foot of his bed. “Mr White?” he asks. “Is that you?” The figure shakes his head. “Mr White is dead. I’m Heisenberg, and only you can see me!” he replies, before pulling down his trousers and farting and this whole film is literally just Drop Dead Fred, sorry.
Two Broke Girls: the Motion Picture
Just a load of people shouting no jokes at each other with exactly the same intonation, but for two and a half hours.
- Entourage: The Movie is released in the US today and in the UK on 19 June
