WRITE ON
The Fiver was pleased to see Fabricio Coloccini’s open letter to Newcastle fans on the club’s website yesterday, which is saying something considering how pompous, passive aggressive and full of vacuous self-important bluster this medium of correspondence invariably seem to be. Coloccini’s was no different, but we’ll give him a pass on that one, because it’s not like he and his Newcastle team-mates have any other kind of platform from which to demonstrate their togetherness and commitment to the fans of the club they play for … unless, of course, you count those green, grass-covered rectangular ones they get humiliated on every week. But hey, why bother trying to win football matches, when you can just write an open letter or sign your name to an open letter that somebody else has written on your behalf?
In the first demonstration of anything approaching leadership he has provided in several months, Coloccini began his missive by apologising “for the moment we are going through”, a run of eight consecutive defeats that might trouble the compilers of the Oxford English Dictionary, which defines a moment as “a very brief period of time”. And while pedants may argue that in the cosmic scheme of things, a two-month spell without a win or draw is indeed fairly fleeting, The Fiver would argue that … ah, you know what we mean and there’s a Fiver Letters section down below if you really want to go down that road.
Going on to waffle about how determined he and his team-mates are to win every time they go on the field, despite all available evidence to the contrary, Newcastle’s captain went on to say that the club “doesn’t deserve to be in this position”, despite all available evidence to the contrary. He then added that “players and staff have come together in order to leave all past problems aside”, despite all available evidence to the contrary. Indeed, so united are Newcastle’s players and staff that their beleaguered interim boss John Carver doesn’t merit so much as a passing mention in his club captain’s open letter. Not one.
Following on from this nonsense, Coloccini spends the rest of his missive begging Newcastle fans to get behind their team, a state of affairs which seems even more pointless and unnecessary than writing an open letter to dogs asking them to bark every now and then, or an open letter to The Fiver asking us to send out a series of unfunny football emails each week. Still, at least he didn’t have to pay for a stamp, eh? “Today we need you more than ever,” pleaded Coloccini, as if to suggest it is Newcastle’s players, rather than the fans, that have somehow been short-changed in the unwritten contract that’s supposed to bind them. “In these three games we need to be together, we need to be united, to be a family – a family that fights together against adversity, a family … [blah-de-blah, empty rhetoric etc, and so on].”
Of course talk is cheap and it will be interesting to see how Coloccini and his team-mates live up to this childishly simplistic nonsense when they take to the field this weekend. On the evidence of recent performances, their best chance of success might lie in writing another craven plea in open letter form. This one could be for the attention of West Brom, begging them to go easy and let Newcastle win.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
We locked Jonathan Wilson in a basement for three days without food or tactics boards until he came up with this short film on The Evolution of Pep. Maybe that’s how they came up with that Blake Lively farrago. Anyway, watch.
QUOTE OF THE DAY No1
“When I was in Monaco I thought it would be good to have a family of footballers. So I made sure my brother Rotimi gets into a football academy in France. Within a few months; out of 27 players, he stole 21 phones … A couple [of] years ago, I bought a house in East Lagon (Ghana) for $1.2m. I found it normal to let my older sister, Yabo Adebayor stay in that house. I also allowed my half brother (Daniel) to stay in the same house. A few months later, I was on vacation and decided to go to that house. At my surprise, I saw many cars in the driveway. In fact, my sister decided to rent out the house without me knowing. When I called her and asked for explanation, she took about 30 minutes to abuse and insult me over the phone. I called my mother to explain the situation and she did the same as my sister. This same sister says I am ungrateful” – Tottenham’s Emmanuel Adebayor offers an insight into his family strife.
QUOTE OF THE DAY No2
“There’s nothing new I can say. He’s spectacular, incredible. He’s playing further from goal and he’s still scored 40 in the league. If he played in goal he’d score 25” – Bayern’s Thiago Alcântara has a chin-wag with Sid Lowe about Leo Messi, why he didn’t join Manchester United in 2013 and “going in hard” on his brother Rafinha tonight.
FIVER LETTERS
“I noted priest Stephen Foster’s prayer on behalf of his beloved Newcastle (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), but rather doubt that a Christian god would be a fan of Newcastle. Their black and white stripes might represent the dichotomy of good and evil, and lead to some Manichean doubting, but I don’t believe god would wish to be associated with such uncertainty. However, on a more positive note for the much-needed divine intervention, the magpie was the companion of Bacchus, the Roman god of wine, so any bacchanalians out there might be able to give Mr Carver a helping hand. I believe there are a few on Tyneside right now” – Nick Cox.
“Fair play to Stephen Foster for filling the void for the Premier League club who haven’t a prayer. But he might want to reconsider the wisdom of praying to keep Newcastle’s stadium named after the first apostle to be martyred. Perhaps St Jude’s Park (after the saint of lost causes) might be more apt for a team who, at this, stage probably couldn’t even be saved by the third coming of St Kev” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Can I be among the many to point out, respectfully you understand, and in the timeless spirit of pedantry, that bulldozers do not have steering wheels (yesterday’s Fiver). They are equipped with steering levers, one for each set of tracks; to go forward, you push them both forward, to reverse, pull them both back; to steer to the right, you simply push the right lever forward and pull back on the left one: vice versa for travelling to the left” – James Treacy (1,056 others who ignored the fact that The Fiver was ‘dreaming’).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Nick Cox.
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COMING SOON
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BITS AND BOBS
Gareth Bale is very happy at Real Madrid, thank you very much, and has nipped any prospective transfer rumour fun in the bud. Think that will stop them trying? Think again.
Juventus are giving it some big C.H.A.T after beating Real 2-1 in their Big Cup semi-final first leg. “Regardless of whether we get to the final, we have the basis for the future with lads who play with personality,” parped coach Massimiliano Allegri. “We need to recognise how important this result is. We’ve played good football this season and above all I’d say we showed signs we are superior.”
Palermo are ready to cash in on Argentinian forward Paolo Dybala. “The apple is ripe and we are ready to pick it,” humanised president Maurizio Zamparini.
The offices of Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct have been visited by the bizzies as part of an investigation into the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers’ former ownership.
Former Portsmouth owner Vladimir Antonov and his pal Raimondas Baranauskas will reluctantly drag themselves back to Lithuania to face £400m in fraud charges after a London high court dismissed their bid to block extradition.
Meanwhile, Switzerland’s legal lot have ruled Sandro Wieser’s horror tackle on FC Zurich’s Gilles Yapi-Yapo as assault and negligent after the incident in a game with Aarau last November.
And Benni McCarthy has escaped injury after being robbed at gunpoint at a barber shop in Johannesburg.
STILL WANT MORE?
A history of motorised pitch invasions. This week’s Knowledge gets delving.
Gareth Bale and the Real Madrid blame game. Sounds a bit like a Walcottesque book, but it’s actually this David Hytner piece.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve got home tickets to Everton v Sunderland and Stoke City v Spurs up for grabs.
Michael Cox explains how the Old Lady got one over Real Madrid.
Uefa must show more flexibility towards Big Vase to restore its past glories, writes Paul Wilson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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