JÜRGEN KLINSMANN, USA, German, 7-2
Optimist Was the catalyst for the revolution in German football when his young, likable side reached the World Cup semi-finals in 2006. Smart and effortlessly charming, he has already won the English public over once as a player. Pessimist He’s German which, in the current climate, may not be entirely conducive to uniting the country. The number of USA fans desperate for him to take the England job suggests there might not be that much substance behind those immaculately pressed shirts.
GLENN HODDLE, unattached, English, 11-2
Optimist The best of both worlds: an English coach with a continental approach. Hoddle reads a game like he has written it, has experience of the job – and the endorsement of Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Harry Redknapp must count for something. Pessimist Why don’t we just dig up Sir Walter Winterbottom? The last time Hoddle was a manager, Wayne Rooney was a 20-year-old with a natural head of hair. Struggled with man-management even before the Washbag Generation and he’ll break Twitter if he puts his foot in his mouth again.
SAM ALLARDYCE, Sunderland, English, 8-1
The optimist’s view Reportedly the choice of Sir Alex Ferguson, who knows a thing or two about management. Allardyce has overachieved to a remarkable extent throughout his career and with access to better players would adapt his tactics as he did at Bolton.
The pessimist’s view Reportedly the choice of Sir Alex Ferguson and we know how good he is at picking managers. Have you ever dreamed of a strikeforce of Andy Carroll and Jermain Defoe? No, nor have we.
LAURENT BLANC, unattached, French, 12-1
Optimist A natural coach who quietly cleaned up a far bigger mess when he became France manager in 2010. He is urbane, available, knows English football and has a spectacular CV as a player and a manager. Pessimist Winning Ligue 1 with PSG is about as worthy as remembering your own name after two pints. They failed consistently in Europe and his France team couldn’t even beat Roy Hodgson’s England at Euro 2012.
EDDIE HOWE, Bournemouth, English, 12-1
Optimist A fresh face for (yet another) fresh era, Howe is easily England’s most impressive young manager. He is eloquent, routinely walks on water in Bournemouth and believes in fast, attacking football. Pessimist More like Eddie Who? Does not yet have the profile or experience to manage the elephantine egos in the England squad. Giving him the job at such a young age could ruin a potentially great coaching career (see Hoddle, Glenn).
ARSÈNE WENGER, Arsenal, French, 12-1
Optimist He started his work in England by changing the DNA of Arsenal, so who better to change the DNA of the England team? His teams play beautiful football, he is used to winning at Wembley and he’s 66 years old. Could that be an omen? Pessimist No, it couldn’t but it does mean he’s past it. It’s 2016, not 2004 and England don’t need any help when it comes to specialising in failure. Wenger is bad enough when he can buy any defender in the world; imagine the mess if he inherited Gary Cahill and Chris Smalling.
ALAN PARDEW, Crystal Palace, English, 20-1
Optimist Has plenty of experience of a big job with unrealistic expectations, and Newcastle’s thundering decline since his departure reflects well on him. Pardew is generally a very good man-manager, which is easily the most important part of a national manager’s job. Pessimist Tournaments are played in the second half of the season, when Pardew’s teams tend to fall off a cliff, and he’ll traumatise a nation if he starts busting a groove on the touchline to celebrate a last-minute equaliser at home to Malta.
CLAUDIO RANIERI, Leicester, Italian, 25-1
Optimist After last week’s misery, English football could do with a bit of dilly ding, dilly dong. Ranieri would instantly restore a feelgood mood and is a far better coach than people realise, even after Leicester’s miracle. Pessimist He’s got a great international record, hasn’t he? Four games in charge of Greece, including a defeat at home to the Faroe Islands, before he got the sack. You wouldn’t wish the England job on your worst enemy, never mind one of the good guys like Ranieri.
SLAVEN BILIC, West Ham, Croatian, 33-1
Optimist The star of Euro 2016 in this country and he was only a pundit. Charismatic, tough, intelligent, witty, Bilic is a bouncer with an IQ of 150. If he said jump, you’d intuitively know how high. The closest candidate on the apparent shortlist to rugby’s no-nonsense Eddie Jones. Pessimist Theo Walcott once scored a hat-trick against his Croatia team. Just let that marinate for a second. Also believes in a thing called Andy Carroll and for all his charm as a manager he has won the square root of bugger all.
DAVID MOYES, unattached, Scottish, 40-1
Optimist England could be the Everton of international football, a team living off former glories and in the shadow of a more successful neighbour and Moyes was easily the most successful Everton manager of the last 25 years. A pair of hands so safe they should be sponsored by Durex. Pessimist He’s the Scottish Roy Hodgson: an excellent manager of middling teams who is out of his depth when he goes up a level. And he’d ban oven chips.
DAVID BECKHAM, unattached, English, wildcard
Optimist Other countries have had great success appointing a legendary player with no coaching experience, especially Germany. Beckham is intensely patriotic, is statesman-like and has experience of playing in five major leagues. OK, four plus MLS. Pessimist Not even Beckham’s balls are sufficiently golden to pull this one off. He has no coaching experience apart from showing a few kids how to kick straight on Sky Sports. And Wembley doesn’t have its own catwalk.
LARS LAGERBACK, Iceland, Swedish, wildcard
Optimist Managers often sign players who do well against their team, so why shouldn’t CEOs do the same? Lagerback has never lost to England in seven matches and is a specialist in overachievement. Pessimist Let’s just naturalise the whole Iceland team while we’re at it. Lagerback is 68 in a fortnight and has never managed a major team or country. If that doesn’t rule him out, the fact he appears to be of entirely sound mind means he would have no interest in the England job whatsoever.
