'Has anyone seen my dignity?' ... Dustin Diamond. Photograph: Karen Sherlock/AP
Prepare yourself for a Zach Attack; Saved by the Bell is being revisited and this time it's all about extra-curricular activities. Dustin Diamond, or to give him his real name, Screech, is writing a tell-all book about the show and is promising to leave nothing out. Details are sparse but tales of "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use and hardcore partying" are promised. What would Principal Belding say?
The years haven't been kind to Diamond. While all the other characters got to escape, Screech stayed on at Bayside High acting as Mr Belding's assistant in spin-off The New Class. After playing the loveable geek for 12 years, Diamond was spat out onto the wasteland along with so many child actors. While Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez (Zach and AC Slater, if you don't remember that wonderful opening sequence) have gradually made names for themselves elsewhere, Diamond has had trouble leaving Screech behind.
He's launched a chess video and made himself available for the US version of Celebrity Fit Club (despite always looking like AC Slater could split him in half). Neither quite paid the bills and a few years ago, he was faced with $250,000 to pay or lose his house. Diamond did the dignified and responsible thing; he went on Howard Stern's show and tried to flog T-shirts. If enough were sold, his house would be safe.
Worse still, for us at least, a sex tape featuring Diamond was released, some say not by accident. You'll forgive me for not providing a link. Perhaps he should talk to fellow cast member Elizabeth Berkley; after shedding her prissy Jessie character along with her clothes in the so-bad-you-can't-look-away classic Showgirls, she's America's newest agony aunt with her unbelievably cloying website (and forthcoming MTV show) Ask Elizabeth.
As someone who considers himself an honorary student of Bayside High (Go Tigers!), the idea of a tell-all book leaves me with mixed feelings. The thought of secrets finally being shared is undoubtedly an exciting one - just what happened behind the scenes during that Las Vegas special? What could Kelly Kapowski, everyone's favourite cheerleader, have to hide? And that Brokeback Mountain/Saved by the Bell parody is just a joke, right?
Still, part of me likes the innocence of it all and wants to keep it that way (in Saved by the Bell, hardcore partying meant an extra milkshake at The Max). Besides, how can I believe stories of drug use amongst the cast when they campaigned so vigorously (and hilariously) against them: "There's no hope with dope!"
