Match report
Close of play: West Indies need 317 runs to win with 10 wickets remaining
That was a great day for England, who are strong favourites to win this match on a wearing, spinning pitch. Tom Davies and Daniel Harris will be here tomorrow. Thanks for your company, night!
6th over: West Indies 5-0 (Brathwaite 4, Powell 1) Moeen bowls the last over of the day with four men round the bat. Powell gets off strike and off the mark, which gives Brathwaite three balls to survive. He turns the first fractionally short of the diving Anderson, lurking round the corner, and then survives a huge LBW shout from the last ball of the day. It went straight on, past the outside edge to hit the pad. England are very tempted to review but decide against it. I think that’s the right decision as he might just have been outside the line. Yes, replays show it was the right decision from S Ravi.
5th over: West Indies 4-0 (Brathwaite 4, Powell 0) Brathwaite survives a huge LBW appeal when is knocked off his feet by a big inducker from Anderson. I think it was going down leg, and England decide not to review. Replays shows it was umpire’s call, shaving the leg bail. That’s fine umpiring from Chris Gaffaney. Brathwaite survives again when he tries to leave and accidentally diverts the ball on the bounce to second slip. A cracking over from Anderson.
“And over-60s can get in for £5 tomorrow,” says John Starbuck, “which must be at least half the OBO readership.”
Yes, John, I believe you are.
“Hi Rob,” says Tom Bowtell, “just back from Stockholm where thousands of people are blithely living cricket-free lives. If - IF - England win this, should they blood Crane at Lord’s in the name of pre-Ashes fact finding? I’d personally go wild and blood Jofra Archer too.
Pick a promising uncapped spinner for a dead rubber in the final Test before an Ashes tour? What could possibly go wrong? (Yes, if they win this I’d play Crane ahead of Westley and put Malan at No3.)
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4th over: West Indies 4-0 (Brathwaite 4, Powell 0) Another loose over from Broad, who can’t get his radar right. I’d give Moeen the final over at that end, with 14 men round the bat.
“Delighted to see Podmore getting the nod for Derbyshire,” says Nick Fisher. “As the man himself might say - ‘Get in! Very much so.’”
All we need now is a curmudgeon called Reardon at No6.
3rd over: West Indies 4-0 (Brathwaite 4, Powell 0) Brathwaite almost falls over as he lunges like a libidinous drunk at a gorgeous delivery from Anderson that bursts past the outside edge. The next ball goes the other way to prompt a big LBW appeal that is turned down. Too high.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Andy Bradshaw. “Wonder if Broad and Jimmy might break the habit of a lifetime and PITCH THE NEW BALL UP AT THE SODDING STUMPS AND NOT WASTE IT THE USELESS *$&$&%$^&”$*&*”$£%(“*”!£&$%”$£(%”£%$**.”
Is it time for England to put these thoroughbreds out to pasture????
2nd over: West Indies 4-0 (Brathwaite 4, Powell 0) A poor first over from Broad, who gives Powell plenty that he can ignore. By the way tickets are £10 tomorrow, with kids getting in free. GO!
1st over: West Indies 3-0 (Brathwaite 3, Powell 0) Jimmy Anderson starts to Kraigg Brathwaite, who cuts the first ball assertively for three. That allows Anderson to start toying with Powell, who is beaten by an outswinger and struck on the pad by an inswinger next up. England go through with a token LBW appeal but everyone realised it was missing leg stump. Good stuff from Anderson.
“Hi Rob, was just checking to see how the Admiral Lord Collingwood of Shotley Bridge was getting on,” says Chris Howell. “Very pleased to see he has his century, also tickled that there is a Mr Podmore playing for Derbyshire...”
He should be in the Ashes squad. If it’s good enough for Lord Cowdrey, it’s good enough for Lord Colly. Let’s see how all those sexy Australian pace bowlers handle Brigadier Block coming at them with the front dog and a dead bat.
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West Indies must be so disappointed that a potential win, the greatest win of their careers, has turned into a grim struggle for survival. That’s not easy to deal with, no matter how hard you try. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were routed.
So, West Indies need 322 to win. Unless somebody does a Mark Butcher, it’s not going to happen.
141st over: England 490-8 declared (Woakes 61, Broad 15)
Woakes punishes the weary Holder for consecutive boundaries with a cut and a drive. Some effective scampering makes it 12 from the over, and Joe Root decides to declare. I didn’t expect that but it’s the right decision; West Indies look physically and mentally shattered and could easily lose a wicket or two tonight. They have six overs to survive.
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140th over: England 478-8 (Woakes 50, Broad 14) Woakes drives Bishoo for a single to reach an accomplished, sedate half-century, his third in Tests.
“Highest England total without a century, blah…” sniffs Adam Hirst. “We’re also into the top 10 for England in the third innings and still climbing. Look! I done a statsguru!”
Statsguru with a capital S, please. Show some respect.
139th over: England 477-8 (Woakes 49, Broad 14) Thanks Tanya, hello again. I don’t think a declaration is imminent – on the balcony, Joe Root still has a hoodie on – though they will probably be bowled out before the close. There are 10 overs remaining after this one from Holder. Woakes flicks four more to move closer to a fifty – and, according to the chaps on Sky, make this England’s highest Test score without a century. The previous record was also on this ground 23 years ago, when Mike Atherton was agonisingly caught and bowled for 99 in his first innings after the dirt-in-the-pocket scandal (sic).
138th over: England 470-8 ( Woakes 42, Broad 14) England lead by296 And a knock on the door means that I miss all that over but I turn you over to the Master himself, Rob Smyth. Thank you for reading!
137th over: England 465-8 ( Woakes 41, Broad 10) England lead by 296 Holder brings himself back on, as a Mexican Wave swoops round the ground - a swooping slice from Broad grabs their attention back. England near the magic lead of 300.
136th over: England 460-8 ( Woakes 40, Broad 6) England lead by 291 Another no-ball from Bishoo is swept by Broad and short leg nearly gets thwacked by Woakes swinging the bat around. The shadows are lengthening at Headingley.
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135th over: England 455-8 ( Woakes 37, Broad 5) England lead by 285 Some extra bounce from Chase and a maiden.
MEanwhile Dennis in Leicester has some statty fun of the type Rob likes so much. “England’s first innings was 258. The Windies first innings was 427. In the 126th over, England were on 427 and their lead was 258, both exactly the same as the two teams’ first innings scores. Spooky, eh?”
134th over: England 455-8 ( Woakes 37, Broad 5) England lead by 286 Just two runs from Bishoo’s over and everyone takes drinks out on the field and perhaps a cup of Yorkshire for Joe Root in the dressing-room. If he is going to declare tonight - the 8073 basking in the crowd will be in for a fascinating last hour.
Oh, and Hameed has just been out for 15...
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133rd over: England 453-8 ( Woakes 36, Broad 5) England lead by 285
132nd over: England 453-8 ( Woakes 35, Broad 5) England lead by 284 Time for a breath. I’ll leave the words to Peter Salmon.
“I notice Eminem was headlining the Leeds festival last night – any news on whether he took advantage of the terrific £15 ticket deal today? Seems just the sort of chap who’d like the cut and thrust of a good day’s test cricket.
He could bring the wife and kids and still have change from a £50.”
131st over: England 450-8 ( Woakes 32, Broad 5) Broad, on a pair, gets off the mark with a sweep behnd square for four. The instructions from the dressing-room are pretty clear here.
130th over: England 448-8 ( Woakes 31, Broad 0)
WICKET! England 444 for 8 Moeen Ali c Brathwaite b Bishoo 84
Moeen went for a big hit and lobbed it up to long on, where Brathwaite holds on! For shame - a century would have been right.
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129th over: England 437-7 ( Moeen Ali 81, Woakes 29) England lead by 270. Tickety, tockety, goes the scoreboard, two from Chase’s over, as England’s lead grows. Meanwhile Richard Hands is in a happy place.
“I am, as ever, surreptitiously but immensely enjoying the OBO while summer half-heartedly puts in a belated appearance on the Brussels streets outside my office (blue sky! What’s that all about? We never have blue sky…).
I just want everyone to know that I love Moeen Ali. I love him. Nothing untoward, mind. My love is pure and beautiful and not of this world; just like his strokeplay. “
128th over: England 437-7 ( Moeen Ali 80, Woakes 28) England lead by 268. Just the one run off Bishoo’s over - and a chance for Holder to take a breath.
127th over: England 436-7 ( Moeen Ali 79, Woakes 28) England lead by 267. What can you say about Moeen Ali in full flow like this? Will you count the ways? A couple of classy boundaries - it is just a shame Headingley isn’t more full on such a sunlit eve.
126th over: England 427-7 ( Moeen Ali 70, Woakes 28) England lead by 258. A maiden from Bishoo.
125th over: England 427-7 ( Moeen Ali 70, Woakes 28) England lead by 258. A full toss from Chase is driven to the boundary from Moeen and a sweep for four brings up the 100 partnership from 113 balls. These two have turned the match as much with their speed and confidence as their strokeplay.
124th over: England 418-7 ( Moeen Ali 61, Woakes 28) An excellent over from Bishoo, teasing away, though England stretch their lead to 250.
123rd over: England 418-7 ( Moeen Ali 61, Woakes 28) Chase returns to bring a little control to proceedings. Moeen watching and noting, watching and noting.
122nd over: England 415-7 ( Moeen Ali 59, Woakes 27) England lead by 246
“Evening Tanya”, writes Simon McMahon . “Will England bat on for as long as they can, or try to get a lead of, say, 300 and then have half a dozen overs from Anderson and Broad tonight..?”
Simon, I can’t even replace the batteries in my remote control so what would i know? But you’d think he’d be tempted...
121th over: England 412-7 ( Moeen Ali 56, Woakes 27) England lead by 241 Fifty for Moeen with a drive through the covers off Roach for four - and what a counter-attacking, carefree, little beauty it has been!
120th over: England 403-7 ( Moeen Ali 48, Woakes 26) England lead by 234
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119th over: England 402-7 ( Moeen Ali 47, Woakes 26) England lead by 233 So Kemar Roach has a go, but the result is a similar looking soup. A drive and a cut from Woakes takes England past 400.
118th over: England 394-7 ( Moeen Ali 47, Woakes 18) England lead by 225
117th over: England 391-7 ( Moeen Ali 47, Woakes 16) Moeen drives gloriously for four, then uppercuts for four off a no-ball and finishes off with a crisp, flourishing cover drive to the boundary. The West Indies body language says “bewildered”
116th over: England 376-7 ( Moeen Ali 33, Woakes 16) England lead by 192 Oh West Indies. More calamity. Moeen is caught cutting off Bishoo’s first ball of the over, but it is no-ball. Only just, but only just enough. Then, Holder calls for a review of an lbw decision - which it turns out is spinning past leg.
115th over: England 374-7 ( Moeen Ali 32, Woakes 16) Shannon Gabriel attempts to restore some common sense at the other end, bustling and bristling, but a couple of full tosses and a no-ball rather spoil the tone. And there’s a gorgeous drive for four by Woakes and a flick off the pads to the boundary by Moeen.
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114th over: England 361-7 ( Moeen Ali 27, Woakes 9) England lead by 192 A slightly off the wall bowling change from West Indies as part-time offspinner Kraigg Brathwaite, whose action was quibbled after Edgbaston, opens the bowling after tea. First ball is a loopy full toss thwacked for four by Moeen. “Is he bowling for a declaration?” asks Ian Ward.A loopy, full toss thwacked for four by Moeen. The over improves, slightly.
If you can tear your attention away from the Test for a minute - it is a fascinating day in the Championship. A mile away from this very sitting room, Haseeb Hameed will shortly be batting against Warwickshire. And at Chelmsford, top of the table Essex are stumbling against struggling Somerset. Read all about it here!
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Tea
113th over: England 357-7 ( Moeen Ali 23, Woakes 9) England lead by 188 Well, that was a bit of an unexpected adrenaline boost. A wicket cascade has left West Indies in with a chance and yet... if Moeen hangs around... Over on Sky, Athers and SirIan think England have enough.
Just the thought of the myriad possibilities has put a boiiiiing and a spring in Robert Wilson’s step, “Bangladesh thumping the Aussies, the West Indies coming right back at ya, is it just me or does the world seem suddenly young and fresh again? I feel like singing songs or strewing daisies around the sunlit meadows.”
Robert, you go for it.
113th over: England 357-7 ( Moeen Ali 23, Woakes 9) England lead by 188 The lesser-spotted Bishoo comes on for the last over before tea and tight it is.
112th over: England 356-7 ( Moeen Ali 22, Woakes 9) England lead by 187 Moeen thwacks the first ball of Roach’s over for 4 -high over backward point. Lovely!
111th over: England 351-7 ( Moeen Ali 17, Woakes 9) England lead by 178.
“Afternoon Tanya.” writes Guy Hornsby. Hello! “What a time to join us, eh. I love YJB as much as the next OBOer, but that was a true brain fade. Getting on top of the bowler doesn’t have to be that brazen. You do have to wonder how much stick Moeen would’ve got had he done that? This is on a knife edge now, with these two needing clear-headed batting, not the brash swinging bravado of one of the West Stand faithful. Anything under 230 just won’t be enough. Pessimism ahoy!”
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110th over: England 347-7 ( Moeen Ali 15, Woakes 7) England lead by 178. Kemar Roach replaces Holder at the Kirkstall Lane End. Moeen slaps it through the covers for four. Thwack! And another boundary, this one a clip off the hip.
109th over: England 339-7 ( Moeen Ali 7, Woakes 7) A slog-sweep from Moeen for four off Chase - neither of these batsmen are going to hang around twiddling their thumbs. England lead by 170
Liam again, on ironing: “I wouldn’t mind but I then tried to finish off a third and Bairstow. Stopping now.”
Very wise - I consider ironing a complete waste of time myself. But then I’m a scruffbag.
108th over: England 333-7 ( Moeen Ali 2, Woakes 6 ) Holder chugging away, keeping Woakes guessing, playing and missing. And then a classy Woakesean on-drive which runs down to the boundary for four.
107th over: England 328-7 ( Moeen Ali 2, Woakes 1 ) England lead by 159. Oh Jonny - he’d just played two beautiful strokes and I was going to wax lyrical on how many runs he has scored for Yorkshire at Headingley over the last few years.
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WICKET! England 327-7 (Bairstow b Chase 18)
Oh no! He tries to reverse sweep Chase from outside leg and drags the ball on. Yikes.
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106th over: England 323-6 (Bairstow 14, Moeen Ali 2) Another one down - this time Bairstow dropped by Kyle Hope at short cover off Holder. Tricky, but West Indies needed it.
“Bloody hell I only started doing the ironing 10mins ago and there has been two wickets” writes Liam Bergin.
“Creased shirt tomorrow, it’s a sign”
But of what Liam? Of what?
105th over: England 316-6 (Bairstow 9, Moeen Ali 0) Ohhh, this is fascinating, Chase to Moeen, some big turn here.
104th over: England 316-6 (Bairstow 9, Moeen Ali 0 ) Four byes as a ball from Holder bounces and swings past the diving Dowrich
103rd over: England 312-6 (Bairstow 9, Moeen Ali 0 ) Poor Malan - not done quite enough to save the game, not done quite enough to guarantee his tour place. Watchee, waitee.
WICKET! 312-6 (Malan b Chase 61)
Malan perhaps unsettled by uneven bounce earlier in the over, bowled playing inside an off-break. Game on?
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102nd over: England 312-5 (Malan 61, Bairstow 9) Beautiful extra-cover drive by Bairstow for four off Holder from a man who will be desperate to do well here. And again, a lovely little four off his toes.
101st over: England 304-5 (Malan 61, Bairstow 1) The wicket fell to the first ball after drinks, but will it be too late for West Indies to grab the match?
WICKET! England 303-5 (Stokes c Brathwaite b Chase 58)
Stokes caught at long off going for a big hit, a cool, cool catch by Brathwaite just inside the boundary
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And thank you so much Rob, lucky I made you odd cup of tea during your work experience stint, back in the day. Turned out my technical issues were that the remote needed new batteries - which feels a bit like the sort of problem the West Indies might have had this afternoon. Sky have England 50% chance of a win, West Indies 10%, and a draw sneaking up to 40%
100th over: England 303-4 (Malan 61, Stokes 58) Holder jags one back into Stokes, who is hit near a painful area again. That’s drinks.
“Hi Rob,” says Brendon O’Sullivan. “Having tried Cloudwater’s fantastic double IPA at Birmingham’s marvellous 1000 Trades bar last month (at half that price), I’d say it’s worth it. But it was their alternative 80s night, Now Ham, and the dj had just dropped “The Killing Moon”, so I was a bit emotional to begin with. Keep up the fairly good work!”
I shall do no such thing. Tanya’s Sky feed is working again, so I’ll hand over to her until tea. Thanks for your company, bye!
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99th over: England 302-4 (Malan 61, Stokes 57) Roston Chase replaces Gabriel. Nothing happens. Pulitzer please!
98th over: England 300-4 (Malan 60, Stokes 56) The captain Jason Holder stands alone on the burning deck. He bowls a good maiden to Stokes, with one delivery going past the outside edge. What he really needs, however, is a wicket or six. This is slipping away.
“Re Martin Phillips complaint about ‘2nd new ball’,” begins Paul Ward. “Does he not share my pain when the OBO keeps saying ‘1 new update’ when updates are by definition new?”
Yes, but have you considered… I mean, you do realise that sometimes an update can… is it not possible that… I’ll get back to you.
97th over: England 300-4 (Malan 60, Stokes 56) Stokes has broken his bat. He looks genuinely upset, as if he’s already planning whereabouts in the back garden to bury his best friend. Parting with your bat is such sweet sorrow: Stokes belts his first delivery with the replacement bat for four to reach a sensational fifty, full of authority and extravagant strokeplay. The next ball is too straight and flicked for four more, and then Malan smashes a boundary to make it 13 from the over - and bring up the 300. England lead by 131, and West Indies are starting to drown in fatalism.
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96th over: England 287-4 (Malan 56, Stokes 47) Sound the demerit poiunt klaxon! Ian Ward, on Sky, apologies for some language coming through to the stump mic. I’m not sure who it was but presumably one of the West Indies players. Jason Holder has replaced Roach, who picked a bad time to bowl a bad spell, and beats Malan with a very full delivery that misbehaves out of the footholes.
“Have you seen the price of this beer?” says Sam. “GBP13.40 a pint!”
Look, Sam, aspirational alcoholism doesn’t come cheap.
95th over: England 285-4 (Malan 54, Stokes 47) Stokes rams Gabriel’s attempted yorker whence it came for four. The next ball, another attempted yorker, elicits an even better shot through mid-on for four.. This has been a brilliant innings from Stokes, an immaculately judged fusion of positive attack and positive defence. And the moment I type that, he is beaten on the inside by a significant jaffa from Gabriel. That only just missed the off bail.
“Hello Rob,” says Martin Phillips. “Am I the only one (answer, very probably, yes) to be bothered when pundits talk about ‘the second new ball’? The first ball used in an innings is by definition going to be new, so really it’s just ‘the ball’. Once 80 overs have been bowled, the option comes of taking a “new ball”, so it shouldn’t be the second new ball, or even the first new ball, just... the new ball. Is there, perhaps, a sound reason for this?”
There is indeed: cricket is an incorrigible kook. And thank goodness for that.
94th over: England 275-4 (Malan 54, Stokes 39) A flowing drive from Malan off Roach brings him a sixth boundary. He doesn’t need Junior Soprano to tell him how close he is to going on an Ashes tour. A century would seal his place - this isn’t 1998 - and I suspect 80-odd might as well. But if he falls for 79, it’s over between us.
Roach isn’t bowling well, and I suspect Holder will replace him at this end. England lead by 106.
“It’s £4.50 for a pint of black sheep at Headingley,” says Matt Fordham. “I think there was a bigger queue for Yorkshire tea as it was free. I’m saying nothing.”
Two more bits of housekeeping, while I remember Will Macpherson is taking care of the County Cricket Blog, and fictitious OBO creation Gary Naylor has written his county cricket talking points.
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93rd over: England 269-4 (Malan 50, Stokes 38) That’s a great point from Nasser, via someone on Twitter: had Stokes sworn when he was hit in the box, would he have been given a demerit point and therefore banned? Back at the ranch, Malan reaches a gritty, 162-ball fifty with an inside-edge for a single off Gabriel. Well battled, youngish man.
Meanwhile, after another terrific day’s play in Mirpur, Bangladesh have a great chance of a first Test win over Australia.
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92nd over: England 268-4 (Malan 49, Stokes 38) Stokes walks onto a wide, full-length delivery from Roach and punches a lovely drive through extra cover for four. Stokes now averages exactly 40 since the end of last summer, which is excellent given the game-changing nature of his runs. If you go back to the start of 2016, which includes the 258, he averages 45.
Here’s your friend and mine, Ian Copestake “Talking of technical issues, I am attempting to follow the game while editing the next issue of the William Carlos Williams Review (imagine editing the New Yorker in your pants [not your pants, Rob, obviously] in a bedsit with no staff while being abused online by Mac Millings et al). So I want to state publicly that any typos, factual errors or inclusion of inadvertent references to cricket are entirely the fault of Ben Stokes.”
91st over: England 264-4 (Malan 49, Stokes 34) Malan hooks Gabriel for a single to bring up the fifty partnership. Although Stokes has been the dominant partner, Malan’s innings is becoming increasingly valuable as a platform from some lower middle order bish-bosh.
Here’s an email from Project B. “Check out what’s going down and coming up at PROJECT B...”
Not now Project B, there’s a Test match going on!
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90th over: England 260-4 (Malan 46, Stokes 33) Roach is picking a bad time to spray the ball all over the place, and there are no alarms for England in that over.
“Hello Rob,” says Bill Vincent. “I can’t see why Root’s conversion rate matters. He averages 54, and has made well over 5000 runs in under 60 Tests. Plus he’s only 26, so has at least a decade’s Test cricket ahead of him. In short, he’s well on track to becoming England’s most prolific ever batsman. All done with style, much of it under the pressure of coming in at the inevitable 35 for two, and at a scoring rate that often makes his runs decisive. Better that, surely, that getting a century every ten Tests, but 10s and 20s between them, at a conversion rate of 100%. One other thing, the far more important issue of beer prices. When I arrived at University (In a long lost Sheffield of steel mills, smoky pubs and barmen who called a 16 stone prop-forward - me - “love”) a pint of Newcastle Brown was 25p in the Hall bar. Happy for a quid, blotto for two quid, in A&E for three quid. Happy days - eat your livers out, kiddies.”
I’ll never forget, or remember, the night cans of Coors was 50p at Keele in 1996. That’s an interesting way of looking at Root’s conversion rate. I suppose we’re just never satisfied; we always want more. What do they call that? Greed, aye.
89th over: England 259-4 (Malan 45, Stokes 33) Shannon Gabriel, all muscle and bustle, charges in to Stokes, who defends carefully. His bowling hasn’t really kicked on - he’s still the occasional match-changer he was in 2015 - but he is a serious Test batsman now. Even the greatest are not exempt from the cheap comedy that occurs when they are hit flush in the box, however, and that’s what has just happened to Stokes. A good over from Gabriel is tarnished when a misfield from Holder at mid-off gives Stokes four runs.
88th over: England 255-4 (Malan 45, Stokes 29) Kemar Roach has just bowled an iffy first over with the second new ball, including a poor delivery that Malan pulled round the corner for four.
Hello, Rob again. Tanya is having technical issues, so I’m stepping in for a minute. My gain is your loss.
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West Indies are going to take the second new ball.
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Tanya Aldred, one of the golden generation of young cricket writers at Wisden Cricket Monthly in the early 2000s (Tanya, Booth, Emma John, Simon Briggs, Christian Ryan, Peter English, somebody I’ve offended by momentarily forgetting them), will be with you straight after lunch. You can email her on tanya.aldred.freelance@theguardian.com. Bye!
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Lunch
86th over: England 251-4 (Malan 41, Stokes 29) Bishoo’s last over before lunch goes for a couple. That’s been an excellent session for England, despite the loss of Joe Root. Dawid Malan played like Chris Tavare, scoring 20 runs in the session, and Ben Stokes played like Ben Stokes to take England’s lead up to a useful 82. The afternoon session, when West Indies will take the second new ball, is likely to decide the match, and possibly the series.
86th over: England 249-4 (Malan 40, Stokes 28) We’ll have one last over before lunch, after which West Indies will surely take the second new ball.
“Rob,” says John Starbuck. “On TMS Aggers is bemoaning his broken boiler. This was preceded by Boycott delegating all household tasks to his housekeeper, but as she is unlikely to drive down the A1 to fix it, Aggers intends to go to the pub to find a short-notice plumber (his regular guy being away in Wales). This sounds like an excellent excuse for getting a drink or two, no matter what a pint costs, but one suspects it’s more likely to work in the country rather than a town or city. Dating aside, would you go out to a city bar?”
Never, although I do live in Orkney so city bars aren’t the easiest to access. That would be quite the drunken journey home.
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85th over: England 248-4 (Malan 40, Stokes 27) Stokes is looking dangerous. When doesn’t he? Bishoo drops short again and is flashed through midwicket for four. He has bowled too many fourballs, which have obscured the wicket-threatening deliveries - like that, a good legspinner that Stokes inside-edges for a single.
“I think we can easily explain the Root Conversion dilemma based on the wrongheadedness of expecting adherence to a decimal system,” says Michael Hunt. “Fifty and a hundred are relatively arbitrary scores given importance based on using a rounded 10 as key. If we move instead to a much more sensible duodecimal system and so look at conversion rates from 36 to 72, we see that the perfect conversion of this innings sits Joe on I make it a 56% conversion rate, compared to Smith (52), Kohli (50), and Williamson (50).”
84th over: England 242-4 (Malan 39, Stokes 22) Chase beats Stokes with a beauty that drifts in and spits away. There is plenty in this pitch for the spinners, as has often been the case at Headingley in recent times. Stokes knows that being beaten is an occupational hazard and it isn’t affecting his attacking approach. When he gets a straighter delivery from Chase, he crashes a sweep through midwicket for four. England lead by 73. I think they’ll win this now, perhaps by a biggish margin.
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83rd over: England 237-4 (Malan 39, Stokes 17) Malan, caught in umpteen minds, almost drags Bishoo back onto the stumps. The next ball is a long hop and hammered into the leg of the man at short leg. He’s fine, although the incident gives a bit of a shudder to those who recall Nick Knight wearing one on the head at silly point in 1995.
“I don’t want to talk about Roots converstion rate,” says Felix Wood, subtly making that point by misspelling conversion and omitting Root’s possessive apostrophe. “It is, however, astonishing that he can have such a good average with so many runs left on the ground, as it so often feels. But I could talk about Thorpe all day long. One of my favourite things about him was that he decided to bat left handed just because his brothers batted right handed. I used to long to be good enough at batting to be able to copy his marking of his gaurd with the bail, but as I usually only lasted a ball or so I think it would have invited too much ridicule. Ah, memories.”
82nd over: England 236-4 (Malan 38, Stokes 17) Roston Chase comes on to replace Holder and rips one out of the rough to beat Stokes’s attempted sweep. As Mike Atherton says on Sky, it’s fair enough to delay the second new ball until after lunch, when Roach and Gabriel will have had a rest. It’s such a pivotal moment in the series, and the last thing you want is them to bowl four weary overs for 30 before lunch.
In other news, a plot just thickened. “Hi Rob,” says Ben Parker. “In response to Mr Millard (71st over) asking about the price of t’pint at that fancy Lords I am pleased to confirm that it is indeed much more than ooop norf. I found this on their new-fandangled internet site: ‘Revisionist Craft Lager, Stowford Press Cider, New World Pale Ale, Marston’s Pedigree and other guest ales from £5.20’. Yours in regional stereotyping.”
I’ll be pretty surprised, and even more disappointed, if this burgeoning mystery doesn’t have its own Netlflix Originals documentary by this time next week.
81st over: England 234-4 (Malan 38, Stokes 15) Bishoo continues, nothing happens. Here’s Ian Copestake, and by heck is he feeling mindful. “For Test matches to engage with the people who matter (namely flush hipsters) there should be an alcohol ban and a focus on wholewheat snacks grown organically on the practice pitches. Make England healthy again.”
80th over: England 233-4 (Malan 38, Stokes 14) It’s hard to judge this Malan innings. The half-full argument says he has shown impressive character and restraint; the half-empty argument says he is strokeless, was out early on and dropped this morning. The new ball is due but it looks like West Indies will continue with the old one until lunch.
“It was £3.50 a pint in the bar under The Tavern Stand,” writes ‘Steve Hudson, debunking stereotypes since 1961.’
What about the pork scratchings mate?
79th over: England 231-4 (Malan 36, Stokes 14) “Dear Rob,” says Robert Wilson. “Has there ever been a less charismatic or sexually attractive statement than your ‘God, I love stats.’ (63rd over). Best laugh I’ve had in months. Thanks. I know that it’s a magical, surprising and infinitely complex world we live in but even if you were an unholy mix of Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Zayn Malik, when your eyes meet those of some toothsome damsel over the shimmering candle-light (after an evening of perfect cooking and kitten-rescuing) and you say God, I love stats, the night just isn’t going to pan out as you hoped.”
You clearly weren’t at Data Night 2017. It was like Eyes Wide Shut in there! Without the boring bits!
78th over: England 230-4 (Malan 35, Stokes 14) There’s a good battle going on between Holder and Stokes. Holder is changing his angle of delivery; Stokes is changing his position on the crease, standing outside to some deliveries. It’s a maiden. The new ball is due in two overs’ time. That’s the game and the series, right there. We haven’t really talked about the state of the series. It’s as if we’re all assuming England will win the third Test by an innings regardless of what happens here!
“Confirming a stereotype is all in a day’s work,” says Jon Millard. “And if we have overpriced North/South beer parity, then the Grauniad’s Job is done. Root dismissal a horror show.....sound of sucking teeth between shot and catch nearly gave me tinnitus. Never mind, In 45 quid’s time I won’t care...”
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77th over: England 230-4 (Malan 35, Stokes 14) Bishoo has a biggish shout for LBW against Stokes turned down. Stokes was beaten on the inside but had gone so far across that he was hit outside the line of off stump. When Bishoo then tosses one up towards the rough, Stokes reaches out and clatters it down the ground for four. That’s another superb stroke. Malan and Stokes then steal a second run to take England’s lead to 61.
“Last year the Marston’s Pedigree in the Tavern at Lord’s was £3.50,” says Steve Hudson. “So there.”
Do you mean at the ground or in the Lord’s Tavern? Not that I particularly give a solitary stuff, but there is a difference between the cost of a pint inside the ground, just outside the ground, and if you shove a 12-pack of Hofmeister up your jumper. Follow the bear!
76th over: England 223-4 (Malan 33, Stokes 9) Malan belted 78 from 44 balls on his T20 debut against South Africa. In Tests he has been the opposite, with a strike rate in the 30s rather than the 170s. In this innings he has 33 from 116 balls.
“I’m sure I’m not the first to point out that the obvious reason for Joe Root’s poor conversion rate is that you keep jinxing him by talking about it,” thunders Mac Millings. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry!
75th over: England 223-4 (Malan 33, Stokes 9) Stokes edges a quicker delivery from Bishoo just short of slip. There is no sense that both teams are waiting for the second new ball; Bishoo looks a threat.
74th over: England 222-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 9) That’s a stunning shot from Stokes, a short-arm pull for four off a ball from Holder that kept a bit low. He does play some unique, almost Pietersenian shots; there was another against Australia in the Champions Trophy that had Virat Kohli purring and tweeting.
“Am sat in a play-gym wondering if I i ever see my three year old again so I don’t have the stats to hand,” begins Nick Goldspink, “but isn’t the conversion rate problem due to the fact that his rate of scoring 50s is exceptional - something close to 50 50+ scores in a little over 100 innings...it would be Bradmanesque to convert 50% of that many....”
That’s a fair point, though Steve Smith has a similar rate of scoring 50s and an almost Bradmanesque conversion rate. Maybe he’s just too good for everyone.
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73rd over: England 218-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 5) This is only Bishoo’s tenth over a match in which, thus far, he has played as a specialist nightwatchman. It’s a decent one, most of which is defended solidly by Malan.
“Morning Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “This is shaping up to be a gripping Test match. As is the one in Dhaka. Not that I’m following them closely or anything. Working, you see. Working. (Insert winking emoji here).”
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73rd over: England 218-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 5) This is only Bishoo’s tenth over a match in which, thus far, he has played as a specialist nightwatchman. It’s a decent one, most of which is defended solidly by Malan.
“Morning Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “This is shaping up to be a gripping Test match. As is the one in Dhaka. Not that I’m following them closely or anything. Working, you see. Working. (Insert winking emoji here).”
72nd over: England 217-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 4) Holder is bowling superbly around the wicket to the left-handers, getting the ball to tail away from a line that makes any leave fraught with peril. Malan is beaten, following one such delivery.
“Just from you mentioning Thorpey, I remember his struggles to convert fifties,” says Gareth Fitzgerald. “In his early career there were plenty of counter-attacking 60’s and 70’s (his front leg off the ground pull shot was awesome) and then he totally changed in the second part of his career (bad back?) Would love to see a grizzled Joe Root in ten years time making nurdled, crab-like hundreds with only one boundary. I’d take one today in fact...”
What a genius he was. His calculated counter-attacks were one of the best things about watching England in the 1990s, and he was so adaptable. Never mind my granny: I’d run myself over in a handbrake-related fiasco to have him batting at No5 in this team. England had some outstanding batsmen in the 90s but I think he was the best. It’s such a shame he lost a fair bit of his peak years to injury and heartbreak.
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71st over: England 217-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 4) Bishoo comes into the attack and gets some sharp turn into the new batsman Stokes. He has improved enormously against spin but he still isn’t that comfortable starting against it when the ball is turning. Bishoo generously gives him one off the mark - or rather four, a long hop that is slaughtered to cow corner. It almost went for six.
“Regarding Matthew Doherty’s wish...does Stokes get to be Botham or Dilley?” says Jon Millard. “Incidentally, I’m a Yorkshireman at Test cricket for the first time in my life. In Yorkshire. £4.50 a pint. What is it at Lord’s?”
£4.50 a sniff I think. Also, congratulations on your sterling work in preserving Yorkshire stereotypes.
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70th over: England 213-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 0) Jason Holder replaces the slightly wayward Kemar Roach, now with two left-handers in his sights. And Malan has been dropped! Oh, madon, the West Indies have had a shocker in the field. Malan had a big, loose drive and edged it straight to first slip, where it was put down by the crouching Powell. In his defence, he was probably put off by Dowrich, who dived a long way and then withdrew from the catch. That was not the time for a keeper to dummy his first slip, however adroitly he did it. In his defence, the ball did start to swing away at the last minute. Maybe it wasn’t quite the shemozzle we first thought.
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69th over: England 212-4 (Malan 32, Stokes 0) That was really well bowled from Gabriel, who has had such a good match. Root shaped to lift it over the cordon but it followed him and left him with no room to control the shot. England lead by 43.
“Using your immense archives of cricket knowledge and actuarial stats abilities,” begins Ben Parker, mistaking me for someone, anyone else, “can you tell me if a tenner on Windies to win at 4-1 is a good bet?”
It is now! (I still think England will win, but that wicket is, in the parlance of our time, mahoosive.)
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WICKET! England 212-4 (Root c S Hope b Gabriel 72)
Joe Root has gone! He was cramped for room by Gabriel and steered the ball to gully, where Shai Hope almost muffed a simple chance before grabbing it at the 48th attempt. Root can barely drag himself from the field. That is a mighty wicket for the West Indies.
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68th over: England 212-3 (Root 72, Malan 32) Root strongarms an attempted yorker from Roach through midwicket for four, is bowled by a dead ball - no controversy, he wasn’t ready and pulled away - and then flicks another boundary to move into the seventies. It was always likely that, in the short-term, the captaincy would have a positive impact on Root’s batting. Even so, 727 runs at 72.70 represents a fine summer’s work, even if that bloody conversion rate continues to put an asterisk against his achievements.
“I think there are many factors influencing a player’s conversion rate aside from the individual merit of the batsman,” says Jonathan Gresty. “One thing I would say in Joe Root’s defence is that he knows he has a lot of good batsmen coming in after him. So if the team needs to chase a game or go on the attack, he knows he can take risks which the batsmen with higher conversion rates might not take. Perhaps the fact that he puts the team ahead of his own run-scoring ambitions is one of the key reasons - for which we should definitely cut him some slack.”
Yes he’s certainly selfless, though I don’t see that as a big factor – it’s not like he is slogging for a declarations. It’s hard to explain. Graham Thorpe had a similar problem for much of his career.
67th over: England 203-3 (Root 63, Malan 32) Gabriel swings one down the leg side for a bye, with Dowrich acrobatically saving three runs. The next ball is a wide. Holder might have to bring himself on sooner than anticipated, because Roach and Gabriel have been more Jackson Pollock than Shaun Pollock this morning.
Malan takes a dodgy single to mid-off and has to dive desperately to make his ground as Holder’s throw whistles past the stumps. He has an even bigger scare off the last ball of the over, flciking it just over the leaping square leg for four.
66th over: England 195-3 (Root 62, Malan 27) Roach has been too wide to Malan, who is playing only when absolutely necessary. It’s like watching Alastair Cook. Roach gets the last ball spot on, a superb awayswinger that goes past the edge.
“Hello Rob,” says Matthew Doherty. “In answer to Joe Root’s low conversion rate compared to the other batsmen is that England are 20 for 3 when he comes in to bat.”
Why would that affect his ability to turn fifties into hundreds? I’d have thought that would make him more likely to not reach fifty.
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65th over: England 195-3 (Root 62, Malan 27) Root walks across his stumps to clip Gabriel through midwicket for four. That also brings up the hundred partnership. These are slightly ominous signs for West Indies, though the wicket of Root would change everything.
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64th over: England 189-3 (Root 57, Malan 26) Roach goes around the wicket to the largely strokeless Malan. It’s another maiden, better than the first, though I was a bit distracted by Mikey Holding, who is ranting majestically about everything from the West Indies’ fields to the underuse of Devendra Bishoo.
“Hello Rob,” says Matthew Doherty. “Is it tempting fate for Bairstow and Stokes to do a Botham and Dilley this afternoon?”
England aren’t in that much trouble, at least not yet. I think they’ll give it some humpty though, certainly if Root and Malan can bat for a couple of hours.
63rd over: England 189-3 (Root 57, Malan 26) Root pulls Gabriel through backward square leg for four before being beaten by two superb full-length deliveries. Root will be desperate to make a hundred today for a few reasons. It’s his first close Test as captain, on his home ground. And then there’s that pesky conversation rate of fifties to hundreds: 28 per cent, which compares unfavourably to his peers. Virat Kohli’s is 55, Steve Smith’s 50 and Kane Williamson’s 40. It’s hard to find a reason for it. Maybe it has become self-perpetuating in the last year or so because the problem is getting worse rather than better: since the end of the 2015 Ashes, Root’s conversion rate is 21 per cent. God I love stats.
62nd over: England 185-3 (Root 53, Malan 26) A poor maiden from Roach to Malan, the kind Alan Mullally used to bowl on a bad day, with the radar all over the place.
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61st over: England 185-3 (Root 53, Malan 26) A no-ball from Gabriel is punched down the ground for four by Malan. He hasn’t looked convincing in his short Test career, in truth, yet that won’t matter if he gets a score today. A big innings would surely secure a place in the Ashes squad.
60th over: England 179-3 (Root 53, Malan 21) Kemar Roach opens the bowling to Joe Root. To say Root is a big wicket today is like saying oxygen is a useful survival tool. He reaches the usual fifty with a couple of boundaries between the slips and gully. The first was deliberately played, the second a thick edge through the gap.
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The Dan Lucas Memorial Cup Dan’s girlfriend Liz has asked me to thank everyone who went to or supported his memorial match last weekend. It was a great success, with £1310 raised on the day and the kind of feelgood athletic ineptitude you would expect from Guardian readers. Andrew Miller, UK Editor of Cricinfo and aspiring stand-up comedian, has written a very funny match report here.
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Preamble
Hello there. After five one-sided Tests, finally a contest. For the first time this summer we go into the fourth day with no real idea who’s going to win. England will resume on 171 for three - a precious lead of, erm, two - with Joe Root on 45 and Dawid Malan on 21. It was hard work yesterday evening, but the labours of England’s batsmen have given their flammable lower middle order something to work with.
If England win, it will be only the fifth time they have done so after a first-innings deficit in excess of 150. A West Indies victory would be their first in England since 2000, and only their fourth away to a team other than Zimbabwe or Bangladesh since 1997. All told, this should be quite a day.
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