Nothing says “Hello, ma” like stubbing out a cigarette in a Swiss Roll. With that one motion, EastEnders’ antihero Nasty Nick Cotton was back from the dead.
Leather jacket and chain at the ready, Nick chose Halloween for his resurrection, a date right up there with Good Friday in the Official 2014 Terrifying Times In Walford calendar. Not that there was any shortage of ghoulish behaviour going on in the square: twisted sister Abi tried to drown Lauren in a bizarre game of apple bobbing; Roxy donned a fancy dress costume best summed up by Yvonne Cotton’s Mrs Doyle-esque exclamation: “What on earth is that?”; and who could fail to be haunted by the sight of Kush parading up and down the market with just a pumpkin to cover his modesty?
“I’ve got a feeling this is going to be a bit of a special day,” prophesised Dot at the beginning of all this, in the way soap people do when something unexpected is about to happen. Little did she know that Nick was lurking in the undergrowth, watching her every move and waiting to pounce. Donna the wheelchair-using market stallholder was the first casualty, getting lashed by his cruel tongue. “Where’s Snow White and the other six gold-diggers?” he smirked, before breaking and entering. And that was all before he’d even sat down for lunch.
Not much gets past Dot (except little things like her son’s arm flopping out of the coffin as she was hurried out of the room by a dodgy undertaker) so it didn’t take her long to sniff out her errant son’s trail of destruction. “Surp-riiiise,” he croaked as he came face-to-face with his son Charlie, who must be such a disappointment to his ol’ dad with his refusal to wear the Cotton leather, his soft Brummie accent, and his penchant for being genuinely quite nice to Dot. In true Nick style, he was full of resentment and wasn’t going to leave until he got what he wanted: 10 grand. “I’ve got to stay dead, stuck in an urn on my ma’s mantelpiece,” he mused to Charlie. “While you get your feet nicely under the table.”
How do you get rid of a murdering, robbing, poisoning father figure? Fobbing him off with a wad of paper and a couple of 10 pound notes wasn’t Charlie’s smartest move, but throwing Dot off the scent by scattering his ashes in the square was even less of a masterstroke.
When Nick finally delivered his piece de resistance to Dot it was worth the wait. “Hello, ma,” he leered, “’Appy ‘Alloween”, before giving her a shopping list of “beer and girly mags”. Yes, this is a man so evil he can’t even use the internet. Once he found his trademark leather jacket, Nick really hit his stride. “Remember you and me getting drunk on cider the day I came out of Borstal?” he teased his ex Yvonne coquettishly, while Charlie was left to explain to Dot how he pulled off Nick’s funeral when he was still alive. Whatever. Just get on with being a thoroughly entertaining menace, Nick, that’s what you came for.
If ever you go to court in Coronation Street, don’t expect to come out of the dock without a miscarriage of justice under your belt. Remember that time Deirdre got banged up? Well there’s been a new Weatherfield One in town: Peter Barlow, sent down for a long stretch for Tina’s murder. This allowed Rob to breathe a sigh of relief; it’s just a shame he celebrated by wandering around with a glazed “I can’t believe I got away with it” look in his eye. Eight bottles of Truth Merlot into his stag night, Rob finally confessed his crime to Carla, thinking he’d get a pat on the back and they’d say no more about it. Instead she narrowed her eyes in a Carla-like way and invited the police to his wedding.
Dramatic that might be, but Corrie is really all about Rob’s fiancee, Tracy Barlow, as the eager bridezilla kept reminding everyone on their wedding day. “How gorgeous am I?” she crowed, before fishing some stray confetti from her cleavage. She was class and brass all the way, instructing her horse-drawn carriage to take the scenic route. A seasoned bride, Tracy knows the drill by now: scrub up, turn up, have a catfight and then divorce/mentally torture/kill your husband. No wonder a communal whisper rang out, “Here he is, the condemned man”, as Rob arrived at the church. But with Carla about to reveal his secret to the police, Rob didn’t know just how condemned he was. A life on the run or a yappy ever after with Tracy? Maybe Carla saved her murdering brother’s bacon after all.
Megan has long been Emmerdale’s most joyous troublemaker, but even she pulled off a masterstroke when she forced lusty Leyla to confess she’d been having an affair with Jai by pretending he was dead. An affair with “mucky, sexy texts”, no less. Leyla’s far too glamorous to even flick her glossy hair in the direction of the humble village, but as she tottered around trying to save her reputation, she showed hidden depths. “I have to protect my assets,” she innuendo-ed. J-Shar has a number of problems and Charity is one. “You ever mess with me again,” she raged. “And you won’t be able to walk, let alone lift a pint.” Tame by Charity’s standards, but a warning worth heeding.
