Ireland’s fans stayed put at Murrayfield, in the hope of France doing them a favour. And they’ve being rewarded for their patience, their team lifting the 2015 Six Nations trophy in the Edinburgh gloaming! Jamie Heaslip gets his hands on it first. And that’s kind of apt, because it was Heaslip who got his hands on Stuart Hogg right at the end of Ireland’s final match, forcing the Scotland winger to drop the ball instead of touching down for a try! What a difference a converted try would have made. The thin line between success and failure for the Irish and the English! A lot of skipping and dancing going on at Murrayfield right now; quite a bit of depressed trudging at Twickenham. But what a Six Nations this has been. What a final round! Just the 221 points today, then. Roll on the World Cup!
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Full-time nerve soother: Another delicious Calming Pint, yours to cut out and enjoy. This one’s on the Guardian too.
FULL TIME: England 55-35 France
What a brilliant performance by England. What a brilliant performance by France, for that matter, but especially by England. They trudge off the field with faces on, and no wonder: they’ve come up six points short, and IRELAND ARE THE 2015 SIX NATIONS CHAMPIONS! England come second, six points shy, with Wales a further four points behind in third. That was ... that was ... that was top-level sport at its very, very best. Commiserations to England, who can be very proud of their efforts tonight nonetheless. And congratulations to Ireland!
80 min: But it’s a penalty to France! And after some astonishing faffing - with the French ludicrously shuttling the ball inside instead of kicking to touch, and nearly losing it in front of the posts - the ball’s dispatched to the stands! One of the most amazing games in Five and Six Nations history is over!
79 min 50 sec: Robshaw plucks the line out from the sky! England set up the drive! And go for the line! Can they push over for one last hurrah?
79 min 20 sec: France collapse the scrum! And Ford has to gamble, whipping the penalty out of play by the left-hand corner flag.
79 min: France are being pushed back into their own 22. England fling the passes around. But Cipriani slides out of play on the left. A time out’s been called, with one minute and 14 seconds to go. France have the put-in at the restart, so the odds are firmly against England getting the try they so desperately desire. But you never know. Not in this astonishing match. Is there one last twist?
78 min: This is preposterous. Kockott goes on a speedy sashay down the middle of the park, and nearly breaks clear to score! But he’s held up, and soon enough England have a penalty decision. A chance to cream a ball upfield, out on the right! This is crazy! Utter bedlam at Twickenham!
CONVERSION. England 55-35 France (Ford)
76 min: It’s over! And it’s on!
TRY! England 53-35 France (Nowell 75)
The ball’s shuttled out to the left. Ford delays a pass, dummies, and feeds Nowell, who bursts over. The dream isn’t over yet, because if Ford’s kick goes over, they just need a converted try to snatch the Six Nations title from Ireland!
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74 min: France clear their lines. The game flies up the other end. France prepare to launch an attack, but Dusautoir fails to anticipate a pass and lets the ball clank off his confused coupon. A knock on, and England are able to eat up the yards with a kick down the left. A couple of phases later, and England have the put-in at a scrum, six metres from the French tryline.
71 min: A few phases for England in the French half, but the away side are holding firm right now, and not making any costly disciplinary mistakes.
69 min: But with time running out, you can’t afford to let the opposition steal the line-out. England’s desperation is beginning to betray them. Ah hold on, what am I talking about? That started happening after about 15 minutes!
67 min: No conversion. England need 13 points. And they’re back to their full complement of 15 men.
TRY! England 48-35 France (Kayser 66)
France go straight up the other end and score. An offside decision gives them chance to make ground. Then a drive down the left flank. And it’s the 11th try of the afternoon, as Kayser powers over.
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TRY! England 48-30 France (Ford)
Two points, no bother. And now all they need are eight.
TRY! England 46-30 France (Vunipola 64)
Vunipola picks up the ball and hoists himself over the line from a couple of yards. A suggestion that he dropped the ball instead of grounding it, but having flopped his big frame over the ball, the referee gives the try. This is one of the craziest sporting events in living memory. England are within ten points of their Six Nations dream again!
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63 min: Cipriani comes on for Watson. A line-out - and France have too many men in it! Chance for England to launch an attack on the tryline! A couple of phases. England set themselves in front of the post. France hold England up, centimetres short of the line. But then ...
62 min: An immediate response by England, who goes upfield. Penalty for England, as Maestri goes off his feet. Too far out to kick, so Ford looks for the corner.
61 min: That’s Debaty’s last act of the game. He’s hooked for Atonio. Kockott can’t convert from a tight spot on the left touchline.
TRY! England 41-30 France (Debaty 60)
But they turn the screw on the 14 men now! A few passes shuttled out to the left wing, and suddenly Nakaitaci is tearing down the left wing. He glides inside, drawing a few white shirts, and slips the ball to the big Debaty, who has done outstandingly well to keep up, and powers over in the corner!
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59 min: From a French lineout, Robshaw grabs possession at the back of it, and very nearly tears clear into the opposition half! He’s caught by a desperate Dusautoir tackle. France aren’t making much of their one-man advantage, that’s for sure, because Brown bursts down the left. A little grubber kick to see if he can feed Nowell in for a try at the corner. But an unkind bounce, and it’s out of play. France to get things moving again at the 22.
Yellow card for James Haskell!
57 min: Haskell comes sliding in on Plisson. It’s a slide tackle in the John Terry soccer style! He hangs out a leg. Deliberately. That’ll be ten minutes in the sinbin. No arguments.
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CONVERSION. England 41-25 (Ford)
55 min: Ford makes no mistake, from a tight position on the left. What a fine kick under pressure. Sixteen points down. Just the ten to go. Cats, dogs and goats have been added to John Hill’s bag of mad frogs (49 min). It’s quite the menagerie.
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TRY. England 39-25 France (Nowell 54)
The ball down the left. Young, then Ford, fling the ball to Nowell, tight on the touchline. He drops a shoulder to move inside, slips through a couple of weak tackles, and he’s over for the try! The madness continues.
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PENALTY. England 34-25 France (Kockott 52)
Kockott nearly does a Plisson, his kick from 30 metres fading towards the left, but the ball clips the left-hand upright and through for the three points. Lucky Kockott. Or just good enough. Up to you.
51 min: England refuse to release the ball in the midfield, giving France the opportunity to cream a kick down field by the England 22 on the right. Chance for France to put together a couple of phases. England look to turn over, but they’ve poked their pinkies in a ruck. Penalty. Before it’s kicked - and it’ll be Kockott - France take a little time to regroup.
49 min: Tillous-Borde is replaced at scrum-half by Kockott. “If you put a load of rugby playing frogs in a bag, this is what it would look like,” opines John Hill.
CONVERSION. England 34-22 France
47 min: Ford adds the extra points. The home support crack out a lusty version of Swing Low. Is there any other kind?
TRY! England 32-22 France (Ford 46)
This was so simple. Youngs, in the middle of the park, spots a gap down the right of the French defence, bursts through it, and tears towards the tryline. He draws a couple of blue shirts, before passing to Ford on his inside. Ford crosses, and this crazy game keeps on keepin’ on!
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45 min: The teams trade kicks again. Brown flicks a pass to the left, where Nowell bursts down the wing. The ball’s shuttled to the other flank, Joseph threatening to tear into acres of space. But he’s crumped to the floor, and France turn over.
CONVERSION. England 27-22 France (Plisson)
44 min: Even the mercurial Plisson isn’t going to Gavin Hastings it from right in front of the posts. (Yes, 1991 still hurts.)
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TRY! England 27-20 France (Mermox 43)
But then suddenly the dam bursts. Guirado storms towards the posts. He’s felled by a crunching tackle, but flicks the ball behind him as he meets the turf. Mermox, on his right shoulder, picks the ball from the air and flies over the line. Twickenham silent. The dream takes an early battering.
42 min: France fling it around in the English 22. England very much on the back foot, and Twickers tense. France threatening the tryline. But England area holding them up well so far.
41 min: The teams exchange kicks. Ford puts his out on the full. Brown rollocks and bollocks him. The unique tension of the business end of the Six Nations in full effect already.
And we’re off again! England get the ball spinning once more. They need to score another 14 points without reply to win the 2015 Six Nations. Good luck in guessing what’s going to happen here, because England started and finished that half very strongly, but were a flaccid shambles in the middle. Same for France, only vice versa. The Six Nations is offering plenty of bang for your buck today: there have been 173 points scored already! I wonder what the odds are on the final 40 minutes ending 0-0.
Half-time nerve-soother: A delicious Calming Pint, yours to cut out and enjoy. This one’s on the Guardian!
PENALTY: England 27-15 France
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, was rugby union. Fourteen points required for England. But don’t rule out the French storming right back. That was wonderful bedlam.
PENALTY: England 27-15 France (Ford 40+2)
Nearly on the halfway line. Just to the right of the posts. No bother! What France would give for Ford.
40 min: Mermoz tugs at Joseph’s arm as the England flyer attempts to gather a high ball. Penalty, and a chance to go for goal just before the half-time whistle.
38 min: I mean, France were very nearly scampering in for a try down the left 30-odd seconds before Youngs crossed. This is rollicking fun! The beauty of sport, distilled, right here.
CONVERSION. England 24-15 France (Ford)
Ping. Through it goes. England were in tatters a few minutes ago, and now look! A nine-point lead, and dreams are now acceptable.
TRY! England 22-15 France (Youngs 36)
... Youngs bursts through the centre and between the sticks! Simple as that! What an astonishing game of rugby this is! Magnificent entertainment!
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35 min: Fickou charges down Ford’s kick in the middle of the park. A batter forward, and he’s nearly scampering in for a try down the left! But England flinkare immediately on the counter, through Joseph down the left. Burrell barrels on. England set themselves up on the French 22. France fail to release, and England have got penalty advantage. But they take a quick tap, and then ...
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33 min: A lot of possession for France in the midfield. They’re flinging it hither and yon in the 1991 style right now. Sixteen phases, until they get fed up and hoick a garryowen upfield.
CONVERSION. England 17-15 France (Ford)
31 min: Ford, tight on the right touchline, makes no mistake. A peach of a kick. No Plisson he. England lead this surreal, to-and-fro, joyful match once more, and can suddenly start dreaming their dreamy dreams again! Just the 24 points to go. Well, you predict the outcome!
TRY! England 15-15 France (Watson 30)
And suddenly England are level! Turnover ball in the middle of the park, and Youngs is tearing off down the right! He offloads to Ford, who cuts inside and is tackled. Haskell recovers, and flicks a lovely pass to the right for Watson, who crosses the line! That came out of nothing, and England, an utter shambles for 15 minutes or so, have hauled themselves level!
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29 min: And they do! Plisson’s having a shocker. Yet again, his effort drifts to the left of the target. France would be in a very comfortable position right now if their kicker was on his game.
28 min: Huget takes down a high ball, giving France good territory down the right. The ball’s shuttled inside, where Cole concedes a penalty for going off the tootsies. One step forward, one step back right now for England. They’ll be hoping Plisson’s kicking woes continue from 40 metres.
PENALTY. England 10-15 France (Ford 27)
A magnificent effort, always on target from the moment it left Ford’s boot.
26 min: France collapse a scrum. England will get a kick at goal from near the halfway line.
25 min: Lawes comes clattering into Plisson, whose neck whiplashes in the cartoon style. He’s all right, he’s all right. That’s the main thing. But was that a high tackle? Nope, says the video referee after a lot of faffing around. “So building on last week’s trip of forgetting how to pass, we’ve now added a spectacular ability to not tackle anyone,” writes Tom Fitzhugh. “In the second half, I assume we’ll forget which sport we’re playing altogether and come out of the tunnel carrying tennis rackets.”
24 min: A penalty for England, in their own half. Ford kicks to touch by the French 22, on the left. England back on the attack at last. They set themselves on the 22, in front of the posts, with options either side. But there’s a forward pass. Scrum, France with the put-in. The pressure off. The atmosphere at Twickenham is muted, partly as a result of depression, though a lot of people will be quietly pondering whether someone’s slipped an acid tab into their beer. This opening period has been distinctly trippy.
22 min: England can be thankful that Plisson’s kicking boots are made of lead. He’s just hoicked a simple penalty left of the posts. Relief for the hosts, who are already in all sorts of bother, but can’t be shipping any more points if they’re to retain hopes of winning this tournament.
21 min: France having pushed England back with yet another burst, the hosts collapse a scrum ten metres from their try line. Another penalty.
20 min: Now it’s England’s turn to be all over the shop! Twice within a minute, the thoroughly relieved Nakaitaci nearly breaks clear down the left. England are missing an awful lot of tackles in the midfield. Their Six Nations hopes are hanging by a thread. You’d have to wonder whether they’re already over. This match has been thoroughly surreal so far.
CONVERSION. England 7-15 France (Plisson)
19 min: The extra two points are no problem.
TRY! England 7-13 France (Nakaitaci 18)
Spedding pings a kick up the right wing and goes barrelling after it. He fetches it, too! With England on the back foot, France shuttle the ball wide left for Nakaitaci, who crosses the tryline! It’s a try. But, hold on, what’s happened here? Nakaitaci very nearly overruns the dead ball line. Ah, the ball goes down just before the line. Phew. But then look at this! Did he drop the ball before grounding? Nope, is the ruling, after a long session in the video booth. But that was very close. I wonder whether he was in the process of dropping the ball, but it didn’t leave his hand in time. Lucky France. Lucky Nakaitaci!
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15 min: Plisson can’t stroke the conversion between the sticks, however, from out on the left flank. It’s 27 points now, then. A good couple of minutes for Ireland, there.
TRY! England 7-8 France (Tillous-Borde 14)
Vunipola plays a loose pass, hitting Lawes on the shoulder. The ball’s plucked from the sky by a blue shirt, and suddenly Tillous-Borde, from the halfway line, is scampering down the left wing with nobody whatsoever near him! He runs half the length of the pitch, and there goes England’s fast start! Boum!
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13 min: France haven’t stopped panicking, though. Plisson’s kick upfield from deep is charged down brilliantly by Marler. Spedding does well to gather the loose ball in the France 22 and mop up.
PENALTY. England 7-3 France (Plisson 12)
Plisson makes no mistake, arrowing his kick from 30-odd yards straight between the sticks.
10 min: Ford refuses to release the ball, amid a melee in the middle of the English half. That’ll be a penalty for France. England can’t afford to offer up cheap point-scoring opportunities like this.
8 min: Room for France down their left. Mermoz very nearly breaks into space down by the 22, then cuts inside to hand the ball to Tillous-Borde. But he’s held up. The ball’s soon turned over, and England look to break upfield at speed. Joseph has plenty of green grass to scoot into, but the move breaks down with a knock-on. Slightly clumsy from England, who had France on the back foot there.
6 min: Ford takes the long penalty kick, in almost complete silence. He scuffs it pretty badly, the ball dying to the right of the posts, never going over. Not the perfect start for England, then, but my goodness they’d have taken this six minutes ago!
5 min: France are all over the shop. A scrum in the middle of the park, and they spin it round like a Catherine Wheel. England with the penalty, and surely they’ll opt to kick this, with every point precious.
CONVERSION: England 7-0 France (Ford)
3 min: Ford does what he has to do from a tight position on the right. Seven down, 19 to go!
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TRY! England 5-0 France (Youngs 2)
One minute and 29 seconds into the game, and what on earth were France doing? A misplaced forward pass in the middle of the park. Joseph scoots off down the right wing at pace. The ball’s shuttled on to Brown, who offloads to Ford, cutting inside. One last pass, and Youngs bursts over the line. What a start!
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As Swing Low, Sweet Chariot pings off the walls of Twickers, France get the match under way. So, 26 points, then. Can England manage it? Vunipola takes the first catch of the game. England look to break up the left, but passes don’t stick to hand. A knock on. Scrum to France. The players heave. The crowd heaves. What an atmosphere!
The teams are out! A cracking atmosphere at Twickenham, on account of everyone in the stands being paggered on refreshing boose. Sobriety out the window! Marvellous. England are playing in their pristine but soon-to-be-muddied white shirts, red rose in full bloom. France will be competing in their famous blue, le coq perched proudly on the chest. Time for the national anthems. Let’s be honest with ourselves, France win that one hands down.
England crave victory today. And they crave it for several reasons. In ascending order: it’s the Six Nations; it’s France; it’s France at Twickenham; it may well lead to the 2015 Six Nations title; it’ll propel them towards the 2015 World Cup, their World Cup, in good heart, whistling a jaunty tune, heels clicking, twirling a cane. Actually, you could put all of that in any order, couldn’t you.
As it’s the final game of the 2015 Six Nations, the maths are simple. Well, simple enough. Wales’s eight-try 61-20 victory in Italy had fired them to the top of the table, with a 16-point advantage over England. But they’ve since been supplanted by Ireland, who tonked the Scots 40-10 at Murrayfield; they hold a 10-point advantage over Wales, and 26 points over England. That means England need to beat France by 26 points to win the Six Nations. If they do that exactly, they’d win the title on tries scored, having already scored 11 to Ireland’s eight. Second place will be secured by a 16-point victory, but they’d need to cross the line twice if 16 is all they can manage, for Wales are up to 13 tries for the tournament.
The match itself: England are hot favourites to beat France today. They’ve underwhelmed at times during this Six Nations, but they were the most expansive team in the first four rounds nevertheless. They crossed the tryline 11 times in those four games, a bulging swagbag of booty compared to this morning’s title rivals. Before today’s matches, Wales had scored five and Ireland four. France, for the record, boast just the four as well, though they’re tight enough defensively, having conceded a mere two. They used to be the one northern hemisphere side to come with a cast-iron entertainment guarantee, France, flinging it about hither and yon in the improvisational style. Oh what have they done to you! Mon dieu, les Bleus!
But of course nothing is certain, which is why we all turn up. Yet another exciting Six Nations denouement gets underway at 5pm. It’s on!
England, who recall lock Geoff Parling, the only change from the Scotland stramash: M Brown (Harlequins); A Watson (Bath), J Joseph (Bath), L Burrell (Northampton), J Nowell (Exeter); G Ford (Bath), B Youngs (Leicester); J Marler (Harlequins), D Hartley (Northampton), D Cole (Leicester), G Parling (Leicester), C Lawes (Northampton), J Haskell (Wasps), C Robshaw (Harlequins, capt), B Vunipola (Saracens).
Replacements: T Youngs (Leicester), M Vunipola (Saracens), K Brookes (Newcastle), N Easter (Harlequins), T Wood (Northampton), R Wigglesworth (Saracens), D Cipriani (Sale), B Twelvetrees (Gloucester).
France, for whom Jules Plisson, impressive against Italy, will start at fly-half: S Spedding (Bayonne); Y Huget (Toulouse), G Fickou (Toulouse), M Mermoz (Toulon), N Nakaitaci (Clermont); J Plisson (Stade Francais), S Tillous-Borde (Toulon); V Debaty (Clermont), G Guirado (Toulon), N Mas (Montpellier), A Flanquart (Stade Francais), Y Maestri (Toulouse), T Dusautoir (Toulouse, captain), B Le Roux (Racing Metro), L Goujon (La Rochelle).
Replacements: B Kayser (Clermont), R Slimani (Stade Francais), U Atonio (La Rochelle), R Taofifenua (Toulon), D Chouly (Clermont), R Kockott (Castres), R Tales (Castres), M Bastareaud (Toulon).
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