"Eldest daughter syndrome" is a term used to describe the extra responsibilities, unique challenges and expectations that eldest daughters may face to being the perfect role model for their siblings and also to share some of the parental responsibilities. It's not a mental health diagnosis, but an impact that may affect a daughter's personality and life experiences.
The responsibilities can include taking on more household chores, caring for younger siblings, being a role model, being emotionally strong, maturity to adjust and care for the younger sibling, share parents’ responsibilities, have better sense (supposed to) of judgement to name a few. Though the responsibilities can nurture leadership qualities, independence, it can also lead to added pressure and a quest for perfection.
Some of the signs that may indicate Eldest Daughter Syndrome are:
1. Have a strong sense of responsibility
2. Constant play of being a role model for the younger siblings leaving very little space for mistakes.
3. Quest for perfection
4. Need for control
5. Bears the expectations of parents
6. Tendency to place others before oneself
7. Carries the burden of family’s emotional upheavals
8. Hard time placing and maintaining boundaries
9. Frequent struggles with guilt, specially when it comes to themselves
10. Struggle to maintain peer relationship
11. Resentment towards sibling and parents due to expectations and responsibilities.
It is not necessary to exhibit all the symptoms all the time.
Due to this, the daughter can end up feeling stressed and overwhelmed, having less time for herself, feel undervalued or inadequate, guilt, burn out, role-confusion and in some cases even develop an anxious attachment style.
Parental support and guidance is extremely important when they see their child struggling. Some things they can do is:
1. Notice behaviour change and address it in their child
2. Understand the older one is ALWAYS going to be the elder one and be mindful of the roles and responsibilities they unconsciously place on them.
3. Encourage the child to seek them out and talk to them when they feel overwhelmed.
4. Build a trusting environment.
5. Work towards breaking the stereotype.
The elder daughters too can work on themselves by employing few practices:
1. Working more towards breaking the stereotype
2. Find an outlet to vent her emotions and feelings
3. Prioritise oneself
4. Learning to set boundaries
It is also important to note that not every older/elder daughter will experience these factors that may lead to developing this syndrome. Family dynamics, values, parenting style, schooling, the environment - all have a key role to play!
(Dr. Sushma Gopalan, Child Psychologist - Child Life Specialist, Aster CMI Hospital, Bangalore)
