BELT UP
At the end of a seismic day for football, when actual football was relegated to the status of sideshow, it was strangely appropriate that Manchester City and Real Madrid conjured up little to deflect attention from the more important business featured on the morning’s front pages. Even front pages that deemed the actual truth about the Hillsborough disaster far less newsworthy than the risible version they peddled 27 years ago.
He didn’t play, there were no goals and Zinedine Zidane split his trousers again – it wasn’t a Big Cup semi-final first leg that will live long in the memory, but at least it leaves things nicely poised for next week. “We have had a little sparring session but next Wednesday will be a ding-dong,” said Joe Hart, stopping disappointingly short of going full Ranieri and forecasting a dilly-ding dilly-dong for round two of this underwhelming heavyweight bout. City manager Manuel Pellegrini declared his side will have nothing to fear when they climb between the ropes at the Bernabéu next week, a venue where no visiting team has managed to land a single haymaker in Big Cup so far this season. “Of course Real have the advantage of playing the second leg at home,” he said. “But, when we are away, we play very similar to the way we do at home and this season we have already had very good results playing away at Sevilla, Dynamo Kyiv and Paris St-Germain.”
Meanwhile in another part of Madrid, Diego Simeone and Pep Guardiola will be hoping to emerge from Wednesday night’s semi-final first leg with their respective slacks and chances of advancing to Big Cup final intact. Atlético Madrid entertain Bayern Munich at the Vicente Calderón cauldron and both men have been speaking ahead of their own ding-dong. “In wars it isn’t the side with the most soldiers that wins, rather the side that uses its soldiers better,” roared General Simeone. “I want my side to win, nothing more.”
Of course in some wars, it’s the side whose commander threatens to cut his soldiers testicles off that wins – a motivational tool famously employed by Guardiola to inspire Bayern’s remarkable comeback against Juventus in the first knockout round. Having subsequently seen off Barcelona, the Spaniard was in comparatively serene mood as he pondered the question that anything other than victory in this year’s Big Cup would render his time at Bayern a failure. “I know that people say if I don’t win [Big Cup] my work won’t be complete, but I’ve been very lucky to have experienced what I have in Germany,” he said. “I think I’m a better coach, a better person, more relaxed.” Those trembling players he threatened to emasculate at the Allianz Arena might beg to differ on that last point.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Jacob Steinberg from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Atlético Madrid 1-0 Bayern.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When it came, their verdict was simple, clear, powerful, emphatic. But it begged the question – how could something so obvious have taken so long? Three reasons. First, a police force which has consistently put protecting itself above protecting people harmed by Hillsborough. Second, collusion between that force and complicit print media. Third, a flawed judicial system that gives the upper hand to those in authority over and above ordinary people” – shadow home secretary Andy Burnham tells the House of Commons that those responsible must be held to account for the 96 unlawful deaths at Hillsborough and a “27-year cover-up”.
FIVER LETTER [THANKS, BTW – FIVER ED]
“Re: the Norwegian One Call advert that Peter Riley came across in an Oslo bar (Monday’s Fiver letters). While I am thrilled that ‘Arry Redknapp has showcased to Scandinavia the wheeling and dealing, I am appalled at his awful use of grammar at 19sec. ‘Tottenham make [Big Cup]’? While I accept that sometimes you must make concessions, is it right that a manager considered as English as fish and chips, tea drinking and [Snip – Fiver Lawyers] should be so blasé about simple grammar?” – Niall Murtagh.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Having decided not to challenge the results of his failed drugs test, Liverpool’s Mamadou Sakho has bought a tent and a supply of Kendal Mint Cake to keep him sustained during his imminent lengthy spell on the naughty step.
RB Leipzig coach and sporting director Ralf Rangnick claims he turned down the chance to sign Jamie Vardy two years ago because the striker was too rac … sorry, old. “We desperately wanted to sign Joe Gomez, who later chose Liverpool, and we were flying back from London to Leipzig with his [Mr 15%],” he recalled. “In the plane, the [Mr 15%] said to me ‘Mr Rangnick, it’s a crying shame that you are so radical about who you sign and only go for players who are under 24 because I’ve got somebody who would be just perfect for you. I can guarantee he would become a national team player under you, but he’s already 27.’ It was Jamie Vardy.”
Diego Simeone will spend the remainder of La Liga’s season admiring his side from the cheap seats after being given a three-match touchline ban over the mysterious case of the ball being lobbed on the pitch.
Vincent Kompany reckons there are “a million more disappointing results” than drawing 0-0 at home to Real Madrid, as The Fiver’s longtime reader can attest each tea-time.
Having noted which side his slice of Mighty White is buttered, Hull manager Bernard Cribbins wants the club’s fans to lay off the effing and jeffing they’re aiming at owner Assem Allam. “The chairman is not well at all and this will not help him,” he tootled.
And Argentinian outfit Tigres deny there is anything “invasive” about tagging their supporters with internal microchips in order for the club to check whether fans have paid their membership costs. “The idea is to speed up access,” parped club secretary Ezequiel Rocino.
STILL WANT MORE?
There’s the Lose Yourself In The Moment, the Roar! Look At My Abs and the Oh No I’ve Just Remembered I’ve Already Been Booked And I Can’t Get My Shirt Back On Because My Ruddy Team-mates Won’t Let Me: The Knowledge investigates the myriad different ways to get yourself a red card for removing your shirt.
“They tell me the house is OK … my shirts are still hanging in the wardrobe.” Shakhtar captain Darijo Srna on how he and his club have been exiled by Russian separatists.
Barney Ronay on Tuesday’s battle of the Galacti-mehs.
Big Paper’s lawyers admitted that most of it had gone over their heads, which ought to be recommendation enough: it’s the ever brilliant David Squires on … English clubs in semi-finals.
If you’ve ever wanted to see Ed Woodward in a catsuit, this week’s Gallery (nominally on Antoine Griezmann but we know who the real star is) is for you.
Get your own back on Mike Ashley dept: don’t pay the man a penny and still watch Newcastle live in the home end with our Premier League tickets competition.
And Harry Pearson talks referees.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
