England v Sweden: Amazing, everything, it's coming home – alternative World Cup commentary, from Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi
So, this is it – the most exciting moment since, well, 2006, when the England football team last appeared in a World Cup quarter-final. Back then we got squished by the mighty Brazil. Today we have the chance of being squished by dull old Sweden.
Most crucially, can the English nation handle the kind of excitement that had grown men and women crying out in despair during Tuesday’s match against Colombia?
And where better to discover the kind of good, relaxing company you’ll need for the coming 90 minutes (or maybe more – eek), than right here at The Independent’s World Cup alternative live blog, where footballing experts Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi will be following every kick, slap, slip and tackle.
Stick with us people and follow all the live action below
That's all from us this evening. You can follow our other live blog, where we'll be covering Croatia's quarter-final match against World Cup host's Russia, with kick-off at 7pm.
Mark Steel: What a superb result. This team is a collective, more than any England team I remember. Compare the persona of Harry Kane to the superstardom of David Beckham (who was a superb player).
It's managed by someone who understands the social reasons, the absurd pressures, the inflated self-importance of England that has ruined previous England teams.
This lot are easy to love. I'd better stop. (I'm supposed to be doing a show in Nottingham on Wednesday night - hmmm).
Mark Steel: I love Pickford, but I'm not sure you'd want him living next door to you. "Jordan, I'm sorry I parked near your mother's plants but you don't need to jab your finger in my face and scream 'get over there'."
Mark Steel: That last save by Pickford was even better than the others. And his yelling at his defenders was world class. Surely he should be Viscount of Cumberland or something similar by 5.10pm.
Shappi Khorsandi: We made a dash for it to the neighbour opposite among the England furore. I find my son and his footie mad mate ignoring the game because they want to be playing themselves, while us mothers guzzle prosecco on the edge of our seats.
Shappi Khorsandi: Amazing, everything! If I had run over to my neighbour opposite I’d have missed England's second goal too. All my neighbours are WhatsApping. We daren’t leave our houses for fear of missing a moment.
Mark Steel: Jordan Pickford's earned the right to scream at anyone he likes after making some phenomenal saves for England, including his defence, the fans, Kyle Walker's mum and even Vladimir Putin.
Shappi Khorsandi: Cameras cut to Swedes cheering. The words that come out of my mouth are “don’t care how pretty you are darling, you’re going to lose”. Fair to say my desperation for England to win isn’t bringing out the best in me.
Mark Steel: I think the Swedish tactic of pumping up a long ball to no one, every seven minutes, is in hope of Zlatan Ibrahimovic coming out of retirement and bursting onto the pitch to score and this being somehow missed by VAR.
Shappi Khorsandi: Three seconds after England scored, my friend called me “to have a chat”. I hung up. I will have to buy her dinner now, but seriously!
Mark Steel: Right, for anyone who doesn't normally watch football, here are the rules. You don’t say a thing. You don't mention semi-finals or things coming home, nothing. Shush.
