If England do go on to win the Six Nations, the southern hemisphere will rightly point and laugh at the standard of northern hemisphere rugby. This was an entertaining enough game and credit has to go to both sides for trying to play fast and open rugby.
Any idiot can play fast and open rugby though. The tackling from both sides was school kid level and England especially were about as composed as Bart and Milhouse on a squishee bender. They top the table on points difference, but the 20-odd points they missed out on here are likely to come back to hurt them next Saturday given the poor opposition their title rivals face.
Tell you what, let’s forget this match. It was terrible. Next weekend we have a triple-header (my hands!) that will decide the destination of the title one of four ways on the final day. You can’t ask for more than that, can you?
Thanks for reading, and for all your emails and all that. Bye!
Updated
Full-time: England 25-13 Scotland
80 min Scotland win the lineout but knock-on. England play advantage and Cipriani chips ahead. Hogg covers, but then his pass is intercepted by Nowell. England can’t make headway though – it’s a woeful mess in midfield now – it goes loose and that’s that.
79 min Penalty Scotland and Hogg kicks to the corner. One last play then.
78 min The restart bounces out and England get the lineout. They win said lineout, Scotland try to disrupt and, when the ball gets stuck in the ruck, England get a scrum.
Updated
77 min Danny Cipriani does get a game then, replacing Mike Brown for the last three minutes. That’s the second match in a row that Scotland have conceded a try after a badly missed penalty hit the post.
Try! England 25-13 Scotland (Nowell 76)
England secure the ball on the rebound, recycle it well and get it left with a miss-pass by Ford. Nowell shrugs off Fife’s tackle and dives over.
76 min 17m in from the left, 23m out, this should be bread and butter for George Ford. He hits the post.
74 min Eventually, England are awarded a penalty. Ford will go for goal and try to wrap this one up.
72 min Sam Hidalgo-Clyne replaces Finn Russell. He’ll go to nine, with Laidlaw playing at 10.
71 min Ford into touch on the 22, on the left. Youngs overthrows, but Nowell secures it. Wood then goes through, but when Brookes charges on he loses it forward. This is difficult to watch now.
Updated
70 min Wigglesworth’s box kick is too long and Seymour takes it on. Right it goes but Tonks spills the ball. England swarm but can’t secure it, so it goes right to Russell in space. He reaches halfway but then loses it. England move the ball back inside and win a penalty when Cross goes offside.
69 min Lawes deals out one of his specials on Russell, but the 10 gets it away. Scotland work it left, then toss it into touch as Seymour looks on.
68 min Another England change as Cole is off, Brookes on. Scotland lineout just over the England 10m line on the left and it’s cleanly won. Another loose pass, but Seymour picks it up and makes ground.
67 min Haskell, Ben Youngs off; Wood, Wigglesworth on. For Scotland it’s Beattie for Harley. Ford returns the drop-out, then Vunipola enters a ruck at the side and concedes a penalty.
66 min Clean scrum from Scotland and Laidlaw sends it high. Fife chases well but spills it into the hands of Mako V. A couple of phases and Ford goes with the garryowen. Laidlaw returns it and England spin it left to Nowell, who kicks ahead rather than taking his man on. The ball bobbles in-goal and Fife dots down.
64 min England go through the phases in midfield but Scotland’s defence is uncharacteristically unyielding. Brown spills the ball forward in the tackle. This is dreadful.
63 min England get the free-kick at the scrum, with Ryan Grant now on for Alasdair Dickinson on the Scotland side.
62 min Scotland cough up possession and Joseph flicks a pass to Haskell, who turns and passes to Brown. The full-back jinks round and goes under the posts, but the TMO review shows that Haskell’s pass on the 10m line was forward. That was very, very poor from the flanker; there was no reason for him to get that very basic pass wrong.
62 min England go quick and Ford kicks in behind Russell, finding touch inside the Scotland half. Scotland go quickly but...
61 min Scotland win the lineout and maul it forward. It goes left and Fife spills it backwards. It comes back on the Scotland side, but they’re not making any ground in midfield here. Wide it goes and Hogg puts his grubber into touch in the 22.
60 min Mako Vunipola comes on for Joe Marler, Fraser Brown is on for Ross Ford.
59 min This time England look to maul. It goes down though and they move it inside, but Tom Youngs doesn’t release it on the ground. Does anyone know why Tom Youngs is in this squad?
58 min Quick ball from the lineout and Watson picks it up off the floor and goes through to the 22 from halfway. Ford stabs a kick through to the left for Nowell, but Russell gets there and Laidlaw clears to the 22.
57 min Ford forces Hogg back into the corner with a neat diagonal kick, but the Scotland full-back clears to touch on the 10m line.
56 min Swinson wins the lineout and Laidlaw plays a delicate chip over the top, but England win the loose ball. They carry it up through Nowell once again, then Tom Youngs becomes the latest man to go clean through at pace. The replacement hooker then throws an utterly dreadful pass into no-man’s land, nowhere near a single England man.
55 min Ashe and Cross come on for Denton and Murray as Hogg clears the penalty to touch, midway between the 10m line and halfway.
54 min Right they go but Ford’s offload from the floor goes straight to Cowan. Russell clears but straight to Brown and England take it back up into the 22. Joseph makes a half-break, but upon his being tackled, Lawes comes into the ruck at the side and Scotland get the penalty.
53 min Ford’s kick also catches the wind, but to positive effect as he finds touch just inside the 22 on the right. Youngs throws to his clubmate Parling but it’s messy. England set themselves and crash it up to the 22. It goes left and Nowell goes through Hogg.
52 min Russell’s restart catches the wind and drifts straight out. England scrum dead centre. It’s a very strong scrum and England get another penalty as Scotland are forced up.
Penalty (Ford 51) England 20-13 Scotland
Ford to kick for goal, 15m in from the left and around 25m out. This is his toughest kick so far by a distance, with the wind rising, but he nails it. England make their pre-prescribed changes as Parling and Tom Youngs replace Attwood and Hartley.
50 min Hartley’s throw is well taken by Lawes and Harley concedes a penalty for tackling in the air.
49 min Scotland scrum on their own 22 and it’s a good one, but Denton is caught at the back of it. Slow ball and Hogg clears into touch on the right, 5m outside his own 22.
48 min Once again, Swinson replaces Hamilton.
47 min Lawes with a brilliant tackle on Russell wins the ball for England. They go through the phases in midfield now, working it up into the 22, but then Nowell comes in off his wing and knocks it in trying to take Youngs’ popped pass.
46 min Hogg steps past Burrell’s attempted tackle inside his own half, but can’t make any ground. Burrell was England’s best player in the 2014 championship but he’s in poor form this time around. Laidlaw hangs up a high kick and Tonks takes on the England 10m line.
45 min Vunipola takes the restart on his 22 and powers forward. Youngs clears long to Denton.
Converted try! England 17-13 Scotland (Ford 44)
Back inside it comes, Ford spots a gap as he takes it on the loop; he goes between Tonks and Harley and dives under the sticks.
This is a nice way of putting it:
@DanLucas86 can't help but feel like both teams are playing with imaginary players, giving the passing. Gutted about that England knock on.
— Tori N Turner (@miscreancy) March 14, 2015
43 min Scotland win the scrum and Tonks takes up, before Laidlaw kicks long to Nowell, who has made so much ground from kick returns today. Ford chips over the top and Joseph gathers just outside the 22. On they go and England get a penalty advantage as first Nowell, then Brown go up to the line...
41 min George Ford gets the game underway, with Greig Tonks on for Matt Scott. Tonks is one of just two backs on the Scotland bench. Jim Hamilton is back on after a concussion check. Nowell skips through another gap, up to the 22, but knocks on. Plus ca change.
I said earlier that this wouldn’t be much of a game if Scotland didn’t turn up. Well, they haven’t in defence. England should be out of sight but are deservedly losing. Compare the defence in this match to these ridiculous stats:
Wales produced an incredible defensive display. 289 tackles made is almost 3 x their Championship average #WALvIRE pic.twitter.com/c1HcEaavok
— Accenture Rugby (@AccentureRugby) March 14, 2015
All this will tell you that this has been entertainingly shit rugby.
England will not be happy. They were cutting Scotland to ribbons, but butchered three good chances, made sloppy mistakes and are somehow losing this one. Deservedly.
Half-time: England 10-13 Scotland
40 min England win the lineout and Youngs kicks possession away. A few phases and Laidlaw kicks it dead.
39 min Swinson is taken out in the air, landing on his neck, and Scotland play the advantage. He’s fortunately OK though. It goes right to Hogg and he kicks to touch down the right, finding a good touch 10m past the England 10m line.
Penalty (Laidlaw 39) England 10-13 Scotland
We go back for an advantage to Scotland, a penalty 10m out and just to the left. Not sure what that was for, I’m afraid. Laidlaw puts Scotland in front though.
37 min Scotland are dominating possession now and Russell pops a lovely ball inside to Seymour, who breaks through the middle and takes it on the angle into the England 22. It’s recycled and goes left, but Hoggs tap-pass across to Seymour is called forward. Escape there for England.
36 min Bennett stands up well in the tackle and Laidlaw takes it on the loop. He passes left to Hogg, who burns off Watson down the touchline and chips ahead. Ford gets back and dots down ahead of Seymour though. Jim Hamilton is coming off for Scotland, Tim Swinson taking his place. That’s not going to help Scotland’s underpowered pack.
35 min Ford finds touch down the left, but not gaining much ground. Lawes wins the throw at the front and Youngs sends it high, but Fife catches excellently on halfway.
34 min Quick ball off the top as Denton wins the lineout. Right it goes and they’re making ground, up to within 5m, but Robshaw wins an excellent turnover and Scotland are penalised for not releasing.
33 min OK I’ll stay, turns out I can’t retire on the £14 winnings. Scotland get a penalty at the scrum as once again Marler fails to drive straight. Russell puts an excellent kick to touch, on the left, midway inside the England 22.
I've won the Guardian Sport prediction sweepstake
I’m outta here.
31 min Hogg takes the restart and gets flattened by a Lawes/Robshaw combination. Slow ball, but Laidlaw finds a good touch with his box-kick, 45m from his own line on the left. England win the lineout and Burrell goes through a gap, passes to Joseph and it’s on to Watson who crosses, but Ford’s pop pass to his inside centre was forward.
Penalty (Laidlaw 30) England 10-10 Scotland
Laidlaw knocks over the penalty, but they really should have had a try there.
29 min Penalty Scotland as Cole charges round the wrong side of the ruck. Pure cynicism and he’s lucky not to be carded for that.
28 min Scotland are up to the 22 now as Denton crashes through Vunipola. There are men over on the right, but Laidlaw keeps it tight. Now it goes wide and Fife surges forward, Bennett takes it on and then Jonny Gray takes it up to the line...
26 min Seymour again knocks on at the restart. England play advantage and Brown kicks long to Russell. He swings it left to Hogg, who has a look but there’s no way through the England defence. They recycle and Matt Scott arches round the outside of Joseph and burns him off down the right!
Penalty (Ford 26) England 10-7 Scotland
Ford puts England back in front.
25 min England win the lineout and Vunipola gets the legs pumping, up to within 5m. Scotland are off their feet and that’s a penalty right in front of the posts.
24 min England have been dominant but probably deserve that for playing like utter thickos so far. Cowan knocks on at the restart and Joseph stabs a kick through. Seymour runs it into touch.
Conversion (Laidlaw 23) England 7-7 Scotland
A beauty from the touchline.
Try! England 7-5 Scotland (Bennett 22)
Ford goes long on the England 10m line and Seymour comes off his wing. Scotland take it on and it’s taken up into the 22. Right they go, England are stretched and Bennett takes advantage of the overlap!
21 min Seymour chips over the top of Watson now, but Brown is once again secure at full-back and calls the mark. England should be about 21 points up by now but this has been very scrappy. Open and fast, which makes a nice change, but not especially good.
20 min Scott wriggles through a gap, then Russell goes high and shallow. The ball bounces backwards into the hands of Laidlaw, who stabs through.
19 min Lawes gathers the lineout, but Youngs knocks on. England are cutting Scotland to ribbons here, but they’ve made basic, stupid errors every time. Scotland have tackled and kicked like amateurs though. Bad amateurs at that.
18 min Loose from England as Ford takes his eye off the ball in his own 22. They keep it and clear, then Denton flings a pass into no-man’s land. Kicked clear by Hogg, Ford claims and chips ahead. Laidlaw slides it into touch and looks to offload before going out; it’s a good job he failed to do so in time as the ball went straight to Robshaw.
17 min Gray wins the lineout and Scotland this time maul upfield. Cowan presents it to Laidlaw, who sends it up but Vunipola takes well and offloads to Nowell, who sprints through only to stumble on the 22. England recycle but again lose the ball. Seymour grubbers ahead into space, but Brown wins the race back.
16 min Shows what I know. Marler drives in at an angle unnecessarily and Scotland get the penalty. Finn Russell clears to midway between his own 10m line and 22.
15 min England demolish the Scotland scrum and get another penalty. The penalty try is more of a probability here than a possibility, you feel.
Matt Dony writes: “I was hoping for a sneaky Scottish win to take England out of the reckoning and build confidence for the Ireland game, clearing a path for Wales. Looks like I might end up sharing the despair, though. Got a spare spoon, McMahon?”
14 min Russell dummies to kick from inside his own in-goal area. Courtney Lawes isn’t buying it and flattens the Scotland 10, winning his side a 5m scrum, 15m in from the left. Great work by the giant lock that.
13 min Scotland kick the turnover ball straight to Nowell though. England run it from deep and Nowell bounces off one tackle. It’s recycled and Youngs makes a break before offloading to Brown. The full-back cuts inside and makes for the line, but he’s chased down brilliantly by Hogg and Scotland win the turnover.
12 min Hogg returns the kick but Brown takes well. England have mismatches wide on the right but elect to keep it tight, then Youngs box kicks to Fife. Russell sends a high cross kick but it’s easily taken by Watson and he offloads to Joseph. The Bath man turns it over though.
11 min Scotland scrum wide on the right just inside their own 22. It crabs inside but Denton comes out of his 22 with it. Laidlaw clears long and Nowell takes it well. England go right, then Brown kicks to Hogg.
10 min Robshaw’s pass bounces kindly for Ford and he loops round the outside of Scott. Left it goes to Nowell and he goes down the left touchline, but a good tackle from Fife induces the knock-on.
9 min Harley takes it for Scotland but Scotland are driven back. Laidlaw tries a cute pass out the back of the hand, which goes to ground but they recover, only for Russell to throw a loose pass, which Lawes pounces on.
8 min England win the scrum cleanly and Ford clears to halfway. Scotland get the penalty at the breakdown as Burrell is penalised for not rolling away. Russell goes for touch and finds it on the left, 5m outside the England 22.
6 min Seymour nearly claims the restart but knocks on on the 22.
Converted try! England 7-0 Scotland (Joseph 5)
Four phases, Matt Scott is way out of position and leaves a massive gap for Joseph to step through and cross next to the posts. Let me revise that prediction...
Updated
4 min Oh dear, Jonny Gray steals the first lineout and Laidlaw clears. Nowell takes it though and bounces off the first tackle. He gives it to Brown who goes through this hole-ridden Scottish defence up to the 22.
3 min Hamilton wins the lineout on his own 10m line on the right. Laidlaw sends it up high and Brown spills it, but Jonny Gray was offside giving chase. Ford kicks to touch inside the 22 on the left.
2 min England go through the phases and it goes left to Haskell, but England are penalised for obstruction. That was a butchered try though for England as Burrell should have given it wide to Watson.
1 min Russell gets us underway and Haskell takes outside his 22. England drive it up on the maul to the 10m line, then Ford scythes through a gap. On it goes to Burrell and he’s tackled, but England are up to within 10m. Ominous signs for Scotland.
Looking at the lineups, Scotland look underpowered to deal with England, especially in the pack. As long as England are patient they’ll win this comfortably.
Prediction time: England by 11.
Would it be worth taking the Six Nations off free-to-air TV if it meant we didn’t have to listen to Brian Moore anymore? Yes, yes it would.
Before Round 4, Scotland had conceded as many metres in the maul as all the other nations combined. #ENGvSCO pic.twitter.com/jUBlufnJfb
— Accenture Rugby (@AccentureRugby) March 14, 2015
“I just wish Armitage was here so we can either say ‘yes, he’s in’ or ‘no, he’s not in’,” says Clive Woodward. No Clive, he’s not in. Glad to clear that one up for you.
“Evening Dan.” Evening, Simon McMahon. “Missing the game on the telly box due to an early Mothers Day tea (League Cup final in Scotland tomorrow, so needs must), but not of course the MBM. Looking forward to the main course. I’ve ordered hope as a starter, and fully expect to have despair for dessert. Come on Scotland!”
Having said that, if this match is anywhere near as exciting as the second half in Cardiff then this will have been a mighty fine day of rugby itself. Apart from the Northampton result.
I hope you picked option two. It’s all on England now to win this one, not just for themselves but for the Six Nations: a three-way (although there’s technically a chance France could still win it) shoot-out next Saturday is what we’re all hoping for now, yes?
Also I’ve been asked to point out that there’s no way Tony Stanger grounded the ball in 1990 and that Scotland’s Grand Slam record is null and void. Which is absolutely correct.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi4UzaUpRBg
Preamble
Evening folks. Does anyone remember the Give Yourself Goosebumps book series? The version of RL Stine’s kids’ horror novellas where your previous choices determine the outcome of the story (and in one cruel case traps you in a never-ending loop between pages 18 and 51)? Well, welcome to give yourself preamble.
Because I’m not a bloody machine, I’m writing this before Wales v Ireland kicks off and, as I probably don’t need to tell you, the outcome of that is hugely important to England’s Six Nations title chances. So, we’re going with one of the following:
1. Evening folks. England’s Six Nations title hopes may be pretty much dead in the water, with Ireland needing to lose to Scotland and Wales to Italy next weekend, by decent margins for England to take the crown, but this is the Calcutta Cup! The auld/old rivalry! The damn Scots who ruined Scotland! This is a chance to put another dent in the pride and confidence of a side who were stunned by Italy a couple of weeks ago and to finally hit top gear ahead of the World Cup. It’s on.
2. Evening folks. It. Is. On. Wales triumph over Ireland earlier on in Cardiff has made this a three-way title chase and England have the chance to finally end their second-place hoodoo. Of the three fixtures next Saturday, England’s against France is certainly the toughest, so they’ll be doing themselves a mighty big favour if they can rack up a monster score against a wounded Scotland. Forget the Calcutta Cup; there are bigger fish to fry now!
Let’s not forget about Scotland. It wouldn’t be much of a game without them, after all. The talk this championship has been of them needing to finally win a match. They could have beaten France. They should have beaten Wales. Dear god they should have beaten Italy, but went into England-batting-in-an-ODI mode and ballsed that one up too. They’ve come in for a wave of deserved criticism, not least from this very MBM department, are hurting and Vern Cotter has wielded the axe. He’s made five changes to the side and, not only do the new players have a point to prove but there’s the small matter of a 32-year wait for a win at Twickenham.
Alex Dunbar, one of the few Scots to really impress so far, is sadly out for nine months with ligament damage and so the exciting Matt Scott replaces him at centre. Also in the backline, Dougie Fife replaces the veteran Sean Lamont, while at 10 Finn Russell returns from suspension in place of Peter Horne, whose late missed penalty to touch proved so costly two weeks ago. In the pack, David Denton starts in place of Johnnie Beattie and Jim Hamilton, age 304, replaces Tim Swinson.
England make two expected changes. Mike Brown and Courtney Lawes are both fit again and replace George Kruis and Alex Goode, although not in that order. Goode wasn’t good against Ireland, so Brown’s recall is welcome, and Lawes adds far more than either second row, who disappointed in Dublin. It’s perhaps not surprising that it’s Kruis rather than Attwood who makes way, but it’s probably the wrong call if you ask me. On the bench, Kieran Brookes is fit again and replaces Henry Thomas, Geoff Parling comes in for Tom Croft and Tom Wood – who hasn’t been in the same kind of form as Calum Clark for Northampton – takes Nick Easter’s place.
Kick-off is at 5pm. Here are the teams in full:
England
15-Mike Brown, 14-Anthony Watson, 13-Jonathan Joseph, 12-Luther Burrell, 11-Jack Nowell, 10-George Ford, 9-Ben Youngs-; 1-Joe Marler, 2-Dylan Hartley, 3-Dan Cole, 4-Dave Attwood, 5-Courtney Lawes, 6-James Haskell, 7-Chris Robshaw (captain), 8-Billy Vunipola
Replacements: 16-Tom Youngs, 17-Mako Vunipola, 18-Kieran Brookes, 19-Geoff Parling, 20-Tom Wood, 21-Richard Wigglesworth, 22-Danny Cipriani, 23-Billy Twelvetrees
Scotland
15-Stuart Hogg, 14-Dougie Fife, 13-Mark Bennett, 12-Matt Scott, 11-Tommy Seymour, 10-Finn Russell, 9-Greig Laidlaw; 1-Alasdair Dickinson, 2-Ross Ford, 3-Euan Murray, 4-Jim Hamilton, 5-Jonny Gray, 6-Robert Harley, 7-Blair Cowan, 8-David Denton
Replacements: 16-Fraser Brown, 17-Ryan Grant, 18-Geoff Cross, 19-Tim Swinson, 20-Johnnie Beattie, 21-Adam Ashe; 22-Sam Hidalgo-Clyne, 23-Greig Tonks
Your pre-match entertainment comes courtesy of this album, 20 years old yesterday. What a performance this is.
Dan will be here shortly.
