MÜLLER CORNER
It being the middle of an international break with not a lot going on, the Fiver has decided to embark on the unique media wheeze of taking some reasonably banal comments made by a mild-mannered footballer, blowing them slightly out of proportion and then sanctimoniously tut-tutting said player for his arrogance. Today, Germany’s Thomas Müller is the man who has fallen under our judgmental gaze for having the audacity to wonder why his team should have to bother playing the likes of San Marino. A predictably one-sided World Cup qualifier between the two sides ended in an 8-0 win for the world champions over the weekend, prompting Herr Müller to ponder the point of it all ... much like the Fiver does every moment of its waking life.
“Matches like the one against San Marino have nothing to do with professional football,” he moaned after his side had swatted aside the part-timers of the mountainous microstate in Serravalle. “I do not understand the meaning of games such as these, more so with such a busy schedule.” Now while the Fiver is prepared to concede that it can kind of see where Müller is coming from on this one, it could be argued that, if nothing else, games such as these could at least be treated as timely confidence-boosters for players enduring uncharacteristic goal droughts in their domestic leagues. The kind of player, for example, who has failed to score in any of his eight Bundesliga appearances this season, and might relish the opportunity to get his eye for goal back in by filling his boots in the inevitable slaughter of San Marino. As luck would have it, Müller is one such player and the Fiver can’t help but feel that his conspicuous absence from a scoresheet featuring eight German goals may have contributed to his slightly sniffy post-match comments.
Notably, the German did concede that, while such games are rather a chore for his team, they are a very big deal indeed for minnows such as San Marino, Gibraltar and Scotland. However, he also believes such mismatches could expose footballing thoroughbreds, such as himself, to unnecessary injury risks when they are forced to go toe-to-toe with part-time cloggers. He is not the first to question the relevance of such cannon fodder. Many before him have wondered if we might not be better served by banishing tiny nations to the early stages of some sort of pre-qualifying qualifying jamboree, from which just one or two would emerge dancing celebratory jigs after earning the right to get tonked 8-0 by the big boys.
Needless to say, this elitist nonsense has incurred the wrath of the San Marinese, with one blazer making the decidedly salient point that Germany don’t actually “own” football. In a lengthy rebuttal of Müller’s comments, Alan Gasperoni also said that games against the World Cup holders provide much-needed revenue for teams such as San Marino and are a source of great pride for those who participate. Mercifully, he stopped just short of name-checking a certain dictator most Germans would rather forget when telling Müller that “history has taught you that ‘bullying’ is not always a guarantee of victory”. Gasperoni finished up his impressive tirade by making the irrefutable point that, while their national team is very good at football, Germany is ultimately a country populated by people who wear “white socks under their sandals”. Somebody summon the fire service quick sharp, because Thomas Müller just got burned.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I got a red card for no reason, I don’t know why. The referee says I started the whole thing, but I was the only one ending on the floor, so how could I have started it?” – Bosnia’s Edin Dzeko pleads innocence after finding a novel way to get sent off against Greece, by yanking down Kyriakos Papadopoulos’s kecks.
FIVER LETTERS
“I very nearly laughed out loud at Dale Sellers’ joke about USA! USA!! USA!!! playing Mexico (Friday’s letters), an event that is as rare as, well, something that is very, very rare indeed. The fact that he did not win letter o’ the day leads me to the sad conclusion that vote rigging has now reached the echelons of Fiver Towers” – Robert Darby (and no other readers who could expect a legal beat-down if we could be bothered).
“Well, thanks for nothing. After years of suffering through my regular tea-timeish dose of nothingness my pulse raced at the thought of finally finding something of interest. How great, I thought, finally acknowledgement of lower league football, a chance to read about the manager of my beloved Southend United. With a thankful heart I embarked upon your latest missive only to wonder, ‘What’s this? There’s no mention of Southend here? I have been lied to and misled’. I blame you entirely. How could you title your email ‘Manifest averageatbestness; and orange glow’ and not expect us to think it is going to be about Phil Brown?” – Sam Carpenter.
“Hmmm. A team for Trump? Probably not Taxpayers FC, I mused. However, on further musing …” – Mike Dunton.
“I understand Diego Garcia’s logic (Friday’s Fiver letters), but if Trump were to favour Manchester United, it surely is more due to his resemblance to their current manager, who has gotten a job he long coveted yet seems utterly miserable. A glance at the tables shows that a wish to retreat from foreign entanglements is another thing they have in common” – Christopher Smith.
“Re: Jeremy Foxon’s musing about what Donald Trump’s favourite English football team might be, may I suggest Blackpool. A club governed by an autocratic family who remained steadfastly unconcerned about the protests of the plebs who support it as it slips into ruins, I feel Trump would find much to admire. Oh, and they’re also called the tangerines …” – Daniel Doody.
“I see the Welsh FA backtracked over the wearing of poppy armbands as they were put off by the thought of paying a financial penalty to Fifa. Couldn’t they have just worn them and then asked Gareth Bale to dip into his newly massive pockets to pay any fine? After all, he is still one of the lads” – Will Laidlaw.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Sam Carpenter, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
An annoying bout of minor issue-knack has led to Wayne Rooney being labelled a doubt to start England’s 2-1 meaningless friendly defeat by Spain on Tuesday.
Bastian Schweinsteiger says he is fit and ready if Manchester United need him. In other news, Granny Fiver says she is fit and ready if Brad Pitt needs her.
Sorry about this. It’s still international fortnight.
As part of some advertising gimmick or other Borussia Dortmund have confirmed that Usain Bolt will indeed train with the club. “It’s no joke,” kerchinged a club suit. “Our coach Thomas Tuchel likes the idea as well. Of course, he won’t visit us in an important week with [Big Cup] matches, but maybe in the pre-season.”
Frank Lampard will have more time to focus on being the next Roald Dahl after announcing that he is to do one from New York City FC.
Roy Carroll, 86, has been plucked from the bingo hall to sit on the bench for Norn Iron 1-0 in their match against Croatia.
Nearly there.
And after scoring a hat-trick on his Germany debut against Thomas Müller’s favourite team, Serge Gnabry has admitted he thought his call-up was a prank. “The coach called me up but I had to think about it for a bit whether it was true or not,” he honked. “There are so many hoax calls from radio shows and I really did not want to be a victim of that.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Is Gareth Southgate the best man for England? Are Wales already doomed in their quest to reach the World Cup? And should Didier Deschamps build his France team around Paul Pogba? Those questions and seven more are answered by International Football Clairvoyant Daniel Harris in the latest round of World Cup qualifying talking points.
“José Mourinho’s an attacking coach; what he’s not is a kamikaze: he doesn’t have us playing like mad men,” says Ander Herrera in this red-hot chat with Sid Lowe.
From Pickford to Pedro and Allen to Amrabat, Paul Doyle picks out the Premier League’s most improved XI.
Ben Fisher was on hand to watch the Posh defeat the Paupers yesterday and concludes that Bolton have much to do if they are to make a Championship return despite being a point off automatic promotion.
Roald “Kniksen” Jensen – aka The Nordic Garrincha – had earned 25 international caps before he was old enough to vote but few football fans know about his magical, unfulfilled talent. Until now.
At 5ft 6in Pedro Garay was an unlikely choice for a bodyguard but the Cuban refugee was trusted with minding Pelé during the Brazilian’s time at New York Cosmos. Michael Lewis recalls a story of handcuffs, pitch invasions and “jackass” photographers.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
