PAINTED INTO A CORNER
In a time of half-and-half scarves, Donald Trump and Paul Hollywood’s $exxxxx beard, The Fiver knows better than most how levity can lift a Wednesday afternoon. In these desperate times, it is heartening to know that people have retained their sense of humour. For when just 1,355 Portsmouth fans arrived to watch their side’s 2-2 draw with Reading U-23s in the revamped Sherpa Van Trophy on Tuesday night – their lowest crowd of the postwar era and 92% down on the 17,000 that turned out last weekend – the club’s official page on social media disgrace Twitter responded with pictures of a near-empty Fratton Park, captioned with: “The atmosphere’s building …”
Sarcasm alive and well on the south coast, then, but not just in PO4. All over the land, backsides were very much absent from seats as #BTeamBoycott took effect – a supporter protest against the new FA-supported rules for the previously painted competition, which used to offer lower-league clubs their realistic chance of seeing their side at Wembley. Now Championship and Premier League sides swamp the competition with their Charlie Adam-inflated academy outfits, and those below are forced to start five first-team players, stretching their already meagre resources.
Bradford City, under the watchful eyes of literally dozens of fans, craftily substituted their first-choice keeper Colin Doyle three minutes into the game against Bury. “I thought he had a poor 45 seconds,” sniffed assistant manager Kenny Black, tongue wedged firmly into his cheek. Indeed, if you didn’t laugh, you’d only end up crying [reader, you’ll understand this better than most – Fiver Ed]. MK Dons manager Karl Robinson opted for the latter: “How can we have a development trophy for Premier League teams who can do what they want, yet we can’t develop our own players in it?” he fumed. “I think the rules need to change drastically, or don’t have the competition. I don’t think it is conducive to development anymore. I think it’s rubbish.”
Dan Ashworth, FA technical director, remains unmoved: “The principle of revamping the [Freight Rover] Trophy has been excellent,” he trumpeted. With the aim of furthering the development of young talent, it’s almost as though the world’s richest football association is punishing those at the bottom of the ladder, rather than addressing its own failings and investment.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I feel like a loaded gun” – Manchester United’s Memphis Depay also has nowhere to run and no one can save him, the damage is done.
NEXT GENERATION 2016
Sixty, count ‘em, of the best young footballers who, lucky for them, weren’t even born when the Vengaboys were in their pomp. And this is our check-in with the classes of 2015 and 2014.
FIVER LETTERS
“Reading yesterday’s Bits and Bobs I noticed shock England call-up Glenn Johnson had suffered an unspecified ‘knack’ and withdrawn from the squad. I can’t help but suspect the FA put a stop to his inclusion so it doesn’t risk any more bad press or ‘told you so’ incidents. For younger Fiver readers or those with short memories” – Ben North.
“What? The Iceland manager meets strangers before matches and nonchalantly spills football secrets while boozing it up (yesterday’s Bit and Bobs)? Sounds like the perfect gig for Bigsamsson” – Peter Oh.
“Beautiful young girls offering Ghana’s footballers ‘too much $ex’ (yesterday’s Quote of the Day)? Has former Black Stars forward and Asante Kotoko technical director, Malik Jabir, finally found the solution for The Fiver’s long-running STOP FOOTBALL campaign?” – Justin Kavanagh.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Peter Oh.
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BITS AND BOBS
The SFA has charged Pope’s Newc O’Rangers midfielder Joey Barton over allegedly placing 44 bets on football matches.
Karren Brady’s been flapping her gums about the altruistic joy that is Taxpayers FC’s corporate revolution. When she arrived at Upton Park, the suit situation was delicate, given “£100m debt” and “no culture”. So they moved grounds, and who wasn’t touched by “a real opportunity to change the brand values of the club”. Teach it to your children. But why stop there? Exactly. So, hot on the heels of box-office smash, Being: Liverpool, the club have announced that they too will immortalise themselves in celluloid. Iron Men will tell the tale that has gripped football. “We are in the London Stadium and we added the word London to our crest because we thought it had real global appeal,” purred Brady. “Nobody else does it and that’s exactly where we are. We are in the heart of London, in the foothills of the financial centre.”
Good old Napoli owner Aurelio de Laurentis is also at the same suits summit, and has some opinions too, congratulating Margaret Thatcher for the stadium upgrades which underpinned the success of the Premier League. Someone buy that man a newspaper.
Neil Warnock is the new manager of Cardiff City. “I’ve always had good b@nter with the Cardiff people,” he cheered.
Austria coach Marcel Koller has been ingratiating himself with Thursday’s World Cup qualifying opponents, Wales. “You need to be lucky. That is what we saw in the Euros,” he blootered. “Wales were lucky sometimes and sometimes you need to be lucky such as when a striker shoots against the crossbar or the post. During the Euros they were lucky that a match did not turn in another direction.”
Spirit of Shankly, the Liverpool supporters’ group, is to consult its members and the Hillsborough families over the possible reintroduction of safe standing.
And Fifa blazer Victor Montagliani reckons that giving the World Cup to Russia and Qatar is “the best thing that happened in football” as it fights corruption. “I’m just wondering if the authorities that have stepped up their involvement in the game would’ve done that if the choices had been a bit different,” he actually said out loud.
STILL WANT MORE?
Wayne Rooney’s still got it, says Wayne Rooney. Even though Sam Allardyce “battered” him.
When Leyton Orient went down to nine men after 14 minutes against Plymouth, The Knowledge knew its email sack would be bulging. And so it proved. What’s the fastest a team has been reduced to nine?
A sumptuous chip in Sheffield and a solo stunner in Rotherham. It’s goals of the week.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang said in the summer he’d stay at Dortmund for the foreseeable future. Tittle-tattle in the Mill suggests he may have foresight issues.
And USA! USA!! USA!!! college soccer is being properly ruined by its unlimited subs rule. Jamie Trecker explains.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
