Well, that was mad, wasn’t it? If 2005 was a series for a starved generation, an epic to compete with the most golden of eras, 2015 was a tall tale, reconnecting us with a more baroque age. Wild and eccentric, it will sit forever alongside cricket’s strangest folk stories – happy proof that however professional the game has become, Test cricket remains as inimitable and unpredictable as it was 100 years ago. So, while we begin to celebrate the most bizarre Ashes series in living memory, let’s consider what else it has taught us …
1 There’s something about a redhead
Sure, Stuart Broad and Steven Finn may be the players who can claim to have turned the tide of this Ashes series for England. But it’s Joe Root and Ben Stokes who are the most exciting characters in the England team right now. Lively, funny, with just a dash of crazy, they’re the pair whose mischievous talent constantly causes trouble for the opposition. Dare it be said that they’re a more functional version of KP and Freddie?
2 Highlights shows can be a bitch
Pity the pundits telling us confidently, on Channel 5 at 7pm on the first day of the Lord’s Test, that this was a great toss for Alastair Cook to lose. When Australia were 337 for one.
3 Umpires give each other pep talks
Something we’d never have known if the TV feed from DRS decisions hadn’t started including audio. The technology might cause friction for the players, but it’s all encouragement from the third umpires to their onfield counterparts. “Well done, Marais.” “Good decision, Aleem.” And, occasionally, the delightfully awkward: “Kumar, it’s pitching outside leg … I’m going to recommend you change your decision.”
4 Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Give a man a three-day finish, and he’ll happily drink rum at noon
Especially if his name is Ottis Gibson.
5 It’s possible for an entire nation to suffer amnesia in the aftermath of a major trauma
Scientists and psychologists are now researching the phenomenon they call “The Lord’s Effect” in an attempt to understand how England fans wiped the disaster of the second Test from their memory so quickly. Brain scans have shown that most England fans remember nothing between the Cardiff and Edgbaston Tests, and several subjects watching Steve Smith’s century at the Kia Oval were heard to murmur: “Well, he needed a big score, didn’t he?” Happily, a cure has already been found: England players found they were able to prompt memories of their earlier batting collapses by repeating them in the final Test.
6 It’s really important not to schedule anything for the first half-hour of a Test match
7 No one knows what to do about England’s opening partnership
The pundits and the home fans seem tacitly to accept Adam Lyth’s failures as the price of a balanced middle-order. Even the Yorkshireman looks on at his continued residency with a disbelieving fatalism, the shake of his head just a little more scripted each time he gets out. The problem is that there just aren’t any viable alternatives. Which means we’re going to end up with Jeremy Corbyn coming out at No2.
8 Ian Healy may want to take some advice from Dr Seuss on how to be an uncle
It’s one thing being a straight-talking wickie who wouldn’t have let his wife anywhere near his Test match preparation. It’s quite another blaming Ashes defeat on the Australians’ wives and girlfriends when one of them is your own niece. It’s even more rich when Alyssa Healy – Mitchell Starc’s girlfriend – is arguably the best batsman Australia have on this Ashes tour.
9 Forget pink balls and night cricket, the most important trial to take place was in the field of umpires’ hatbands
This summer they diverged from their traditional undertakers’ black, and at one stage Aleem Dar and Sundaram Ravi sported snazzy orange and blue numbers. We can only assume that they were mistaken for Luton Town supporters, as by The Oval the experiment had been abandoned and they were back in black.
10 Twenty20 didn’t kill Test cricket
It just made it even more interesting.
