A final email or two. “Inglorious basterds,” says Colum Fordham. “Test cricket has been full of glorious draws – if that’s not an oxymoron. Monty Panesar fending off the Aussies, the brilliant Indian rearguard effort against the Aussies earlier this year... but this match is not one of them. The only winners are New Zealand, Devon Conway and Kane Williamson. At least we can cling on to the gifted but rather embarrassing Ollie Robinson.”
“Well written, Tim,” says David Pearl. Thanks! “Root deserves to be panned for this, the worst captaincy decision for half a century. He was too ‘frit’ about losing the match, even though virtually all commentators think that, if the run chase had gone wrong,they could have shut up shop after, say, six wickets. In any case, where’s the dishonour in failing in a sporting run chase? Cricketers of the past would have been ashamed to watch what happened at Lord’s this afternoon.”
Yes, it was dismal. But the OBOers’ company, as ever, was very stimulating. Thanks for reading, writing and ranting, and here’s to some proper cricket when the series resumes at Edgbaston on Thursday.
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Here’s Joe Root. “We set out to lay a foundation. It would have been very easy to go too early today. It was a tricky wicket with a bit of up-and-down bounce, and we didn’t have the time we needed to go after that target.” Asked if he was wary because of the inexperience in the camp, he says, “More so the conditions, I think the talent’s there in the dressing-room... We had to be more disciplined, we made it harder for them to get us out, we were resilient.”
On Ollie Robinson, he says, “He’s shown a lot of remorse. He’s got to learn a lot of lessons.” He’s not the only one. Is Robinson available for the next Test? “I’m not sure.” Root isn’t asked how he squares today’s timidity with his stated aim to win every Test this summer. He may face tougher questions at the press conference.
The player of the match is Devon Conway. “Ah jeepers,” he says modestly, “yeah, pretty special feeling.” After growing up in South Africa, he’s clearly gone native as a Kiwi.
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Kane Williamson is being interviewed. He describes the game as “a really good game of cricket”. Was he surprised that England didn’t go for it? “I suppose they were trying to get a feel for it ... and to be fair, they went a long way to doing that.” Diplomatic.
He points out, rightly, that a day was lost. And he pays tribute to Devon Conway., “Just looked so comfortable, played within himself, and to score a double century on debut is a brilliant feat.” He also mentions “a special performance from Tim [Southee]”.
“ENGLAND SHAMBLES,” says Will Vignoles. “While this has been a somewhat dire end to a game, I do think it’s a bit ridiculous that people are now slamming Root for saying England wanted to win all the Tests this summer. What was he supposed to do, say ‘actually I’m fine only winning 50% of our Tests’ or something?
Thanks for the great work as always!” It’s the yawning gap between his words and his action today that’s the problem. And we all know which of them speaks louder.
“Our first Test of the summer ends in a draw,” says England Cricket on Twitter. “Great to be back @HomeofCricket in front of fans.” But not a great way to show it. You’ve got to feel for the poor old social-media team, lumped with handling the PR for this.
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Match drawn (England 170-3, Sibley 60, Pope 20)
Kane Williamson, who tried to bring the game to life with his declaration, now decides to put it out of its misery. Or ours. As the handshakes are exchanged, some jeers and boos ring out. Joe Root, I’m afraid, has made a mockery of the game and a fool of himself, after boldly announcing that he intended to win all seven Tests this summer. He’s usually a very decent guy, but he has let himself down, and he has treated the first crowd since lockdown really badly. It’s mystifying.
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69th over: England 168-3 (Sibley 60, Pope 18) An apology: I’ve failed to tell you about a major milestone. Sibley has now faced 207 balls. Somehow, in all the excitement, I missed his double Dentury. Come back Denly, all is forgiven.
“Watched the rugby this afternoon,” says David Hepworth, the music writer, on Twitter. “I appear to have made the right decision.”
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68th over: England 166-3 (Sibley 60, Pope 17) A maiden from Santner to Sibley. Maybe Sibley’s on a secret mission: to make sure the Ashes finish 0-0.
“Aside from what you owe the game, or the opponents, or the fans etc,” says V Diddy, “when you publicly declare a desire to win all seven Tests this summer you DEFINITELY have a responsibility to try to win this game.”
67th over: England 166-3 (Sibley 60, Pope 17) Pope, facing Jamieson, plays a poor shot for four, off the edge, and a good shot for none – a cut that sounds great but finds the man at backward point.
And an email comes in from the scene of the crime. “As a member of the crowd,” says Sam Barnett, “I’d like to say it’s been challenging. NZ understood the meaning of the meaningless Test and set up a meaningful declaration – 3.6 an over! Instead we’ve watched an insipid, unimaginative farce. Surely Morgan’s ODI captaincy has shown that fans will accept a spirited defeat.”
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66th over: England 160-3 (Sibley 59, Pope 13) Another change as Santner comes back, bearing nothing in particular.
On Twitter, Jim (40th over) is back too. “Tom Adam (over 56) is right that sometimes a captain must prioritise not losing,” he concedes. “And Test cricket is a long and subtle game. But this isn’t a white ball/red ball culture clash. It’s just a bit rubbish.”
This in turn draws a response from Dave, writing before Rashford’s goal. “Please try to appreciate that many of us are in our living rooms having to choose between England (cricket) trying not to score and England (football) trying not to score. Not fun. You’re at Lords. That alone is something to be grateful for.” This is true, of Jim. I’m not at Lord’s! If I was, I’d be very tempted to boo.
65th over: England 159-3 (Sibley 59, Pope 12) Southee’s body has got what it wanted – a rest. Jamieson returns, bearing dots, plus a no-ball. The lights come on at Lord’s, which is ironic because the lights will go out on Test cricket if there’s much more of this.
64th over: England 158-3 (Sibley 59, Pope 12) Wagner continues: if this had been a timeless Test, he’d have been fine with that. Pope plays a cover drive for four, which is more elegant than all the strokes Sibley has played, put together.
“Afraid you’ve got this wrong Tim,” says Andrew Bennett. “1. Imagine the stick and pressure Root would get from fans and media if we lost this after the poor winter we’ve just had.” Not from me – unless he got the big decisions wrong.
“2. The majority of this batting line-up just needs more time in the Test middle before the more important fixtures ahead.” That’s insulting to the New Zealanders, and to the game.
“3. The fact there is a crowd has got absolutely nothing to do with how England should be playing. The fans choose to turn up to watch the players, the players aren’t there to entertain the fans.” What??? Of course they are.
“How about some support for England instead? Didn’t think the Guardian OBO would turn into a Michael Vaughan echo!” I haven’t read Vaughan for a while, so don’t know quite what you mean by that, but our job is not to support England. It’s to report the game as we see it. But I do wish you and I were in agreement. Thanks for writing, anyway.
63rd over: England 150-3 (Sibley 56, Pope 7) Southee is still on, for reasons I can’t fathom. At one point in this over he pulls up in the crease, as if his body is telling us what his mind is too good-mannered to say.
“The only reason to continue watching this dire display,” says Tim FG on Twitter, “is the hope that I’ll get to see the Sky box give Joe Root a seriously hard time afterwards for this dreadfully unsporting, take-the-piss-out-of-the-fans approach to avoiding a loss. Genuinely embarrassing.”
At least Marcus Rashford, captaining England for the first time, is emerging with credit.
62nd over: England 149-3 (Sibley 56, Pope 6) Sibley nurdles for two.
“Hi again Tim,” says Toby Miller. “This is a poignant scorecard: Boycott and Cowdrey, neither slow nor pusillanimous.”
61st over: England 147-3 (Sibley 54, Pope 6) Just a single off Southee’s over. I’ve been on the OBO at 4 in the morning, but I’ve never felt as sleepy as this.
“Evening again Tim,” says David Reynolds, coming off his full run. “In response to Tom Adam [56th over], I have not the slightest interest in white-ball cricket, and I have great appreciation for patient Test-match batting. But, firstly, not a single ‘cross-bat swipe’ is necessary, let alone any ‘flurries’, to at least TRY to score 273 off 75 overs. Test-match batting is not slow batting, it is being able to adapt to the situation and change pace accordingly, in both directions. Secondly, there is nothing remotely traditional about attempting to avoid losing over winning – quite the contrary. Nobody is suggesting slogging – that was not necessary.
“England could played very cautiously until tea, as they did, and then just have played busily after that, looking for runs. If they had then lost a few wickets, they could have shut up shop. No problem. Their strategy was not reasonable, it was not sporting, it was not balanced, and it was in no way traditional Test-match cricket. We were given a chance to play for a result by a captain who did not have to do it; we declined. I’ll continue clutching my pearls.”
60th over: England 145-3 (Sibley 53, Pope 6) A few singles off Wagner, whose stock has risen today – he’s been busting a gut, not insulting the crowd. And that’s drinks, when it could be the close – which must mean that NZ fancy some more bowling practice. England need 127 off 15 overs, but mainly they need to show some interest, as they did for a while towards the end of Root’s innings.
“If it was 320 off 65, yes, I’d totally agree,” says Toby Sims, “buy Sibley a pint and drop anchor, but it wasn’t. I know England’s batting experience is at the low end, but I’d much rather see them just believing in the talent (it is there!), as 3.7 or whatever it was an over is a fair contest. If you’re set 500 and fighting for a draw, fair play, but NZ gave a damn good declaration – a ‘come on then if you think you’re hard enough’, and I think England should have taken it on. Australia aren’t as kind and it’s good experience...” Yes – the Aussies look like being the only winners here.
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59th over: England 143-3 (Sibley 51, Pope 5) A single to each batsman off Southee. The end is nigh.
“Watching today’s cricket,” says Jon Collins, “do you think England would be a better side if they’d made Eoin Morgan Test captain in 2017 instead of Joe Root? Too late now, obviously, but his captaincy – and the extra runs from Root – might have made it worth it?” Yes, they might well have done. And Morgan, with his Test average of 30, would not have been out of place in this team.
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58th over: England 141-3 (Sibley 50, Pope 4) Wagner to Sibley, and it’s a maiden. For Sibley, you couldn’t call this a return to form, but it is a return to runs, following a sequence of 16, 16, 3, 0, 7, 2, 3 and 0. Those innings were more entertaining.
57th over: England 141-3 (Sibley 50, Pope 4) Southee returns and Sibley finally reaches his fifty, in true Sibley style – with an inside edge into the on-side. He has faced 161 balls, hit three fours, and lost a few thousand fans. Pope then shows him how it’s done with a fluent clip for four.
56th over: England 136-3 (Sibley 49, Pope 0) Root and Sibley had just collided – literally, in mid-pitch, as Root clipped for what should have been three. They ended up with two and Root managed a rueful smile, which was soon wiped away by the indefatigable Wagner. Ollie Pope comes in and starts with a play-and-miss.
Another counter-view. “Honestly, the amount of knicker-wetting-pearl-clutching-fit-of-the-vapours outrage on here that England should dare to prioritise ‘not losing’ over ‘trying to snatch an unlikely victory’!” splutters Tom Adam. “‘Moral duty to chase’ forsooth! ‘Won’t someone think of the kiddies who came to watch’ indeed!” (Said no one, ever.) “What a load of absolute tosh. I can only assume that these are white-ball fans who’ve never watched Test cricket, have no idea of the fragility of England’s middle order, think targets are simply there to be knocked off in a flurry of cross-bat swipes and have no appreciation of the subtle joys of the slow grind to safety and the gradual crushing of the opposition’s hopes.”
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Wicket!! Root LBW b Wagner 40 (England 136-3)
Yes, just pitching in line, and definitely hitting leg. Root departs, cursing loudly. Was he trying to win after all?
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Review! Root given LBW
It’s Wagner, it’s full and it’s plumb. unless he’s hit it.
55th over: England 133-2 (Sibley 49, Root 38) Santner is fit to bowl again, allegedly. Root greets his first ball with a big stride and a crisp sweep for four, and then does it again, well in front of square. And again, for a single this time, as there’s now a man in the deep. England have scored 53 off the past ten overs, which makes it all the more bizarre that they crawled along before that.
“For the second time in two years,” says David Reynolds, “we are being schooled in sportsmanship by New Zealand at the home of cricket. Williamson was prepared to risk losing the match in order to win it, as any proper cricket captain at any level ought to be prepared to do. Root apparently lacks this most basic sporting and cricketing spirit. He ought to be ashamed.”
54th over: England 124-2 (Sibley 49, Root 29) Wagner comes back and concedes two no-balls, but no runs off the bat. The chase appears to be off again.
We could do with a counter-opinion and here is one. “You’ll win nowt by slogging,” says Mike Shepherd. Are you sure? “In defence of England’s batting here, they’re just not very good batsmen (OK not a resounding riposte). They struggled to score 275 on a pitch with two days’ less wear in it, and no one on either side has been able to consistently score at the asking rate. If they’re trying to build this collection of callow, skittish-intent merchants into a batting line-up capable of winning away Tests, there will be some hard, dull days along the way. I appreciate it’s not great to watch, but I find it a lot less frustrating than (yet) another series of nick-offs and a press conference about taking the positives.
“Also, I know it was a flippant point, but I think it’s a bit tasteless to compare Root’s captaincy (which I’m no fan of), to Robinson’s past bigotry.” Ah, I didn’t mean to suggest any resemblance between them, except that both deserve a ban, for different reasons. Also, I suspect we’ll still get the line about taking the positives.
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53rd over: England 122-2 (Sibley 49, Root 29) Williamson continues with his so-called off-breaks, and both batsmen take some easy singles. England need 151 off 22 overs. Where’s Eoin Morgan when you need him?
In the meantime, here’s Michael Keane. “Following my earlier contribution (12:09pm) about being turned away from Lord’s as I had turned up more 24 hours later than my ticket (which I’d misread) suggested, I am now feeling a calm sense of relief. As a plan B, I considered going to the pub with a cricket-sceptical friend to educate him about the supreme joys of the five-day game, but he was busy. Thank heavens.”
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52nd over: England 118-2 (Sibley 47, Root 27) Santner carries on, sore finger and all, and Root helps himself to a cut for two, a sweep for two more, a better sweep for four, and a shovel for a single. He has rattled up 12 off his last six balls, having managed 15 off 54 before that. I don’t know what’s going off out there.
51st over: England 109-2 (Sibley 47, Root 18) Williamson brings himself on, perhaps in an effort to revive the match by giving away some cheap runs. Root edges a sweep for two, and brings up the fifty partnership – it’s now 53 from 123 balls. A worse fifty partnership you will seldom see.
“This is unsportsmanlike behaviour,” says Alisdair Gould, “and should be punishable as such! The problem is the individual fear of consequences. Silverwood and Root should have made it clear – this innings no one will be found guilty, it will not count against you, it can count as an individual plus and a team plus though on the positive side. There is no question they morally had a duty to chase. Don’t waste my life, Sibley, any more.”
50th over: England 103-2 (Sibley 44, Root 15) Santner bowls a maiden, even though he seems to have a split finger. And England go back to square one.
49th over: England 103-2 (Sibley 44, Root 15) Sibley takes another single into the leg side off Jamieson, and Root plays a very Rootish glide for four to bring up the hundred. He even plays a pull, but only for a single. There’s still time, lads – if not to win, then at least to give it a go.
“Embarrassing,” says Tim Robinson. “Both England’s game plan and Robinson’s teenage kicks, which are bad but should he be banned from playing cricket when someone else who made racist and sexist comments as an overpaid journalist has not been banned from running a country?” It’s a fair point.
48th over: England 97-2 (Sibley 43, Root 10) Sibley, facing Santner, plays another nurdle for another two. Santner then bowls a rank wide outside off which is mysteriously given as two byes. Sibley, unperturbed, nurdles for a single. Five off the over: that’s close to what they need. Are they tempted? Say it is so, Joe.
“In answer to you and Dean Kinsella,” says Guy Hornsby, “this is all pretty unedifying. I understand why they’d want to not risk losing but this has been stultifying stuff, with no one really trying to look positive. Mere grim, soporific survival makes a mockery of Root’s claim.”
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47th over: England 92-2 (Sibley 40, Root 10) Root takes the hint, glancing a yorker from Jamieson for four. And then he picks up a couple with a glide, to race into double figures. In theory, there are 28 overs left, and England need 181. They’re not suddenly going for it, are they?
“I’m seriously worried,” says Peter Metcalfe, “that people might actually prefer watching The Hundred to watching this. Maybe it’s a cunning marketing ploy.”
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46th over: England 86-2 (Sibley 40, Root 4) Sibley is thinking about being fully awake. He has a mow at Santner and gets four, along the ground, to long-on – ungainly but effective. And then he tucks for two. He has 20 off the last ten overs; Root has one. One!!
“Have England got it right?” asks Toby Sims. “Absolutely not. I’m willing the Black Caps to smash them (as an England supporter) after a very sporting declaration and the chance of a good contest. Yes their attack is good, but I’ve seen zero application to a chase. Stokes and Buttler must be nauseous.”
“England’s approach has been an admission of inadequacy,” says Tony Bennett. “They’re telling us they think Sibley, Crawley, Pope, Lawrence and Bracey are not up to it.”
45th over: England 80-2 (Sibley 34, Root 4) Sibley has half woken up, now that it’s too late: he glances de Grandhomme for a two and a single. That’s drinks, with England, I’m afraid, in disgrace. If Ollie Robinson gets a ban for his ancient tweets (and he should, alas), Joe Root should get one for this. It’s a crime against cricket.
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44th over: England 77-2 (Sibley 31, Root 4) More excitement: three leg-byes, as Root tries to sweep Santner. In a perfect world, leg-byes would never have been invented – they’re a reward for missing the ball.
On Twitter, Andy Zaltzman from TMS makes the same point as everyone else, with added stats. “This is a miserably timorous performance by England,” he says. “67-2 off 40 – their second lowest score after 40 overs in the last 20 years.” In the 1960s, the captain would have been sacked for it. Brian Close was.
43rd over: England 73-2 (Sibley 30, Root 4) Sibley goes crazy and takes a pair of twos off de Grandhomme – one nurdled to leg, the other mirroring it off a thick outside edge. The football is starting over on the other channel, and England’s captain is Marcus Rashford, so a dull day has a sporting highlight after all.
42nd over: England 69-2 (Sibley 26, Root 4) It’s a double change and on comes Mitchell Santner, who was picked for this match but not, as yet, backed by his captain. He’s had fewer overs than the man he’s now bowling to, Joe Root, even though the ball is turning. He gets one to fly off a length and concedes two byes as Root manages to keep his gloves out of the way.
“I’m sorry,” says Dean Kinsella, “but England have not even given a nod towards an attempt to chase these runs down. For the first time in my 63 years I’m supporting the team playing against England.” Which makes me wonder: is there anyone reading this who reckons England have got it right?
41st over: England 67-2 (Sibley 26, Root 4) Colin de Grandhomme replaces Southee, which rather suggests that Kane Williamson has lost the will to win. The main excitement in this over is that BJ Watling sends for a helmet and comes up to the stumps, to stop Sibley standing outside his crease. And the consequence is ... a maiden. The partnership is 11 off 63 balls.
40th over: England 67-2 (Sibley 26, Root 4) Sibley goes on the attack! Driving Wagner down the ground for three, as if the past two hours had been a bad dream. Can we have a bit more of that, please?
Jim on Twitter is back for more. “210 off 38 remaining overs is a perfectly respectable John Player League target,” he reckons. “Could still go for this, with Sibley set on 22. Oh. Sibley.”
39th over: England 64-2 (Sibley 23, Root 4) Southee to Sibley, and as the ball goes harmlessly past the bat the commentators are reduced to saying “what a good take”. When Sibley nurdles the last ball for a single, he gets some cheers, laced with sarcasm.
“It seems peculiarly tactless,” says David Pearl, “to select the anniversary of D-Day to shut up shop, bore the spectators, insult the listeners, and scratch around for four hours when set an eminently achievable target.”
38th over: England 63-2 (Sibley 22, Root 4) Sibley has middled one! He goes back and punches to mid-off’s right to pick up another single. The partnership is now a princely 7 off 7.3 overs. We already knew that Root’s words about winning all seven Tests were less than wise (because you have to take each game as it comes, especially when you’ve just lost three in a row). Now he’s making us wonder if they were also less than honest.
37th over: England 62-2 (Sibley 21, Root 4) A single to each batsman off Southee, both off inswingers, both off the inside edge. Sam Billings runs on with some gloves and a message – the rest of the batsmen threatening to resign, I presume.
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36th over: England 60-2 (Sibley 20, Root 3) A maiden from Wagner to Sibley. Gavaskar, infamously, made 36 off 60 overs; England have now managed the opposite, in very much the same spirit.
“Killing time without injuring eternity,” says the subject line from David Gaskell. “Five an over is not impossible,” he then insists. “Ben the Flayer would get them single-handed whilst eating a Lords prawn cocktail with his free hand. On the bright side it does get one in the mood for England against Romania.” You can follow that game here if you’re fed up with this one.
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35th over: England 60-2 (Sibley 20, Root 3) Southee’s turn to screech for an LBW, as Root takes a near-yorker on the base of the shin. The ump gives a run, when Nasser Hussain rightly points out that there was no nick, but it was going down anyway.
“Seems like only a few days ago,” says Peter Salmon, “that England said they would try and win all seven Tests this summer.” Superb.
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34th over: England 58-2 (Sibley 19, Root 2) Wagner thinks he’s got Sibley LBW with some swing back in, but the umpire reckons it’s too high, a view borne out by the fact that it thudded into Sibley’s box. I feel his pain, just as I’m hoping that he will feel mine, watching him bore for England.
33rd over: England 58-2 (Sibley 19, Root 2) Root gets off the mark first ball after tea, with a neat dab past third slip. That was more purposeful. The sun comes out, tentatively, like a shy kid who’s heard someone laughing in the next room.
It’s going to be Tim Southee, the man most likely to move the game along.
“Hey Jim on Twitter,” says Adam Roberts. “I’ll see your Brearley and Boycott and raise you a Gavaskar 1975 (36 years ago tomorrow).” Yes, stupendous stuff – though I make it 46.
32nd over: England 56-2 (Sibley 19, Root 0) Wagner runs back to his mark to try and squeeze in another over, but to no avail. And that’s tea, with the draw the hot favourite. The crowd will have more fun in the queue for a cuppa than they’ve had watching this session. In a perfect world, they would start singing “Are you a general anaesthetic in disguise?”
“Give this another couple of hours,” says Geoffrey Smith, “and you’ll all be grateful for Sibley’s 54 not out at stumps.” Speak for yourself!
“In addition to the sides’ aims (29th over),” says John Starbuck, “individual players are hoping to make their mark to survive the next week. Anyone from England whose name ends in a Y is at risk and getting desperate.” Ha.
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31st over: England 56-2 (Sibley 19, Root 0) Now we have a contest: not just NZ v the draw, but Southee v Root. His opening ganbit is an inswinger, full length, which almost gets through Root’s defences as he shuffles across. That’s a wicket maiden and, for once, the dots don’t feel like a drag.
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Wicket!! Crawley c Nicholls b Southee 2 (England 56-2)
Cometh the hour, cometh the Tim. Southee returns and instantly removes Crawley, playing the same loose drive that Sibley got away with a few minutes ago. Nicholls at gully takes the catch in front of his nose, and the New Zealanders have a sniff.
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30th over: England 56-1 (Sibley 19, Crawley 2) Crawley gets a single off a leading edge, thanks to a misfield. Crap cricket all round! Please will someone take this game by the scruff of the neck.
“Hell’s teeth,” says Jim on Twitter, “this is worse than watching Brearley and Boycott ‘chase’ the West Indies in the 1979 World Cup final. Smaller target, more overs, worse strike rate. Sitting at Lord’s almost hoping they’ll shake hands at 5.30 and put us all out of our misery.”
29th over: England 55-1 (Sibley 19, Crawley 1) Crawley shows his class for the first time with a flowing off drive, but a diving half-stop restricts him to a single.
“I do declare,” says David Mel, promisingly, “that a series of unfortunate negatives – a day’s play lost to precipitation, dismal over rates, Burns being bashed on the head, precipitating two concussion breaks, poor England batting performance – have all conspired to showcase Test match appeal. From the embers (not Ashes) of despair and disappointment rises an enchanting and intriguing Red Ball cricket spectacle. Not harnessing Test Championship points gives Williamson a reason to chase for victory.” At the time of the declaration I’d have agreed with you, but the conspiracy is now between both sides, settling for a stalemate.
28th over: England 54-1 (Sibley 19, Crawley 0) We have a boundary! The first for an hour and a half, and it’s off the edge as Sibley chases a wide one from Wagner. If there’d been a third slip, it would have been a sitter. Wagner is trying to win this match, but I’m not sure that Williamson is.
Michael Holding, meanwhile, has taken out his moral compass, applied it to the government’s Covid tests for people flying in, as he did the other day, and established that they are a scam. “Someone’s making a lot of money.”
27th over: England 50-1 (Sibley 15, Crawley 0) Sibley shovels Jamieson off his hip to bring up England’s fifty, which is greeted with ironic cheers – quite reasonably. Somewhere in Durham, Ben Stokes must be tearing his hair out.
26th over: England 49-1 (Sibley 14, Crawley 0) Wagner draws an inside edge from Crawley, which brings some oohs and aahs but no clink of timber.
“Tim,” says Andrew Benton, “this is a battle pitting don’t-mess this-one-up-for-once England against batting-collapse-as-usual England. New Zealand are just a side order. Would be good if Bracey could get a reasonable score, he’s been rather in the shadows on his first England adventure.” Would be good if he could get a bat. I’m with you on the analysis of England’s mental state, but don’t we need to get away from taking New Zealand lightly? They’re a top team.
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25th over: England 49-1 (Sibley 14, Crawley 0) Santner is taken off and Kyle Jamieson comes back. Williamson evidently wasn’t watching England in the winter when Crawley struggled to get going against slow left-armers – he likes the ball coming onto him. That’s a maiden from Jamieson: you can probably guess who was facing.
24th over: England 49-1 (Sibley 14, Crawley 0) Wagner, not for the first time, makes something happen. And in comes Crawley, on a pair, like about 36 per cent of England’s batsmen.
“Gotta say that I agree with John Price (16th over),” says James Evans. “This was not a risky declaration from NZ. England’s lineup is inexperienced and under pressure, and the required run rate was higher than all three prior innings in the match. I think people are being swayed by Williamson-love. Had England been in this position, the narrative would be ‘could’ve declared half an hour earlier if we hadn’t scored so slowly yesterday’. (Not that I think NZ batted too slowly - England bowled very well and they couldn’t risk losing quick wickets.)”
Wicket! Burns c Southee b Wagner 25 (England 49-1)
Wagner beats Burns outside off, then bowls the same ball, six inches to the left, and reaps his reward as Southee takes a crisp low catch at second slip. That’s good for New Zealand, and probably for England too. Burns goes off with a sore hand and 157 runs in the match. He had ten different partners and only looked in form when batting with the weakest of them, Jimmy Anderson.
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23rd over: England 49-0 (Burns 25, Sibley 14) Sibley takes a run! Off Santner, with the tuck to square leg, which is Sibley’s signature stroke. Burns then gets in a tangle or two, and would be gone if Williamson had had a backward short leg. At this rate, if Zak Crawley ever comes in, he may well be greeted with a standing ovation.
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22nd over: England 47-0 (Burns 24, Sibley 13) Southee takes a rare break as Neil Wagner comes on. He’s a man of two modes: one nasty, brutish and short, the other full and swinging. He goes full to Burns and finds that swing, but it’s from the hand so not hard to handle. That’s a maiden, so another bit of life drains from this contest.
“I’ll see your exciting declaration,” says Adm Roberts, “and I’ll ... well, I’ll ignore it actually.”
21st over: England 47-0 (Burns 24, Sibley 13) Santner continues in his role as the only spinner in the village. And Sibley continues to block for England – he now has 13 from 59 balls. Joe Root may need to send someone out with a fresh pair of gloves and a note saying “Dom, don’t want to spoil your fun, but you do realise this is a run chase?”.
Thanks Rob and afternoon everyone. This game was looking delicious when Kane Williamson declared, but Burns and Sibley have done their best to remove the flavour. Come on England, lose a wicket!
20th over: England 46-0 (Burns 23, Sibley 13) Another ball from Southee explodes at Burns, who gloves it fractionally short at Latham at second slip. That’s two vicious deliveries in as many overs, both of which could have dismissed Burns or broken his hand.
On the subject of cricket charities, here’s Tom Levesley. “Cricket Without Boundaries does great work using cricket to work on issues like sexual health and promoting the game.”
Right, I’m going to hand over to Tim for the rest of the day - you can email him on tim.delisle.casual@theguardian.com or tweet @TimdeLisle. Thanks for your company and emails throughout the game. Bye!
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19th over: England 45-0 (Burns 22, Sibley 13) The left-arm spinner Mitchell Santner comes into the attack. He almost picks up a wicket with his first ball, a legside full toss that Burns lobs just short of mid-on. Had that gone to hand, it would have been the second most shambolic Test wicket on this ground: Rogers LBW b Swann in 2013 will never be beaten.
“I love Kane’s aggressive declaration,” says Alistair Connor, “but bear in mind, NZ have two practice matches to work out how to win the World Test Championship in English conditions. If they lose one or both, they won’t give a toss (in fact, a toss in the final would be much more important to win).”
18th over: England 40-0 (Burns 21, Sibley 10) Burns is going to continue. That delivery from Southee, though not as extreme, brought to mind that famous delivery from David Saker back in the day.
Meanwhile, Sibley survives a big LBW shout when he walks across his stumps to Southee. Williamson decides to review, though I’m pretty sure this is missing leg. Yep, it would only just have hit a fourth stump.
17.4 overs: England 35-0 (Burns 20, Sibley 10) Out of nothing, a delivery from Southee bursts from a fullish length to hit Burns on the glove. The ball lands safely on the off side, but there’s a break in play while Burns receives some treatment. That looked really nasty and he may struggle to grip the bat.
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17th over: England 33-0 (Burns 20, Sibley 9) de Grandhomme has a huge shout for LBW against Sibley turned down by Richard Kettleborough. It looked too high, and Kane Williamson decides against a review. Another maiden from de Grandhomme, the seventh of the innings. It looks like the match is meandering to a draw.
16th over: England 33-0 (Burns 20, Sibley 9) Southee changes ends to replace Jamieson. He gets some prodigious inswing to Burns, who walks across and flicks to fine leg for four. In one game, he has jumped from third-choice opener to first choice.
“Very little risk involved in the declaration,” says John Price. “Far too little experience in England’s batting line up to make a win a possibility. If Stokes, Woakes and Buttler had been playing, NZ might still be batting.”
I know what you mean, though Crawley, Root, Pope and Lawrence in particular can score very quickly. I’d say it was riskier than most declarations.
15th over: England 29-0 (Burns 16, Sibley 9) Sibley plays a loose stroke and is beaten by de Grandhomme. A maiden. England are a fifth of the way to safety: 15 overs down, a maximum (realistically) of 60 to go.
“Hiya Rob,” says Rob Little. “Re: the 13th over, does defleated = defeated + deflated? Excellent new verbiage if so.”
You know you’re in trouble when typos are your best bits.
14th over: England 29-0 (Burns 16, Sibley 9) After all those maidens at the start of the innings, Jamieson is now going round the park. He concedes FIVE runs from his seventh over, which gives him figures of 7-5-6-0.
“Well done to NZ for keeping this game alive and going for the win while risking a loss but I would add that this is the second time in 2021 that a team has adopted this tactic,” says Deepak. “I refer to the Gabba Test where India went for the win when a draw was all that was needed to retain the B-G Trophy. Test cricket is stronger as a result!”
That’s true, although the circumstances were slightly different as India were batting last and Australia had more reason to take a risk with their declaration than New Zealand today. But I do agree that there is a new generation of players - hello Rishabh - who see opportunities rather than risks.
13th over: England 24-0 (Burns 15, Sibley 5) Burns softens his hands to steer de Grandhomme to the third-man boundary. New Zealand could use the impetus of a wicket; they’re starting to look a little defleated.
12th over: England 20-0 (Burns 11, Sibley 5) Jamieson spears an errant delivery past first slip for four byes. As with Robinson earlier in the day, I’m surprised that wasn’t called wide. With the batters looking more comfortable, Jamieson tries something different by moving round the wicket to Burns, and hits him high on the back leg with an excellent delivery. Burns tucks the last ball off the pads for a single, which ends Jamieson’s run of maidens. Instead he has the lamentable figures of 6-5-1-0.
11th over: England 15-0 (Burns 10, Sibley 5) Colin de Grandhomme replaces Southee, and Sibley survives a run-out referral from his first ball after being sent back by Burns. It was pretty tight, and he had to dive, but he made it.
“It was Kane and NZ’s acceptance of the World Cup final result that saved the day from being poisoned and a now unpleasant memory,” says Jon Salisbury. “Certain other teams would still be in denial.”
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10th over: England 14-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 5) After a torrid start, Sibley is starting to look more comfortable at the crease. He plays out another maiden from Jamieson without alarm. Jamieson has figures of 5-5-0-0, coincidentally my go-to formation for the big European away games on Championship Manager 01-02.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “To return to the theme you started the Test with on Wednesday, New Zealand surely must be the most likeable team in world cricket, maybe even all sports. Their reaction to defeat in the World Cup final at Lord’s two years ago still to this day makes me proud to share the planet with people like them. I’m sure it will be no different whatever happens against India in the final of the World Test Championship. I think that’s enough patronising for one email?”
It’s really bloomin’ hard not to unintentionally patronise them, isn’t it.
9th over: England 14-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 5) England’s path to an unlikely victory is probably to bat in a bubble until tea and then assess whether it’s worth risking defeat in an attempt to win. Surprisingly, the bookies have England at 8/1 and New Zealand at 7/1, with the draw 1/5. I think New Zealand have a much better chance than that, though the draw is favourite.
“Dear Rob,” says Neil Clarke. “I wonder if you or your readers can suggest a cricket charity to commemorate the passing on Friday, of my good (and quirky) friend Pete N-H? The more unusual and niche, the better! He was an active and enthusiastic club cricketer until his recent illness along with being a committed Warwickshire fan.”
I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m sure the readers will have a few ideas but the Lord’s Taverners is always a good option.
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8th over: England 13-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 4) In New Zealand’s last Test on this ground, a classic in 2015, they were bowled out in 67.3 overs on the last day. Five of their XI played in that match, so they know it can be done, although they had already lost three wickets by this stage of their innings. Jamieson bowls his fourth consecutive maiden, though it wasn’t as good as the previous three - Burns was able to leave most of the deliveries.
“A declaration with the word’s other meaning from NZ, a declaration of their sporting intent,” says Garry Sharp. “ I guess we are so used to Root dragging things out over the last few years (‘when will he declare?!’ ‘Why is he exposing his fast bowlers to injury with the bat when he should declare’, etc) that this approach to the game comes as a lovely surprise.”
I’m not a great fan of Root’s captaincy but in his defence, most Test captains are pretty cautious when it comes to declarations.
7th over: England 13-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 4) Sibley drives Southee to mid-off and considers a Red Bull single before rightly deciding better of it. Southee beats him with a gorgeous outswinger, and then Sibley finally gets off the mark - and a pair - by working his 20th delivery to the square-leg boundary. Good shot.
“I wonder if Kane Williamson actually realises what a top guy he is,” says Brian Withington. “I’m still amazed at how graciously he accepted the World Cup final ‘defeat’.”
I suppose if he realised he was a top guy, he wouldn’t be one.
6th over: England 9-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 0) Jamieson has Burns in his sights for the first time, and beats him with a beauty. It’s another maiden, the third in a row for Jamieson. If it doesn’t rain, England could have a job on to save this match.
“Well done to Kane Williamson for giving England the chance to win, or lose!” says Jim Hornby. “In my opinion draws are a stain on the sport of cricket, and something English mentality particularly suffers from. Better to draw than to lose? Too often that means taking away any risk or excitement. To win should mean that either the batting or bowling side excels in their role. To draw should be a consequence of both excelling equally, not as a planned outcome for fear of losing.”
You are the great-grandson of Keith Miller and I claim my five pounds.
5th over: England 9-0 (Burns 9, Sibley 0) That ball from Jamieson actually hit Sibley just below the elbow, not on the glove. That really is nobody’s idea of a good time, especially when the bowler is 6ft 8ins. Sibley is fine to continue, though not yet to get off a pair. He has 0 from 15 balls.
4th over: England 8-0 (Burns 8, Sibley 0) Sibley, still on a pair, skims a drive along the floor to gully. Jamieson is probing relentlessly outside off stump and beats Sibley with a lovely delivery that bursts off the seam. The last ball of a majestic over goes the other way and raps Sibley on the glove.
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3rd over: England 8-0 (Burns 8, Sibley 0) Southee moves round the wicket to Burns, with two slips and two men in the gully. Burns gets his second boundary with a sweetly timed push-drive through mid-on.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Theo. “All four results eh? Someone’s gunning for a tie. I was thinking how close we’ve come to someone carrying the bat in this game, not once but twice. Has it ever happened multiple times in a game? And will it be Dom or Rory who takes us through today?”
I’m pretty sure it has happened in first-class cricket, but not in an international game.
2nd over: England 4-0 (Burns 4, Sibley 0) A nervous moment for Dom Sibley, who is on a pair and edges Kyle Jamieson on the bounce to first slip. His hands were soft enough to ensure it didn’t carry. It’s an excellent first over from Jamieson, with every delivery challenging Sibley’s judgement of whether to play or leave.
“Love the declaration,” says Neill Brown. “I wonder how much Williamson was influenced by Stokes’ absence? I suppose Ollie Robinson could play the Stokes role and become a national hero in the process?”
Not just Stokes but Buttler too. It’s an awkward pitch and I’ll be surprised if England get anywhere near the target.
1st over: England 4-0 (Burns 4, Sibley 0) Immediate swing for Southee, which is just what New Zealand wanted, and Burns has a moment of fortune when a leading edge flies along the ground for four.
I don’t know about you, but I feel energised by that declaration. All four results are back on, with a New Zealand win looking much more likely than it did this morning.
New Zealand have declared
Blimey, I didn’t expect this. It’s an adventurous decision from Kane Williamson, and means England need 273 in 75 overs. It’s on!
So, what do we think for the declaration? Five more overs at run a ball would allow them to set a target of 306 in 68 overs, which should give them immunity against defeat.
Play will resume at 1.26pm, it says here.
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Lunch (rain stops play)
52.3 overs: New Zealand 169-6 (Watling 15, de Grandhomme 9) de Grandhomme pulls Anderson up and over for four. With New Zealand in one-day mode, I’m surprised England aren’t using their only white-ball bowler, Mark Wood. Not that it matters for now because the rain is getting heavier and the umpires have decided to take an early lunch.
New Zealand have a handy lead of 272, and there are a maximum of 75.3 overs remaining (minus two for the change of innings). They could still win this.
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52nd over: New Zealand 162-6 (Watling 15, de Grandhomme 2) The new batter Colin de Grandhomme gets off a pair by whapping a full toss for a single. New Zealand lead by 265.
“Good morning Rob,” says Adam Roberts. “Your mention of Stuart B on Courtney Walsh’s knee immediately put me in mind of one of my favourite photos. My very young daughter, all golden curls and cherubic features, sitting on Michael Holding’s knee - completely oblivious to who he is - attacking him with a giant foam finger.
“Which ties in nicely with today. Unexpectedly awake from 4am. I made the most of it by switching on the cricket at 5. First up is the mellifluous voice of Mikey H, explaining his late arrival at the Test because of the problems of getting out of Cayman to the UK (he had to fly through the States) - something my family is currently struggling with.”
WICKET! New Zealand 159-6 (Nicholls c Burns b Root 23)
Henry Nicholls walks. He missed a reverse sweep at Root and gloved the ball into the off side, where Burns ran forward from slip and swooped to take a fine low catch.
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51st over: New Zealand 159-5 (Nicholls 23, Watling 14) Some light rain is falling at Lord’s. Play continues for now, though the umpires could decide to take an early lunch.
“Is it just me,” says Mark Steward, “or does Ollie Robinson look like the secret lovechild of Freddie Flintoff and Steve Harmison?”
He reminds me more of Harmison when he bats, though he’s obviously more accomplished. I suppose there are many worse lovechildren to resemble.
50th over: New Zealand 157-5 (Nicholls 22, Watling 13) Root hurries through another over, and why not.
49th over: New Zealand 156-5 (Nicholls 22, Watling 12) Watling edges Anderson for four, which takes New Zealand’s lead to 259. There are still a maximum of 79 overs remaining; I’d imagine they will given England a target of around 310 in 67 overs.
48th over: New Zealand 151-5 (Nicholls 22, Watling 7) Root continues. Nicholls swipes him over mid-on for four and then misses a huge slog-sweep. Had he connected with that, no outdoor brunch on St John’s Wood High Street would have been safe. New Zealand lead by 254, and I’m starting to wonder whether England are sleepwalking into a horror movie.
47th over: New Zealand 144-5 (Nicholls 16, Watling 6) Or maybe Root came on so that Anderson can change ends, which is what he has just done. One from the over.
“Finding the endless moaning about over rates on telly and radio increasingly irritating,” says Andy Moore. “Why can’t we just accept that in the modern game bowling 15 overs per hour isn’t feasible (what with reviews, drinks breaks etc)? Is there any other sport that places more importance in the time of day than the amount of play to be completed? Looking forward to the Ryder Cup concluding at 6pm sharp with America 1/2 point ahead and Justin Rose 4 up with 5 to play. Really grinds my gears.”
I can see both sides of this argument. I find it hard to angry about slow over-rates, but then I haven’t paid however much to get into the ground. Your point is a good one, that there are more natural interruptions nowadays, concussion checks and the like, but equally 12 overs an hour is pushing it. Maybe 14 per hour is a more realistic target, I don’t know.
46th over: New Zealand 142-5 (Nicholls 15, Watling 5) Joe Root replaces Anderson, perhaps with England’s inadequate over-rate in mind. Five from the over.
“In cryptic crossword circles, the process which you just have described about de Stael (ie divining the existence of something highbrow from something distinctly lowbrow) is known as ‘Ninja Turtling’,” says Tom Adam. “It stems from, ‘Of course I’ve heard of Donatello. He’s the one with the purple mask.’”
That’s a good phrase, I hadn’t heard of that. Also, David Chase would like to discuss your description of the Sopranos as ‘distinctly lowbrow’. It’s okay, he’s in a good mood.
45th over: New Zealand 137-5 (Nicholls 11, Watling 4) I thought they might promote Colin de Grandhomme for some bish-bosh, but BJ Watling is the new batter, and he gets going with an emphatic cut for four. That was a useful cameo from Taylor: 33 from 35 balls with one four, two sixes and a comprehensive range of fresh-air shots.
“Kudos to Michael Keane for not venting spleen on anyone else (the pandemic aside) for his mis-ticketing episode,” says Ian Copestake. “I wish him a very tasty lunch.”
I hope it’s not egg and bacon.
WICKET! New Zealand 133-5 (Taylor c Bracey b Wood 33)
Ross Taylor’s eccentric innings comes to an end. He chases a deliberately wide delivery from Wood and snicks it through to Bracey, who takes a nice low catch to his right.
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44th over: New Zealand 132-4 (Taylor 33, Nicholls 10) Jimmy Anderson comes on for Stuart Broad, and Taylor survives a very good-looking LBW shout. The umpire Michael Gough thought there was an inside edge, but the two noises were actually the ball hitting both pads. England have wasted all three of their reviews; had they been able to go upstairs, Taylor would have been out.
“Just re-emerging from your Cricinfo link/wormhole in the 34th over,” says Jim Crane. “That 1989 Australia tour itinerary - madon! Six Tests, visits to all the counties, and then casually rounding it off with two bilateral series against Netherlands and Denmark! Imagine rocking up to an ICC board meeting in 2021 with that proposal.”
It’s great isn’t it. They played a county game the day after they regained the Ashes, and the stand-in captain Geoff Marsh chose to bat first on a green mamba because, in his words, “the boys are all still pissed”.
43rd over: New Zealand 126-4 (Taylor 30, Nicholls 7) An extraordinary shot from Ross Taylor, who slogs across the line at Wood and top edges the ball high over third man for six. Taylor is so dangerous that, despite middling almost nothing, he has raced to 30 from 31 balls.
“Morning Rob,” says Michael Keane. “I’m heading home from Lord’s where, on arrival at the Grace Gate, it transpired that my ticket was for yesterday. Woe is me. As a newly minted member I had thought my days of ticket tragedies were over. But for now even those of us bedecked in egg and bacon need to book a seat. Bloody global pandemic... Looks like it’s the OBO and TMS for me today then. Maybe I’ll make lunch for my better half or something. Feck.”
This is mildly heartbreaking, and extremely funny. (I say that as the kind of airhead who does things like this all the time.)
42nd over: New Zealand 118-4 (Taylor 23, Nicholls 6) Nicholls goes into one-day mode, walking down the pitch to slice Broad high over the slips for four. Broad replies with another big inswinger - too big, this time, as it veers away for four leg byes. New Zealand have scored 56 from 12 overs this morning; they lead by 221.
“If Friedrich Nietzsche was on comms,” says Ian Copestake, his eyebrows unintentionally betraying the extent of that if, “Zak Crawley’s cover drive would be a cue for his line that, ‘Art is the supreme task and the truly metaphysical activity in this life.’”
41st over: New Zealand 109-4 (Taylor 23, Nicholls 1) Mark Wood replaces Ollie Robinson (14-5-26-3) and beats Taylor with the first and last deliveries of the over. Two runs from it.
“The 2000 Code of the Laws of Cricket was the first to use ‘fielder’, instead of ‘fieldsman’,” says Alan Tuffery.
That’s interesting; I expected it to be much earlier than that.
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40th over: New Zealand 107-4 (Taylor 22, Nicholls 1) That’s Broad’s 518th Test wicket, which puts him one behind Courtney Walsh, the man whose lap Broad used to sit on when he was a kid. Imagine the eight-year-old Broad’s face if you told him they would both end up with 500 Test wickets.
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WICKET! New Zealand 105-4 (Latham LBW b Broad 36)
After a mildly scandalous amount of misfortune, Stuart Broad finally gets his first wicket of the match in his 38th over. Latham, beaten the ball before, is hit on the back leg by a big inswinger bowled from wider on the crease. Michael Gough gives it out and, though Latham reviews, it’s hitting enough of leg stump for the original decision to stand.
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39th over: New Zealand 106-3 (Latham 36, Taylor 22) Taylor misses another disgusting mow across the line at Robinson. But then he finally nails the shot, pinging Robinson over midwicket for a huge six. He is always dangerous, even when his bat seems to have no middle.
“Hi Rob,” says Pete Salmon. “Who remembers The Professionals? We’ve been watching Bodie and Doyle at ours as our lockdown treat – just started the final series and already mourning getting to the end. Two very nice moments for OBOers recently. One, Bodie playing club cricket, moving rapidly through the nineties with a series of pull shots, and then getting bowled for 97 after being distracted by a call to duty (followed by getting changed out of his whites in the back of a speeding car, as we’ve all done at some stage). And then in last night’s episode, Doyle having to pretend he’s an intellectual. Bodie: ‘Can you keep the patter up?’ Doyle: ‘Of course, I read the Guardian.’”
I’m now desperate to know what Arthur Daley made of our esteemed rag.
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38th over: New Zealand 97-3 (Latham 35, Taylor 14) “Excellent Guardianista preamble reference to the French-Swiss Anne Louise Germaine de Staël-Holstein,” says Brian Withington. “She almost invented the Guardian strap line with the phrase ‘Search for the truth is the noblest occupation of man; its publication is a duty’. Apparently she is also quoted as saying, ‘The more I see of man, the more I like dogs’, so something for [redacted] readers, too.”
While I’d love to flaunt my education, and perhaps explore what Nietzsche’s philosophy can tell us about Zak Crawley’s cover drive, I only know the Madade de Staël quote because Meadow mentions it in the Sopranos.
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37th over: New Zealand 93-3 (Latham 34, Taylor 11) Taylor doesn’t look remotely comfortable against Robinson. He is beaten outside off stump, edges short of the slips and then hacks desperately across the line for a couple of runs. Robinson smiles at Taylor with contempt and then has a big LBW appeal turned down when Taylor misses another smear. England was their last review - it hit him miles outside off stump. That wasn’t great captaincy from Joe Root. But it was a brilliant over from Robinson, which concludes with another play and miss by Taylor
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36th over: New Zealand 91-3 (Latham 34, Taylor 8) “The last day of the match will not be so drab if Ross Taylor and Colin de Grandhomme can come in and smash Anderson and co. to make a hundred-odd runs in 90 minutes,” writes Gangesh. “Chasing 300-plus in 70 overs will enthuse England, and their aggression could provide the Kiwi bowlers opportunities. So that’s a possibility Kane Williamson can explore to inject some interest in the game - provided, of course, the notorious English weather stays fine!”
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35th over: New Zealand 87-3 (Latham 33, Taylor 6) England would love to get Taylor early as he is somebody who can score quickly, as he shows with a cracking extra cover drive for four later. Robinson pulls his length back as a result and rips one past the edge. Lovely response.
“Has anyone seen a split screen of Ollie Robinson and Josh Hazlewood bowling?” says Gary Naylor. “The more I see of the Sussex bruiser, the more I think of the Australian err... bruiser.”
Hazlewood’s a bit quicker, isn’t he? But otherwise it’s an excellent comparison – forensic accuracy, sharp bounce, seam movement and a hint of malevolence.
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34th over: New Zealand 81-3 (Latham 32, Taylor 1) There’s an urgency to New Zealand’s batting that wasn’t evident last night, so perhaps my assumption of a draw was premature. I can think of one precedent in particular. But it’s really not easy to score quickly on this pitch. Broad beats Latham with a stunning delivery and then has him dropped by Crawley at midwicket, a sharp two-handed chance to his right. Broad has had no luck at all in this game.
“I can live with batter,” says Adrian Goldman. “What I can’t live with is that in science, sulfate is now the expected spelling, not sulphate. Beyond dismay: pretty much the end of civilisation as we know it.”
I’ll see your sulfate and raise you T20 scorecards that have dot balls instead of maidens. It’s cultural vandalism. What the hell is 2-4-12-1 supposed to mean?
33rd over: New Zealand 80-3 (Latham 32, Taylor 0) In the history of Test cricket there have been 3,054 debuts, but none quite look Ollie Robinson’s: 42 runs, seven cheap wickets and a public shaming. He loses his line at the end of the over, spearing a delivery down the leg side for four byes. James Bracey was pretty gutted that it wasn’t called a wide.
WICKET! New Zealand 74-3 (Wagner c Bracey b Robinson 10)
A third wicket for Ollie Robinson. Wagner, roughed up by a couple of good short balls, top-edged a hook miles in the air and was calmly caught by James Bracey.
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32nd over: New Zealand 72-2 (Latham 31, Wagner 10) Stuart Broad gets a chance to bowl at Neil Wagner, who dismissed him yesterday and celebrated with a red-faced flourish. Broad appeals for LBW first ball, but it was going down on the angle. Wagner then cracks two boundaries, a flash up and over the cordon and a majestic flick through midwicket. I’d love to hear Broad’s internal monologue right now.
“This fuss comes up regularly,” says John Starbuck. “’Batter’ is, agreed, both an Americanism (by way of the English invention of baseball) and a flour, milk and egg mixture. But think what might happen if we used ‘bowlsman’ as a standard. If we can do it with one essential element of cricket, we can do it with the other. Besides, look at the ambiguities of ‘pitch’ and ‘wicket’, which vary a lot depending on context. Language is meant to be fluid.”
Test Match Special overseas link
31st over: New Zealand 62-2 (Latham 30, Wagner 2) Ollie Robinson will open the bowling, a reward for his forensic excellence last night. He switches over and round the wicket to Latham, giving him precisely no opportunities to score. Thus, it’s a maiden.
“The OED has instances ‘batter’ being used in relation to cricket going back about 200 years, so it’s not like it’s without precedent,” says Andrew Cosgrove. “Also, you don’t talk about a ‘bowlsman’ do you? Anyway, do you think England are capable of batting out two sessions for a draw?”
I do, I do. A collapse wouldn’t shock me but I think it’s unlikely, especially as there are likely to be one of two rain interruptions.
This is a majestic piece from Andy Bull, with a particularly brilliant intro.
“I am becoming more & more dismayed by the use of the term ‘batter’ in cricket,” says Ben Carter. “All the commentators are doing it. The term is BATSMAN. Are you all coordinated by someone who tells you what to say?”
Yes, last month Mother Cricket gave her 475 children a collective brollocking for our sexist terminology. Seriously, though, with everything else that’s going on in the world right now, is a change of language designed to increase inclusivity really worthy of dismay? I can understand thinking it’s a bit heavy-handed, not that I’d necessarily agree, but dismay, I can’t have that.
Preamble
The draws are back in town. Today, all things being equal, England will draw their third consecutive Test at home for the first time since the late eighties. And though that’s mainly down to the weather, it also reflects a different approach and a greater resilience under Chris Silverwood. The Bayliss-era England might have thrown the towel in when they slipped to 140 for six; instead, Rory Burns and Ollie Robinson (with bat and ball) stalled New Zealand’s momentum to such an extent that they finished the day crawling along at two an over.
New Zealand will resume on 62 for two, a lead of 165. With a maximum of 98 overs to bowl, they could still force victory on a pitch is becoming more uneven. But with a forecast for showers – of the meteorological rather than the middle-order kind – that looks unlikely. Madame de Stael said that one must choose in life between boredom and suffering. England politely request a boring last day.
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