THIS IS HOW WE NO LONGER WORK
Yesterday, 4.10pm The last line of the Fiver reads: BANNED UNDER A FORMER REGIME, THE ‘HOW WE WORK’ FIVER CAME PERILOUSLY CLOSE TO A COMEBACK
Yesterday, 4.10:02pm Two seconds after hitting send, the Fiver remembers that HOW WE WORK was actually called THIS IS HOW WE WORK. Wasn’t it, though. Ah well, nobody will remember, notice or care.
Yesterday, 4.11pm “The nostalgia welled up in me with memories of mirthful HOW WE WORK Fivers of yore,” emails Fiver reader Robi Polgar. “Then I came to my senses and remembered that they weren’t funny. Please maintain the ban.”
Yesterday, 4.12pm Huh, shrugs the Fiver.
Yesterday, 4.13pm They were funny, though.
Yesterday, 4.14pm They were kind of funny.
Yesterday, 4.15pm Sort of.
Yesterday, 5.23pm Anyway, you didn’t remember they used to be called THIS IS HOW WE WORK and not HOW WE WORK, did you?
Yesterday, 5.24pm So, well, y’know.
Yesterday, 5.25pm What’s your analysis worth?
Yesterday, 5.26pm Huh?
Yesterday, 7.09pm Nothing, that’s what.
Yesterday, 9.52pm What you said does hurt, though.
Yesterday, 9.53pm And to be fair, nobody else emailed to point out we got the title wrong.
Yesterday, 9.54pm Or remembered.
Yesterday, 9.55pm Or cared.
Yesterday, 9.56pm It really hurts.
Yesterday, 9.57pm Sniff.
Yesterday, 9.58pm The Fiver hammers a nail into the side of a can of Purple Tin and wraps its lips around the fresh aperture.
Today, 1.31pm The Fiver wakes up under its desk on a mattress of empty Tin, eyeballs spinning through several axis.
Today, 1.33pm The Fiver starts crying.
Today, 2.46pm The Fiver stops crying.
Today, 2.49pm The Fiver clambers into its chair.
Today, 2.50pm The Fiver sits in its chair.
Today, 3.10pm The Fiver sits slumped in its chair.
Today, 3.39pm The Fiver, realising this conceit, already tissue-paper-thin to begin with, is getting very old very quickly, puts its feet up on the desk, because that usually happened towards the business end of THIS IS HOW WE WORK if we remember these things correctly.
Today, 3.39:01pm “Oy Fiver!” shouts The Man from his office. “Get your feet off the desk. Do your job. And what’s this with you reviving HOW WE WORK?”
Today, 3.39:02pm “It’s THIS IS HOW WE WORK, not HOW WE WORK,” says the Fiver in its primmest, plummiest voice.
Today, 3.39.03pm “I couldn’t care less,” replies The Man. “You’re just lucky the season is over and there’s not much proper news to report or I’d come over there with this 3-iron and issue constructive advice in rhythmic fashion.”
Today, 3.39.04pm The Fiver suggests that The Man won’t come over with his 3-iron and issue constructive advice in rhythmic fashion, peppering the discourse with words such as eff, off and cee.
Today, 3.39.05pm The Man does though.
Today, 3.39.06pm Over he comes.
Today, 3.39.07pm That escalated quickly.
Today, 3.39:08pm Ooyah.
Today, 3.39:09pm Oof.
Today, 3.39:10pm Ow.
Today, 3.39:11pm Fore!
Today, 3.40pm Sniffing and sobbing again, the Fiver holds up a hastily typed scrap of paper which reads: “Henrikh Mkhitaryan won’t be travelling to Baku for the Euro Vase final, Steve Clarke is unveiled as Scotland manager, and there’s some sort of ticketing fiasco at the Women’s World Cup.”
Today, 3.41pm “About time too,” says The Man, snatching the scrap of paper. “And you’d better have a decent payoff or some sort of amusing punchline lined up for all this. Or else.”
Today, 3.41:01pm The Fiver stares at The Man blankly.
Today, 3.41:02pm The Man wanders back to his office to get his pitching wedge.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My mother once told me: ‘You cannot tout a decision you did not take as betrayal, because you have to expect it.’ I still do not understand that statement anyway” – Asamoah Gyan uses a zinger of an intro as he spits his dummy out and announces his decision to retire from Ghana duty after being dropped as captain.
FIVER LETTERS
“Noble Francis resorting to puns around U2 songs (Monday’s letters) is a very poor effort by his high standards. Come on man, you’re Out Of Control, have some Pride. This was really Bad, it gave me Vertigo and on this occasion, unworthy of the prizeless letter o’ the day” – Mike Wrall.
“Re: Kevin Muscat doing one from Melbourne Victory – would you mind dropping me a line and letting me know the score of his last game in charge which ‘was at the weekend against Sanfrecce Hiroshima’? It’s just that my online betting account is getting a bit low and that game actually takes place this coming Wednesday …” – David McCall (and 1,056 other flamin’ pedants).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Rollover.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires excels himself here on City’s dominance, football whataboutery and press box invaders.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City and PSG should be booted out of Big Cup for violating financial fair play rules, according to La Liga chief suit Javier Tebas. “This is no longer sport. It becomes more like a toy, the plaything of a state,” he parped.
In football bringing people together news, Henrikh Mkhitaryan will miss Arsenal’s Big Vase final in Baku on safety grounds. “I must admit, it hurts a lot to miss it,” he sniffed.
West Brom have invited Lincoln boss Danny Cowley for a cup of tea and a cosy chat about the possibility of taking the vacant manager’s job.
Nikita Parris is heading for Big Cup champions Lyon after doing one from Manchester City.
Olivier Giroud has signed on for another year at Chelsea in the face of the club’s impending transfer-knack.
As not-quite-exclusively trailed in Monday’s Fiver, Graham Potter has been ushered into the managerial hotseat by Brighton. “I certainly don’t think it’s a gamble,” tooted Albion’s chairman, Tony Bloom.
And 15 good eggs from Canada’s women’s team have signed up for Juan Mata’s Common Goal project.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe on the Gareth Bale-Zinedine Zidane stare-out.
Not to be outdone by Uefa’s Baku Big Vase farce, Fifa suits have yelped ‘hold our beer’ in their handling of ticketing concerns for the Women’s World Cup. Suzanne Wrack takes them to task.
Vincent Kompany is strolling into a mess at Anderlecht but his signing is quite the coup for the ailing Belgian giants, reckons Kristof Terreur.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
