BRUCE GLEE
When The Fiver first heard that Bernard Cribbins had been appointed Aston Villa manager we have to admit that we thought it was a wind-up. You see, the dusty blonde-haired, jolly, svelte-looking man waving a Villa scarf around like a fanboy and wearing a blinding white Hollywood smile for the snappers was not the Cribbins we know and occasionally make passing reference to in Bits and Bobs. No, that one left Hull City two-and-a-half months ago looking as tired and old as his Fiver nickname. This new one was something different altogether, as unidentifiable to The Fiver’s eye as the Cribbins he purports to be’s style of football. Or the DNA of Aston Villa, even.
But if, indeed, it is the Cribbins we know and occasionally make passing reference to in Bits and Bobs, it is an appointment that surely suits both parties. Cribbins MkII can continue his incredible health-kick by teaming up with an owner who makes his millions in the wellbeing industry, while Dr Tony gets a manager who is the embodiment of the kind of makeover he would like to give Villa. The shrewd doc also benefits from appointing a man who has won promotion to the Premier League four times and, despite being known to Villa fans only as “potato head” due to his affinity with Birmingham City, has actually been received well. Could it be that someone at Villa has finally made a good decision?
“It is one of the big clubs of this country. To be given the opportunity to manage it is terrific,” hummed Cribbins MkII, while sat in the lotus position and sipping Echinacea tea. “I relish the challenge of trying to take the club where it wants to go and needs to be – and try to turn around the misfortune we seem to have had over the past few years. I am absolutely delighted to have been given the chance. I hope I can do my stuff.” The Fiver’s not sure what that stuff is but perhaps the lack of any discernible traits in his tactical back catalogue, despite his promotion successes, is Cribbins’ greatest strength. That, and his poetic prose. Another off-the-radar flight into play-off contention would be a feat indeed after the dire start made by a collection of players with so little direction their recent performances could have been sold as a Michael Bay movie. In any case, Cribbins starts that flight against Wolves this weekend in a tasty derby.
And while we’re still on the subject of dusty blonde-haired managerial appointments in the Midlands that made The Fiver do a double-take, welcome back Steve McClaren. “I am delighted at the prospect of finishing what we started,” honked the new Derby manager, 17 months after being shoved through the Derby door marked Do One. Given that Derby currently sit only a couple of places above the drop zone, their new manager has recent experience of relegation, and he also managed to Thelma and Louise their form off a cliff the last time he was there, Derby better be clear about what it is that Steve wants to finish.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Chelsea is a world-class club with a rich tradition” – Nike suit Trevor Edwards on deciding to shell out £60m a season – until 2032! – on a kit deal with the west London loanee farm.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’d just got back from holiday when England lost to Iceland in the Euros, and I drifted off on the sofa just before kick-off and slept through the whole match. So I was delighted to be able to watch the whole game against Slovenia the other night, because when I got to work the next morning, I could actively contribute to all the negative, pessimistic discourse in the office. There is nothing quite like that feeling of arriving at work knowing we can all moan about having wasted 90 minutes of our lives watching a bunch of overpaid athletes fail miserably. No matter how many years I’m blessed with this pleasure, it just never gets old. I can’t wait for the next World Cup” – Dan Makeham.
“Probably been mentioned a few times in the past – but I think that’s a good move by Villa (to appoint Bernard Cribbins). Who better than the voice of the Wombles to clear up that rubbish” – Ian Sargeant.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ian Sargeant.
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BITS AND BOBS
If you happen upon Farhad Moshiri with a tape measure down at Bramley Moore dock on Friday, or see Bill Kenwright waving his spirit level at Stonebridge Cross, it’s because they’re stepping up Everton’s efforts to relocate from Goodison.
The ‘Atlantic league’ looks like a goer for teams in Scotland, Denmark, the Netherlands, Belgium, Norway and Sweden. “Yes it’s true,” whooped FC Copenhagen’s Anders Horsholt. “If we do not act now, we will see the biggest clubs grow larger and stronger while it will be increasingly difficult for clubs like us.”
Arsène Wenger is laughing all the way to Gareth Southgate’s appointment as permanent England manager. “Is Southgate the outstanding candidate for the job? Yes,” he honked. “In England, there’s always the demand for the big names – that is the difficulty. What is most important to me is the competence of the person.”
Stung Mr 15% Scott McGarvey says it was his fault Sam Allardyce lost the England gig. “I can understand if he doesn’t speak to me again,” he sighed. “I need to respect that, but I hope not because we go back a long way. It doesn’t matter if you’re the manager of Crewe and you lose your job but if you’re the manager of England and you lose your job after one game, it’s a joke.”
Liverpool and Manchester United are being proactive in advance of Monday’s game at Anfield. “If any supporters are found to be engaged in any form of offensive or discriminatory behaviour by stewards or via CCTV then they will be immediately removed from the stadium, risk arrest, prosecution and be reported in accordance with the club’s ground regulations,” warned a joint club statement. “This is an unrivalled fixture in the Premier League calendar and we thank all fans for their continued support in this important area of the game.”
And Tottenham’s Mousa Dembélé is suffering from foot-gah and faces more time on the sidelines. “At the end of this week, maybe he can start to train and touch the grass a little bit,” tooted Mauricio Pochettino.
STILL WANT MORE?
As Jürgen and José prepare to lock horns on Monday, tactics brainbox Jonathan Wilson assesses what unites and divides them – liderazgo.
Speaking of Klopp, you can see the hipsters’ choice (before he got too famous) strutting his stuff on the bowling green, as well as a rabona in Verona, and much more besides, in our weekly YouTube wrap.
Bernard Cribbins may have been a bit of a hate figure for Aston Villa fans when at Birmingham, admits Louise Taylor, but his Championship-promotion credentials mean the freshly madeover boss could be the man to turn things round.
Premier League players should be returning from the frustrating lull that is the international break raring to go, but Wayne Rooney may not be – his chances to shine are getting ever rarer, reckons Paul Wilson.
Don’t bring us solutions, bring us problems. Daniel Taylor and Dominic Fifield present six of them, facing England, after the past week’s snoozefests.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
