RED HOT TRANSFER CHAT
At the time of writing the Fiver, which was 253 Tins before whatever time it is now, the football world was in a febrile state: transfer fever was raging like never before and no one knew for sure whether that meant the game was in rude health or as sick as a parrot who’s trying to force through a move. But the Fiver smelled of vomit, so not everything was a-changin’. And several other much-loved characters also spent the early part of Deadline Day in reassuringly familiar poses.
There, for instance, was ‘Arry Redknapp, hanging his head out of a car window to reveal that Birmingham City had signed the ex-Arsenal midfielder Alex Song before news seeped out that ‘Arry was also pursuing the occasional Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere, who was also being courted by Incorrigible’s West Ham.
Wilshere was one of several players whom Arsène Wenger described only four months ago as “vital” to Arsenal, the others being Aaron Ramsey, Kieran Gibbs and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Since then Gibbs, having decided to stop wasting his life at the Emirates, has enrolled to study at the Tony Pulis Monotechnic College of No-Nonsense. Ramsey, meanwhile, is set to continue enjoying wide open gap years in Arsenal’s midfield. And as for Oxlade-Chamberlain, whose departure would cause “big damage” according to Wenger, well, he has departed. And Wenger cannot even grasp for moral superiority this time because Oxlade-Chamberlain has joined Liverpool, who will pay him less money than Arsenal and even Chelsea offered.
“I know my choice might come as a surprise to many, and the decision to leave was tough after being a part of the club for so many years, but I feel that this move is right for the next stage in my ongoing development,” yelped Oxlade-Chamberlain, who served in so many different roles during his six years at Arsenal that Stan Kroenke might even have heard of him.
As the Fiver went to press there were still no more clues as to whether Alexis Sánchez will be liberated from the Emirates before the window closes. And Arsenal were doing their utmost to give the impression that they were doing their utmost to buy some of the players they need. “The phone is red hot!” hurrahed Wenger before he paused to reflect on Oxlade-Chamberlain’s career at Arsenal. And then it occurred to him: eureka! He could use the phone as a makeshift toaster or a fridge.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Nick Ames as he goes deep into the night with our transfer window deadline day live blog.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“So the window ‘slams shut’ today. Count how many times you hear that said. Truth is it simply ‘closes’” – it’s hard to know where to start with Richard Keys’ morning missive. Bitter? Bonkers? Both?
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FIVER LETTERS
“How useful would Kevin Wimmer be as a hatstand? By my calculations, the most he could hold without damaging any hats would be three- one on his head, one on each hand. Why does this feel like the start of a long-running fiver letters page discussion?” – Andrew Tate.
“Oi, Russell Richardson [yesterday’s Fiver letters]! The goal celebration music at Roots Hall is an inspirational high-fiving, doffed-caps, thumbs-aloft ‘did-you-see-that?!’ to Southend’s adoring legion of stalwart fans. Just haven’t heard it much yet, that’s all” – Dom Maguire.
“It’s good to see that after watching his Liverpool destroy Arsenal, Herr Klopp decided that what he needed was to do was spend £40m on Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who also starred, if that’s the right word, in classics such as Manchester United 8 Arsenal 2, Chelsea 6 Arsenal 0, Arsenal 1 Bayern Munich 5 as well as the reverse fixture Bayern 5 Arsenal 1 and Liverpool 5 Arsenal 1 (which was only in 2014 but seems to have been forgotten amongst all the other debacles)” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is Andrew Tate.
OVER-EXCITED BITS & BOBS TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY SPECIAL
PHWOAR! Renato Sanches has joined Swansea on a season-long loan deal from Bayern Munich.
OMG! Tottenham have sealed a £23m deal for the controversial PSG full-back Serge Aurier.
WAHEY! Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain has joined Liverpool in £40m move from Arsenal.
OOF! Tottenham are trying to beat Chelsea to signing of Swansea’s Fernando Llorente.
BOOMSHAKALA! Burnley have announced the signing of striker Nahki Wells from Huddersfield for an undisclosed fee.
MEH! Liverpool striker Divock Origi has joined Wolfsburg on a season-long loan.
SPLOOSH! Watford have announced the signing of Greece goalkeeper Orestis Karnezis on a season-long loan from Serie A side Udinese.
KAPOW! Stoke’s record signing Giannelli Imbula has joined Toulouse on loan for the rest of the season.
LOLZ! Arsenal have run out of time to sign Thomas Lemar from Monaco, so Alexis Sánchez is staying put.
PARP! Oldham have signed Haiti international goalkeeper Johny Placide on a two-year contract. He’ll be [Fiver straightens tie, winks at the camera] a calming influence.
ACTUAL BITS AND BOBS
Northampton Town have picked a good day to bury bad news by showing manager Justin Edinburgh to the door marked Do One.
Kieran Trippier is out of the England squad with unspecified knack, while Joe Hart has been told he will keep his place against Malta despite, you know, everything.
The Flamin’ Socceroos World Cup hopes hang by a thread thinner than one attached to a cork dangling from a wide-brimmed hat after a 2-0 defeat to Japan.
Syria, meanwhile, beat Qatar to keep their qualification hopes alive ahead of a decisive fixture against Uzbekistan next week.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
It’s the harrowing story of the Premier League’s record breaking transfer window …
STILL WANT MORE?
Tinkering to follow tactical fashion can put right players in wrong roles, writes Liam Rosenior.
Which pop songs feature footballers and clubs? The Knowledge has the answer.
Ten things to look out for in World Cup 2018 qualifying? Yes, there really are as many as that.
Argentina visit Uruguay desperate to breathe life into World Cup campaign, writes Jonathan Wilson.
Paul MacInnes takes a look at multi-club ownership, though the Fiver is distracted by the word “Disneyfication” which we’ll be using at every opportunity from now on, whether we understand it or not.
A Belotti belter and a keeper caught out? It can only be the Disnification of this week’s Classic YouTube!
Meet Johnny McKinstry: the globetrotting football manager who has just turned 32. Well, don’t actually meet him – read this interview with him by Jonathan Drennan.
