To get a look at the Downton Abbey (ITV) Christmas special I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement to rival the Official Secrets Act and then my copy destroyed itself after one viewing. So I’m expecting BIG THINGS from this.
Like, oh my God, Lord Grantham is DYING, that’s majorly big. Oh, except he’s not, just an ulcer it turns out. Well that’s good, I suppose. What about this though, Bates CONFESSES! To the murder of the evil butler. Except he’s only doing so to get Anna out of prison, plus he has an alibi in York. God is this hedunnit-shedunnit-whocareswhodunnit, the most tedious, dragged-out soap (yes soap) storyline ever? Hang them both I say and be done with it. #HangThemBoth
The Granthams are off to stay in a castle in Northumberland which offers a change of scenery at least. Plus shooting. Toffs are best with guns I think, on some miserable wet moor, with the whiff of cordite on the breeze, and dead fowl falling from the sky. Julian Fellowes enjoys bird-murder and does it well. Some splendid unpleasantness and snobbery too, from both Lord Sinderby and his butler Stowell (Alun Armstrong guesting).
“How do you get rid of all this scum?” someone says, downstairs, but they’re talking soup, not plebs. Brothgate, a thrilling subplot, starring Sue Johnston. There’s new love interest, for the ladies, Mary and even Edith. For the latter, a suitably wet land agent called Bertie. And for Mary a more dashing chap who vaults into his Bentley (possibly) without opening the door. Twat. I should think they’ll get strung along and out and that nothing will come of either.
More love children emerge from the wooden panels, everyone’s got one it seems. I like Lady Mary’s approach to children: “Why don’t you just shut them up in the attic and let them out when they’re 21?” The merchandise department should do a Lady Mary parenting guide, that would do well, I think. And a Dowager Countess sex tape, with her comedy Russian prince, who’s back, for one last pop, before they pop their clogs.
Back to Downton, and Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes are sneaking in another sly glass together, then he pops a question … oh my god, THE question, where did that come from? “I do want to be stuck with you,” he says, romantically. It is romantic, and rather sweet too, a secret worth non-disclosing. Of course I’ll marry you, you old booby, I thought you’d never ask she says. Arrrrr.
Upstairs there’s a magnificent Christmas tree in the hall (much better than the Call the Midwife one, below), and carols (Mary’s got a nice voice it turns out). And a drunken speech from Lord Grantham, who’s not dying remember, yay. And a round of applause for Tom, for social mobility, making it up from downstairs, in spite of all the snobbery. It touching … God, have I fallen for this nonsense? Then Bates creeps in. Oh eff off Bates, you miserable worm.
The Christmas tree in Call the Midwife (BBC1) is too high for the ceiling at Nonnatus House. A man has to lop a bit of the top off, and that provides much merriment and mirth. As does Miranda Hart’s character Chummy, who’s a sort of walking, talking Christmas tree. Vanessa Redgrave narrates cosily, like the message printed inside a greetings card: “Christmas comes at the closing of the year, it is a time for reaching out, looking back, finding comfort in the magic of the season that endures…” Urgh.
It’s not all nostalgic warmth, jollity and dancing snowflakes though. Because here’s a cruel mother and baby house, where illegitimate children are born, then the little bastards are given away. And a woman who’s had an enforced tubal ligation, and a lobotomy, a bit lopped off the top of her, in 1959!
It’s like that, CTM – misery memoir, with a nice mug of Horlicks to make everything OK. I’m not a big fan of Horlicks, or the misery memoir. But this got to me too a little I’m afraid I couldn’t help being moved, by the separation of mothers from their babies. Must be the time of year.
In The Queen’s Garden With Alan Titchmarsh (ITV), Alan Titchmarsh is in The Queen’s garden, as you’d expect. Being obsequious, as you’d expect. Oh, what an honour, and a privilege … oh shut up.
Then, with Professor Mick, the mushroom man, they find a fly agaric, noted for its hallucinogenic properties … Oh go on Alan, please, slip a piece to head chef Mark here in the palace kitchen, to jolly up the royal yule log. Happy Christmas, Your Royal Tripping-off-your-titsness.
And another thing... The Boy in The Dress (BBC1, 6.55pm, tonight) is lovely
