Foreign policy and immigration dominated the first Republican presidential debate. But for all the talk about securing the border, not a single word was mentioned about America’s northern border. While Donald Trump and friends are focused solely on Mexico, it’s the Toronto Blue Jays of Canada who are threatening to dominate America’s pastime.
Looking back, we can see how the Canadian menace has grown over the past year while America has stood by doing nothing. In November, Canadian-born Blue Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos took Josh Donaldson from supposed American genius Billy Beane. Blue Jays fans then gave Donaldson the most votes in All-Star history. Two weeks ago, baseball’s best shortstop Troy Tulowitzki, was sent to Toronto for a broken down Jose Reyes. Then another great American player, pitcher David Price, was acquired by Toronto. Meanwhile, not a single great Canadian baseball player was acquired by an American team. In the days since the trade deadline, the Blue Jays have been unstoppable, going from outside the playoff chase to just 1.5 games out of first place. They just swept the Yankees in New York. The Yankees. The Canadian takeover is not exactly subtle.
America’s humiliation has extended beyond baseball, too. Toronto rapper Drake humiliated Philadelphia’s Meek Mill with a diss track featuring Blue Jay hero Joe Carter. Imagine what America will be subjected to if the Blue Jays win another World Series this year. Will Drake set his sights on Yankee fan Jay-Z and secure his place as the greatest rapper of all-time by rhyming something with “Tulowitzki”? Jay-Z and Beyonce being destroyed in verse is not a wound from which the United States would soon recover.
America must act soon or we will see a World Series flag fly in a country in a part of the world that isn’t the US again. That’s unacceptable. The 31 August trade deadline will be here soon enough. We have three weeks to build a wall on our northern border before the Blue Jays acquire more American baseball talent to use against us. If Donald Trump truly wants to “Make America Great Again,” he must turn his squinty gaze to the north, to Canada, to America’s true threat.
Quote of the Week
We need to tell fans: ‘You can insult, but you cannot assault.’ We know you’re upset. We lost three in a row. We’re sorry. But just keep it to insults, not assaults - Mark Teixeira, Yankees first baseman, after he got tangled up with a fan while trying to catch a foul ball on Sunday. Earlier in the same game, team-mate Brett Gardner was struck in the head by a ball thrown onto the field by a fan.
That request by Teixeira is more than reasonable. Unfortunately, people who think they can assault athletes can’t be reasoned with. You’d know that if you weren’t a moron, Teixeira. (See, Yankees fans. That’s how you do it. I just insulted one of your players, but I did not punch him. Give it a try!)
Stat of the Week
3-3, 12 Stephen Strasburg went 3-for-3 and struck out 12 batters in Washington’s win over the Rockies Saturday night, becoming the third pitcher in baseball history to strikeout out 12 or more and get three hits in the same game. Adam Wainwright of the Cardinals did it once before and retired major leaguer Camilo Pascual did it twice.
Pascual is not in the Hall of Fame, but he has a strong case. He led the American League in strikeouts three times (1961-1963), won 174 games and struck out 2,167 in his career, had a devastating curveball and was one of the first great Cuban players in the majors. But his biggest contribution to baseball was advising the A’s to draft Jose Canseco. If it wasn’t for Pascual, we wouldn’t be able to experience things like this:
I wonder what I would look like as a woman. Move over Caitlyn
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) July 30, 2015
Or this:
Come home poop
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) August 5, 2015
Camilo Pascual belongs in the Hall of Fame.
This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team
Rusney Castillo, OF, Red Sox - 9-for-20, 5 RBI, 2 SB
Luis Valbuena, 3B, Astros - 7-for-16, 2 HR, 3 RBI
James Loney, 1B, Rays - 8-for-19, HR, 4 RBI
Marcus Semien, SS, A’s - 9-for-22, 2 HR, 6 RBI
Aaron Brooks, P, A’s - 14.1 innings, 12 strikeouts, 1 win, 1.26 ERA
Railes Iglesias, P, Reds - 12.2 innings, 11 strikeouts, 1 win, 2.13 ERA
Reader Twitter Question of the Week
@DJGalloEtc What's the deal with stadium peanuts?
— Scoops Maroun (@ejmaroun) August 2, 2015
We may be witnessing the de-peanutification of baseball due to allergy concerns. Some stadiums have peanut-free sections and the Triple-A Indianapolis Indians banned peanuts from an entire game earlier this season. The Florence (Kentucky) Freedom of the Frontier League have been peanut-free since 2014.
Of course, some are decrying this development as evidence that America is becoming an nation of oversensitive weaklings, which is not a hard argument to make if you’re the kind of person whose throat doesn’t swell shut whenever you’re in the general vicinity of a legume. Let’s just hope the debate about peanuts in baseball spurs debate about the place of Cracker Jack in baseball.
Cracker Jack is disgusting and this fact is not open for debate.
Phillies-ness of the Week
The Phillies continue to be an unstoppable baseball force and, after having the best record in baseball over the past three weeks, have managed to sneak past the Marlins in the race for the second-worst record in baseball. Let’s check in with the Phillies to see if they’re staying humble:
.@Padres comeback attempt comes up juuuuuust a bit short. pic.twitter.com/GiBK4PAOXy
— Phillies (@Phillies) August 9, 2015
Cubs World Series Odds: On the Rise!
The Cubs are an unstoppable baseball force almost on par with the Phillies. They’ve won four in a row and nine of 10, thanks in no small part to rookie Kyle Schwarber, who is hitting .385 with 3 home runs and 9 RBI in August.
“It’s easy to see the numbers,” fellow Cubs rookie Kris Bryant said of Schwarber this week. “But he brings more of a presence. That’s more important than any home run or double you can hit.” No. That’s not true. But it’s a nice sentiment.
A-Rod-Ness of the Week
David Ortiz said this week of Alex Rodriguez’s big season: “The guy is playing the game the right way now - as far as we know.”
Statements like these are why Ortiz is a fan favorite. It’s because he thinks like us. He sees an older player putting up big numbers, an older player with PED usage in his past, and can’t help but be skeptical. David Ortiz is exactly like us, just much bigger and stronger.
10 Things He’d Think She’d Think We’d Think
1) I appreciate all the good questions I get each week from readers for this column. However, I am a bit disappointed I have never received a Twitter question from the esteemed MassiveDumps4U. It’s definitely something to aspire to in my career.
Well, @MassiveDumps4U, Pittsburgh is not on the East Coast. You can check it here: https://t.co/d882Ds5ULA
— Buster Olney (@Buster_ESPN) August 10, 2015
2) The Mariners lost 11-3 in 11 innings to the Rangers on Saturday night. Did they lose because their bullpen collapsed? Nope. They lost because, according to manager Lloyd McClendon, they failed to bunt Seth Smith to third with no outs in the 10th inning. “We should have won the ballgame. We failed to get the bunt down to get him over, and the rest is history.” Yes, it was the failed bunt, not the genius plan to give away an out to move a guy who was already in scoring position over another base that did the Mariners in. When McClendon gets fired after the season, he’ll probably will think it was because of all the sac bunts that didn’t go his way.
3) Mike Trout hit another home run on his birthday. He’s done that three times now and he’s only been in the league for four years. It’s impressive, sure, but it’s not abnormal for people to treat themselves on their birthday. Some of us have a few extra beers and eat an entire bag of chips while watching whatever is on HBO, some hit 95 mph fastballs out of sight. It’s really about lifestyle choice.
4) I get that karma wants to destroy Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria. But if it could stop doing it by hurting Giancarlo Stanton and Jose Fernandez all the time that would be ideal. I don’t want to get bad karma by telling karma how to do things, but Loria should be the one breaking and tearing things.
5) The Mets are in first place. But very Mets things are still happening to them. This week reliever Jerry Blevins was lost for the season when he fell off a curb and broke his arm. Fell off a curb. Now, it’s easy to laugh at the thought of someone falling off a curb. Curbs are only three or four inches off the ground, right? But maybe Blevins is only and inch or two tall and falling off a curb to him is like falling off a cliff. OK, I just checked and Jerry Blevins is listed at 6ft 6in. So your initial instinct to laugh at him was correct.
6) The legend of Rusty Kuntz continues to grow. After the Royals acquired Ben Zobrist before the deadline, the outfielder wanted to wear his No18. Unfortunately, Kuntz, Kansas City’s first base coach, was 18. So they worked out a trade. Did Kuntz ask for 10-grand in cash? A car? A vacation? No, Kuntz wanted a leaf blower – and a leaf blower he was given and now Kuntz is No81. Good for Zobrist. Good for Kuntz. But bad for all the Royals fans who will now be forced to buy their kids new Rusty Kuntz jerseys.
7) Tigers catcher James McCann got into a dugout argument with infielder Jose Iglesias this week, apparently about Iglesias’ effort on the field. Yankees catcher Brian McCann, who is not related to James McCann, has long been an enforcer of baseball’s unwritten code. Are catchers named McCann perhaps the Keepers of the Code? The Knights of the Unwritten Rules? Perhaps they are given the name “McCann” in a special, secret ceremony and their catching equipment signifies the protection they must provide baseball’s code until death. Or it could just be a coincidence.
8) Exciting news for Yankees haters! Andy Pettitte’s number retirement is happening during the next Yankees homestand. So now when Yankees fans say theirs is the greatest organization ever, you can say: “I’m pretty sure the greatest franchise ever wouldn’t retire the number of an admitted PED user with a 3.85 career ERA. That sounds more like something an expansion team desperate to retire a number would do.”
9) Interesting footnote to the Pirates’ sweep of the Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw, Zack Greinke, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford make more than the entire Pirates roster. Crawford makes more than $9m more than the entire Pirates outfield combined. This has been another edition of Fun With Big-Spending Teams Losing To Small Market Teams.
10) Twins outfielder Shane Robinson pitched a scoreless inning of relief Saturday night and struck a man out with a knuckleball. This a week after White Sox first baseman Adam LaRoche unleashed a devastating curveball in a relief appearance. I am now confident saying that position players pitching is the greatest thing in sports. Then it’s pitchers getting hits. Next is 7-footers shooting three-pointers, fat guy touchdowns, punters and kickers making tackles and hockey fights between goalies. There are hundreds of TV channels. The fact that there isn’t an Atypical Sports Network that just airs all these things on a loop is a huge missed opportunity.
