TL: Tony leaped out of his P-47 Thunderbolt feeling so great about being alive. He lepped or leaped or whatever. Didn’t know or care about language. Loved it, of course. But ain’t done know about it. The twin wasp engine had, as usual, jarred his mind, as had the extraordinary philosophical and psychological squeeze on his strafing mission.
KH: Surveying his handiwork he reflected once again on the futility of existence and how long it had been since he’d had a decent bag of chips. Not that he needed fancy chips, now or ever, but decent chips, big chips for a man of the world, with cheese and heart.
JR: But, alas, the casino operated a strict “no-cheese on the blackjack table” policy (and also, ironically, frowned upon the consumption of blackjacks), and he sloped off to the bar, dejected. “I’ll have a Frosted Colin,” he said. “What’s in that?” came the reply of, no doubt, an amateur mixologist.
EG: “It’s nothing more than a lager with a grape shoved in,” he scoffed. He stroked his cat which opened its mouth, revealing it was filled with wires.
BG: He checked on Yahoo Answers and decided to pull the blue wire. The cat yawned, smiled, leant forward and then proceeded to cough up a small silver handgun.
IG: This wasn’t the weapon he’d been hoping for, but it would have to do. He put on his best trousers and headed for the Guardian press office.
RB: Unfortunately, he forgot to take off his “I Heart Seal Clubbing” T-shirt. As he sat down in reception his phone rang, and it was his old mate Dave Benson Phillips.
DB: Trembling with anger, he picked up the device and answered: “Wha gwan, sir? Why, pray tell, did it take you so long to call?”
BM: “I’ve always had a real fear of the telephone. For me to use it, I have to convince myself I’m speaking to a small rectangular alien.”
FB: “It’s the only way I can pretend I find iPhones or iPads as exciting as other people find them. I wish I liked the same things as everyone else.”
GFG: “They make it hard for me to care, though. I guess I’m just meant to be different.”
AB: “I’ve the soul of a snowman, so come the spring, I’m just a nobody who has melted away.” Mary wasn’t sure her Paul McKenna Confidence Boosting Hypnotism app was working very well.
KR: She was truly in a conundrum because without the app, she felt too worthless to try and fix it by installing an update. Ever a failure, Mary couldn’t even remember her iTunes password.
MJ: Now she couldn’t decide what to have for tea, either. In the end, Mary had a little lamb.
Tony Law: Frillemorphesis is at The Stand Comedy Club III & IV, to 30 Aug Kieran Hodgson: Lance is at The Voodoo Rooms, to 30 Aug
John Robins: Speakeasy is at Assembly George Square Studios, to 30 Aug
Ed Gamble: Lawman is at The Canons’ Gait, to 30 Aug
Brett Goldstein: Burning Man is at Pleasance Courtyard, to 31 Aug
Ivo Graham: No Filter is at Pleasance Courtyard, to 30 Aug
Rob Beckett: Mouth Of The South is at Pleasance Dome, to 30 Aug
Dane Baptiste: Reasonable Doubts is at Pleasance Courtyard, to 30 Aug
Bobby Mair: Filthy Immigrant is at Heroes @ The Hive, to 31 Aug
Fern Brady: People Are Idiots is at The Stand Comedy Club III & IV, to 30 Aug
Gein’s Family Giftshop: Volume 2 is at Pleasance Courtyard, to 30 Aug
Aisling Bea: Plan Bea is at Gilded Balloon Teviot, to 30 Aug
Katherine Ryan: Kathbum is at The Stand Comedy Club 3 & 4, to 22 Aug
Milton Jones And The Temple Of Daft is at Assembly Hall, to 21 Aug
