Close of play: Pakistan 100-2
As feared, play has been abandoned. The day belongs to Pakistan’s top order, who reacted to being blown away in the first innings by being thoroughly solid in the second. In 56 overs, they have lost only the openers, both LBW, both umpire’s call. Azhar Ali came out to bat for the third time in the match – file that one away if you’re a pub quizzer – and simply carried on where he had left off last night. He has now faced 364 balls in this Test and scored 170 runs. Jimmy Anderson found some reverse swing to take one wicket and reach 599 in Tests, but now he’ll have to sleep on it and hope that the rain forecast for the morning is diverted in the night.
The last word goes to Brendan Large, the visionary reader who worked out just before Stuart Broad did that yorkers were the way to go when faced with a soft ball and a slow pitch. “Can we all agree,” he pleads, “that it was a mistake not to start at 10.30 today and ensure that we plan to tomorrow, whatever the forecast? If England are one wicket short at the end, that may well have been the difference.”
Thanks for your company, your emails and your erudite comments on the terminology of cricket in Russian.
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“For me,” says Jim Haddow, “Joe Root is not a great inspirational captain. He does not have the character and charisma to lift a side when they are down and not much seems to be happening. These are the very times when you need your captain to lift the mood of his side, instil the belief in them that the most unlikely breakthrough not only can happen, but is probably just about to! Like Warney and the great Botham used to kid batsmen and sow doubt in their minds, even when the pitch was completely placid.
“There is always the risk of upsetting dressing-room morale if you change a popular and respected captain, but he does not seem to be the most tactically astute and his batting form is not overwhelming either. I feel at the right moment he should be replaced as captain and left to focus on his batting. He will have to improve even in that department to be assured of his place in the side, as England seem to have plenty of exciting options coming through.”
That’s a bit harsh on his batting – he’s so good at his best that his place should be safe for quite a while. But I have to agree about the captaincy. If he were to give it up, which he shows no sign of wanting to do, England would lose nothing in terms of leadership, and gain a fair amount in terms of runs. He’s such a likeable guy that he would surely be able to cope with no longer being the boss. He slots easily into the one-day team under Eoin Morgan, who is the great England captain of the age.
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Now it's raining!
And raining hard. That is surely that for the day.
Time for another Russian lesson. “No no no Iain,” says Oleg Smirnov, spying the 35th over. “Off to the back of the class you go. точки means points only in the sense of geometrical points (or a typographical period). очки is exactly the right word for points or runs scored. And yes it also means spectacles. And in the singular (очко), the colloquial meaning is sphincter or toilet. And очко играет (literally, a playing sphincter) would be the appropriate colloquial expression for the sensation produced in a batsman by a well-directed Archer bouncer.” Good to have got to the bottom of it.
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Bad light strikes again!
And off they go, with Jimmy Anderson stuck on 599. He may be asking the team analysts if they can check the forecast.
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56th over: Pakistan 100-2 (Azhar Ali 29, Babar Azam 4) A couple of singles off Root and up comes Pakistan’s hundred. It’s been a doughty performance, decidedly old-school.
55th over: Pakistan 98-2 (Azhar Ali 28, Babar Azam 3) Bess continues and produces one good ball, which Azhar inside-edges into his pad. Pulling himself together, Azhar plays a classy guide for three. The camera finds Anderson. “He looks like someone about to be sung to on their birthday,” says my daughter, who has joined me on the sofa. “Pleased, but awkward.”
54th over: Pakistan 93-2 (Azhar Ali 25, Babar Azam 1) Regrettably, Anderson is not going to show us how to bowl spin. Joe Root brings himself on, round the wicket, and slips in a leg-break amid the gentle off-spin. Babar gets off the mark with a flick to square leg.
“Thank you to Iain Noble for the correction [35th over],” says Robin Hazlehurst, “but, er, nope. Tochki are points as in ... or like polka dots, but in the score for games it is ochki without a T. Comes from ochko which means bullseye in darts or archery, also used for a nutmeg in football or 21 in pontoon. Points can also be ‘ballov’ but it might be confusing to say that the batsman just scored four balls.” It might indeed. This is all Greek to me.
53rd over: Pakistan 92-2 (Azhar Ali 25, Babar Azam 0) Meanwhile old man Azhar just keeps rolling along. He’s now faced 354 balls in this match without being dismissed once.
Back to spin!
The umpires seem to be saying that the light is too bad for fast bowling. In which case, Anderson should just bowl some slow leg-cutters.
52nd over: Pakistan 90-2 (Azhar Ali 23, Babar Azam 0) Back to Anderson, who lets Azhar have a single off his legs, possibly on purpose, so he can have a go at the new batsman. The all-seeing Michael Gough has got the light meter out, and the groundstaff are getting the covers ready. Noooo....
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51st over: Pakistan 89-2 (Azhar Ali 22, Babar Azam 0) Breaking news: Bess is off! Back comes Jofra Archer, bowling bouncers from round the wicket with a catcher on the leg side, almost as if he thinks he’s Stuart Broad. There’s nobody at first slip, but then, it’s not easy keeping the runs down when you’re 220 ahead and your opponents are racing along at 1.8 an over.
50th over: Pakistan 88-2 (Azhar Ali 21, Babar Azam 0) The man is a phenomenon. If he gets the 600th wicket in the next 13 deliveries, he will have done it quicker, in terms of balls, than anyone else. He is already, as you know, the most prolific seamer of all time.
Wicket!! Abid Ali lbw b Anderson 42 (Pakistan 88-2)
Umpire’s call! And that is Test wicket no. 599 for Anderson. The end of a fine rearguard from Abid Ali, who faced 162 balls and hit only two of them for four.
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Wicket!? Abid Ali given lbw b Anderson
Given by Michael Gough, so it may well be out, but it is a bit leg-stump-ish...
49th over: Pakistan 87-1 (Abid Ali 42, Azhar Ali 20) Bess continues, even though he is making nothing happen and there’s some reverse for the seamers. I feel like Michael Spicer in The Room Next Door.
48th over: Pakistan 87-1 (Abid Ali 42, Azhar Ali 20) There is a change at the other end, as Broad gives way to his old mate Anderson. Can he make something happen? He hasn’t taken a wicket in the second innings this summer, which means another five-for is just around the corner. He finds some movement right away, beating the outside edge, but Azhar gathers himself and punches into the covers for a couple.
47th over: Pakistan 85-1 (Abid Ali 42, Azhar Ali 18) A pause, a drink, a chance to come up with something different – and Joe Root decides the answer is to have an 11th successive over from Dom Bess. It goes for one run. If there was a crowd in, they might be tempted by the slow handclap.
46th over: Pakistan 84-1 (Abid Ali 42, Azhar Ali 17) Paging Brendan Large! Broad bowls not one yorker but two, one from over the wicket, the other from round. “Didn’t quite get the length right,” says Michael Holding, which is a bit like having Picasso commenting on your painting. Then out of nowhere Broad swings the ball in, possibly a sign of reverse swing. “Broad’s got something happening,” says Ian Ward. Thank God someone has. And that’s drinks, with Pakistan winning the last hour, in a quiet way. England have taken one wicket in 46 overs and shown little urgency. Do they not know how bad the forecast is?
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45th over: Pakistan 84-1 (Abid Ali 42, Azhar Ali 17) Bess appeals for LBW against Abid, but there’s a thick inside edge. Azhar square-drives for a couple. Come on Joe, time to take Bess off and get Anderson back on. He does have a bit of an incentive.
“It would be fantastic if Jimmy got his 600th wicket this Test,” says Nigel Phillips. “It would also have been great if I had seen a single one of them on TV. I couldn’t pick him from a line-out, I am only 90% sure he’s a right-hander.” He’s not when he bats, though perhaps he should be.
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44th over: Pakistan 80-1 (Abid Ali 41, Azhar Ali 14) Broad gets a talking-to from the great Michael Gough. My guess is that he’s saying “Aren’t you a bit elderly to be an enforcer?” And then, right on cue, Broad bowls a yorker. Abid digs it out comfortably enough but still, Brendan Large, you have made your mark on the game.
43rd over: Pakistan 80-1 (Abid Ali 41, Azhar Ali 14) Another helping of bread and butter from Bess. It’s mystifying that Jack Leach hasn’t even made the XIV for one Test this summer.
“Hey Tim,” says Brendan Large, “what’s the reason that Test cricket teams don’t use more yorkers? I understand they are more difficult in terms of effort but couldn’t the express bowlers like Archer and Wood mix them a bit more with the short stuff? Or is it too easy for top-class batsmen?” That’s a great question. The yorker was good enough for Michael Holding.
42nd over: Pakistan 79-1 (Abid Ali 40, Azhar Ali 14) After failing to ruffle Abid, Broad feels his senior citizen’s version of Bodyline may yet work on Azhar. He thinks he’s got him, poisoned down the leg side, but Michael Gough says no and Joe Root knows a review would be wasted. Sure enough, the reply shows the ball flicking Azhar’s shirt.
41st over: Pakistan 79-1 (Abid Ali 40, Azhar Ali 14) Bess goes back to being Mr Uneventful, stringing together some dots before Azhar takes a quick single off a thick edge to point.
“Fascinated to follow the Russian cricket terminology,” says Brian Withington. “Wondering whether an opposition batsman caught behind leg glancing would be referred to as ‘poisoned’ rather than ‘strangled’?” Heh heh.
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40th over: Pakistan 78-1 (Abid Ali 40, Azhar Ali 13) Joe Root gets the message and summons Stuart Broad, but he too gets tickled to fine leg for four. He’s coming round the wicket, with a leg slip and a short square leg, looking to bomb Abid and his sore finger. Abid sees this cunning plan and says, “I’ll just get out the way”. By the time he bowls the sixth ball, Broad has gone back over the wicket.
39th over: Pakistan 74-1 (Abid Ali 36, Azhar Ali 13) Abid decides it’s time for a sweep and paddles Bess fine for three. Azhar then gets four in the same direction with a nice little tickle. Come on Joe, make something happen.
38th over: Pakistan 67-1 (Abid Ali 33, Azhar Ali 9) Azhar, facing Woakes, plays the shot of the session, a gentle push past mid-on that’s so well timed, it goes for four.
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37th over: Pakistan 62-1 (Abid Ali 32, Azhar Ali 5) Bess keeps plugging away and gets a moral victory as Abid edges another arm ball, but it’s wide of slip and brings only a single.
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36th over: Pakistan 61-1 (Abid Ali 31, Azhar Ali 5) If you had to back an England bowler to get a top-order batsman top-edging a bouncer over the slips, that bowler would surely be Archer, but it’s just happened to Azhar and the man responsible was Woakes. What a trouper he is.
35th over: Pakistan 59-1 (Abid Ali 31, Azhar Ali 3) Bess has an appeal for caught at short leg as Abid plays outside a bouncy off break, but it was off the thigh pad, and miles from the bat.
Back to Russian. “I think ‘ochki’ (очки) as suggested by Robin Haslehurst as runs or points is wrong,” says Iain Noble. “The Russian word for points is tochki (точки). The word ‘ochki’ also means a pair (of spectacles) so that is the likelier meaning.” Then he adds: “Arthur Ransome, former foreign correspondent of this great organ, married Trotsky’s secretary.” Random but riveting.
34th over: Pakistan 59-1 (Abid Ali 31, Azhar Ali 3) Off goes Jofra as Root sticks to his new policy of giving him short spells. That one was four overs, which only went for three runs. On comes Chris Woakes, Cinderella finally making it to the ball. He goes past Azhar’s outside edge with a beauty.
33rd over: Pakistan 59-1 (Abid Ali 31, Azhar Ali 3) Azhar takes a comfy single. Bess bowls a few more nothing balls, and then he gets it right, going wider to Abid and beating him with the one that goes on with the arm. That’s Besser.
32nd over: Pakistan 58-1 (Abid Ali 31, Azhar Ali 2) The ball has gone soft and the game has gone quiet. If there were any spectators in, they’d be nodding off. Another maiden from Archer and that’s drinks, after 14 of the allotted 52 overs. Pakistan are showing some grit; England, while still well on top, are not making things happen fast enough.
31st over: Pakistan 58-1 (Abid Ali 31, Azhar Ali 2) Abid pushes for two and flicks for a single. Bess is bowling too straight, the commentators reckon, and Joe Root seems to be saying the same thing with a signal from slip. If Root gets really irritated, he can always turn to his other off-spinner – himself.
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30th over: Pakistan 55-1 (Abid Ali 28, Azhar Ali 2) Jofra is mostly into his steady mode, bowling 88mph in the channel. Azhar, watchful, is leaving or blocking. The over ends with a snorter, touching 91mph, but Azhar is equal to it and jags his head out of the way.
29th over: Pakistan 55-1 (Abid Ali 28, Azhar Ali 2) A maiden from Bess, who’s made a decent start without threatening at all. Story of his Test career so far.
28th over: Pakistan 55-1 (Abid Ali 28, Azhar Ali 2) Sore finger or not, Abid keeps Archer out and dabs a single to fine leg. Azhar gets off the mark with a tuck for two; maybe his eye is still in from last night.
“Afternoon, Tim,” says Phil Sawyer, picking up on my remark about the number of overs in this session (15:45). “52 is obviously also redolent of the controversial ‘New 52’ continuity introduced by DC comics several years ago to try to attract a new readership after decades of often bewilderingly complex plotlines and crossover events. Why yes, I’ve been single for quite a while now. Why do you ask?”
27th over: Pakistan 52-1 (Abid Ali 27, Azhar Ali 0) It’s a double change as Anderson gives way to Dom Bess. The milestone-hunters may have to wait for another hour or so. I suspect Azhar is quite pleased to see some slow stuff so early in his innings. And Chris Woakes mildly displeased.
26th over: Pakistan 51-1 (Abid Ali 26, Azhar Ali 0) Broad goes off the field, presumably to check his bowling average for the summer (13.13). On comes Jofra Archer, whose average is rather different – 43.75. He deserves better, and begins with a maiden to Azhar, moving through the gears from 84mph to 88.
25th over: Pakistan 51-1 (Abid Ali 26, Azhar Ali 0) With one opener gone and the other one bruised, Anderson tries to turn the screw by bringing in a leg slip for Abid Ali, but he stands firm and pushes into the covers for two.
24th over: Pakistan 49-1 (Abid Ali 24, Azhar Ali 0) So Azhar Ali comes out to bat for the third time in this match – he sent himself out to open last night, but wasn’t required and was able to change his tune this morning. Also, Pakistan maintain their long-standing policy of not having an opening partnership of 50 in England. The last was in 1996, apparently.
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Wicket! Masood lbw b Broad 18 (Pakistan 49-1)
It was umpire’s call, so Shan Masood was a little unlucky – but he did play no stroke to a ball that was either brushing off stump or missing it by a millimetre. That’s yet another wicket for Broad, his 29th in five Tests since being left out.
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Wicket? Masood given lbw b Broad 18
He’s reviewing, but he played no stroke and it just brushed his pad, slap in front of off...
23rd over: Pakistan 49-0 (Shan Masood 18, Abid Ali 24) Abid picks up a couple with a thick inside edge off Anderson. “He’s definitely looking more confident as an opener now,” says Wasim Akram, not totally convincingly. The curse of the commentator strikes instantly as Abid is rapped on the glove, fending a lifter off his ribs. He is holding his finger as if it’s broken. The physio trots out to administer a cloud of spray, and Abid resumes with a play-and-miss.
22nd over: Pakistan 47-0 (Shan Masood 18, Abid Ali 22) Broad cranks up the accelerator to 84 now, and he beats Masood with a David Warner special – angled in, swinging away. Masood fights back with a straight drive, the first four of this monster session.
21st over: Pakistan 43-0 (Shan Masood 14, Abid Ali 22) Masood takes a single off his pads. When he makes it to 14 against Anderson, he usually gets to 140. There’s another appeal against Abid Ali, for caught behind, but again it’s a bit token and when it’s turned down, England don’t review.
Here’s Richard Morris. “While I would normally hesitate to fence with Mr Forth on stats, I think he’s forgotten that three of this England XI’s highest scores were Not Out (Sibley, Pope and Woakes) which I think makes the team average high score actually a shade over 193. Drop Archer for Stokes in the next Test (I know, I know) and the average moves to a world-beating 222.” Ha. I had a thought about Ian Forth’s stat, too: didn’t England have three 250 men at once in the last days of Alastair Cook – him, Root and Stokes?
20th over: Pakistan 42-0 (Shan Masood 13, Abid Ali 22) You’ll never guess who’s bowling at the other end. Yes, it’s Stuart Broad, who, for once, looks like the veteran he is, running in with knees not pumping at all and dishing up military medium, 79-82mph. Abid Ali plays out another maiden.
19th over: Pakistan 42-0 (Shan Masood 13, Abid Ali 22) Anderson has five men saving the single and only three close catchers, which is absurd – although he may have decided that the catchers won’t catch the ball anyway. That’s a maiden to Abid Ali, with nothing happening bar a half-hearted shout for LBW off the last ball.
Yes, it’s Jimmy. In case you’re just back from the Antarctic, he needs two more wickets for 600 in Tests.
The England players go into their huddle at the start of what could be a 52-over session. This is a ridiculous length, but at least it’s a satisfying number, redolent of weeks in the year or cards in the pack. Also, the number of Tests played by Don Bradman.
Something tells me Joe Root is going to ask Jimmy Anderson to bowl. He’s turning his arm over on the outfield.
Play will start in just over five minutes, if the weather gods don’t get in the way again.
“Ed Bayling,” says Robin Hazlehurst, “needs to try his best Bond-villain accent when saying Kriz, and he will realise it is where the batsmen stands. Ochki are indeed glasses, but are also points in games, so it is used here for runs (also ‘rans’). A six is translated as ‘a six-point shot’. Not sure about the derivation of it, and it does sound beautifully like every batsman getting a pair, but it isn’t actually.” Single quotes, author’s own. Thanks Robin.
Afternoon everyone and thanks Daniel. He’s right, you know; playing top-level sport is nothing to the pressures of the OBO. It’s been socially distanced for decades. You don’t even set eyes on your partner. And while Jimmy Anderson may sometimes curse his slip fielders, at least he never has to go through a long email replacing double quotes with single ones.
“52 over session?!” exclaims an aghast Craig Fawcett. “Isn’t there something in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that prevents a cricketer from fielding for 52 overs (under Test conditions)?”
Fielding? Fielding?! Pah! These lads should try OBOing. On which seamless segue, that’s me done for the day – thanks so much for your company and comments, it’s been a belter. Sorry if I’ve not got to you, but please do get in touch with Tim de Lisle, who’ll guide you through the evening sesh.
“Apologies if I’m late to the party with this one,” says Paul Lakin, “but, Pete Salmon, I see your Cicero and raise you Peter Cook: ‘I met a man at a party. He said ‘I’m writing a novel.’ I replied ‘Neither am I’.”
What does one do when one requires a third style of quotation mark?
“If it’s any help,” offers Ed Bayling, “my basic Duolingo Russian leads me to deduce that the footnotes in Christopher Edge’s book are mostly explanations of the basics: ‘Batsman’, ‘Bowler’, ‘Century’, ‘Runs’ (which appears to translate as ‘glasses’), ‘Pitch’ and one that looks like ‘kriz’, which I’m stuck on. Perhaps someone cleverer than me could assist?”
пожалуйста.
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“Murder Must Advertise by Dorothy L Sayers sees the story climax at a cricket game where Lord Peter Wimsey’s ability as a batsman moves the plot along nicely,” reckons Richard Jansz-Moore. “Also AA Thomson’s Exquisite Burden has a great chapter on a cricket match. Sadly that one appears to be out of print and I only read it as my grandparents had a copy. Well worth a read though if anyone can find a copy.”
I’m trying so hard not to make sport of Ian McEwan’s 613-page squash match, but you all keep baiting me.
“Australia’s team for the first Test of the 2005 series had an average highest score of 197,” says the multitalented Steve Hudson. “I can’t imagine that would ever have been bettered.” I wondered about them because Gillespie has a test 200 and Warne and Lee could also bat, but I thought McGrath might’ve hampered them. Might they have had a higher average for Edgbaston?
“So, WG Grace had a high-pitched, slightly comical West Country accent?” asks Steve Hudson. “In the biopic, wouldn’t Pam Ayres be perfect?”
Good news! Play will resume at 3.45pm BST
Tea has already been taken, so we’ll have 52 overs from then, and can go till 7.30 to get them in if weather and light permit.
“If there are no spectators hence no ticket sales, and if one day of the Test is rained off, why not just add another day to compensate and avoid draws through bad weather?” asks Hugh Paterson. “TV channels would be happy.”
I’m not sure they would, given they’ll have scheduled stuff for Wednesday, but the Test championship mitigates against jiggery-pokery of that sort because all matches need to be played under identical conditions. Also, we’ve accepted that the weather is part of cricket, and couldn’t add time on in the middle of a match because then England would’ve batted longer except they didn’t know to.
“A Season In Sinji,’ says Andrew Burton, “written in 1967 by JL Carr, has lashings of cricket plus a Second World War setting, proper characters (a hissable villain who turns out to be just another damaged human being) and a sequence of gradually devastating emotional payoffs. Highly recommended.”
Not to be confused with JD Carr, the Fawad Alam of his dad.
“Rider Sandman, the hero of Bernard Cornwell’s book ‘Gallows Thief’, is a professional cricketer,” offers Ian Andrew.
And if I am my father’s son, I am right in saying that Pelham Grenville Wodehouse was a decent left-arm spinner.
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“I’ve been engaged in a little stat guru fossicking today,” overshares Ian Forth. “Two points emerged from this rabbit holing: next time England take the field they will likely have Crawley, Root and Stokes in the team, three men who have Test high-scores of 250+. This has only happened twice before: Barrington, Edrich and Graveney in 1965-68 and Hutton, May and Compton in 1954-55. And as if that were not enough of a statsgasm, this Test could have England fielding a side with its members boasting the highest-ever average Test high-score (i.e. add up all their test high scores and divide by 11), that figure being 158.55. I’m happy to be disproved on the second stat, there’s always scope to learn and improve in this life.
I fear that final line is contrary to the spirit of the OBO, but otherwise, this is majestic work. On the second point, given Broad and Woakes have Test tons and Bess has a Test 50, you might be right.
“On the topic of the Americans not doing cricket,” says Christopher Edge, “this was proved true when my children’s novel, The Black Crow Conspiracy, which featured a chapter set against the backdrop of a 1902 Authors v Artists cricket match at Lords with Arthur Conan Doyle on the cusp of a century, was brought out in an American edition. I found all references to fielding positions such as silly mid-off had been summarily changed to ‘the outfield’! The same book has just been published in Russian too and although I can’t read the language I note this same chapter features the most footnotes! It seems cricket in fiction just doesn’t translate to some countries...”
Chin up, keep at it, and other words of ignoramus’ advice That is sensational!
“Just reading the back and forth about books leads me to a pet subject,” muses Kim Thonger. “Different outcomes to cricket matches in parallel but slightly different universes. Imagine one close by where Jimmy’s four dropped catches in 30-something deliveries had all been snaffled instead and he’s already on 601 and thinking happily about the next 99 to take him to 700. We could make a screenplay to be filmed by Christopher Nolan in his inimitable unfathomable style, with Colin Farrell as Jimmy. To improve box office receipts I suggest we involve Brad Pitt somehow, possibly as a grizzled third umpire with maverick tendencies.”
I can only countenance Michael Gough as himself, but would permit Pitt as a bungling but strangely lovable text commentator.
“Please tell Max Millings not to lament, as we’ve been living his memoirs via the OBO for fifteen years or more,” says Brad McMillan. “Therefore, even while remaining ‘unpublished’, he’s already reached his audience and, sadly, missed out on the royalties. I’ve enjoyed the the experience though, so please also send him my thanks.”
What greater royalties could there be than those?
“I don’t think Brian Blessed would do at all,” says Ben Mallalieu. “WG had by all accounts a slightly comical high-pitched voice, a bit like David Beckham. I have often wondered if there is a correlation between high-pitched voices and sporting prowess. Any thoughts?”
I’ve always enjoyed how Jos Buttler’s voice is the precise opposite of Jos Buttler’s batting.
“Re: C. Aubrey Smith’s Hollywood Cricket Club,” says Richard Farmer. “Did you know that Boris Karloff was the first player to score a century for the HCC.”
Of Boris Karloffdrive, as they called him. I did not, but that is incredible, thanks.
It’s looking much drier now, so I’d hope for a start not that long after three – assuming it doesn’t rain again, which it doesn’t look like it’s going to.
There'll now be an inspection at 3pm
Hopefully we’ll get a start sometime after that.
“Since someone mentioned the era,” emails Roger Higgs, “I was reading about Conan Doyle, who was a keen sportsman (in addition to doctor, campaigner for justice, spiritualist etc!) and played some first class cricket. His batting average was not too bad but he only claimed one wicket as a bowler - WG Grace!”
Similarly, I’ve only failed to identify one Oscar-winning screenwriter as an OBOer - Simon Beaufoy!
“It’s true that the American moneybags, Daddy Warbucks types, rarely fund anything without a Stateside slant,” says James Debens. “My feature-length musical remake of The Odd Couple, with former cricket stars David Boon and Fast Eddie Hemmings in the lead roles, has yet to be picked up by anyone but the Italian broadcasters Raiuno. And even they insist that Monica Bellucci plays the lightly sweating third umpire. It’s not enough that Hamfatter, Scouting For Girls and Deep Blue Something have agreed to pen original cricket-themed songs or that Pete Waterman will pack up his train set and let us turn his back garden into Lord’s. (Rod Stewart backed out when we wouldn’t cast Gavin Hamilton).”
Surely Fast Eddie is already playing himself in the Hustler (of not-so-quick singles).
In theory, there’ll be a pitch inspection in a couple of minutes.
“Hang on! Why has no-one made a biopic about C Aubrey ‘Round the Corner’ Smith?” wonders Richard O’Hagan. “Surely that would tick both the ‘cricket’ and ‘Hollywood’ boxes?”
The bit where he imports English grass in the process of founding the Hollywood Cricket Club would be the perfect end of Act I.
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“The quest for great unwritten novels reminds me (tangentially) of the game where you rewrite the opening of famous plays to polish them off quickly,” says Brian Withington. “For example Terrence Rattigan’s ‘The Winslow Boy’ is stopped in its tracks when young Ronnie cheerfully confides that he’s just got back from nicking a postal order. Inevitably the game ends with the stage direction ‘Enter Godot’, thereby sparing us an evening of Beckettesque whimsy.”
Anything that knocks Winslow on the head is to be commended.
“On the ubiquity of novel writing,” emails Pete Salmon, “my go-to quote is always Cicero, some time before 43 BC: ‘Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.’”
Children once obeyed their parents? What a world.
Thanks to everyone who sent in the overseas link.
“I did enjoy your suggestion that Simon Beaufoy (16th over) just needs to hang on in there,” says Charlie Wilson, inciting me to swallow my nethers. It’d seem to me that he’s not done too badly so far… A little Oscar nomination for the Full Monty probably helped. The Larwood film sounds great, but I really want to see the adaptation of the Raw Shark Texts he’s apparently worked on. The key question is - who will play Ian?
Simon’s dad taught me English - an inspirational teacher whose quotations I still produce several times per day. If I ever write my great unwritten screenplay it’ll be down to him.”
UNBREAKING NEWS: I am a moron! But what wisdom from me!
Jonathan Griggs would like the overseas TMS link if anyone can oblige. In the meantime, if you go to the match page on the BBC site and click on “Natural Sounds”, that should also do the trick.
Here’s Andrew Thomas: “I remember my first news editor saying to me: ‘The thing I like about you, Andrew, is that you’re the only journalist I know who isn’t writing a goddamned novel.’”
I’ve spent the last 10 minutes fruitlessly searching for the bit where Roger Sterling says something like every copywriter has the first 10 chapters of a novel hidden away in his desk drawer, so you’ll have to make do with this.
“Now that you’re on to cricket fiction, you’re talking my language,” says Ben Mimmack. “I had an idea for a series of mystery short stories based around a cricket club. I wrote the first one and realised it had far too much cricket and not enough mystery. I tried rewriting it to take out some of cricket but they were the passages I liked the most, so I left it. I made my wife read it though, just so it wasn’t condemned to die with just a solitary reader. She liked everything except the cricket bits.
On real cricket fiction, Netherland is good, as is The Chinaman and Phoenix from the Ashes by Mike Brearley isn’t fiction, but might as well be.”
Yeah, the less sport the better. It needs the feel of the sport and the actual sport needs to be authentic, but the meat of things needs to be the story, along with the character stuff that makes people feel things.
It’s sunny outside and the groundstaff are sweeping away.
“I’ve noticed that Anderson and Broad wear 8 and 9 on their backs and Root has 66,” says Jon Keable. “OK, I appreciate that Anderson and Broad have been playing longer and probably have lower numbers because of that but what has happened to all the numbers in between and why do the players keep their numbers and they don’t revert to one to eleven (12th man) at the start of each new game? How do the number get allocated?”
The players get to choose. Root has 66 as part of a hilarious joke, and I guess they keep the numbers so that they always have the same one, maybe for their comfort, maybe for the selling of, er, merch.
Inspection at 2.20pm BST
So yes, we’re not close to cricket. But once we get back on, we might be back on for the day.
“I really don’t think we’ll yachna,” says Adrian Goldman, |as we can’t all be old Jewish women (or are you implying something about the readers of your OBO?), but we’ll certainly kvetch about your use of Yiddish.”
As I understand it, yachne is a noun – the women to whom you refer – but in my experience, it is also a verb, meaning to talk lots, generally about issues which do not directly pertain to Torah and godliness.
“Some time today, presumably Jimmy will bowl the ball that gives him his 600th test wicket,” says Chris East. “But as your colleague Jonathan Liew points out, he will also have bowled 33,000+ balls with no result. Dunno what this proves except that life ain’t always a bowl of cherries! (His teammates dropping everything isn’t helping!)“
Yes, that’s sport and also that’s life. Footballers take lots of shots that aren’t goals, tennis players hit lots of groundstrokes that aren’t winners, fighters flick a lot of jabs that aren’t knockout punches, writers delete a lot of words that are too hamfistedly offensive to publish.
I think it’s stopped raining and the clean-up is underway, but there’s no indication of an inspection, never mind a restart time.
“Can I offer What I Love About Cricket by Sandy Balfour?” asks Mike Barron. “Not about a game or tour, but a beautifully written observation of the effect cricket has on us who love it – and the lengths we go to, to convince others…”
Similarly, I’ll hard recommend the great Rob Smyth’s Gentlemen and Sledgers.
Should anyone fancy, I went on Jarrod Kimber’s podcast to chat about love, lost love, and the 2005 Ashes. Please do not take offence at my lockdown barnet.
Updated
It’s brightened up in Southampton, but there’s an absolute load of surface water on covers and pitch. I don’t think we’re getting any play for at least an hour or so.
“A story I have always thought worthy of film is that of Frank Worrell’s appointment to the West Indies captaincy,” says Tom Booth. “Political machinations, various heroes, villains and fall-guys, a subject-matter that remains relevant, and a bittersweet ending. The (very good) cricket itself is just a backdrop. Feels like a good subject for the BLM era too. It might even play in America.”
I’d buy a ticket (and write a script).
Yup, no sign of movement. In the meantime, email. “Biffy Clyro?” asks, er, Matthew Kilsby. “If my namesake continues to sully my good name with preposterous praise for Biffy Clyro then he will be recieving a cease and desist letter from my people. In the words of Muhammad Ali: ‘Now Kilsby, I’ve had enough, stop it’.”
Nipping out to buy some grout, I heard Aggers utters the dreaded “filled in” when describing the weather. I fear we may not recommence in seven minutes’ time.
Lunch has been taken, starting at 12.30
It’s teeming down, so I’d not be confident of a 1.10 restart, but I’ll be back just before then and we’ll yachne until such time as play begins, at which point we’ll yachne some more.
“I have always thought that cricket during the Victorian era would make for an excellent Downton Abbey-esque serial,” says Richard O’Hagan. “The only problem is that some idiot would insist upon casting Brian Blessed as an elderly WG.”
These days you could just go into the street and grab any old bloke.
“The greatest unwritten novel ever?” says Paul Griffin. “Look no further than my masterpiece: ‘I might have another biscuit in a short while, unless death strikes.’ Unpickupable. Re Jimmy, this is a wonderful piece on his action, his personality, and Burnley. Who knows, he may become ennobled if he continues to take wickets at this rate and bombastically supports idiotic retrograde nationalist policies with bovine stupidity.”
It might also help if a floundering Prime Minister considers him an avatar of their misunderstood but infallibly British values and very own self.
“I expect you regret asking for bands now – your inbox will be a flood of Spotify and Youtube links,” says Matthew Kilsby. “BUT: Biffy Clyro are consistently amazing, here’s one of their new ones. For fans of outrageously Scottish accents, fun time signatures, heavy riffs, good melodies, great harmonies, long sweaty hair etc etc.”
I sort of look at them as the Scottish Phish – there can’t be many bands out there who inspire the kind of loyalty they have.
“I’m pretty certain I have at least three of the greatest unwritten novels in my head,” says Matt Dony. “Filed under ‘More things I didn’t achieve during lockdown.’ On top of the piano, next to the running shoes. Maybe next time we have a catastrophic pandemic, eh?”
It’s a date. Anyone wanna buy some yeast?
“Hard to get film funding without Americans?” tweets Tom Crawford. “Do what the Americans do, play with the dates and the facts and shoehorn the brilliant Bart King into the picture! (get Matthew McConaughey to play him).”
Done and done.
Rain and bad light stop play
It’s been a very decent morning for Pakistan, and I wonder if this is also lunch. In the meantime, we’ll do some emails.
Updated
18th over: Pakistan 41-0 (Shan 13, Abid 21) I daresay it won’t be long yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah) before we see Dombess, whose nickname is, I trust, Arena. One off Woakes’ over, Abid nudging into the on side, and the umpires are about to look at the light.
17th over: Pakistan 40-0 (Shan 13, Abid 21) After two singles from four balls, Archer goes around to the left-handed Shan. The ball’s doing very little, and it seems clear now that England will have to ruckus extremely hard for these 10 wickets. Six sessions is still a long time to bat, but if the weather taxes a couple, a draw looks very doable.
“My son (now 23) used to play youth cricket for his village,” says Edward Collier, bowling tricky and successful leg breaks. However, he had a very weird action, which meant he wasn’t looking at the batsman at the point of delivery. I took him to a bigger local club to see if he could get some coaching and with a view to joining them, but the head coach said that unless he changed his action they weren’t interested. Sadly, he lost interest after that and no longer plays (though I take him to Lord’s to watch, or at least I used to ...)”
This reminds me of a yarn I once watched Noel Gallagher recount, about a guitar teacher who wouldn’t let him play left-handed because he’s right-handed. “So, if you’re watching,” he said, “d’ya wanna borrow a tenner?”
16th over: Pakistan 38-0 (Shan 12, Abid 20) Woakes raps Abid on the pad, who misses with his flick; there’s an appeal, but that was going down. Next ball, Abid gets it right, turning two to midwicket, and suddenly it’s looking extremely gloomy out there.
“As you ask,” emails Simon Beaufoy, “on a day where fast bowlers are being celebrated, Lee Hall (Billy Elliot etc) and I have written a film script about Harold Larwood. Of course Bodyline, but more extraordinarily, what happened AFTER Bodyline. His principled and absolute refusal to take the rap, his excommunication from the England team, his years in the wilderness running a sweet shop in Blackpool for goodness sake (can you see Jimmy measuring out Pear Drops on retirement?) and his ultimate rescue by - inevitably and beautifully - the very Australians he’d been knocking out cold with his bowling, who were so appalled by his treatment that they organised his passage to Australia, a house and a job.
Hard to raise finance on cricket films as the Americans …. just don’t do cricket. It’s a cracking story, though, and like so much sport it’s as much about class conflict as cricket. The film may never see the light of day, but it’s all beautifully told in Duncan Hamilton’s book, which I’m sure you know.”
That sounds great, but yes, it’s hard to get funding from the US when pitching something not US-focused. Hang in there though, you only need one person to say yes.
15th over: Pakistan 36-0 (Shan 12, Abid 18) Shan tucks Archer away to square leg for two, the only runs from the over.
“We definitely need a fictionalised account of Viv Richards at home,” says Pete Salmon, whose biography of Jacques Derrida is out in October; I’ve got a semiotic etc etc. “Do you think he still has the same swagger when doing his laundry or doing the recycling? Of course to be a proper show there would need to be a journey. Viv at 12, skinny and frightened, being hit again and again in the nets, before a wise old Antiguan hands him a stick of gum and says, ‘Bite down on this son, it helps ... at least, it helped me.’ Cut to him watching Viv flay England in 76. See? I told you! See? The rest writes itself.”
I actually wrote about Viv’s swagger – and MS Dhoni’s – in Joy of Six: cool sports stars. I am certain it is omnipresent.
14th over: Pakistan 34-0 (Shan 10, Abid 18) Woakes has been much better this morning, flowing through another maiden. If England can staunch the scoring, they’ll feel like a wicket is on the cards. Drinks.
“Further to Ben Dorning’s email,” says James Taylor, “may I suggest the excellent Netherland, by Joseph O’Neill, about the life of a Dutchman living in New York in the wake of the September 11 attacks who takes up cricket and starts playing at the Staten Island Cricket Club, which is populated by immigrants from the Caribbean and Southern Asia? A truly excellent read, and a lovely introduction to the reasons why cricket is such a wonderful game.”
13th over: Pakistan 34-0 (Shan 10, Abid 18) Two dots from Archer, then he moves one into Shan and clumps him on the thigh; there’s an appeal, the loudest of the morning so far, but also a definite edge. Maiden.
“There’s a marvellous anecdote about that Geoff Arnold over in the Tony Greig autobiography,” tweets David Pearce. “He dropped one of those catches and Jon Snow the other two. Captain Ray Illingworth went ballistic in the tea interval. He then missed a sitter himself in the gully and went on TV afterwards, saying that it was one of the worst grounds for seeing the ball that he’d ever played on!”
Of course it was. Did he also happen to drop in that he was from Yorkshire?
Updated
12th over: Pakistan 34-0 (Shan 10, Abid 18) England are bowling a little fuller now, and looking more like taking wickets. two singles from the over.
“I think that if you want more people to watch cricket and be engaged in it then you have to forego some money and instead put it on free-to-air TV. Let it run in the background of everyday life. One of Australia’s better tag lines is about cricket being the sound of the summer.”
Yes, I agree - ideally cricket would be free. But we do also need to recognise what’s been done with it on a dedicated sport/cricket channel. I’m not sure what the answer is, nor what’s possible, but Ali Martin has written in these pages about making the Lord’s Test available to all, and that seems fair to me.
11th over: Pakistan 32-0 (Shan 9, Abid 17) Archer replaces Anderson, while in commentary, Strauss says he’s enjoyed watching Archer in this Test but that he shouldn’t think he needs to go short all the time. I agree - the short stuff, though it’s an occasional tactic, generally works best as a surprise. It’s amazing how often we stray from the truism that if you bowl full and straight, you get wickets. Maiden.
“The same comment about coaching was made by Zak Crawley yesterday,” says Richard O’Hagan. “Apparently he became much more successful when he stopped listening to coaches who were trying to introduce a trigger movement to his game.
Anyway, after bowling five overs of pure filth yesterday, my view is that looking at the batsman is overrated as it simply gives you advance warning of where you are being tonked to next.”
The lost art of sitting down and shutting up.
10th over: Pakistan 32-0 (Shan 9, Abid 17) Woakes replaces Broad; he was not good yesterday, so will want to resolve that. I should add that in Broad’s final over, he requested the obligatory ball-check, which revealed ... nothing amiss. Anyhow, Abid gets on his tippy-toes to drive two towards point, then Woakes clatters him on the pad – there’s a strangulated appeal but even Root refuses the review – before a full swinger screeches past the outside edge. That’s much better from Woakes.
“My own unpenned memoir, Just Millings About, is the greatest ever unwritten book,’ says Mac Millings. “I’d love to send you a copy to prove it but, well y’know.”
Mine is called Harris Meant.
9th over: Pakistan 30-0 (Shan 9, Abid 15) Ollie Pope has a sore left shoulder and there are no plans for him to return, but they’ll check him over at lunch. A two and a three from the over, both to Abid, which is to say that Pakistan are going well.
“One more required and Jimmy will have a unique kind of fivefer,” says Alex Fleetwood. “Any ideas what the record is for dropped catches off a single bowler in an innings?”
I just came by this, which doesn’t give us the answer but does give some context:
“The data turns up four batsmen who have been dropped five times in an innings: one was Andy Blignaut, whose 84 not out at Harare 2005 included an extremely rare hat-trick of dropped catches, Zaheer Khan the unhappy bowler. (There was also a hat-trick of missed chances at Old Trafford in 1972, Geoff Arnold bowling to two batsmen.) The others missed five times are Hashim Amla (253 at Nagpur 2010), Taufeeq Umar (135 at St Kitts 2011) and Kane Williamson (242* at Wellington 2014). Nothing in this century quite matches the seven or eight missed catches (reports vary) off George Bonnor in making 87 in 1883, or six misses off Bill Ponsford in his 266 at The Oval in 1934. Wavell Hinds was dropped twice at the MCG in 2000, and still made a duck.”
Updated
8th over: Pakistan 25-0 (Shan 9, Abid 10) Four dots, then Broad squares Shan, who squirts him for four down to third man. But Shan does not appreciate his fortune, waving at the next delivery and doing well to see it pass the bat unmolested.
“With reference to your notion of a suitable period for a cricket film,” says Ben Dorning, “a few years ago I thought that the MCC tour of West Indies in 1934-35 was a potentially good story. So much so (and with it being unobscured by annoying things like recorded historical fact) that somewhere on my hard drive lurks a file entitled ‘cricnovel’ in which I attempted to fictionalise it into a novel. Dramatis Personae included Learie Constantine, George Headley, idiosyncratic captains Bob Wyatt and Jackie Grant, Les Ames and Wally Hammond and a mysterious venal illness he contracts, mostly told from the perspective of an invented reporter. I thought the resultant draft was quite noticeably bad! So I abandoned it. However, the film The Edge does suggest that you can tell a story about cricket without including a lot of match details that would bore/mystify the casual reader. Wonder if any other OBOers have ever tried to write fiction about cricket?”
I agree entirely. I’m actually rereading Beyond a Boundary at the moment, and the characters are so beautifully drawn. I also agree on the Edge – I’ve been lucky enough to make a couple of sports docs, and you’re trying to include as little actual sport as possible. More generally, there is not the slightest doubt that your first draft will be ungood because that is the nature of first drafts – making them good is what’s done afterwards, so don’t be despondent.
7th over: Pakistan 21-0 (Shan 5, Abid 10) After a few overs to get warm Anderson is into stride now, beating Abid with one that straightens, then enticing a drive but eluding the edge. Maiden.
On another matter but not on another matter given what we do here, this piece from OBO alumnus Russell Jackson, is an essential piece of reading.
The persecution of Robert Muir is a story the AFL world has never wanted to hear.
— Russell Jackson (@rustyjacko) August 22, 2020
Please open your hearts to this brave man - a victim of unimaginable cruelties. Please respect the courage that kept him alive.
And please call Robert Muir by his name. https://t.co/5jIrVIbfqu
6th over: Pakistan 21-0 (Shan 5, Abid 10) Four dots from Broad, then Abid turns three off the pads - the only runs of the over.
“An early setback Jimmy had to overcome (at a suitably early dramatic time in his career) was the attempt by various coaches to re-model his action,” says John Starbuck, “because he couldn’t actually see the batsman at the point of delivery. He made those people look very silly indeed.”
Yes he did. I’m actually in the middle of writing something about this in a footballing context, but sometimes the best coaching - or teaching, or parenting – is knowing to shut up and do nothing.
5th over: Pakistan 18-0 (Shan 5, Abid 7) Nasser notes that if Jimmy gets to 600 in 13.2 overs, he’ll have done so quicker than anyone else in terms of deliveries bowled. But ... IT’S ANOTHER DROP! That’s four in 37 deliveries! He slants one across Shan, who follows the ball because it magnetises his bat, and Buttler doesn’t only miss the catch but gets nowhere near it! It was a really hefty edge and it wobbled on him, but still – as these things go, that was a dolly. Jimmy absolutely loves it, as you would, protruding his tongue in rueful manner.
Updated
4th over: Pakistan 16-0 (Shan 3, Abid 7) Pakistan are looking to be positive, and Abid square-drives through point for two. He edges Broad’s next delivery, which dies in front of Burns at two, then compounds the bowler’s unfettered joy by twizzling him off the pads for four to midwicket.
“I can’t answer your question,” says Elliot Carr-Barnsley, “but I just wanted to share with you an absolute belter of an underrated Supergrass single, perfect for wistful reflection on how life has changed for the worse. So, an anthem for 2020.
Updated
3rd over: Pakistan 10-0 (Shan 3, Abid 6) Two singles, then Anderson persuades one to leave Abid, who’s beaten. Abid then flicks off the pads, they skank a quick single, and Bracey, on for Pope, shies with him well home, conceding four overthrows. Naturally, Jimmy slaps his thigh and soils his jockstrap at the sheer slapstick mirth of it all.
“The ‘thing’ that puts people off cricket,” writes Ian Copestake, “is that it is not understood and not deemed comprehensible in the time given us to live our lives on earth. Like a novel that Joseph Heller decided not to write, ‘Nothing Happens.’”
Is that the greatest unwritten novel ever? Have we invented a new genre of listicle?
2nd over: Pakistan 3-0 (Shan 2, Abid 0) It’s Stuart Broad from the other end, and thinking about what we were saying below, this match is boiling up into a platform for some vintage him. Rain today, rain tomorrow, Pakistan six wickets left with 30 overs remaining, and the knees get pumping. Anyway, Shan turns to deep square and Pope pursues, slides ... and sort of goes over on his shoulder. He gets up and looks to shamayim, eyes closed; I really hope that’s not a dislocated shoulder, but the signs suggest he’s got a problem. Athers references a childhood hero of his – and of mine – Bryan Robson, who seemed to be forever knacking one of his.
1st over: Pakistan 1-0 (Shan 0, Abid 0) A gentle looser after a hectic yesterday strays down leg, and they run a leg bye. Meanwhile, in commentary, Warne says that Glenn McGrath remembers every single one of his 563 Test wickets, which is a remarkable thing; Athers gets in there first, and chuckles that he’ll be featuring heavily. Maiden.
“Nothing can be more ‘cricket’ than spending a week, with the governing bodies and media, talking about the need to use more common sense to make up for lost time and delays.
So far in this test, we have seen players go off just before lunch. Restart play when lunch should be taking place, and then go off for lunch when the weather is much better.
Decline the opportunity to start at 10:30 because the weather MIGHT not have been as good, only for the weather to take a turn for the worse 5 minutes after play started, thus missing out on an extra half hour play. Oh, and then we lost another half hour at the end of the day because it got too dark.
And then we learnt our lessons from the previous day, by making assumptions on a weather forecast, meaning again, we have lost out on another half hour of play, plus whatever we are going to inevitably lose at about 10 past 11.
Stuff like this is what puts so many people off cricket. We’ve had an incredible summer of cricket, under the most ridiculous circumstances, with two great series, brilliant matches, captivating sessions, stunning achievements, and sub stories, and of course the ridiculous (I’m talking about you and your run out Stuart Broad). But instead, the archaic rules are holding the sport back.”
But is this the kind of thing that puts people off, or is it the kind of thing that irritates the likes of us? I’m not doubting that we can and must do better, but ultimately I think that people are put off Test cricket by the very nature of Test cricket, and because they’re not lucky enough to have someone help them love it.
Jimmy has the ball....
Here come the players. Azhar is not opening.
“Instead of ball tracking on every appeal,” returns Brendan Large, “which would not exactly help attract new viewers to a game that is already slow paced ... could we not just agree that Michael Gough should umpire all tests?”
The problem is that we also need Michael Gough as third umpire. Otherwise, I’m not sure whether we need to do anything about the pace of the game because I’m not sure whether Test cricket needs to change. People love it for what it is, and we need to encourage people to appreciate that, not alter what that is.
I guess one might wonder if we know enough about the below from the various docs, but what you get with a scripted piece is access to people’s internal and private world. There’s no footage, say, of Viv Richard at home or hanging out with his mates; a fictionalised account gives the writer scope to do something with that. Essentially, it’s possible to show things that may not be fact but that are true.
“I’ve enjoyed your OBO coverage this summer,” says Tom van der Gucht, “and was engaged by your preamble regarding the linking of sport and life this morning reminding me of your article about the intertwined period of the Ashes and your own turbulent life experiences in 2005 - something that ought to be dramatised on the BBC in a similar fashion to My Summer With Des starring Neil Morrisery and Rachel Weiz, if you saw it. Not that I’m saying you should be played by Tony from Men Behaving Badly...
I had a quick look on your bio and saw you are working on a film about Eubank and Benn and it got me wondering what cricketing period would be ripe for a film adaptation. I remember reading that David Peace was working on a book about Boycott’s fall-out with the Yorkshire committee in a similar vein to his Damned United fictionalised account of LUFC, but I don’t think that has materialised yet.
Ah, so much. Bodyline, the D’Oliveira affair racism, the Packer era, the Fire in Babylon era, the life and times of Ian Terence Botham, India 1983, and I could go on.
“From the preamble on James Anderson,” says James Byrne, “600 wickets and 29 fifers: ‘We will never experience anything like it again.’ Well, at least not until Stuart Broad does it in a couple of years...”
Broad will do well to match the fifers – he’s on 18 at the moment – but might get to 600, though the competition for places makes it tricker that previously. But it’ll still be different, because Broad is a different thing. We’ll never see anything like him again either, even if he calls it a career this morning.
“I wasn’t sure about your answer, so I looked it up,” clarifies Bob O’Hara. According to the laws, you’re right that a batsman can retire, but can only return if they’re Retired Injured, or if the opposition captain allows them to. BUT I assume play hadn’t been called, so presumably the Pakistani innings hadn’t started. Thus I assume Azhar Ali doesn’t have to bat.”
Talking of which, and seeing as we’re talking about the passing of time, is there a guitar band around now, anywhere near as good as Supergrass, who were not the best of their time? I suppose I’m just old.
“I did have to laugh when I read the reason for not starting at 10.30 was due to the forecast being better later in the day,” says Brendan Large. “Surely when there has been time lost to bad weather they should be trying to make up the overs, which was why this new option was permitted for this test?!? Also ‘later in the day’ is also when the bloody light gets ‘bad’ as a rule is it not?”
I’ve not a clue, I’m afraid. But when it’s late in the day, I’m thinking of you, things that you say, so long, so long for me.
“Two points,” says Ian Wilkison. “1. Given that a) the basic impossibility of the umpire always giving a correct LBW decision has been acknowledged by the arrival of technology and b) the fact that just about every umpiring decision is challenged anyway, would it not be more sensible to bypass this preliminary stage and simply go to the ball tracker ?
2. Can you tell me what is causing that incredibly irritating noise every few seconds? Imagine a small child preparing to play Three Blind Mice on a recorder – nightmare.”
Have you not heard of Michael Gough? But the point, to me at least, is that the human eye is not infallible and neither is the technology. The human element is also part of the fabric of the game, so worth protecting, and as things go, we’re getting most decisions correct.
As for the noise, I think it’s probably the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls*.
*award yourself 10 points if you know.
David Bucknor Brawn emails in to clarify Robert’s earlier question: “Does not have to retire because, under law 25.2, his innings never started.”
When England won the toss, I had a few quid on them to win this Test - flat track, confidence up, opponents who might fancy going home. I just had a look, and all I can cash out is my stake, which tells you the weather forecast for the next two days is infelicitous to say the least. It’s dry at the moment, though, which causes a person to wonder why we’re not starting at 10.30am.
Email! “This has what has been keeping me awake all night,” opens Robert Heath. “As I understand it, Azhar Ali, feeling that the force was with him, decided to open once the follow-on was enforced and walked out to bat again ……….. but the light was deemed too bad and no ball was bowled in the second innings. So, this morning, does he HAVE to open, or can they revert to their normal openers if they choose?”
He doesn’t have to because he any batsman can retire if it suits, but I’d be surprised if he didn’t.
Preamble
On 22nd May 2003, James Anderson made his Test debut for England against Zimbabwe at Lord’s. Naturally, he took fifer in his first innings, cleaning up the tail with 4-7 off 14 deliveries.
Since then, I have been to law school, finished law school, trained as a lawyer, got divorced, qualified as a lawyer, become a writer, got married, written some books, become a father, and made some films.
I say all of that, not because it is inherently interesting – it is not – but because I’m struggling. Struggling to get a handle on Anderson’s achievements in a purely cricketing context, and the details of my life could be the details of anyone’s life, used to grasp and express the passing of time. Sport is so entwined in our lives as to be indivisible from it, a dialectic, a heritage and an identity. So I’ve filled in my gaps, you’ll fill in yours, and perhaps together we can appreciate what we’ve seen, what we’re seeing and what we’ll see.
Because James Anderson is still taking fifers for England. He now has 29 in total – the most recent of them yesterday – and 598 wickets in all. If the weather holds, the likelihood is that he’ll reach 600 sometime today, which isn’t just a bit of base-10 fun, but an opportunity for us to salute and reflect on an achievement so wild there is no comparator through which we can filter it to understand it better, forcing us to make it about ourselves even more promptly than usual. We will never experience anything like it again just as we will never see experience anything like our old lives again, but to experience them once is privilege enough.
Play 11am BST (because the weather is expected to be better later in the day)
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