BLUES BOTHERS
How do you guarantee your team wins the Premier League? Sadly other than amassing more points than anyone else there are no hard and fast rules, but there is one that has at least worked as a guide for each of the last six seasons – and in today’s rapidly changing world there’s no point looking further back than that. The rule is this: don’t, whatever you do, win the Community Shield. Although the game only features the very best and most successful teams in the land – and, occasionally, Wigan – since Manchester United in 2010 not one has won the traditional English curtain-raiser and then swept to league glory.
Clever Chelsea. Clever, cunning, shrewd Chelsea. At Wembley on Sunday they found themselves on the very brink of the most toxic success, but at the vital moment they contrived to force dopey Arsenal to take the bullet in their stead. It all came down to a penalty shootout, for which Chelsea nominated a centre-back to have their first attempt, a goalkeeper to take their second, and a clumsy half-fit debutant who had never in his life scored a meaningful spot-kick to take their third. Job undone. Even though Gary Cahill scored, two subsequent misses later they were laughing as Arsenal were burdened with the cumbersome silverware, and all without Roman Abramovich and that chubby bloke who used to translate for Claudio Ranieri even having to take theirs.
But Chelsea didn’t really think this all the way through, because losing was not enough. If they’d paid close attention, they would have realised that 2011-12 was the last time a team who even competed in the season-opening Community Shield won the league at its conclusion. It is clear that in modern football simply qualifying for the game all but destroys a team’s chance of winning the league. As the league champions always play, obviously the best way to maximise your chances of winning the league in any given season is to avoid winning the league in the previous one. So logically, unless The Fiver has made a very grave and totally untypical logical misstep, only by never winning the league – or, indeed, the FA Cup, the other way to secure an August visit to Wembley – do you always have a reasonable chance of winning the league. This is something Liverpool appear to have grasped some time ago.
Publicly at least, Chelsea are refusing to admit to their little ruse. Michy Batshuayi has denied that he was spotted giggling about Morata’s miss, taking to social media disgrace Twitter to huff: “Sorry to disappoint but I wasn’t.” Video evidence would appear to support his case: the striker could simply have been brushing his teeth with an invisible toothbrush. There’s a perfectly innocent explanation for everything. Apparently Thibaut Courtois is very good at taking penalties when nobody’s watching – leisurewear’s Antonio Conte insisted that “if your player shows you in training to be one of the best, you pick him to play and try and shoot a penalty”. Or it may just be the squad is riven with disharmony, their best player is knacked, their manager is unhappy with transfer dealings, their title defence is going to be an absolute shambles and they will end the season empty-handed. In which case, watch out in 2018-19, Chelsea are clearly playing the long game.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Paying supporters their money back is a collective decision – we’re not happy with just apologising, but at the same time know our best apology will come on the pitch in the coming weeks” – Yeovil boss Darren Way puts his bravest face on and tells fans who visited Luton to see their team walloped 8-2 on the opening day of the League Two season that they’ll get a refund and perhaps even a performance that doesn’t resemble a circus troupe in the near future.
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FIVER LETTERS
“So I see Gary Cahill bemoaning the lack of depth in Chelsea’s squad. This is the same Chelsea who have … how many players on loan? And not just randomers from the youth team but proper internationals who they’ve spent vast amounts on. You’ll get no sympathy playing the victim in circumstances you create” – Gareth Aherne.
“Re: Hubert O’Hearn (Friday’s Fiver letters). Can I be one of 1,057 previously-employed-as-a-houseman-in-a-gastroenterology-ward pedants to point out that swallowing Barium for diagnostic purposes is a thing. It involves being forced to swallow heavy metal, then being strapped to a table and forcibly tilted at strange angles until your insides are coated. By the by, the procedure can be rather disorientating, which seems appropriate, given that I have no idea how we have got to this point in the discussion” – Jon Millard (and no other previously-employed-as-a-houseman-in-a-gastroenterology-ward pedants).
“All this talk of elements and chemical symbols (Fiver letters passim) is reminding me of the time I saw Oxygen and Magnesium hook up at a party. I was like, ‘OMg!’” – Scott Pratt.
“So not only is Noble Francis one of The Fiver’s most prolific contributors, but he’s again appearing elsewhere on Big Website. Is there no end to this man’s talents?” –Joshua Wilson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Scott Pratt.
BITS AND BOBS
Holland boss Sarina Wiegman channelled her inner Andrew WK after the hosts’ wild 4-2 win over Denmark in the Euro 2017 final. “Now we’re going to party really hard,” she headbanged.
Sean Dyche says he fully supports the decision to abandon Burnley’s PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY with Hannover after some whoppers in the away end decided to charge home fans, injuring a police officer and two stewards in the process. “The disorder we saw has no place in football and certainly not in Lancashire,” said police superintendent Chris Bithell.
Rafa Benítez is a little fresh and funky after being told he has to sell Newcastle players before he can buy shiny new ones. “When I decided to stay, I was expecting another thing. Now we are where we are,” he growled, before stepping away from a foul-smelling fireplace. “I decided to stay because of a lot of positive things I could see, starting with the fans. I will try to do my best.”
Brighton’s shirt-name printing thingummybob has gone into overdrive after the club plucked dashing Davy Propper from PSV’s midfield for a club-record fee. Hopefully now they’ll line up a move for Nortei Nortey …
Manchester United have let Crystal Palace borrow Timothy Fosu-Mensah for the season, with the defender due to cough for the doctor at any time. Meanwhile, Nasty Leeds have taken left-back Cameron Borthwick-Jackson on a season’s loan.
Taxpayers FC have been given permission to play away in the second round of the Rumbelows Cup if stadium bods haven’t managed to put their football pitch back in place after World Sportsday.
And Ipswich sounded suitably proud of themselves after remembering their online banking password and doing a transfer. “Mick McCarthy adds firepower to his striking options with the signing of Martyn Waghorn from [the Pope’s Newc O’] Rangers, paying a substantial fee to land the forward,” bragged a club statement.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s Mad For It Monday, which means Jamie Jackson has donned his thicker than usual tin hat and knocked out Premier League season previews for Manchester City and Manchester United.
Get your Premier League 2017-18 fans’ preview – part one. What, you expect a second part? All right then.
Loads of people watch women’s football when it’s on the telly – it’s time to capitalise, urges Anna Kessel.
Brighton’s Liam Rosenior is going to be a regular in the Still Want More section now he’s a Big Paper/Website columnist – and he got his chat on with Dominic Fifield so that we can all get to know him that bit better.
The Fiver’s French cousin, Street Miming Embarrassing Rap Music Haw-Hee-Haw-Hee-Haw Fiver, is in Canada visiting relatives, so we haven’t the foggiest what happened in Ligue Urrrrrrn this weekend. Thankfully Adam White and Eric Devin penned this to fill us in.
Like Weird Uncle Fiver on Scarborough beach, Alexandre Lazazette showed enough in flashes to make people sit up and take notice at the Charity Shield, writes Nick Ames.
And pity the put-upon fans who rank far below global brands and partners, sighs Barry Glendenning.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
