SUB-THUMPING
In a global exclusive and at the end of an extensive worldwide investigation, The Fiver can today confirm that we have tracked down England’s missing substitutions board, bringing to an end the intense speculation that surrounded its unexpected disappearance from the Stadion Narodowy. Poland made five second-half substitutions in Wednesday’s 1-1 Human Rights World Cup qualifying draw, while England opted not to use any of the 11 players populating their bench. And in the game’s final moments it was one of the players introduced by the Poles, Damian Szymanski, who leapt skywards using his fresh substitutional legs to beat the fatigued Luke Shaw to the ball and power a stoppage-time header past Jordan Pickford’s weary shrug and into the corner of the net.
By Thursday afternoon, The Fiver located England’s substitutions board in Warsaw, where it condemned Gareth Southgate’s repressive regime. “The way us substitutions boards are treated at the moment is an absolute disgrace,” said Brian (not its real name). “We are ignored, sidelined. We don’t have the opportunities open to us that are there for others. Compared to stoppage-time indicator boards we’re like third-class citizens, and don’t get me started on the coaches’ tactically-innovative iPads.”
As for Southgate, he’s insistent there is no case to answer. “We were in total control of the game and to bring players into that moment when everyone was performing to a good level and we were in control of possession, you can put players into the game who’ve had to sit in the stand and it’s not so easy to come in in those latter stages,” he sighed. “We were going to refresh the wide players right at the end but that would’ve been to wind the clock down more than anything, but before we could get them in we conceded and it wasn’t a good time to make a change.”
Against Hungary last Thursday, England made three substitutions, but none until the 84th minute. “Southgate has never shown one iota of interest in my feelings. I’m just left in a cupboard most of the time,” Brian added. “Put it this way, before I left the factory I was fitted with a high-brightness LED display, top of the range – but these days the only thing my light-emitting diodes actually emit is plaintive cries. My life is miserable – or as my mum used to say when she was held upside down, 7734.”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When the gaffer first came in, there were 200-250 fans at games – 300 tops. The facilities were poor – we used to train on overgrown playing fields in Wetherby – and to where we are now it has been a massive improvement across all departments. It has been some turnaround” – Warren Burrell talks to Ben Fisher for this piece on the rise of Harrogate Town.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly Extra podcast is here for you.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: the biennial men’s World Cup plan (Fiver passim). I presume Arsène Wenger is trying to increase the workload of international players so much that Arsenal might win an actual Premier League game” – Joe Mercer.
“Following John Lawton’s letter re: goalkeeping glove fetishes (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I can recommend the following pair, modelled by David Seaman, for quite a few of the current crop” – Gerry Rickard.
“Mention of the current fad for crazy-looking goalkeeper gloves made me wonder why nobody’s thought of the obvious and instant performance-enhancement for goalkeepers with slippery fingers: gloves made from the tentacles of squid or octopuses (I was going to say octopi, but I didn’t want to give Forest Green any more ideas for their meat-free menu)” – Steve Malone.
“While on the subject of goalkeepers’ gloves, is it not time that Great Uncle Custodian Fiver raised a petition for compulsory wearing of the cloth cap? Proper keepers such as Ernie Gregory, Gil Merrick or Bert Williams would never be seen in public without this accoutrement (though in Gil’s case it was allegedly to keep his immaculate moustache dry), in the same way that they would not be seen during a game sweeping somewhere near the halfway line. Surely time for proper standards in the Custodians Union Dress and Conduct Specification Regulations” – Richard Bullock.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Joe Mercer.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Premier League and Football League are against plans for a World Cup every two years. “New competitions, revamped competitions or expanded competitions for club and national team football, both at continental and/or at global level, are not the solutions to the current problems of our game in an already congested calendar,” they tooted, although it didn’t stop them with the Papa John’s Trophy.
Manchester City have been dumped out of Women’s Big Cup by Spanish opposition for the fourth season in a row after Real Madrid did for them this time.
Arsenal manager and apparent Moloko fan Mikel Arteta reckons the time is now for his squad to start delivering. “We have to glide it together, build relationships, chemistry and understanding,” he cooed. “We have to do that really quickly.”
Dust down the trophy case and get the victory parade booked in for there’s silverware finally heading Tottenham’s way, winners at the Royal Institute of British Architects National Awards for their stadium, which is now eligible for the Stirling Prize.
Pocket tweeting didn’t get Joleon Lescott where he is today, which is as a TV pundit and member of the England U-21 coaching staff, but he still has lofty ambitions. “The roles have to fit with where I want to go and that is more of an admin side, so sporting director or technical director, that is the route I want to take,” he cheered.
While Cristiano Ronaldo prepares for his second Manchester United debut, Antoine Griezmann is doing likewise at Atlético Madrid. “I’ll give everything for the fans, whether they’re at the ground or watching on TV,” he roared. “I want them to know that I’ll try and make them proud. We had a great relationship and it’s something I want to have again.”
And Juventus have launched a new cartoon series called Team Jay, based on their zebra mascot. Do one for Gunnersaurus, you cowards.
STILL WANT MORE?
Max Rushden on why Cristiano Ronaldo’s return should provoke awkward conversations as well as cheers.
Steve Bruce broke Mike Ashley’s unwritten rule that managers on Tyneside are best seen and not heard, explains Louise Taylor.
Ed Aarons looks at why loans have taken over the transfer market.
Jonathan Liew marvels at Robert Lewandowski’s one-man-nation routine in Poland’s draw with England.
And there’s some choice Manchester United v Newcastle and Leeds v Liverpool nostalgia in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
