AND THEN THERE WERE THREE
Following France’s victory in Tuesday’s Ethics World Cup semi-final, Didier Deschamps led his team’s celebrations, undoing the top button of his shirt and allowing Paul Pogba to crank the boombox up to Four so long as he kept Now That’s What I Call Marching Music on repeat. Occasionally, however, the French players turned the volume back down to One so that they could savour the sweet, sweet sound of Belgian sour grapes.
“France headed in from a corner and did nothing more than defend,” blubbed Thibaut Courtois. “I would have preferred to have lost in the quarter-finals to Brazil, at least that was a team who wanted to play football – [France] are just an anti-football team,” continued the goalkeeper as Jordan Pickford called a physio to repair split sides. Courtois did not add that the anti-football team that had a player, Kylian Mbappé, who had to be kicked to the ground every time he got up a gallop. Not that it impressed Eden Hazard much. “I prefer to lose with this Belgium team than win with this France,” grumbled another player who won the Premier League with Antonio Conte’s Chelsea.
Meanwhile, Gareth Southgate is expected, admittedly only by The FiveЯ, to have sent Bobby M a text saying: “Sucker!” Or maybe he’s saving that until after the second semi-final, by which time the advantage of England’s canny strategic defeat to Belgium in the group stages may be even clearer. After all, rather than face France in the last four, England take on Croatia, a side that only crawled past Denmark and Russia, emerging from the quarter-finals as battered as a London ambulance.
“We’ve played five difficult games, they’ve taken their toll,” conceded Croatia manager Zlatko Dalic. “We’re tired but there can be no excuses,” he continued, resisting any temptation to contrast his side’s progress with that of England, who were given a bye in the last round when Sweden failed to show up. Instead Dalic urged his team to put on brave faces and hope they’re big enough to blot out Harry Maguire’s head. “We’ve analysed England, we know where the greatest danger is to us,” he chirped. “There is no reason to be nervous, we are relieved, without pressure, we have come to enjoy the semi-final. We have come to show our best game.” But that’s England’s plan, too, and while Croatia have more creativity in central midfield, Southgate has power, pace and a catchy song. Today, then, we get one step closer to finding out what is coming home: football, or flipall.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray from 7pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Croatia 1-1 England (4-3 on pens, aet).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This seems to me to be a failure of leadership. Please can I have your written assurance that we will not see a repeat of these events in any terminal on Wednesday evening” – Heathrow chief suit John Holland-Kaye’s letter to Paul Lincoln, head of the Border Force, following claims that immigration desks were abandoned by staff during England’s win over Colombia, leading to long queues for arriving passengers.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“Out of the World Cup, but leave it to Him to steal the headlines” – JJ Zucal.
“Although it was released not long before the 2006 World Cup, is there a more fitting anthem for Russia 2018 than the magnificent (and vaguely terrifying) Cossacks Are by Scott Walker, from his wonderful album The Drift?
‘A moving aria for a vanished style of mind’ (Occasional victories for the almost-extinct 4-4-2)
‘A noble debut, tackling vertiginous demands’ (Russia’s opening game, a noble debut indeed)
‘Has absence ever sounded so eloquent, so sad? I doubt it’ (The almost simultaneously enforced absence of Him and Messi)
‘With an arm across the torso, face on the nails’ (Most of the defending at corners)
‘Touching the shattered lives it unearths’ (For every victor, there is a loser feeling shattered)
“A nocturne filled with glorious ideas’ (The application of VAR; not always a glorious idea, but gloriously entertaining)
‘A chilling exploration of er0tic consumption’ (Umm …)
The man is a prophet. Take a bow, son” – Matt Dony.
“I see the Museum of London’s curator has helpfully informed us all that Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat is reviving a fashion statement that originated with King Charles II (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). Success breeds imitation, but please, let’s not lose our heads over this. I’ll get my (waist)coat” – Hubert O’Hearn.
“Watching yesterday’s semi-final, it struck me that Olivier Giroud is on the cusp of emulating the unique achievement of the legendary Stéphane Guivarc’h: becoming a World Cup-winning striker despite lacking the basic ability de frapper le cul d’une vache com un banjo” – Richie Philpott.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Matt Dony.
BITS AND BOBS
Er …
Corporate b@nter news: Brussels’ metro chiefs had to play the French football anthem Tous Ensemble on their underground network after their social media team lost a bet with their French counterparts over the first semi-final. Meanwhile, France’s state-owned railway company SNCF honked it up on Belgium coach Thierry Henry, saying: “If you wish to return to France tomorrow, several [trains] leave from Brussels Midi station.” The state of both them and today’s Bits and Bobs.
Um …
Non-World Cup dept: Liverpool’s kit man is working around the clock to widen the circumference of leg holes in the team’s shorts after the club entered into discussions over the transfer of Stoke’s Xherdan Shaqiri. And Loris Karius is being Loris Karius.
Hmm …
Non-World Cup dept II: in a tribute to his predecessor, Unai Emery has signed young French whelp Matteo Guendouzi from Lorient. “Arsenal have always been the team closest to my heart,” Robbie Keaned Guendouzi.
Er …
Non-World Cup dept III: Riyad Mahrez is now a £60m player after moving to Manchester City. “They’re redefining the English game and I wanted to be a part of it,” he trousered.
Oh.
STILL WANT MORE?
The brilliant Jorge Valdano on the brilliant Luka Modric.
Where Croatia v England will be won and lost, by Jonathan Wilson.
England is ready to go World Cup crazy again, writes Barney Ronay, while Daniel Taylor hears from inside Gareth Southgate’s camp.
Emine Saner discusses the importance of the England team’s psychology.
What is the longest-range assist in World Cup history? The Knowledge has you covered.
Fast, far, ruthless and clean: England’s World Cup progress in numbers.
Stuart James on France on Diddy; David Hytner on Bobby M.
Paolo Bandini mulls over Him doing one to Juventus.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
