Kash Patel is not having a great week. A report in The Atlantic, sourced from many FBI employees, paints a picture of him as a barely functioning, drunken layabout more concerned with partying in Las Vegas than fighting crime.
The story was studded with eyebrow-raising details, like agents considering using explosive breaches to enter his room after he was deemed so drunk as to be unresponsive, that important meetings have to be scheduled around his partying, and that he’s apparently very concerned that official FBI merch isn’t “fierce” enough.
Priorities, Kash! Where exactly is Savannah Guthrie’s mom, anyway? Maybe focus on that and not the Quantico gift shop?
Anyhow, as is usual with the Trump administration, Patel has responded aggressively. Taking a page from his boss’s book he immediately filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit against The Atlantic. They don’t seem too worried, saying:
“We stand by our reporting on Kash Patel, and we will vigorously defend The Atlantic and our journalists against this meritless lawsuit.”
One especially embarrassing incident detailed in the article saw Patel apparently struggling to log in to his PC. When he somehow couldn’t, he descended into what multiple witnesses described as a “freak out” as he concluded Trump had fired him. Much to the disappointment of FBI higher-ups, Patel hadn’t been fired, it was just a technical glitch, and he was being paranoid.
Let the man party! He’ll do less damage that way!
In a press conference yesterday, Patel was asked about the “computer login issue”. He angrily dismissed this as “an absolute lie. It never happened”:
REPORTER: Can you explain the computer log in issue? Your lawsuit contends you were not able to log into the system
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) April 21, 2026
KASH PATEL: Let's have a survey. How many of you people believe that's true?
REPORTER: Did you communicate with anyone you thought you were fired?
PATEL: It's an… pic.twitter.com/t9zdhS7qmb
There’s only one teeny, tiny problem. Patel’s own lawsuit against The Atlantic (which, incidentally, is riddled with typos) confirms this did happen. At paragraph 23, his lawsuit states:
“On April 10, 2026 Director Patel had a routine technical problem logging into a government system, which was quickly fixed.”
Patel has been roundly mocked, and his job is almost certainly on the line, with Trump reportedly extremely displeased at footage of a hooting, drunken Patel partying with the US hockey team. However, we should all hope and pray that he remains in post as long as possible.
Kash was almost certainly given this job on the basis that he’d use the FBI to pursue Trump’s political enemies. If he’s the drunken, paranoid moron described by The Atlantic, he’s failing at that. If he were fired, maybe Trump would find someone competent and focused on the job!
The idea of someone actually using the FBI to pursue political enemies is terrifying, so we’re reassured that Patel apparently spends much of his time in a drunken stupor, where he’s not causing anybody any trouble.
So, all we can say is “party on” – may the booze keep flowing for Kash!
