Because it is traditional for comedies to end in marriage, the England Wags' Baden-Baden saga ascends to its glorious conclusion this weekend, with John Terry, Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville getting spliced.
Yes, over the next two days no fewer than four of the Gs will become Ws, in what convention demands we style as "lavish million-pound ceremonies", on account of newspapers being considerably more bothered about the cost of everything than the ladies themselves.
Mock-croc invitations, seven-tiered cakes, lucrative magazine deals, Dior-clad toddlers, radioactive spray tans ... To sum up the rumoured features of these bashes in a single phrase: no surprises.
In a clear homage to the dual-centre personal appearance pioneered by Phil Collins during Live Aid - which caused comfort-break stampedes on both sides of the Atlantic - Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin will reportedly attend Gary Neville and Emma Hadfield's church ceremony at Manchester cathedral, before taking a helicopter to Steven Gerrard and Alex Curran's reception at Cliveden. Or - also reportedly - they'll do it the other way round. I know you'll support my decision not to waste a penny of the Guardian's phone bill establishing which.
