Oct. 14--Monsters under the bed, Halloween ghosts, missing the school bus, spelling bees and kidnappers.
When you're a kid, you may feel that any number of scary events are threatening to ruin your world.
A study cited by Healthy Children, the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics, found that 43 percent of kids ages 6 to 12 admitted to having a fear -- and those are just the children who admitted to it.
While the fears change over the years, they never quite cease. Your child may not check under the bed for monsters, but he may be one of the thousands who refuse to go to school each day because he's scared of bullies.
Yes, it's a frightening world out there -- and the creepy Halloween costumes and horror movies that define October aren't making it any less so. But parents can help manage their kids' fears, whether these are holiday goblins or bigger hurdles that they need to overcome. Experts weighed in on the best ways to ease those scary thoughts.
1. Embrace the fear. Many parents have a hard time letting their kids be uncomfortable, said Lynn Lyons, New Hampshire-based co-author of "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children" (HCI). "So when a child is struggling with normal fears or worries, parents may tend to step in too quickly," Lyons said. "Nonetheless, families benefit from a new framework that sees uncertainty as a healthy first step toward problem-solving and confidence."
She suggested explaining to children that sometimes when a situation is uncomfortable, then it often means they're on the right track. For example, if they're trying something new or challenging -- like performing or competing or being judged, or when they feel ill-equipped to handle something -- it's natural to be fearful. Explain to your child that she is worried because she wants to be certain, to know everything ahead of time, to control the situation; but because this is impossible, it's normal to be anxious about the unknown.
2. Reinforce healthy behaviors. Parents can help children verbalize coping statements such as, "I am OK, even when things don't go my way," explained Andrea Macari, clinical psychologist and associate psychologist at Suffolk County Community College in Brookhaven, N.Y.
"The goal in verbalizing these coping statements is for the child to internalize them and eventually use them in the future," Macari said. These can be helpful in situations ranging from swim meets to larger challenges faced by older teens. "'I don't like this, but I can handle it,'" is another statement Macari suggests parents teach their children to use.
3. Model calmness. When you're speaking with your child about his or her fear, talk more slowly than usual and in soothing tones, said Laurie Zelinger, board certified psychologist and co-author of "Please Explain Anxiety to Me: Simple Biology and Solutions for Children and Parents" (Loving Healing Press). When your child is fearful, instead of asking him, "Why?" -- which could put him on the defensive -- Zelinger said it's more productive to ask, "What are you thinking about?" or "What do you imagine would happen?" Or try "Describe to me what that looks like."
Allow your child to describe his fear with as many details as he wants, and don't judge him. Instead, you can say things like, "That sounds very scary," to validate his concerns. "Then -- and only after listening -- you could offer information that would dispel that fear," she said, such as, "'Oh, I see that you are worried about bad guys coming into the house, but we have very strong locks on our doors and a burglar alarm, so they won't want to come here.'"
4. Create alternative solutions. If your child is chronically worried about one issue, discuss it and create an alternative solution, along with input from the child, Zelinger said. For example, if your child is worried about missing the bus, you can explain that some days the bus may be early or some days you may be late -- and that's OK. On those days, assure her that she can go to school with a note to explain what happened, and everything will be OK, Zelinger said.
5. Reassure, reassure, reassure. When a child is young, explain that mommy and daddy know how to take care of the problem -- and challenge the fear by showing why it can't happen. One example from Zelinger: "Monsters won't come to our house because we don't keep monster food in our kitchen."
6. Provide comfort, but don't overdo it. When children are scared, it's good to show that you're empathetic to their fears, but if you overdo this, it may make your child think that you share his fears. So after you hug him, you need to show him that you're not afraid, said James Crist, licensed clinical psychologist with the Child Family Counseling Center in Virginia, and author of "What to Do When You're Scared and Worried: A Guide for Kids" (Free Spirit Publishing).
For example, if your child is scared of dogs, you can give your child a hug when a dog approaches, which shows that you understand that he's scared. But then, Crist said, you can say, "'Let's see what he looks like, and if he's friendly or not. Would you like me to try and pet him first?' This way, you are showing empathy for your child's feelings but not indulging them; rather you are encouraging your child to gradually approach the thing your child fears."
Real versus irrational fear: identifying the difference
Children are typically armed with a host of fears, and to a certain extent, these fears are a normal part of childhood development, Macari said. Parents need to learn how to distinguish between rational -- normal -- fear and irrational fears.
"There are certain fears that we want children to possess," Macari said. For example, "stranger danger" fear is healthy because it keeps children safe from predators.
Other times, children have fears because they feel ill-equipped to handle something -- and many times they are correct to have these fears, Lyons said.
"The job of adults is to help children discriminate between valid fears and responses -- if it's thundering, get out of the swimming pool -- and fears that are catastrophic and controlling -- if it thunders, we have to hide in the basement or stay at home all day," Lyons said.
Once any fear is causing sleeping, eating or separation problems, then the fear moves into an irrational zone and may require professional intervention, Macari added.
Danielle Braff is a freelance reporter.
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