Geopolitics is really starting to mess with my autumn/winter wardrobe. While the UN conveniently sits in silence, government officials around the world can’t seem to shut up about what women should or shouldn’t wear.
India’s tourism minister, for example, has just advised that foreign women shouldn’t wear skirts “for their own safety”. Meanwhile a number of French mayors are nobly continuing to ban the burkini even after France’s highest administrative court ruled the ban illegal. These mayors care about women’s right to bare arms and are willing to break the law for it. Ladies, you should be grateful.
And I certainly don’t want to sound ungrateful. I think it’s great that politicians understand that women’s rights are often simply a matter of the right sort of clothing. It’s laudable that so many men are encouraging us to exercise sartorial safety. But here’s the thing: if you’re going to become the fashion police you need to take your policing a little more seriously. All of this advice is very confusing, occasionally conflicting and doesn’t seem terribly well thought out. Is a skort as dangerous as a skirt, for example? Is a sarong just as wrong? And can we have an official verdict on the burkini already before burkini season is over?
I’m sure a lot of women are as concerned about inadvertently dressing inappropriately as I am. So while we wait for the UN to get their act together and sort out some sort of official female dress code we can all abide by, I’ve put together some pointers on dressing while female. Please note, of course, that these are only guidelines and you should always double-check your outfit with a man.
Bikinis in Israel
While the French are saying non to burkinis, their sluttier sister, the bikini, appears equally out of fashion in Israel. A performance by singer Hanna Goor at a government-organized event was recently cut short because, apparently, her shorts were too short and she was wearing a bikini top. The culture ministry, shocked and saddened by what the public had endured, noted that they would work to ensure correct dress at future events.
As an editorial in Haaretz noted: “The modesty regime that the culture ministry is trying to enforce on events meant for the general public is the mirror image of France’s unconstitutional burkini law.”
Started from the burkini bottoms now we here, eh?
Bikinis in any country whatsoever if you’re not beach body ready
It’s irresponsible to wear a bikini unless you’ve got a six pack and a thigh gap. This may not be official legislation in most countries – but the media and advertising industry helpfully ensure that women are cognizant of these rules all around the world.
High heels in a professional environment
In May, a London receptionist was sent home from her first day at corporate accountancy firm PwC after refusing to wear heels. Around the same time a waitress at a Canadian restaurant was told she couldn’t change out of her heels even though her feet were bleeding. I have very little sympathy for these women. Yes, heels can be incredibly painful and result in debilitating foot deformities – but have you seen Jurassic World? If Bryce Dallas Howard can dodge dinosaurs and sprint through a muddy jungle while wearing 3.5-inch pumps, you should probably just get a decent podiatrist and suck it up!
Headphones near a man
What if a man wants to talk to you but can’t because you’re rudely covering your ears? Show a little more consideration, ladies, you know you want to.
Pants on a plane
In February, after a two-year dispute, female crew members on British Airways were finally given the right to wear trousers as well as skirts. If you work for Virgin Atlantic, however, then your right to wear trousers is considered on a case-by-case basis. And Etihad doesn’t have a trouser option for its female flight crew. Ettore Bilotta, who designed the Etihad uniform, told the press that: “Females in the inflight crew were not allowed to wear trousers, because the element of femininity had to be emphasised.” If there isn’t enough femininity in the cabin it can really mess with in-flight safety, I guess.
Flats at a film festival
The second biggest fashion faux pas in Cannes, after a burkini, is having the audacity to try and attend Cannes Film Festival in rhinestone flats. It doesn’t matter if part of your foot has been amputated, nobody wants your excuses. Please wear heels like a self-respecting woman.
Lacy lingerie in Kazakhstan
In 2014, a trade ban prohibited the import, production or sale of synthetic lace underwear in Russia, Belarus and Kazakhstan. Not long after, 30 women were arrested for protesting against the ban by wearing lace underwear on their heads and shouting “freedom to panties!” What these women didn’t understand, of course, was the ban was for their own good; the government explained they were simply protecting women’s vaginal health. Kazakhstan has issues like the shrinking of the Aral Sea, the devaluation of its currency and radioactive contamination to deal with, but it took time out of its busy schedule to focus on panties. Sometimes women are so ungrateful.
Leggings or yoga pants in the US
Not appropriate in a number of American high schools, apparently. A Republican in Montana attempted to ban yoga pants from the state last year but was unsuccessful. So for now Montana remains a largely Lululemon safe zone.
Miniskirts in Uganda
In 2014, Uganda attempted to ban the miniskirt. A number of men tried to help the government out by forcefully undressing any women they saw wearing miniskirts in public. Eventually the Ugandan government was forced to clarify that the miniskirt wasn’t entirely banned. Simon Lokodo, Uganda’s ethics and integrity minister, clarified: “Put on a miniskirt but please don’t expose your thighs, your buttocks and your genitalia. Finished.” Finally, some clear advice! India, are you listening?
