Name: Electrosmog.
Age: As old as electromagnetism itself.
Appearance: As bad as Ebola, climate change and Aids combined reckons Noel Edmonds, but worse because it’s invisible, or something.
Or something? That doesn’t sound very authoritative. Well, you try summing up the greatest single threat facing mankind in a pithy sentence.
Listen, I don’t even know what electrosmog is, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t the greatest threat facing mankind. It is.
Who says? I told you: Noel Edmonds.
Noel Edmonds? In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Edmonds claimed that electrosmog – clouds of electromagnetic fields caused by Wi-Fi, phone signals and electricity – is endangering humanity. It’s making us electrosensitive, and systematically destroying our own natural electromagnetic fields.
And that’s a bad thing because? “All you are is energy, remember that.” There, a direct Edmonds quote.
Interesting. Got any more? He also said: “There isn’t such a thing as death, it’s just departure. You cannot die. It’s been known for a very long time.”
Riiiiiiiight. No, it’s worth listening to. Edmonds is an expert at this stuff. Remember when he discovered cosmic ordering almost a decade ago? He sent a message out to the universe and, as a result, his career was instantly rehabilitated.
Yes, he got to present a ridiculous quasi-superstitious daytime quiz show where contestants are financially rewarded by actively denying the concept of coincidence. Look, it’s a job.
Anyway, how worried should I be about electrosmog? Really worried. Oh, sure, 10 years ago the World Health Organisation denied that electromagnetic fields had any negative effect on humans, stating: “There is no scientific basis to link ES [electrosensitive] symptoms to EMF exposure.” But then it would say that, wouldn’t it?
Would it? Of course it would. This is a huge conspiracy. A huge global conspiracy, and all the corporations are in on it. They want to enslave us all with magnets. Edmonds is right. He’s like our Jesus.
Which makes Mr Blobby? I dunno, Moses or something.
Do say: “Let’s stop the scourge of electrosmog by banning Wi-Fi.”
Don’t say: “Let’s also stop it by unplugging our TVs whenever we see Noel Edmonds.”
