The good news: the Balmoral Hotel, which sprouts grandly from Edinburgh Waverley station, has space for next weekend. But you must commit to a three-night minimum stay. In a deluxe castle view room, that indulgence will cost you more than £5,000.
The Balmoral is a magnificent hotel, but if you don’t have the resources of JK Rowling (who famously finished writing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in room 552), you might prefer a simple two-star budget hotel, such as the Ibis in the Old Town. Next Saturday night is all yours for £427.
Now, I have no problem with the travel industry responding to demand by raising prices. It is a sensible way to allocate scarce resources, whether hotel beds or seats on planes. Next Friday, some British Airways economy fares between London Heathrow and Edinburgh are touching £500 each way.
Hoteliers and airlines are responding to the intense demand to be in the Scottish capital for the Festival and Fringe, which drape themselves across almost all of August. Audiences, performers and the media bid up prices.
Heaven help the unwitting tourist who turns up unaware of the cultural frenzy that seizes the city each summer. Divine intervention is not needed. But radical action is.
Read more: The best hotels in Edinburgh
The Edinburgh International Festival was a brilliant post-war concept. Rudolf Bing, a Jewish refugee of the Nazi regime, proposed a global celebration of human creativity. Since the first event in 1947, the festival has proved an extraordinary force, inspiring the counter-cultural Fringe, which has now become the most intense collection of performing arts on the planet.
A lifetime has elapsed since that debut. And tourism, like culture, has blossomed. In 1947, Edinburgh was doubtless as seductive as it is now. Some British tourists passed through on the way to the Highlands, but probably only a handful of international visitors visited.
Today, Edinburgh airport is in the premier league of UK hubs, alongside the London airports and Manchester. At least 25,000 passengers touch down every day in August, along with countless thousands of arrivals to the city by rail.
The Scottish capital simply does not need to host a festival in August, let alone two massive, global celebrations. Move the events to make room for real tourists.
Were the festivities to vanish, the vacuum created would be filled instantly by actual tourists. They would make the most of the superbly reinvented art gallery, the National, wandering the Royal Mile and spending in its implausibly large number of tourist shops, climbing Arthur’s Seat and enjoying the beguiling mix of ancient, modern and natural beauty. Edinburgh would be full every August. Hoteliers and transport providers would continue to make a tidy profit. And many people would be happy.
Read more: Best boutique hotels in Edinburgh
But what happens to the festivities? They just need to be moved. I have two helpful suggestions. One involves time, the other distance. I confidently predict not everyone will like them.
First, shift the International Festival and Fringe to November. That is a dull month in northern climes, and it would cheer up the city no end. Hoteliers will also be glad to respond to increased demand; current room rates for November are typically between a quarter and one-third of those in August. It will provide a boost to the capital before the pre-Christmas and Hogmanay excitement begins.
If you are unimpressed with that plan, you may be even more displeased with the alternative. Keep the cultural extravaganza in August, but shift it 40 miles west. To Glasgow. Edinburgh’s great rival has plenty of performance venues and an expanding range of hotel rooms. While I love Scotland’s most populous city, it does not have the same touristic charisma as Edinburgh. So while the international sightseers are frolicking by the Firth of Forth, the cultural masses are on the Clyde.
Incensed by a geographical move? It could have been worse. When I first pitched the idea to my colleagues on the travel desk, I was going to recommend exporting the whole cultural caboodle either to November or… Birmingham.
Let me know your thoughts to s@hols.tv
Simon Calder, also known as The Man Who Pays His Way, has been writing about travel for The Independent since 1994. In his weekly opinion column, he explores a key travel issue – and what it means for you.
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