The dragons of Dragons’ Den (BBC1, Sunday) are Komodo dragons today, flicking their long forked tongues out, drooling venom, clawing menacingly. At each other mostly, there’s no love in the den right now.
Is this a pitch for people who buy cheap shoes, Peter Jones asks Charlotte, who’s looking for investment in her colourful Shoelick stickers for the soles of ladies’ footwear. Not cheap shoes, corrects Duncan, low-cost shoes: “Not everyone’s as rich as you Peter.” Duncan Bannatyne, champion of the people.
Also a man of letters. “It’s a bit like the Shakespeare question: to be, or not to be?” he says. “Shoelick, or not shoelick?”
Well a BIT like it, I suppose, Duncan, in as much as deciding whether to invest in Charlotte’s sole stickers is similar to contemplating suicide. The reason he’s brought the Bard into the den is that Charlotte is an actor. Her most recent role was in Peppa Pig, playing Miss Rabbit, who does have something of Ophelia about her, I guess.
Peter is not impressed by Duncan’s literary pretensions, though. “Oh for God’s sake Duncan,” he says. “You don’t know who Shakespeare is, you think it’s a beer.”
“I know about fashion – Peter probably doesn’t,” says Kelly Hoppen, hopping on the snarky bus.
“If you think this is good, you know nothing about fashion,” snaps Peter.
Deborah Meaden says she’ll be quick, then isn’t. Which Duncan is quick to pick up on: why did she say she’d be quick, then give “a long drawn-out speech?” Ouch. And that’s how they go on, fighting among themselves, snidey-biting, bitchy-scratching, and dribbling venom from their scaly mouths.
Evan Davis tries to lighten things with some gentle punning. “Peter Jones may have already adopted coloured shoe soles, but that hasn’t stopped him from trampling all over Charlotte’s idea.” And: “Compliments, but no cash, as Kelly Hoppen turns on her heels from the chance to invest.” And: “So that’s it for the theatrical entrepreneur as the curtain is brought down on her performance.”
Charlotte doesn’t get any money, from anyone. The dragons get her to turn around for them, and do her Miss Rabbit. And then send her away with nothing. “What a lovely lady,” says Peter.
And so it continues. Andy and Dan, who used to be market traders, have a website selling clearance food. Peter gets them to do their patter, as if they were back on their stalls, to amuse the dragons. Then he doesn’t invest, he’s out. And Piers Linney, the cloud dragon, is almost there, he’s umming and ahing, but … no, he’s not going to get there, today. (Maybe if it had been another day?)
That’s Piers’s thing today, to not quite get there. “I’ve been doing this,” he tells Ryan the designer toothbrush dude, waving his hand to indicate changes of mind. “Erm … But just don’t think I’m going to get there on this one. But good luck anyway.” To be honest I’m wavering myself, between getting, and not getting, the point of Piers, as a dragon. And … no, I’m not going to quite get there on this one – see the point of him, today. At least the other dragons are vile, which works on television. Good luck though.
Ryan leaves with nothing. “That valuation brushed me up the wrong way,” says Peter, looking dead chuffed with his own wit. What? Because that’s a well known expression, is it Peter, to brush someone up the wrong way? Is that in Shakespeare’n’all?
Perhaps he should leave the punning to Evan. It’s certainly a job he’s taking very seriously: they just keep on coming. Ryan “fought tooth and nail” for his brushes. Simon’s chess sets have a “king-sized price tag”, his valuation is “anything but a smart move”, Deborah puts him into “checkmate with her assessment of his sales prospects …” Evan! Stop it! Seriously, it’s doing my head in.
Oh, Simon, too, goes away empty-handed, of course. They all do, until right at the end, Dana and Levi, who deliver clothes to men in boxes, because men don’t like to go shopping. Hell that’s a good idea, isn’t it? Clever software too, if it works. I actually went to their website, to take a look.
The dragons are impressed too. This time they are fighting in a different way, to get a piece of Dana and Levi. Still Komodo dragons, but now they smell meat, and money, and they’re hungry. Who comes out victorious? Kelly and Piers. Piers! He actually got there, in the end, today. Good luck.
