Report, reaction and comment
And that’s all from me. Vic’s report on the day’s proceedings will be along shortly. Bye!
Mohammad Rizwan is named man of the match after his 72 runs in the first innings.
Joe Root does too:
They’ve coped with it as best they can. We were excited about this week. A new challenge for us. It was disappointing not to get as much cricket as we’d have liked. Zak played excellent today. We spoke today about making sure we were very professional about how we approached this session, and I thought for what is a very young top order in particular it’s a great experience for us, to get through this, make sure we can cope with these situations, the conditions, and now we’ve got that in the bank moving forward. That partnership was high-class really on a very challenging surface.
[He’s asked what could be done about these weather-affected Tests] You want to protect Test cricket as much as you can in terms of the ball, but it’s something to look at I suppose in terms of whoever’s job that is. But I do think we’ve had a week of very strange circumstances. It’s not so often you see bad [not sure what he says here. Rain? Light? Weather?] play such a part over a five-day game and I think everyone involved has coped with it as best they can. All the guys are in contention for the next one. We’ll have to see where everyone’s at tomorrow.
We’ve got a huge game haven’t we? We’ll try to finish the Test summer off as best we can. We’ve played some good stuff, 1-0 up in the series and try to finish 2-0.
Azhar Ali has a quick chat:
I think it’s been frustrating for both teams. The game was set quite nicely, the conditions were good for bowling throughout, and the total we got we thought we had a very competitive Test match coming up, but unfortunately the weather was the winner. We are taking the challenge of batting first. The heat we thought would have an impact on the pitch but it changed so quickly. Whoever went in fought really hard. Their bowling attack is brilliant obviously and the guys stuck to their task.
[On his own innings] I felt very good, because the first couple of innings my balance wasn’t really good. I felt quite confident at the crease. Unfortunately I couldn’t convert the start I got but I was feeling very well. The bowlers didn’t have to do too much, it’s a big Test match coming up.
The declaration took enough overs out of the game to bring the draw instantly into play, and England weren’t enjoying batting enough to extend it unnecessarily. Azhar Ali obviously knew exactly what was coming when he brought himself on to bowl and clearly found the entire experience hilarious. He used to do some occasional bowling but since May 2017 he had now bowled precisely 24 deliveries. Anyway, this is done.
Last six years in the United Kingdom:
— Ben Jones (@benjonescricket) August 17, 2020
Prime Ministers - 3
Test match draws - 3#ENGvPAK
England declare for 110-4 and the match is drawn
43.1 overs: England 110-4 (Root 9, Buttler 0) Azhar Ali decides to have a bowl himself. His first delivery moves off the pitch away from Buttler and past the edge, and England instantly declare!
43rd over: England 110-4 (Root 9, Buttler 0) A maiden from Yasir to Root. There should be another 18 overs before the day ends, though the captains can agree to call it a draw at any time from the end of the 46th over onwards.
42nd over: England 110-4 (Root 9, Buttler 0) Root comes forward to clip Abbas past midwicket, but it slows off the outfield so he has to run three. Then one nips back into Buttler, but might have taken a slight edge before hitting the pad, and was a but high anyway. He and Yasir both appear to be having a jolly old time, bowling nicely and doing a great deal of smiling and stuff.
41st over: England 107-4 (Root 6, Buttler 0) Buttler exhibits a full-range of straight-to-fielder shots here, but then misjudges the fifth, which is caught off a thigh pad prompting a half-hearted and wildly optimistic appeal, and then leaves the last.
40th over: England 107-4 (Root 6, Buttler 0) Abbas’s first ball moves off the pitch and screams past Root at a little over waist height, the batsman pretty much clueless
39th over: England 105-4 (Root 4, Buttler 0) That just skidded on from Yasir, Pope was clearly expecting both more bounce and more turn and he couldn’t get his bat down in time to keep it off his pad.
WICKET! Pope lbw b Yasir Shah 9 (England 105-4)
It hit pad before bat, and as soon as that was decided Pope was doomed, because that was taking out a couple of stumps.
Updated
WICKET! But England review again!
Pope is given out lbw to Yasir Shah, but got some bat on it and needs very little encouragement to try a review.
38th over: England 104-3 (Root 3, Pope 9) Pope ruins another potential maiden by clipping Abbas’s final ball off his hip and past square leg for four, lovely timing.
36th over: England 100-3 (Root 3, Pope 5) Two singles and a three off Yasir take England to triple figures.
35th over: England 94-3 (Root 2, Pope 0) Root goes down on one knee to sweep Yasir’s final delivery but gets nothing on it. Fortunately his back foot remained resolutely grounded. The match situation has drained this of much of its drama, but it’s still an intriguing spell of play.
34th over: England 92-3 (Root 0, Pope 0) A second successive wicket maiden from Abbas. Sibley’s tendency to feather catches down the leg side is repeatedly costing him.
WICKET! Sibley c Rizwan b Abbas 32 (England 92-3)
Sibley gets a gentle nibble on a ball heading across him and down leg, and Rizwan takes the catch!
Updated
33rd over: England 92-2 (Sibley 32, Root 0) Yasir Shah seems very gentle after that.
32nd over: England 91-2 (Sibley 31, Root 0) Root leaves his third ball from Abbas, which bounces just in front of Rizwan and rears up past the gloves and into the keeper’s stomach. The next ball is excellent, missing the edge by the hairiest breadth, and then the last keeps a bit low and flicks a pad on its way through, prompting a loud appeal but not interesting the umpire. Six excellent deliveries, and a wicket maiden.
WICKET! Crawley lbw b Abbas 53 (England 91-2)
Ball tracking has the ball hitting the top of the stumps, and having completed a half-century off his 97th ball Crawley is out to No99!
Updated
WICKET! Or is it? Crawley reviews!
Crawley has been given out, but Sibley indicates it might have been going over so they try a review!
31st over: England 91-1 (Crawley 53, Sibley 31) Crawley completes his half-century off his 97th delivery with a fine shot, sending the ball through midwicket for four. He’s looked in excellent nick today.
Genuinely offended by how much I enjoy watching Dom Sibley bat. Feel like I'm a hop skip and a jump from talking about how electable Rishi Sunak is
— Ben Jones (@benjonescricket) August 17, 2020
30th over: England 86-1 (Crawley 48, Sibley 31) Shan keeps going. At this point I suppose there’s no harm to be done.
29th over: England 84-1 (Crawley 48, Sibley 29) A couple of singles off Shah.
28th over: England 82-1 (Crawley 47, Sibley 29) Shan opens with a full toss, which Crawley dispatches to the boundary, and then a couple of balls later he sends the ball screaming over the slips for four more. I’m not sure that he’ll get as many as five overs here. “Simon you could let Richard O’Hagan know that he is overlooking the upside of a kilo of fennel sausage in ones knapsack,” writes Kim Thonger, “which is an excellent way to ensure social distancing on a train and indeed an empty first class carriage all to oneself is often the outcome.”
Updated
27th over: England 73-1 (Crawley 38, Sibley 28) Chance! Sibley goes down the track to Yasir, misses it completely, and Rizwan fumbles a straightforward stumping chance!
Updated
26th over: England 72-1 (Crawley 34, Sibley 31) Shan Masood has a bowl. He is a very occasional Test bowler, haing bowled in one Test in 2016, one in 2017, one in 2018, two in 2019 (albeit more than 11 months apart) and one in 2019. He has never bowled more than five overs in an innings, or six in a calendar year.
25th over: England 69-1 (Crawley 34, Sibley 28) Sibley also has a go at Yasir, hitting nicely through midwicket for four and then cutting a little over-fine, the ball flying not far wide of slip for three.
24th over: England 61-1 (Crawley 33, Sibley 21) A lovely cover drive from Crawley brings four runs. “My late grandfather was a butcher who always said that you wouldn’t eat sausages if you new what was in them,” writes Richard O’Hagan. “Having now learned that people scoff them raw or put the devil’s own fennel in them, I’m inclined to agree with him.” Now don’t you start on fennel, about which I feel much as Matt Whitton (20th over) does about the Lorne sausage.
23rd over: England 57-1 (Crawley 29, Sibley 21) Yasir Shah brings some spin, and after a couple of balls Crawley goes on the attack, lifting the ball way over the fielder at mid-off for four. Next ball he goes again, but he doesn’t get hold of this one and gets a single to mid-on.
22nd over: England 52-1 (Crawley 24, Sibley 21) Shaheen bowls a rubbish full toss at Sibley, who rather like a diner faced with a platter of ossenworst could have tucked in but decides not to. Maiden.
21st over: England 52-1 (Crawley 24, Sibley 21) “I’m quite resentful that there’s been all this sausage discussion without any attempt to canvas my opinion?” writes Kim Thonger. “As a man who’s been known to make a round trip on East Midlands Trains from Northamptonshire to St Pancras, seldom an uplifting experience, and then cycle on a Boris bike to and from Terroni’s in Clerkenwell, solely to secure supplies of their fennel sausage for a light kitchen supper, I feel my voice must be heard. And well done Somerset for thumping Warwickshire by the way. If ever a county was fuelled largely by sausage, it’s Somerset, despite claims that we live on cheddar and raw onion. That’s just breakfast.”
20th over: England 51-1 (Crawley 24, Sibley 20) A no-ball and a wide from Afridi. “Two thoughts,” writes Matt Whitton. “1. You’re teetering towards the same semantic cul-de-sac that pie enthusiasts lose themselves - the Lorne is certainly a sausage, despite not being traditionally encased, and is a magnificent example. 2, As far as I’m aware said sausage is named after the Lorne Hotel in Glasgow, where it was invented.” We’re certainly at risk of lapsing into a game of Lorne tennis, which is best saved for our Wimbledon game-by-game coverage.
Updated
19th over: England 49-1 (Crawley 24, Sibley 20) Another Sibley boundary to third man, this off an edge, and that’s DRINKS. “Raw meatloaf? Away and raffle yourself, square (Lorne) sausage is a delight on a par with a Graham Thorpe cut to the boundary and only a scoundrel would suggest otherwise,” fumes Allan MacDonald. It may very well be delicious, it just fails my sausage-classification test on a number of counts.
18th over: England 45-1 (Crawley 24, Sibley 16) Sibley turns on the run tap, clipping past backward square for two and the cutting to third man for four. Having taken 44 balls to get to nine, he very nearly doubles his tally in five. England have meanwhile officially avoided the follow-on.
Updated
17th over: England 38-1 (Crawley 24, Sibley 9) A lovely ball here from Naseem Shah, who tempts Crawley into a drive and just beats the edge. “I’ve tried ossenworst (10th over) and enjoyed it,” reports Adrian Armstrong. “It’s best treated as a pâté rather than a sausage - spoon it out of its casing and spread it on crusty bread. Quite strongly spiced, but not hot like nduja. Doesn’t keep long after opening, as you can imagine.”
Updated
16th over: England 35-1 (Crawley 22, Sibley 8) Abbas gets one to jag into Crawley and near enough slice him in two. “Having just spent a week in the Toulouse region, yeah the sausages are the best in the known world,” gloats Alistair Connor. “Driving home to Lyon through the Massif Central, we happened to stop in the village of Eygrande in the Limousin, where the butcher’s sign proclaims him “le Roi du Boudin”. So obviously I had to get some of his royal black sausage, which I was obliged to chuck in the freezer when we got home, because my wife occasionally remembers she’s a Muslim (but only if there’s no pata negra available).”
On the downside, you’re presumably unable to leave the house for two weeks because of quarantine regulations. On the plus side, royal boudin.
15th over: England 35-1 (Crawley 22, Sibley 8) Still four slips in place, as Pakistan go all out for the 19 wickets they need to take in the next couple of hours if they’re going to win this.
14th over: England 34-1 (Crawley 21, Sibley 8) Swoosh! Abbas tempts Sibley into pushing his bat towards the ball, which holds up off the seam and goes just past! The batsman learns his lesson from that and leaves the remaining two deliveries, the last of which cuts in slightly and can’t have missed off stump by much.
13th over: England 34-1 (Crawley 21, Sibley 8) Naseem Shah replaces Afridi, and Crawley edges, but it drops short of first slip! “I realise that Glasgow isn’t exactly a hotbed of cricket fandom and that’s probably why there’s been no mention of it but your assertion that Toulouse is the finest named-after-a-place sausage is nonsense,” rages Bill Criggie. “The Lorne (Named after Lorne in Argyll) or ‘square’ sausage is the best sausage full stop. That can be the only explanation for why we used to have to take some smuggled in a suitcase to family friends who lived in the south of France.”
Pah. There’s been some kind of foul-up in the foodstuff-naming department: that isn’t sausage, it’s raw meatloaf.
12th over: England 33-1 (Crawley 21, Sibley 8) There are four slips in place as Abbas bowls at Sibley, but he takes them all out of play by angling it wide of leg, and the batsman clips it away for a couple. Abbas does it again a couple of balls later, but Sibley clips straight to the man at square leg.
11th over: England 31-1 (Crawley 21, Sibley 6) Crawley chips over the man at midwicket and runs a streaky three.
Updated
10th over: England 27-1 (Crawley 18, Sibley 6) “I wonder if anyone has tried Ossenworst?” writes Chris Barry. “My advice is don’t. I ordered it once in The Netherlands, waving away the advice of my dining companions. ‘What’s the wurst that can happen. It’s obviously sausage of some kind.’ Indeed it was sausage, only raw. I finished it if only to save face. Turns out I could meet a sausage I didn’t like.” I’m struggling to understand the concept of raw sausage. Surely the casing would be all bleeurgh?
9th over: England 26-1 (Crawley 17, Sibley 6) Now Crawley drives down the ground, but he doesn’t quite time it and the outfield isn’t the quickest, so he has to run three. “Brindisa’s Chorizo is very good, but these Toulouse sausages are pretty good too,” insists Charles Sheldrick. No argument from me. The Toulouse is a great sausage, probably the best named-after-a-place sausage. Some Cumberland fans might disagree, but they’d be wrong.
8th over: England 20-1 (Crawley 14, Sibley 5) Abbas goes shortish, and Crawley stands up and pulls past backwards square leg for four, then his last delivery is a bit wide, and Crawley cracks it past point.
7th over: England 12-1 (Crawley 6, Sibley 5) A maiden from Shaheen. Ian Forth and Gina Watson insist Will Hargreaves must have been thinking about Graham Gooch’s bowling impressions. Footage is sadly elusive, but here’s an old Rob Bagchi column on the subject:
6th over: England 12-1 (Crawley 6, Sibley 5) The sun is shining, and the torrential rain that turned the outfield into soup is a distant memory. Mohammad Abbas starts proceedings with a no-ball, and all the runs come off that and the next. There follow a couple of nasty deliveries, one rearing up to hit Crawley around the waist.
Updated
Will Hargreaves, is this the action you were wistfully recalling? If so, you owe both Barry Etheridge and Andrew Thomas some gratitude.
A couple of thoughts on the action witnessed on the OBO so far today:
- Chorizo makes the very finest sausage sandwich, bar none. Brindisa’s is a good place to start.
- Bread Ahead’s recipe for babke is the bee’s knees. The key is the seriously enriched (in other words, ludicrously butter-heavy) dough. Sesame babke is at least as good as the more classic chocolate.
Now then, there are actual cricketers on a field in Southampton!
“These circumstances make me wonder if the returning players will take their tasks seriously,” writes Will Hargreaves. “I seem to remember a test from my youth, at Edgbston I think, in similar circumstances, where one of the bowlers took it upon himself to imitate the others. I have to say, everyone recognised his version of the giraffe-plodding, arm-swinging gait of Tony Greig. To do an Ian Botham he asked the umpire for a couple of jumpers, which he then stuffed inside his own. The crowd were all very amused, as I recall: as were the players, I think. I’d love to see a video link if anyone has one, please?”
Anyone?
Hello world! So it falls on me to take you through the conclusion of this Test.
I was going to use the word climax instead of conclusion there, but it dawned on me, thankfully just before I committed to it, that it doesn’t actually refer to the final bit of something but to “the most important or exciting point in a story or situation”, so doesn’t really work here. In fact I think we probably had the climax yesterday, during the first five overs of England’s innings, which Vic Marks wrote about so splendidly:
Updated
And just as we get news of some actual sport, my stint is over. Here’s Simon Burnton to guide you through the staggering denouement.
Tea will have been taken by the resumption, and play will go through till 6pm, or till there are 15 overs remaining and everyone’s had enough.
Play will resume at 3.20pm BST!
I’m not sure how long it’ll be till the teams are shaking hands, but there it is.
“The glorious 29,” begins Julian Menz. “Each stop evocative of a half-forgotten St Etienne song, my life-line when I moved ‘North’ to the ‘suburbs’ from Covent Garden, and the start of an enduring love affair with Green Lanes.
A lot has changed since the early 90s ... the Queen’s Head pub was still wonderfully divey, with the stickiest pool-hall carpet I’ve ever encountered, upholstered beer crates for stools, and the best juke-box north of Camden.
The lamb chops are still the same though. I live abroad now, but get the 29 every time I’m back. Just for those perfect, crispy-fat beauties.”
I think it’s gone now, replaced by Dogtas furniture – but it’s not really my section of the route, so I could be wrong.
Updated
I just came across this, which is nice. I remember being at a summer scheme when Javed scored his double century at the Oval in 1987 – the Pakistani kids were loving it and giving it loads. Looking back, it was probably my introduction to the multicultural beauty of London.
Javed Miandad and MS Dhoni have been often compared due to their excellent finishing skills. Just noticed a quirky similarity between the two. Both were run out in their first ODI and last ODI.
— Mazher Arshad (@MazherArshad) August 16, 2020
Really, how bad can the run-ups be? pic.twitter.com/2W1HnslwlJ
— George Dobell (@GeorgeDobell1) August 17, 2020
“Why don’t they just say let’s all go home (or what passes for home) and see you all on Friday?” wonders Diana Luther Powell.
Er, because then we’d have to stop talking about eating?
“Before the game stops the sausage chat,” says Richard Neal, “let me extol the virtues of the Bavarian Weißwurst (pronounced roughly ‘Vice-vurrst’), or white sausage. Made of very finely ground veal and pork belly fat, spiced with lemon, parsley, mace and cardamon, poached in hot water rather than fried, and served before noon with a sweet mustard, a soft bread pretzel and a wheat beer. Such was how I recently celebrated adding a German passport to my British one, and a very fine way to do so it was.”
Mace? Sounds eye-watering.
“I have a feeling these umpires may have discovered water in the bowling run-ups at the Oval in 1976,” tweets Steve Pye.
For the uninitiated, 1976 was an extremely hot summer, by UK standards, and by the time of the final Test, the Oval resembled Eden Gardens. West indies made a total 869 runs in the match for the lost of eight wickets, *IVA contributing his famous 291. England did their best to compete, Dennis Amiss making 203, but Michael Holding took 8-92 and 6-57 as they lost by a mere 231 runs.
Updated
Nigel Benson returns: “It has just occurred to me that anyone new to peanut butter-making needs to bear in mind two things:
- Don’t just leave the food processor running for 15 minutes. It’ll give you a nice smokey flavour but will be the last time you use that particular device.
- Be careful if you are using shiny new blades. They won’t be shiny or sharp afterwards. Best to keep an old machine with old blades for the purpose.
I think in general nuts are rather underrated. You can make a great pasta sauce with ground cashew nuts, basil, grated carrots and passata. Life without marmite is like a summer without test cricket.
Gosh, this natter takes us to some strange places, and to making some unusual admissions. Allow me to recommend the Vitamix. I think my wife discovered it upon reading that Gwyneth Paltrow or somesuch had given one to a Kardashian of some sort for a wedding present. We bought one because I don’t eat fruit and veg, but am capable of hurling any liquid past the tastebuds. It’s dear, but exceptional.
“I don’t mean to encroach on Mac Millings’ turf,” exculpates Ned Harrison, “but as I’m supposed to be putting garden furniture together in my lunch break, I thought I’d try my hand at this instead. It’s a bit light on batting, and heavy on seam (Graham Onions unlucky to miss out).
Marcus Trescothick
Salami Butt
Don Bradwurst
Tony Greig’s Vegan Sausage Roll
Kevin Currywurst
Cameron White Pudding
Jeff Dujon Mustard
Saucisson de (Nathan) Lyon
Stuart Broad in the Hole
Pork & (Brett) Leek
Frankfurter Tyson
Thanks for your coverage; a marvellous distraction from the many less important things I should be doing.”
Phil Mustard also unlikely not to get in behind the stumps, likewise Denny’s Compton.
“Just to be pedantic,” says Alan Dickson, “if you were in Malham you wouldn’t see this shop, because it’s in Airton, about two miles south. My parents-in-law lived there when they were alive. It’s the only shop in the village and they used it for food shopping.”
Whatever happened to the Popular People’s Front?
There will now be an inspection at 2.20pm BST
Sigh.
“Let me add my love for the 29,” tweets Alex Marsh. “When I met my wife she lived off Green Lanes and I off Camden Road, so I spent a lot of time enjoying its charms. Any culinary tour must include Gökyüzü, the best of all the Turkish places on Green Lanes and I will not accept otherwise.”
Class, from a Diyarbakir fan.
“Charles Sheldrick is right about my nuts,” confirms Pete Salmon, “and also about the worry that we will be interrupted by cricket. Time to start working up some synergy to bring the threads together. So I googled cricket and sausage and got these. Also featuring slurry!
Oof madone!
Still no inspection news, I’m afraid.
“I’m frankly appalled at the attention given to sausages when compared to Dylan,” chunters Richard Hirst. “What has happened to Guardian readers? Fortunately I think I can bring the two together with these immortal lines from On a Night Like This:
Build a fire, throw on sausages
And listen to them hiss.”
Much as I revere his Bobness, I think this sausage chat is extremely on-brand. And who didn’t enjoy his recent release, Merguez Most Foul. I was in bed with corona when he released that, and when I played it I cried because I was so moved by him coming to save me us.
To complete this thrilling whistle-stop tour of the Kosher bakeries of north London, I treated myself to a cookie dough bite from Mill Hill’s the Bagel Place. Also highly recommended.
There'll now be an inspection at 1.40pm BST
I guess if there’s no more rain, we might be able to play within the hour after that, but in the meantime, I’m going to have some scran, wishing I’d defrosted the sausages in the freezer.
“£30 a kilo sounds cheap to me for pine nuts, says Nigel Benson. “I would definitely stock up at this price. I can easily pay 100 Euros a kilo. As for making peanut butter, it’s especially good with monkey nuts in their skins. Also a couple of tablespoons of tahini at the end helps the texture. Serve on toast with Marmite.”
I am ambivalent about Marimte, but I’d eat the hell out of that. Apparently Marmite peanut butter is useful, but I’ve not tried it yet.
There was meant to be an inspection at 12.50pm BST, but we’ve heard nothing on it so far. Obviously I’ll let you know what’s what when we’re told.
Updated
“It will be a shame if they finally interrupt our discussion with some cricket…” laments Charles Sheldrick. “Though I never gone for plant-based links of any sort (well, not when sober), I have tried sausage from Porthmadog Meats and very good they are too.
However, when home-made are not available, Chinn’s are the sausages of choice, made in the finest part of God’s favourite County (Mid-Devon) … and they deliver!”
I’m waiting for Mac Millings’ Sausage XI.
“Can I add a shout for the French merguez as a banging banger,” says Oli Haill. “It’s got spice and it’s got flavour – great on a barbeque (or in a bistro, I imagine). Baldwins the butcher of Harringay Green Lanes (sounds like a nice sort of murderer) used to do good ones, last time I went in there but I need to find a new supplier now we’ve moved to Bath, if any OBOers can recommend?”
Ah, I love Green Lanes – the Turkish gear there is spectacular. Prior to living in N4 I went to school in Camden, so knew from an early age that the 29 bus – from Wood Green to Trafalgar Square, through Turnpike Lane, Green Lanes, Manor House, Finsbury Park, Holloway, Camden, Warren Street and Leicester Square – is London’s finest route. I am happy to lead an accompanying culinary tour.
“One of the finest things to come from the Garden of England,” says James Debens, “apart from the pioneering cricket correspondent Peter West, is the Kent Korker, from the Hoad family in lovely Rolvenden. This herby pork sausage is delicious with buttery mash or injected with Primula. Or the Kent Korker can be served in this way.”
THIS COUNTRY.
Helen Chaloner emails asking that I publish the below. I think it featured in Classic YouTube the other day, but for those who missed it there, here it is here.
As crazy as it gets - This is Pakistan - With no proper ground, 32 teams competed in this local cricket tournament in Abbottabad among the mountains - Glimpses from the final - Speaks volume of the love we have for the game - video ctsy: @ShakirAbbasi22
— Anas Mallick (@AnasMallick) August 8, 2020
pic.twitter.com/KIAjtfdjv7
“Re Pete Salmon and his nuts,” says Charles Sheldrick. “‘The biggest scams going this side of pesto’. As a keen maker, I was shocked by the cost of pine nuts in our local supermarket ... over £30/kg!”
I feel like we’re getting towards the gizuz a recipe stage. Also, feel free to send in more cooking lifehacks.
“Shots fired,” says Matt Dony. “Please let Simon Lewis know that I couldn’t understand a word of that, owing to the frankly ridiculous Nor-Walian accent. (Although, yes. I will miss MS Dhoni. In a world of too few Donys, having an elite sportsman who is a perfect homophone for my name was always enjoyable.)“
Oh go on then. Here’s an essay on the great man from Joy of Six: cool sports stars.
“Wish I’d known about the Town End Farm Shop,” says Tom van der Gucht. “I had my stag do in Malham and a sausage-making course would’ve been ideal. Not that I was disappointed with the activities – a pub crawl hike taking in the Falcon at Arncliffe, Malham’s pubs and Kettlewell hit the spot too.
There used to be an amazing Sausage and Mash restaurant in Oxford called The Big Bang, but it’s sadly no longer there...”
On my stag, my “friends” stuck a few shots of Dave’s Insanity Sauce on a tray of other shots, with the intention that I would be given one. Except I picked one of them all by my own self, got rid of it, and was overtaken by a full-body experience that caused me to cry tears – not eye-watering, actual floods of tears – of over-stimulation. It was something.
There'll be a further inspection at 12.55 BST
There’s been a bit more rain.
“Jumping in from Kuala Lumpur,” says Joel Eley. “I really remember the Ashes series of 2009. I was working in Bahrain and time difference was perfect to watch most of the play. I could get Hatfield Broad Oak sausages from my local supermarket at an exorbitant price, but as it was the village I grew up in I did not care. Used to have a couple of Aussies and fellow English over and good times were had. Shame about the weather but the sausage banter is spot on.”
I remember that series too, on the Fridays, a few of us used to keep away from the score then get together to watch as live with all picnic accoutrements.
Talking of bland food, here’s Leonard Cohen. “I’m somewhat aggrieved you went as far as to extol challah and Israeli hummus, without the dessert of choice from the shtetl, the glorious babke,” he says. “Attached is my latest attempt.”
Tell you what, when I was in bed with corona, one of my mates delivered babke with the challah on the Fridays, and I cannot begin to describe how well it went down. For those interested, this came not from Daniels but from Bread, also in Temple Fortune. Recommended.
“When I first came to England, I tried chicken tikka masala,” says Digvijay Yadav. “Learnt the hard way that masala means ‘with curry’ not ‘extra spicy’. It was sweet.”
Whoops! Raised on a diet of bland English and Ashkenazi food, to this day, I regret the first 22 years of my life, before I discovered something I believe is called “flavour”.
“All this toast has made me think of my lockdown revelation,” says Pete Salmon, “nut butter. Did everyone else know before that to make any sort of nut butter you get the nuts and grind them in a food processor for about 15 mins? That’s all. Some free spirits add a bit of salt or cinnamon or vanilla essence, but you don’t have to. Seriously, commercial nut butter is one of the biggest scams going this side of pesto. On the meat front, Toby from down Ballingham is the man to see. Will sell you half a Shropshire lamb start of spring. And you’ll have some leftover at the start of the next. A word to the wise.”
I cannot state strongly enough how beyond me this last element is.
“Please let Matt Dony know that it is the very lawlessness of North Wales that makes for such fantastic sausages ,” says Simon Lewis, “including the excellent Edwards of Conwy. Anyway, I thought Mr Dony retired from the international sausage scene last week - or am I getting my vowels mixed up?”
“Keep up the good work,” says Charles Sheldrick, “a second cricketless day in the offing … but sausages are even more interesting than cricket.
The very finest sausages are home made. If anyone is thinking of giving it a go can I recommend Town End Farm Shop as a place to start? Family run butchers in Malham that run courses. Where else would you go to learn how to make Italian charcuterie?
As for the kit you need and sausage skins, here has everything you could need and lots of lovely shiny things you probably don’t but can’t resist….
“Heaps Sausages do some amazing concoctions,” tweets Gary Naylor, “and, yes, you can see how the sausage is made in The Room Where It Happens. I used to buy their stuff at Smithfield in the 90s, a little sheepishly, as I only went for their vegetarian options.”
Another little thing one might do is coat one’s sausages prior to grilling. Honey, mustard, hot sauce.
Updated
“Sausage OBO,” says Jack Lee. “If I may suggest something beyond the traditional banger: Boerewors from a butcher near Hastings - no pork in this one!”
“Start delayed again,” says Richard Tinner. “Are we anywhere near the record for the least amount of play in an English test match due to weather?”
Nowhere near. At Nottingham in 1926, England and Australia managed 17.2 overs in 50 minute, and for years, that was the best of the worst. But then at Kandy in 1993, Sri Lanka and India mustered 12 overs in 49 minutes.
Lovely stuff. Sam is back on the toast tip – for those who missed him earlier, he recommends running the toaster through a cycle before sticking in the bread. “It just keeps the centre soft and warm as opposed to potentially firm throughout, whilst the dark (I’m a dark toast person) accepts the butter. It’s an added texture factor I suppose. I can’t not do it anymore. Never looked back.”
If my wife wasn’t on a call downstairs, I’d be there checking this as we speak. Maybe if I interject and explain, she and her work folk will understand.
“Oh where have you been my blue eyed son?” asks Richard Hirst. “We had a brief exchange about the greatest Bob during the first Test, in the context of your paean to Mr Willis. Since then I’ve been considering in more depth Bob’s relationship with cricket, which is perhaps greater than has been previously thought. Not only did he change his name to make Mr Willis’s life easier - RGZ Willis would have looked frankly silly – but also:
- He anticipated and put to bed the debate about reverse swing - ‘it don’t need a weatherman to know which way the swing goes’;
- He emphasised the importance of attitude when batting last - Positively Fourth Innings (Woakes and Buttler had clearly paid heed to this in the last Test, because they wanted to be on the side that’s winning);
- He foresaw the weather outlook for this Test as for so many others - A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall and Shelter From the Storm;
- He knows what cricketers talk about during those rain delays - Rainy Day Women #12 and 35;
- And he’s spent many hours watching failings and flailings outside the off stump – I gazed upon the England batsmen flashing.
I could go on (Percy (Fender)’s Song; It’s Alright Ma I’m Only Beefy), but I think it’s clear that following the Nobel Prize the only fitting tribute left is to make him President of the MCC.”
One of my mates is a teacher, and cried in front of his class when he discovered Bob had won the Nobel. Back to the name thing, though, I like to refer to him as Shabtai Zisel ben Avraham.
“Disappointed that Porthmadog Meats don’t have a delivery service,” says Matt Dony. “I dearly want to try those sausages, but they are based in the wrong half of Wales, I’m afraid. North of Aberystwyth is a lawless wilderness. Here be dragons. Specifically, dragons who can’t speak Welsh properly.”
Gosh, a Welsh-speaking dragon sounds extremely dangerous. Lldracarys!
“Great we can finally OBO some sausage on a wet day,” emails Patrick Duce. “In the interests of balance, there’s some great vegan options out there, as this Beyond Sausage packets shows ... delicious.”
I cannot believe it’s take us this long and apologise on behalf of myself and my colleagues.
On Twitter, @DerPendler1 gets in touch to flag the TMS link for today – thanks. I think it’s also available on the BBC website, if you go to the match page and click on “Natural Sounds”.
Yes, Rabbi, that was a joke.
“Lovely rain induced discussion and one I will follow closely from my couch,” says Sam Howard. “If I could remember who told me to put the toaster on empty for a cycle and THEN toast the bread, I would kiss them. Also, only scramble your eggs in the bacon pan.”
I’m intrigued: how and why does that make for better toast (and what an underrated invention toast is)? But you don’t pour the bacon residue into your bloody mary? Pah.
Start delayed
There’ll be a further inspection in 50 minutes, which will be 12pm BST. But it’s raining, and there are menacing black clouds all over the show.
Updated
“This is completely unfair,” says Naomi Adams. “Having been quite seriously ill during lockdown, and mandated by the hospital to elevate my leg, I was looking forward to lying on the sofa while watching the cricket and occasionally answering a few work emails. Instead, I am at my WFH desk feeling cheated by the weather. And It’s sunny here in south London.”
I’m sorry to hear that, but glad to hear that you’re on the mend. On the plus side, another Test starts on Friday, and you now know where to store your chilli peppers.
The umpires undertake a forlorn tramp around. We’ll get a verdict of some sort presently, and Athers notes that on such occasions, the match referee should speak to media, explaining what’s going on.
And while we’re here, here’s one more: whenever you grill meat – burgers, Porthmadog Meat sausages and the like – don’t tip away the juice, fridge or freeze it to toss in the next time you make stew or meat with sauce.
Please do send in your own.
Updated
However, I will never grasp why people use any chilli that isn’t a scotch bonnet, on which point a cooking, er “lifehack”: keep your peppers in the freezer so that when you chop them you’re not left with burning fingertips which lead to all sorts of hilarity when you take out a lens or visit the toilet.
“Spicy meats, eh?” emails Andrew Thomas. “You need to try Porthmadog Meats’ sausages. You have to sign a disclaimer when you buy them accepting all blame for injuries sustained during and following their consumption.
I hope my rabbi isn’t reading.
“The answer is simple,” says Em Jackson. “School sports hall and a game of Kwik Cricket. Run on every ball bowled, hit or not, a four for hitting the back wall along the floor, six for hitting the back wall in the air, batter out if caught in two hands, whole team out if caught in one (off the back wall only).”
I’d watch that, as I would corridor cricket.
Shane Warne, the most relentlessly positive man in the world, doesn’t think we’re getting any play today. Great stuff.
Thanks Pete Salmon for pointing that out. He also notes: “So the players will go into work today knowing there is no positive result possible, nothing they do will mean anything, and all their good work will prove utterly futile. Welcome to the real world chaps!”
Yes, although I trust all 22 players are committed nihilists.
Apparently my email was incorrectly entered at the top the the page. That’s been amended now, but to be clear, please get in touch via daniel.harris.casual@theguardian.com.
I’m fizz all day – no beer, no wine. Then as many spicy crisps as I can find, as much spicy meat as I can find, challah from Daniels in Temple Fortune (local knowledge, truss), Israeli hummus (none of that grainy, lemony, supermarket muck), sour sweets to make your mouth hurt and various meat in various pastry.
I’m seriously considering going downstairs and preparing myself a cricket picnic. How do you eat yours?
Sky show us footage of a lunatic downpour in the middle of the night, and that the outfield is extremely wet. No play before lunch and maybe no play beyond that, reckons Robkey Key, depending on whether the sun comes out.
“Or maybe they should call the Test off and decide to play some kind of single day game, a unique event,” responds Peter Brown.
That seems a better option, though again, I think the seriousness with which these sides compete would prevent that from happening.
“Wouldn’t it be great,” tweets Gary Naylor, “if Joe Root were to say, ‘It’s a summer like no other. Everyone has worked so hard to get this on, not least Pakistan. I’m declaring now and Azhar has agreed to set a target of 280 from as soon as possible after lunch. Let’s get it on!’”
It would, but elite-level sport isn’t like that, it’s about being a hard-nosed winner. If either side was 2-0 up, then perhaps, but with the series in the balance and Test championship points available, you need to be serious.
With nothing doing this Test, we also find ourselves looking forward to the next one. I’m sure England want to pick at least one of Archer and Wood, but who do they leave out given no one will be tired after five days doing not very much and the series on the line?
I suppose we have to talk about the rain and bad light situation. It wouldn’t have made any difference in this Test, but it is fair to start at 10.30 if time’s been lost out of the game; I don’t see much reason to oppose that. The light, though, is different because we need to be sure that the players are safe. It’s fine for Jimmy Anderson to talk about needing “leeway” – he knows a bit about cricket – but ultimately, we have a law specifically so that there is no “leeway”. “Leeway” is what will get people hurt.
Let’s look on the bright side: I cannot wait till England go to Pakistan. Mainly because it’ll be fun watching the struggle to pick a pace attack when you need at least two spinners, but the prospect of reverse-swing is also tantalising.
On the spinning point, I wonder if Root and Smith think Bess has the highest potential of the various options, though Leach was decent in Sri Lanka. Bess was pretty good in the first West Indies Test, and also offers the batting and fielding that Leach does not. If it’s close, which it is, then I can see why that might be the determining factor, even if someone better than both would be better.
Er, oh. I guess no chance of starting on time, and a good chance of no play this morning.
The scene on the final morning at the Ageas Bowl. Not raining but there were big storms overnight and another dump this morning. pic.twitter.com/GuA05xVsNe
— Will Macpherson (@willis_macp) August 17, 2020
Preamble
Sometimes, the preambles just write themselves ... and this time isn’t one of them. There’s so much to like about both these teams – even the cricket we’ve seen in this Test has been great – but unfortunately, it’s going nowhere.
A few years ago – OK, a lot of years ago – they played three-day games in the Britannic Assurance County Championship, which meant a lot of forfeited innings in pursuit of a result. But with England about to go dormie one, I can’t see Joe Root agreeing to that, however much we’d all enjoy watching Rory Burns and Dom Sibley commandeer a chase.
On which basis, I’m not sure what we’re going to see today. Usually, that’s one of the best things about sport, but on this occasion ... it’s still one of the best things about sport. For as long as the weather holds, we’re going to enjoy the best thing that’s going on anywhere on this planet at this time, so it is incumbent upon us to wade right in.
Play: 11pm BST
Updated
