FEAST TO FAMINE
The Round of Arsenal is, like Groundhog Day, a folk festival held every February. This long-standing custom involves four defenders emerging from the murky nooks and crannies of the Premier League into the bright lights of Europe. If they are blinded by those lights, they scuttle back into their burrows, and Arsenal’s Big Cup quest is over for another year. But if they see their own shadows, they scuttle back into their burrows, and Arsenal’s Big Cup quest is over for another year. A feast of fun is had by all, even if it means another 51 weeks and six days of winter is pretty much guaranteed.
But this year, chances are the festival will be postponed. This is because Arsenal are in severe danger of failing to reach their eponymous round for the first time in 16 years. Having already been beaten in the groups by Basingstoke Town and a five-a-side team consisting of Eric Pickles, Joe Swanson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Joe Allen and Lil Bub, the internet cat with osteopetrosis, they were trounced 5-1 by Bayern Munich on Wednesday night. As a result, they now need to win their final two games, while also hoping Bayern do them a favour against Pickles et al.
“It is a small chance,” Arsène Wenger admits, “but still a real one. It will be very tight but we have to fight until the end. Let’s hope we win at home against [Basingstoke] and Bayern beat [Eric Pickles, Joe Swanson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Joe Allen and Lil Bub, the internet cat with osteopetrosis]. That leaves us with a chance to qualify from the last game.” Even if that turns out to be the case, Arsenal would have to win that final fixture by two clear goals to pip their opponents on the head-to-head, having made a royal balls of the first meeting at the Emirates.
Either way, they’ll need to buck their ideas up quicksmart, because this new gegenloitering tactic of theirs – “There was no pressing, no concentration, no challenges, we watched them play” – saw them easily picked off in Munich. Arch-rivals Tottenham, lying in wait at the weekend and increasingly adept at pressing themselves, will have taken note. Here, we’re only getting used to the idea of no Round of Arsenal; don’t tell us St Totteringham’s Day is under threat too!
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
17 October: “Management doesn’t interest me anymore, but if I can help Chris and QPR by acting as a sounding board, then that’s great” – Neil Warnock, definitely not interested in management.
5 November: “We’ve made this decision in the best interests of the football club” – Neil Warnock is forced to be interested after Les Ferdinand confirms Chris Ramsey has been bundled aboard the good ship Do One, with Warnock replacing him in temporary charge of first-team duties.
FIVER LETTERS
“With his ‘57 words, and most of those were “no” in 54 seconds’, José Mourinho has already bettered the repetitive Euro popsters of 2 Unlimited (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Having found the video on YouTube, I noted that the Dutch ear-worm specialists managed to sing ‘no’ a fairly paltry 60-ish times in their 3min 44sec hit No Limits, the majority of which came from the shouty one who was so revered by publishers of 90s lads’ mags. Strangely, the moody looking bloke who provided the band’s ‘raps’ was more concerned with getting their audience to say ‘Yeah’” – Tim Grey.
“I too remember the 90s (vaguely), and I think maybe José would prefer to recite the Wonder Stuff’s ‘No, For the 13th Time’ with its lyrics about ‘running out of time, running out of luck’, rather than the mindless positivity of 2 Unlimited’s work” – Carlos Fridge.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. Which is the economic policy, that would risk its neck for its brother economic policy? Capitalism Shaft! Can ya dig it? … Which is the cat that won’t cop out, when there’s economic danger all about? Capitalism Shaft! Right on … You see this cat Capitalism Shaft is a bad mother, shut your mouth! But I’m talking about Capitalism Shaft. Then we can dig it … It’s a complicated system, but no one understands it like economists. Capitalism Shaft!” – Ed Taylor.
“Those who question the viability of a hashtag campaign (Fiver letters passim) can surely find hope in the overwhelming success of my #BrownOut campaign for AFC Wimbledon a few years back. Despite the confusing power supply and stain-related associations engendered by the hashtag, the successful campaign has seen the Dons move from lower mid-table mediocrity in the fourth tier, all the way to upper mid-table mediocrity in the same tier. Hurrah for progress” – Scott Henderson.
“Regarding Chris Powell skittering down the Leeds Road with his P45 (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Am I to assume that you have finally exhausted your array of ‘Do One’ exit analogies? Surely there’s scope for waiting at the bus stop for a number Do One, being launched into orbit to dock with the USS Do One, or applying for a senior post within the Ministry Du One. All of which might have been used already but I can’t be bothered to check” – Tim Clarke.
“May I point out to the gramatically challenged pedant Gareth Collins (yesterday’s letters) that The Fiver did not miscalculate the amount of pedants, but the number of pedants. Yours, pedantically” – Michael Hann, Big Paper/Website Music Ed (and others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Tim Grey.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest edition of Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
BITS AND BOBS
Pep Guardiola’s desires are … unconventional. “What I want, my desire, is to have 100% possession,” purred the Bayern coach, before demanding the moon on a stick and Donald Trump to talk sense.
A rare victory at Stamford Bridge has given José Mourinho some hot perspective. “It’s easy for kids to go to school in a Chelsea shirt when Chelsea win every match,” he blootered. “It’s not easy for 11- or 12-year-old kids to go to school with a Chelsea shirt when Chelsea are losing matches, when probably they are bullied by other kids whose teams are winning.”
Spurs midfielder Eric Dier has been called up by Mr Roy to the England squad for their friendlies against Spain and France. Full squad: Butland (Stoke), Hart (Manchester City), Heaton (Burnley); Bertrand (Southampton), Cahill (Chelsea), Clyne (Liverpool), Gibbs (Arsenal), Jones (Manchester United), Smalling (Manchester United), Stones (Everton), Walker (Tottenham); Alli (Tottenham), Barkley (Everton), Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Carrick (Manchester United), Delph (Manchester City), Dier (Tottenham), Lallana (Liverpool), Milner (Liverpool), Shelvey (Swansea), Sterling (Manchester City), Kane (Tottenham), Rooney (Manchester United), Vardy (Leicester).
France forward Karim Benzema has now been placed under formal judicial investigation in connection with an alleged attempt to blackmail a fellow footballer over a bongo tape.
Jürgen Klopp has taken a huge stein of cold water and poured it all over rumours of $tevie Mbe returning to Liverpool in a playing role. “If he wants to train that’s absolutely no problem. Nothing else,” he barked.
Former Borussia Dortmund II coach David Wagner is the new man at the tiller of Huddersfield Town. “I’m sure the events of the last 48 hours, coupled with the appointment of an overseas head coach new to English football, will have surprised many people,” he trilled.
Roy Keane has aimed his death-stare at Ashley Young after seeing the winger’s latest theatrical offering. “I think the guy’s a disgrace and if he’s a Man Utd player, I’m a Chinaman,” he Roy Keaned.
And 2003’s Joe Cole has been busy using his experience at Coventry City to heap unnecessary pressure on youngsters such as in-form 18-year-old striker Adam Armstrong. “Armstrong reminds me of Agüero in a way,” he honked.
STILL WANT MORE?
“The film is a remarkable vanity project and, even more than before, it is difficult not to come away with the feeling that Ronaldo must shout his own name during $ex” – Daniel Taylor got himself a jumbo tub of popcorn and a gallon of Sprite as he shuffled off to the back row at the pictures to watch the new film about Him.
Meanwhile, Real Ronaldo shows that being the size of the moon is no obstacle to making kids 20 years your junior look daft at five-a-side in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Here’s your Big Cup review, featuring PSG’s lack of killer instinct, Plucky Gent not being spent and lots of pictures in case you don’t like words.
An animated history of the north London derby, from Woolwich Arsenal to Sol Campbell, via the Invincibles and Son Heung-min’s car. Oof!
Chelsea fans’ José Mourinho love-in was a message to Roman Abramovich that they want the club to be more than just a drop-off zone for managers, writes Owen Gibson.
There’ll be 1,400 fans at Moor Lane to watch Salford City take on Notts County in the FA Cup on Friday, but not everyone is convinced that the Class of 92 are taking the club in the right direction, reports Jamie Jackson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
JUST THE FIVE VERSIONS OF NO LIMIT ON 2 UNLIMITED’S LATEST RELEASE
