It was Gary Lineker who best articulated the inferiority complex that haunts most England fans.
“Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.”
It was an observation based on the bitter experience of the former England striker playing in, and watching, big games in which the Three Lions succumbed to their inevitable fate.
Four times England have played Germany in the knockout stages of major tournaments since winning the 1966 World Cup, and every time they have lost. Twice, almost unbearably, in the semi-finals, on penalties.
Which explains why this fixture stirs fear and loathing in much of the nation’s heart.
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When England went out on penalties in Euro ‘96 it got very nasty.
There were riots in Trafalgar Square, a Russian was mistaken for a German in Brighton and stabbed, Aldi stores were bricked, and BMW repair shops did a roaring trade in new wing mirrors.
The last time England played in Germany in 2017, a hardcore of travelling fans disgraced the nation by chanting inane songs throughout the game in Dortmund about the last World War while mimicking fighter planes.
But there is a great deal of mythology surrounding the toxic footballing relationship between England and Germany which doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Even the Lineker quote.
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England has faced Germany, or West Germany, on 32 occasions, losing 15 games and winning 13.
But they have also played East Germany four times (between 1963 and 1984) and won three of the games.
Which means England lead the Germans in overall wins by 16-15.
As for the English innately resenting the Germans, that’s pretty much a Brexiteer fantasy whipped up by tragic cliche-spouters who still believe people actually laugh at gags about towels on sunbeds.
When Germany failed to get out of their World Cup qualifying group in 2018 the gloating here was subdued.
Younger social media users mocked the dated gags in right-wing tabloids about another German retreat from Russia, Nigel Farage got slaughtered for taunting Angela Merkel with the phrase “Germexit” and there was a backlash when a GMB TV reporter used the German flag as a dishcloth in a pub.
London-based German comedian Henning Wehn (standard put-down to an English heckler yelling about two World Wars and one World Cup: “four World Cups and one World Pope”) tweeted “Wanted: a new comedy act. The old one is buggered”.
To which he got masses of warm replies from English followers. It’s a generational thing. Nobody under 80 can genuinely remember World War Two, despite many on the right being unable to let it go.
Where I come from Scousers used to laugh at Stan Boardman’s quote about hating the Germans because they bombed his chippy, as they had parents who lived through the Blitz.
Today half the city would say they love the Germans because one of them, Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp, rebuilt their football club.
Klopp is a walking myth-buster, defying the stereotype about Germans being nerds with no sense of humour. The kind of laid-back, gag-cracking, partying guy who makes us realise we aren’t unlike our Teutonic neighbours.
English footballing rivalry with the Germans is so intense, because, like its cricketing rivalry with the Aussies it is based on a fraternal respect.
It’s all about a sibling rivalry. We want to prove our superiority to them because we have so much in common.
They listen to our musicians, love our comedians and share our liberal values.
We drive their cars, throw their supermarket hamburgers on our barbecues and buy their headphones.
Nobody outside of our countries likes our food, we go on holiday to the same places where we spend all day drinking beer, and we have a natural resentment of all things Gallic.
We even have a head of state of German heritage and the blond one in Number 10 has the middle name “de Pfeffel” as he’s part-Bavarian.
And our similarities, rather than our differences, will truly come to the fore on Tuesday if, as seems inevitable, the game goes to penalties.
If Germany win, the English will scream Anglo-Saxon expletives at God and drown their sorrows with pints of Becks and Lowenbrau.
If Germany lose, we will finally get to dish out some schadenfreude.
