As far as endings go, it ended nicely. People streamed on to the Sydney Cricket Ground, wanting to get close to the trophy presentation and to have a canter on the turf. Nothing thrills an audience more than a chance to walk the stage. On a sun-kissed blue-heaven day, the match had finished early enough to leave plenty of afternoon to spare. Later Usman Khawaja soaked that up with his own crowd of family and friends, on his last day as a Test player.
These endings are supposed to signal the close of something momentous. Another Ashes wrapped up, another chapter in the rivalry written. Still, once it was done, the whole thing felt like it had been more hole than doughnut.
It’s not because it wasn’t a close series; we’re past that, nobody has seen one of those in Australia in 50 years. This was more deeply about the quality of performance. The media caravan arrived in Perth after months of buildup, which is media driven but also driven by public interest. We counted down, we prophesied, we prognosticated, we cast bones and read entrails, we tipped coffee cups upside down, sourced skin of salamander and sketched the fine traceries of the wing of a bat. Finally, with all that done, it began. And 31 hours later, it was over.
That left 11 more days of waiting and wondering, before a pink-ball spank-a-thon in Brisbane whose result was decided after two and a half days, even if it took four to play out. Adelaide went the distance but was still a procession of wickets given away, before another two-day embarrassment for all concerned in Melbourne.
England arrived as a rabble. Whether in the back of the mind or the back of the throat, the whole Brendon McCullum and Ben Stokes era had this trip as its endpoint. Selections and mindset work were geared towards it. When the mission was finally due, they approached winning in Australia like a rich kid approaches getting into Harvard: write KENNEDY on the entrance essay and assume it will work out fine. After years of chat about attitude and ethos and philosophy, of how very positive they would be in their cricket, this lot didn’t spend a minute on how to play it in a different country. What do you mean we didn’t win, don’t you know who we are?
The thing is, Australia weren’t much better. Certainly not 4-1 better. The bowlers saved the day along with Alex Carey, Travis Head played a blinder, Steve Smith came good when it was over. The rest were the definition of mediocre. England got blamed for the two-day matches, but they couldn’t have happened without both teams collapsing. When batting conditions got difficult, the shared attitude was that it was unreasonable to attempt staying in. In better conditions Australia’s bigger scores rode on luck. As badly as England batted and bowled, they might still have won the thing had they held their catches. Australia were there for the taking but weren’t taken.
Across the teams, who averaged over 40? Head, Smith, Carey, Jacob Bethell, Joe Root. Harry Brook somehow got close while playing match-losing shots in each of the first three Tests. Every other specialist bat averaged between 18 and 27. Mediocrity was the standard. These were teams that mystifyingly conspired to allow Brydon Carse to firstly play five Tests and secondly take 22 wickets, the most for an Englishman in Australia since Jimmy Anderson in 2011, despite largely bowling like a drain.
Even management seemed ad hoc. These were teams that picked part-time spinners at No 8 after being spooked by a pitch that yielded 1,454 runs. These were teams that shook up their batting orders like microwave popcorn. Khawaja was an opener who never ended up opening but did have a few hits at No 4 and No 5. Josh Inglis wafted about at No 7 as a non-keeping batter, behind the keeper.
Cameron Green had to play every Test regardless of runs. Ollie Pope had to play three of them despite sliding around at the crease as disconcertedly as a horse on ice skates. England’s only choice to replace a makeshift No 3 was a makeshift No 3. Bethell’s eventual selection with no appreciable first-class career will be held up as the tour’s success story: yes, he played a delightful innings and he may keep confounding convention. It’s also true that betting your car on a hand of blackjack doesn’t become a sound approach to automotive finance just because you pull an ace alongside a picture.
If all of this sounds negative, it is. There were players who were honourable exceptions, there were entertaining moments, and there was a general standard below what you would expect. In dozens of conversations with spectators during the final two Tests, unprompted, a repeat adjective has been “unfulfilled”. Almost a million people went to the expense and the effort of going to watch the best, and didn’t get it. More than a million would have gone, breaking any series record, but for losing seven days of play. No Ashes can be played to a formula, but this should go down as one where something central was missing. It can’t all be about endings.
