Less than an hour into play on the third morning, after Steve Smith had chalked up his second century of the series, the brass section of the Barmy Army on the western hill here began playing the theme tune to the Great Escape.
Though Australia were three down and still 180 runs in arrears at this stage, it was pitch-perfect in its reflection of creeping English dread. This was already shaping up to be a day of flagellation at the hands of the mighty Australian captain, whose blade had looked so thick and utterly impenetrable while chipping off the eight runs he required for Test century No22.
By the end it could easily have been The Last Post. Australia had lost one wicket, Smith’s personal score had swollen to career-best unbeaten 229, Mitchell Marsh was savouring his maiden Test hundred and the lead had switched around to 146 in favour of the hosts. Rain is forecast and a famous rearguard may yet follow but the destiny of the Ashes looks locked in.
Kudos must of course go to Smith. As Dileep Premachandran of this parish tweeted, he was simply doing to England what Virat Kohli had achieved in Mumbai last winter by “bending the script to his will”. This was a modern-day master proving again why there is clear daylight between himself and the chasing pack in the Test rankings.
Marsh thrived in his slipstream and then outscored him, ridiculing the old adage about not changing a winning team by replacing Peter Handscomb and slapping England’s beleaguered attack to all parts of his home ground. He also drew his own family level with the tourists in terms of centuries in this series after older brother, Shaun hit an unbeaten 126 in Adelaide.
And England? They were left wearing the badge of honour that Jonny Bairstow had spoken of the previous evening when he compared the achievement of blunting Australia’s pace attack to a day spent chasing leather for little reward. Though talking specifically about his 237-run stand with Dawid Malan, the wicketkeeper’s words were prescient.
What followed was a smorgasbord of bereft English imagery, such as Root sending an lbw against Smith upstairs only to find Jimmy Anderson had overstepped for the first time in three years, Craig Overton twisting up in the boundary rope after an umpteenth failed chase or the local jeers as Stuart Broad became the second of four bowlers to bring up a century.
Flat is the word that summed up the bowlers after England lost their final six wickets for 35 runs on the second day and it was no doubt chuntered about the surface throughout this grim slog. But when Tim Paine was taking balls above his head on day one, and Bairstow was pouching them at waist height from the outset of the second, it once again highlighted what is required in these parts and what Joe Root so badly lacks.
Anderson, Broad and Chris Woakes all crave lateral movement and at home they challenge the very tightest techniques. Without it, the homogenous nature of their right-arm fast-medium can be exploited; just as Kohli exposed a dearth of spin bowlers last winter, Smith and co are doing the same in terms of pace bowlers.
This may be too simple a diagnosis; a hark back to the days staring enviously at the West Indian quicks or Shane Warne’s fizzing leg-breaks. But given this was the ninth time in the past year they have spent 129 overs or more in the field – and the fifth in the past two years they have shipped 500-plus runs – it is not too great a stretch to suggest one honking issue is a lack bowlers who can transcend conditions of little or no assistance.
Perhaps one of the saddest sights has been watching Moeen Ali bowl. One of the leading lights of the English summer has been neutered such that, while he did claim the solitary wicket when Shaun Marsh nibbled behind at lunch, he is operating with a new action that betrays the utter funk he is in. Smith’s salty assertion that Malan’s leg-spin was superior stung because it was true.
Overton spent the third day stoically bowling through the pain of a cracked rib, again underlining the attitude he possesses. But with the blow originally inflicted by Pat Cummins in Adelaide and only scanned after he fell awkwardly on the second day here, perhaps we can add medical to the list of England departments feeling a bit sheepish right now.
