COMETH THE DOUR, COMETH THE VAN
Who’s laughing at Manchester United now? Absolutely no one, that’s who. But that’s got nothing to do with Louis van Gaal silencing the haters and everything to do with his football being the equivalent of a tranquilliser dart or Kristen Stewart. Things that are currently rated as more fun than viewing United include watching paint dry, old episodes of Fun House, listening to someone else recite their gym regime, cardboard box factories, the Steve Jobs film, reading The Fiver, a car alarm going off in the middle of the night and that song that gets on everybody’s nerves, you know the one, that song that gets on everybody’s nerves, the song about getting on everybody’s nerves, with its lyrics about being a song that gets on people’s nerves.
Still, at least that song that gets on everybody’s nerves is something to engage with, whereas United’s football merely invokes a sense of ennui and beige. It’s quite impressive in a way, given how much money has been spent on making United this boring, like winning the lottery and spending the dosh on a lifetime’s supply of boiled meat. Yet Saturday’s draw with West Ham was United’s 427th goalless stalemate of the season, although rumours that Van Gaal amused himself by making his players fill out their tax returns during the second half cannot be confirmed, as everyone inside Old Trafford was asleep. All hail The Process!
A few miles down the road, Jürgen Klopp is making Liverpool exciting to watch again and that’s got Professor Ferg in a flap. “The one thing United don’t want is Liverpool to get above us,” Professor Ferg roiled, sewing some elbow patches on to his blazer. “He’s a fantastic personality, with those big white teeth always showing.” However, United aren’t bothered by Liverpool’s Klopp resurgence, because their suits are too busy thinking about how they’re going to stay awake in upcoming contract talks with Van Gaal, whose current deal runs out in 2017. From what The Fiver can make out in between yawns, it sounds like United would not be averse to extending Van Gaal’s stay. And why not? Pep Guardiola might be available at the end of the season, but it would be United’s pleasure to stand by, do the neighbourly thing and let him go to Manchester City. They’d be more than happy to do so. Delighted. Ecstatic. Has anyone got a spare pillow?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Match of the Day is a live programme and to subtitle it we used a method known as ‘live respeaking’. The voice recognition technology misrecognised the word ‘Villa’ leading to the error. We apologise for any offence caused and are working hard to make subtitles as accurate as they can be” – a BBC suit apologises to Aston Villa life president Doug Ellis after MotD subtitles mixed up the commentary “Great to see Doug Ellis here in his Villa scarf” with “Great to see Doug Ellis here with Hezbollah”. Pesky subtitles. Speaking of which …
FIVER LETTERS
“Given what happens when you select the subtitles function on the Henry Winter clip from Thursday’s last line, I’m not sure Henry is taking his A-game with him to the Times” – Simon Lea.
“More comedy gold from benchwarmer extraordinaire Nicklas Bendtner. Apparently, he is ‘tired of being portrayed as an idiot’ by the media. Perhaps he reputation may have been better if it was not for this … and this … and this … and this … and many others that I can’t be bothered to Google” – Noble Francis.
“Friday’s Fiver made reference to drinking ‘12 pints of frothy delusion-enhancer at our local, The Slow and Lonely Death’. What happened to the usual tipple of Purple Tin on a park bench? I hope this doesn’t mean The Fiver is getting ideas above its station” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Simon Lea, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo and co are here with the latest edition of Football Weekly.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Haven’t a clue how Big Cup might shake down going into the final group games? Join the club! So let this video guide take the strain.
BITS AND BOBS
Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri reckons games against Manchester City, Liverpool and Everton will define the Premier League leaders’ title hopes. “We have to put in very good performances against these big dogs,” he roared, before selecting ‘explosion’ on his Westwood soundboard.
Arsenal have paid tribute to 90-year-old Ernie Crouch, a lifelong fan who died in an accident on the way to the match against Sunderland. “Football was just his life,” said Pat Hale of the Arsenal Supporters’ Club.
Uncle Sepp is being investigated by the FBI in relation to the ISL scandal, which involved $100m of bribes being paid to Fifa officials.
Not for the first time in his life, Nigel Clough has gone for a Burton. “[Albion] have enjoyed a great start to the season under Jimmy [Floyd Hasselbaink] and his assistant David Oldfield and Nigel Clough is the ideal man to continue that work,” cheered Brewers chief suit Ben Robinson, holding a ‘Welcome Home’ banner while letting off a party popper [dextrous stuff – Fiver Ed].
Lord Ferg has backed José Mourinho to get shut of the stench of despair that’s been clinging to Chelsea like a determined limpet this season. “I know the guy and I know the work he has done in football and I can’t see it lasting long, I can’t see it,” said Ferg.
Manchester United’s 0-0 draw with Wolfsburg and subsequent elimination from Big Cup will have to be played out without Wayne Rooney (ankle-knack), Morgan Schneiderlin (thigh-gah!), Marcus Rojo (shoulder-snap) and four other treatment-table botherers. “You can’t win every year or every game,” sighed Louis van Gaal, getting himself in the mood.
And Fortuna Düsseldorf player Kerem Demirbay has been made to referee a girls’ game after channeling his inner Tyson Fury in a Bundesliga 2 match and telling a female ref that “women have no place in men’s football”.
STILL WANT MORE?
Not 100% sure what’s going on in the illustration, but hey: Sean Ingle’s column on buying Premier League clubs.
Ten of your finest Premier League talking points, barkeep, and make it snappy.
Big up yourselves, Stoke City.
Atlético Madrid have delved into their Horrible Histories box set and found themselves, reports Sid Lowe.
Serie A jinx Paolo Bandini on the rise of Bologna.
Chelsea’s terrible title defence gets a going over by Michael Cox.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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