Walford has seen its fair share of darkness this month, with the injustice of Dean(o) being found not guilty of rape, drug dealer Jay up for helping Ben bump off Paul’s killer and the chilling threat of Carmel taking over as market inspector. But if there’s a list of EastEnders characters you’d like to shove in a freezer and forget about, Aunt Babe has to be near the top. Ever since the long-lost Carter turned back up in the Square brandishing her trademark trifle, she’s been bullying her way towards some sort of chilly comeuppance. And boy did she get one.
Mystery shrouded the identity of the culprit who slammed the door of the Queen Vic’s sub-zero room behind Babe as she was putting the leftovers away, but plenty of residents had a motive for wanting to bump off the malicious old bat. Was it undertaker Les Coker, with his face like a day trip to the embalming fluid factory? Aunt Babe has been blackmailing him about his cross-dressing habit for months. Or Claudette, who’d downed half a bottle of rum on that fateful night after her impressive cleavage had squared up to her earlier in the day?
But wait! Just as it looked like Babe was a goner, Linda and Whitney found her and she was thawed out and back in the Vic for a tasty meal, much to the annoyance of naysayers. “She blackmails your neighbours and gets a beautiful bacon sandwich out if it?” complained Mick.
Sick of Aunt Babe’s manipulation, it turns out it was butter-wouldn’t-melt Abi who shut that door of doom, and now her victim’s out for revenge. “I taught you well, gel,” sneered Babe, as she brutally tenderised her meat. “Except I’d have finished what I started.” Let the way she banged that culinary hammer be a warning to Abi: that woman’s going to bury the hatchet where the sun don’t shine.
Over in Coronation Street, Steve’s love gun has been getting him into trouble. The pug-visaged cabbie has impregnated not one but two fine women of the Street. After a one-night stand with Leanne “Flamin’” Battersby, the ex-belly dancer begat a McDonald heir. Her pregnancy was all hush-hush, so naturally that legendary stirring gobshite Tracy Barlow stepped in to announce the happy news to a packed Rovers. Leanne grabbed twice ex-husband and on-off love interest Nick to pose as the daddy, much to the horror of his mum Gail. “So, just remind me, Nick,” she asked. “When was your wedding to Carla?” Ah yes, that. It must be all of three months ago.
Steve may be off the hook for the time being, but his actual wife Michelle was feeling broody. As he cowered in the cab office begging for a long airport run, it was up to Tim to offer tips on avoiding her lusty advances. “I’d be joining Emily in Peru if Sally so much as suggested having a kid,” he shrugged. Alas it was too late: Michelle’s pregnant too.
Farewell then, to Emmerdale’s Andy Sugden. Hotten’s be-vested beefcake has been a reliable stalwart of the village for 20 years. Reliable, that is, for fuelling storylines about doing terrible deeds by accident – from torching barns and bumping off his teacher to gunning down various members of his family.
It’s a reputation that Chrissie pounced on, framing him for shooting her dad, Lawrence. Chrissie wanted revenge for Andy cheating on her with Bernice who, lest we forget, is technically Andy’s stepsister. Got all that? Optimistically, Andy went on the run and hid in a barn until his brother Rob turned up with a not-at-all-suspect-looking fake passport.
Bernice was right up for becoming a fugitive’s moll, even if she didn’t really understand what she was getting herself into. Andy’s plan was to head to Santander. “To get some cash out?” asked Bernice. “It’s a city,” replied Andy. “In Spain.” And with that, she scuttled back to her beauty salon instead, leaving Andy to speed off in a lorry, soundtracked by Snow Patrol.
Only the most devoted soap fan could watch Duncan from Blue’s arrival in Hollyoaks without hearing the lyrics “One for the money and the free riiiiiiides… all rise” in their head. Instead, he made quite a different entrance as copper Ryan, on the receiving end of a punch in the nose from Ste. “I’m Amy’s fiance,” Ry-Ry smugly announced, smooth as the Milk Tray man dipped in Vaseline. Don’t be surprised if he’s holding Amy hostage and impregnating Ste by Christmas. This is Hollyoaks, after all.
