ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER MADRID DERBY
Bang! Clank! Ouch! Oh, hi there, reader, you join us just as The Fiver is in its workshop/office/bedroom/toilet/pavement trying to knock up a placard calling for donations from the public to poor Real Madrid, who find themselves in a state of near destitution as they prepare to contest tonight’s second leg of their Big Cup quarter-final against city rivals Atlético, with the tie fiendlishly poised at 0-0. Real have already faced their bullying neighbours seven times this season and failed to win even once, and tonight they must cope without Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema and Luka Modric, who are all knacked, Marcelo, who is suspended, and Alan Pardew, whom they have not yet got around to appointing.
It’s all very well divvying up practically all of La Liga’s TV revenue with their business partners in Catalonia, but having to go through the formality of actually beating other teams on the pitch, too, is proving very wearisome for Real. So come on, reader, give generously!
Bang! Clank! Ouch! No, reader, we’re not still making that placard, because we’ve just realised that we’ve run out of wood and don’t know where to find any more. That’s right, reader, The Fiver can’t get wood, no need to labour the point. Bang! Clank! Ouch! That then, reader, is the likely soundtrack to tonight’s clash at the Bernabéu, as Atlético get stuck into their neighbours and Real grow frustrated at their inability to penetrate and the tussle degenerates into pushing and shoving and rolling and biting and kicking and mewling and puking [basically the good stuff – Fiver Ed]. “We want to savour and enjoy more nights like these because they don’t come around often,” blared Diego Simeone before that eighth meeting with Real this season.
The Rojiblancos have problems too, much more serious ones than the fact that most English speakers have no idea who the Rojiblancos are, which is why hipsters should cease using the term forthwith. Firstly, Mario Suárez is suspended. Secondly, Mario Mandzukic may not be fit enough to resume his entertaining strop with Dani Carvajal and Sergio Ramos. But Simeone is putting on a brave face. “We have players who can keep us safe at the back,” he said, before adding almost as an afterthrought: “And attack, if possible.”
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Barry Glendenning for MBM coverage of Real Madrid 1-1 Atlético Madrid (1-1 agg, Atlético win on away goals) from 7.45pm BST, while Paul Doyle will be on hand for Monaco 0-1 Juventus (0-2 agg).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When he was younger, he liked to party. Now he is quieter” – Jesper Hansen discusses Évian team-mate and Denmark striker Nicki Bille Nielsen, who faces a potential eight-year stretch in the big house, accused of biting a police officer.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
When asked to put together a fancy video previewing tonight’s Madrid derby, The Fiver thought it would call on stereotypical Spanish cousin, Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Acoustic Guitar Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver for help. Sadly he was still asleep at the time of going to press send, so here’s Sid Lowe and assorted Spanish hacks instead.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
A triple-threat of (home) Premier League tickets up for grabs: West Brom v Liverpool, Southampton v Tottenham and Burnley v Leicester. Enter now!
FIVER LETTERS
“As always the FA semis brought to mind the day we went to Wembley. The game was over and, as we drove across London, we stopped for petrol. I had bagsied shotgun and, being in the passenger seat, was dispatched to get drinks and snacks for the journey home. I got out of the car, my mate’s black Golf, and went into the garage, bought a bag full of goodies and returned to the car, busily trying to open a pork pie with my teeth. I opened the door, climbed in and turned around to say something when I noticed the car was completely empty apart from a small Pakistani gentleman in the driver’s seat, who I’d never seen before in my life. We both screamed in unison. He: ‘Don’t hurt me!’ And me: ‘What’s happening?!?’ As I scrambled backwards out of the car, pork pie lost forever in his passenger foot-well, it became apparent that the Golf I had climbed into was parked directly in front of the one I should have climbed into, complete with three braying idiots, roaring with laughter and shouting ‘Aaaah!!’ I laugh about it now, but I still think about that pie from time to time” – Marten Allen.
“The Fiver’s knowledge of teutonic culinary etiquette is abysmal. You put Senf on your Thüringer Rostbratwurst, not Salz (yesterday’s Fiver)” – Steffen Wagner.
“Re: scientists and stats (yesterday’s Fiver). I suspect your eggheads may have to come up with some new formula when it comes to dealing with Bayern” – Neil Speight.
“For the new crop of Fiver nicknames (yesterday’s Fiver letters), how about you just apply the $ from $tevie Mbe to Raheem $terling? Even though Raheem £terling would be more appropriate, the inaccuracy and laziness of $terling seems more in keeping with The Fiver” – Brian Saxby.
“Here is my tuppence worth: UFC’s Diego Costa / Nigel Pearson? Jack Grealish could be called Morrissey – Irish blood, English heart, etc. I will continue to think and probably send more” – Karl Gibbons.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Marten Allen.
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BITS AND BOBS
A leading fire investigator has described the prospect of there being no new inquiry into the 1985 Bradford disaster as “moralistically impossible”.
0.07% of people in Chile follow Burnley. Indeed. Anyway, which Premier League club is most popular on Twitter where you live? Find out here.
Spartak Moscow have lost an appeal against sanctions for another racist misstep: they face a two-game ban on away fans, and a hefty £2,460 fine.
Good news for hard working people: Tory ambassador Karren Brady plans to cut West Ham ticket prices for 2016-17 thanks to the economic “game-changer” of the club’s Olympic Stadium move. An economic game-changer paid for by you, the hard working people.
Spurs keeper Hugo Lloris has a Big Cup dream, which means he’ll probably be off in the summer.
Nickname news: Everton boss Bobby M says he won’t rush into a full-time Everton move for Aaron Lennon. “At the end of the season, that is the moment to sit down, to have a three-way conversation to see where that will take us. But the focus now is to see Azza enjoying his football in the next four games.”
Real Madrid legend Zinedine Zidane + public admiration of Eden Hazard = transfer saga, day one.
Former Middlesbrough defender Gianluca Festa is the new head coach of Cagliari after beleagured Zdenek Zeman did one.
And Rafa Benítez has joined the list of managers definitely not replacing Manuel Pellegrini at Manchester City. Either that, or he’s issued a come-and-get-me-plea. “I have not had contacts with City,” he parped. “Unlike what I’ve read in England.”
STILL WANT MORE?
‘A Jupp-flavoured Pep-era performance.’ Barney Ronay watches the trouser-ripper and his team’s routing of Porto.
This is just lovely. The Unseen Brian Clough.
The Knowledge: impress your friends, real or made-up, with this week’s round-up of hot football trivia.
George, Kevin-Prince and Jérôme Boateng: football’s intriguing band of brothers.
Dominic Fifield looks at the return of Juve’s Patrice Evra to Monaco.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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‘IT’S JUST A RUMOUR THAT WAS SPREAD AROUND TOWN’
