Name: Sheeranville.
Location: Suffolk, England.
Appearance: Not quite as opulent as intended.
Ed Sheeran lives in Suffolk, doesn’t he? Might this have something to do with him? Indeed it might. Sheeranville is the unofficial name of his home.
He must really love the area. He does, as evidenced by his song Castle on the Hill – about all his childhood adventures there, which included breaking his leg, evading the police and vomiting.
Ah, the local boy did good. Not good enough, apparently, because the council keeps putting the kibosh on his home-improvement plans.
What did he have in mind? Pebbledashing? Crazy paving? Oh, the usual; his own private pub dedicated to his wife, complete with a five-metre sign.
The council didn’t go for that? Unfortunately not. The pub building – a former barn – is Grade II-listed, and so he has been forced to remove the sign.
Well, everyone makes mistakes. This wasn’t Sheeran’s first misstep, though. Last year, he wanted to build his own private chapel to get married in. But the council also refused that on the basis that the village already has a perfectly good church, thank you very much.
Oh. And we shouldn’t forget his £500,000 wildlife pond.
What could be wrong with that? It sounds very environmentally conscious. It’s got a jetty and handrails and steps.
By “wildlife pond”, do you mean “swimming pool”? That’s what neighbours have claimed. In fact, the whole Sheeranville endeavour has been fraught with difficulties. Last summer, police visited the estate to investigate claims that construction had disturbed a settlement of rare newts.
Wow, Sheeran can’t catch a break. How terribly sad. I know. How he manages to console himself with just his mansion, indoor pool, hot tub, treehouse, orangery, football pitch, private beach, proposed underground cinema and vast fortune is beyond me.
That’s quite the portfolio. Is he gearing up to become a recluse – the busker-pop Howard Hughes? Steady on. The man has only built a pub in his garden. It’s not as though he has assembled a cult in his name or anything.
What do the locals make of him? They seem to love him. Despite these issues, they are quick to praise the work he has done in their community.
Sounds like something a cult would say. What is your issue here? That Sheeran is rich enough to afford the house and wildlife pond of his dreams and you’re not?
Yes, that’s exactly it. Oh, fair enough, then.
Do say: “I’m in love with the shape of you …”
Don’t say: “… so I’m going to buy it and build my own pub on it.”
